


The Parallel Life

by mrsmelchiorgabor



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 20:31:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 86,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18126134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrsmelchiorgabor/pseuds/mrsmelchiorgabor
Summary: in a parallel world, Timmy and Armie are married. one day, Timmy wakes up in our world, which is identical to his own except for one key factor: he and Armie aren't married. they aren't even together. as he navigates his career and fame without his husband, and comes to face some hard truths about his in an entirely new world, what will he do? what CAN he do? and will this Armie ever see that the love of his life is standing right here in front of him?so this is a mirror fic to lfg1986's amazing fic 'Our Star Life' - done with their full permission of course. you MUST read their fic first. hope you enjoy :))





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Our Star Life](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18045446) by [lfg1986](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lfg1986/pseuds/lfg1986). 



_**Part of it— just part of it —was a coma, but I prefer to call it a parallel life. It sounds better. Problem is that most of us have— live, that is—more than two parallel lives.** _

_\- André Aciman, Call Me By Your Name_

 

**CHAPTER 1**

 

The first thing he noticed was that he couldn’t smell Armie.

Timmy’s sleepy eyes forced their way open and, as was automatic, he rolled over to find his husband’s arms - only they weren’t there. He let out a sleepy little whine.

‘Love?’

Nothing. He pushed his head into the pillow, expecting the warm, comforting musk of his husband - but all he smelled was clean linen. He ran a hand over the sheet, smelled that too and only got the smell of fancy fabric softener. No Armie. In fact, it seems no-one had slept in the bed with him. He sat up, frowning. He distinctly remembered that they absolutely HAD gotten into this bed together. His lack of pyjamas was evidence of what had happened.

‘Armie?’

He rolled back, looking at the empty hotel room. He frowned. None of Armie’s things were there. There was just one small suitcase, open, stuff everywhere. His stuff, though - only his. Then he noticed that the bed was covered in tissues and small liquor bottles. The cupboard of the minibar hung open, the liquor shelf almost empty. That explained his headache.

Timmy jumped out of the bed, suddenly feeling incredibly strange. He walked around. It was the same room, just minus any trace of Armie…had they had had a huge fight or something? Had Timmy gotten a new room and drank himself to sleep?

He found his phone. Nothing. What? Then he saw airplane mode was on. Why would he do that? Save battery? He shrugged and disabled it. Timmy’s phone went insane; it buzzed and pinged and dinged relentlessly, making him drop it. What the fuck? This never happened. Hardly anyone ever texted him.

He picked up his phone and didn’t look at any of the notifications, only wanting to call Armie. He searched his name and called him, hand shaking a little. He picked up before the first ring was over.

‘Timmy, hey -’

‘Oh thank god you picked up - where are you?’

‘Timmy, where did you go last night?’

‘I was going to ask you the same thing.’

‘You just left and I was texting and calling...you just left.’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about - after we went to bed, I left? What happened?’

‘We - you - I don’t know when you went to bed, Timmy, how the fuck would I know that?’, asked Armie, his voice confused and stumbling over the words. He sounded annoyed.

‘Wait - wait, you’re mad at me?’ Timmy asked in a small voice. The whole time they’d been married, Armie had never gotten really mad at him. Some fights obviously, frustrations sure; but never true anger. Never. They were on the same team. ‘I’m...please tell me what happened, I really don’t know’, he said, starting cry a little.

‘Timmy…’ Armie’s anger faded; he didn’t want him to be upset.

‘Please, I’m so sorry. I woke up and you weren’t here and I don’t understand what’s going on. This isn’t the bed I fell asleep in. I - I miss you, Armie. Please.’

There was a pause. ‘I miss you too.’ Armie spoke quietly, like he didn’t want to be overheard.

‘Where are you? I wanna see you, wanna talk to you...I don’t feel good and I feel so guilty for making you feel upset’, he sobbed down the phone.

‘Hey hey, it’s ok, you don’t need to get this upset Timmy - it’s not that big of a deal’, he tried to comfort him.

‘It must be, or you wouldn’t be talking to me like this, your tone of voice is all _wrong_ ’, said Timmy dramatically.

‘I - what?’ ‘Where even are you?’ ‘I’m in the bathroom right now actually, just showered.’

‘Oh you’re just in the fucking bathroom!’ Timmy bolted across the room, relieved, and threw open the bathroom door and walked in, expecting to find his freshly showered husband - but it was pitch black and he walked straight into the shower door. It shattered everywhere, and he fell to the ground. ‘Fuck, OW’. His face and hands were stinging - he probably had glass all over his skin. ‘Owww…’ he uttered mournfully to himself.

Armie stopped talking immediately. ‘Timmy, you ok? What happened?’

‘You - I - you aren’t in here!’ he almost screamed through his tears.

‘What?’

‘You said you were in here but you’re not and then I walked into a fucking glass door and now everything hurts.’

‘Oh my god Timmy. I’ll be right there. Hang on, lemme find a robe.’

He left Timmy on the line, listening to vague, distant noises. ’Why aren’t you here…you said you were here…’ he complained feebly.

He heard someone - a woman - shout ‘where are you going?’, and then Armie respond ‘I’ll be right back’, then a door slam. He frowned, then regretted it because it seemed to make the glass bury itself deeper in his forehead.

‘I’m coming, hang in there.’

‘Armie…what’s going on?’

‘Huh?’

‘Who was shouting back there…who are you going back to? Armie?’

‘I’m in the elevator, you’re breaking up. Look I gotta hang up but I’ll be there in like thirty seconds, ok?’

‘K…’

The line went dead. Timmy walked out of the bathroom slowly, picking glass off himself. Then there was a loud knock at his door. He lurched across the room and flung the door open. There he was - hair damp, a robe barely covering his ass, eyes full of concern that turned to shock when he saw Timmy was naked.

Timmy burst into tears. ‘Thank god you’re here, I don’t know what’s going on and I’m covered in fucking glass…’, he stumbled into Armie’s body, trying to melt into it, expecting to be held - but nothing happened.

Armie tensed up and stepped away a little. ’Hey, uh…hey.’ Armie looked down awkwardly. Timmy frowned and then cried out in pain - he had to stop doing that - which made Armie come towards him, concerned. ‘Oh wow it’s really in there, huh’, said Armie, turning on the bathroom light and finding a hotel robe. ‘Here’.

Timmy laughed. ‘Since when do you care about that?’

Armie laughed awkwardly. ‘Um, what?’

‘You certainly didn’t last night’, said Timmy, managing to flirt a little. Armie’s eyes grew wide. ‘But fine, I’ll put it on.’

‘What do you -‘ Armie began, then stopped.

‘Hm?’

Armie shook his head. He opened the bathroom cabinet and found the little packet of amenities and pulled out a pair of tweezers. ‘Come here’, he said to Timmy, as he headed to the bed. Timmy sat in his lap, obviously. Armie grew tense again. ‘I - forgot something’, he said, voice tight, as he gently slid Timmy off of him and went back to the bathroom. Timmy heard a loud exhale, before Armie emerged with a towel. ‘For the glass’, he said as he sat down beside Timmy, deliberately putting a little distance between them. He laid the towel over his lap, so that was off limits for him.

He carefully began tweezing tiny pieces of glass out of Timmy’s face. ‘Jesus, it’s in so deep.’

‘Not the first time you’ve said that to me,’ said Timmy.

‘Huh?’

Timmy tried to wink at him but cried out, the glass digging in. ‘Shit.’

‘You’d better hope it’s gone by the time you get to England.’

‘Right. Wait, what?’

‘The King.’

Timmy frowned - FUCK - at him. ‘Um, Armie, I’m pretty sure England has a queen, not a king. I don’t know about you but I watched The Crown.’

Armie laughed. ‘You’re funny.’

‘Hurry up and get it out of my face so that I can kiss you.’

Armie dropped the tweezers. ‘Ok, what the fuck is going on with you, Timmy?’

‘With me? You’re the one acting strange.’

‘Me?’

‘Look Armie I don’t know what happened last night - clearly I upset you - but I don’t remember, I think I drank too much and blacked out or something. But that’s not an excuse - whatever I did, I’m so, so sorry, love.’ Armie stared at him when he said the last word. ‘Just, please, let’s talk about it. When I woke up and you weren’t here I…I felt so alone. I wanted to cry. Fuck now I am crying…oh fuck that stings…’, the tears irritated his cut up face. He buried his face in the pillow, trying to gently dry it without hurting his skin even more.

When he sat up, Armie was no longer beside him. He was standing, facing Timmy. ‘Why did you get up…oh my god what did I do? Was it really bad?’ He walked towards Armie, who froze. He took his hands and spoke in earnest. ‘I swear, babe, I am so fucking sorry’.

‘B-babe?!’ Armie spluttered incredulously, turning red and starting to sweat a little.

‘What?’

‘Timmy are you playing some kind of…weird joke on me? Because usually I think you’re pretty funny but this isn’t, this is…this is weird. You’re acting so weird.’

‘You’re the one acting weird, you’re acting like we’re not even…’ Timmy looked down at Armie’s hands, still clutched in his. Then his heart nearly dropped out of his mouth. Armie was wearing the old wedding ring - the one from his old marriage, to Liz. _You’re acting like we’re not even married_ , Timmy had been going to say. He stopped himself. He looked at own hand, sinfully empty. He paced around, pulled apart the bed, emptied the suitcases everywhere, frantic. He turned to Armie, tears back in his eyes. ‘Where is it?’

‘Where's what?’

His other hand held his ring finger like it was burning, ran it between his fingers anxiously. ‘Did you hide it or something?’

Armie sighed, exasperated. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, I don’t understand anything that you’ve said since I’ve walked in here.’

‘It’s not funny. Please, just stop this...role play or whatever it is, I don’t like it.’

After a moment, Armie came a little closer to him, handing him the box of hotel tissues. Timmy blew his nose. He looked at the hand with which Armie was offering the box. The ring stared at him. That fucking ring. ‘Why are you wearing that?’, he said in a tiny, tiny voice.

‘Why are you even asking me that?’ Timmy ripped the ring off of Armie’s finger - ‘Tim, what the fuck?’ - and grabbed his hand, saw that the little strip of skin was completely untanned. Then…then he saw the tattoo.

‘Oh my god. Oh my godohmygodohmygodohmygod’. Timmy pushed Armie away, hard, and ran into the bathroom. He felt like he was going to throw up - and he did, noisy and quickly. It couldn’t be a joke - tattoos were permanent - but he’d been there when Armie got it removed. How was this possible?

Armie hovered in the doorway. ‘Are you sick?’

Timmy finished throwing up. He was still holding Armie’s ring. He sat on the floor, staring at it for a second, then up at Armie. ‘Why are you just standing there?’

‘I figured I’d be an asshole if I didn’t make sure you were ok…’

Timmy shook his head. ‘No, when I’m sick you always...come on, you know what you always do, Armie.’

Armie opened his mouth, about to say something, when his phone rang. He looked at it for a second, then at Timmy, then back at his phone. He lifted it to his ear. ‘Hey’, he answered it. ‘Yeah, I just had to go check something.’ Timmy shot him a look of disbelief. Something? That’s what he was to Armie now?

‘I’m in Timmy’s room. - - He hurt himself. - - I had to make sure he was ok. - - What am I supposed to do, Liz, he’s my friend.’

Timmy’s stomach lurched and he turned back to the toilet, throwing up again. ‘Shit, I have to go. I’ll be back soon.’ He hung up and took a few steps towards Timmy, putting a towel beside him so that he could sit safely on the ground. ‘Your knees are fucked too, now. I’ll have to take a look.’

Timmy, his head still over the toilet, took a deep breath. ‘Liz’, he said simply, almost throwing up again.

‘Yeah, she wanted to know why I ran out in such a hurry’, said Armie.

It was like a huge weight settled on Timmy’s shoulders when he said that - one that felt all too familiar. He knew, now, that something really wasn’t right. Surely Armie would never use her - or even mention her - in an effort to play a joke on him, not after everything that happened...Timmy closed the toilet lid and flushed it, and looked at Armie, who opened the toilet again. ‘I think we should keep that...ready, just in case.’

‘Probably,’ mumbled Timmy. ‘Are you...is this some kind of weird joke? All of this? You’re playing a trick on me, right? Was that really Luca on the phone? It was, right? Tell me it wasn’t really…’ he trailed off, taking in Armie’s expression. It was still utterly confused and full of tense awkwardness, but there was irritation starting to creep in now, too. He looked away, down at the ring again, still in his hands.

‘Can I have it back?’ Armie asked gently.

‘Yeah, yeah. Sorry,’ said Timmy, taking Armie’s hand and sliding it on, almost crying. The last time he did that it had been their wedding, it’d been the ring he’d picked out, the ring that symbolised their love. Now...he didn’t even know what now was.

‘Ok. Ok,’ Armie paused. ‘I know last night was pretty crazy, clearly you partied pretty hard when you got back here and I guess you’re just...not yourself. Maybe you had a bad dream, I don’t know.’

A dream. Maybe this was a dream - or a nightmare, rather. Maybe he just had to fall asleep again and it would be back to normal. ‘Maybe’, he said.

‘I know you pretty well and this...none of this was normal. But it seems like you’re just not yourself today. We all have those days, you know. So...it’s ok, I guess.’

Timmy nodded. He was pretty relaxed, now, having decided that this had to be a dream. ‘I’m sorry for...everything’, he said awkwardly.

Armie nodded. ‘Yeah. Let’s just forget about it’, he said, standing up and patting Timmy awkwardly on the shoulder. Timmy wanted to laugh at how disgustingly impersonal it was.

‘Sure, sure. I’ll see you later.’

‘Yeah, we have that dinner thing with everyone. I’ll see you there,’ he said as he walked out of the bathroom.

Timmy got up to see him out. ‘Back to Liz?’ he asked.

‘Yeah,’ Armie took the door handle, then let go and turned back to Timmy, then back to the door. ‘Timmy,’ he began.

‘Yeah?’ Timmy said.

Armie stared at him for a second, looking almost desperate. Timmy took a tentative step towards him. Armie tensed up.

‘What is it?’

Armie just kept looking at him. ‘The last twenty minutes…’

Timmy’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I know. I don’t know what it is.’

‘Don’t do any of that stuff tonight. Please.’

‘What stuff? Why?’

Armie didn’t say anything, didn’t meet his eyes. He tried to talk a couple of times before finally getting it out. ‘I was a little - I guess upset, yeah, ok, it was an important night and you left - after you said all of that amazing stuff, and I wanted to - I just wanted to see you and talk to you about it, but you left...but it isn’t anything to cry over, really, I swear. These things happen. Don’t beat yourself up.’

Timmy had even more questions but he tried to hold his tongue, just said ‘Armie, I’m so, so sorry.’ He didn’t ask what it was that Armie was even talking about - what had he said? What was important about the night? - because he knew that if it was time to apologise, you had to do it simply and unconditionally.

He carefully pulled Armie into a hug. He knew that Armie, despite being bigger, valued being held. He pulled Armie’s head down to his shoulder, held him tightly and let Armie’s face rest on his neck. They breathed together for a moment. Armie spoke, his voice soft and deep. ‘Timmy, I -’, Armie’s phone rang again and he closed his eyes and punched the wall in frustration.

He picked it up. ‘Yeah, Liz. I’m coming,’ he opened the door and turned back to Timmy to wave goodbye. Timmy nodded and closed the door after him. This was like it used to be, before...everything. Him taking her calls and leaving Timmy alone. It felt unbearable.

Timmy slowly walked into the bathroom, taking off the robe and carefully getting into the shower. He gently showered himself, easing out the last bits of glass and washing blood off of his knees. He reached over to the sink and grabbed the hotel toothbrush and toothpaste, and brushed his teeth as he showered, getting rid of the taste of vomit. Then he slipped into a clean robe and curled up in bed, sweeping the tissues and liquor bottles away. He found some nyquil and took a little, even though he felt like he could probably fall asleep anyway. He just wanted to wake up and be out of this weird, awful situation and back to normal.

He closed his eyes and drifted off quickly, peacefully. When he awoke, the sun was setting outside. He saw the clock on the nightstand and saw it was nearly six. He’d slept all day. Timmy looked around the room and his heart sank. It was the same as before. Still just his room. It hadn’t worked. This wasn’t a dream and this wasn’t a game. Armie wasn’t his.


	2. chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew, I'm SO blown away by all the positive responses to this story. THANK YOU.
> 
> I did not intend for this chapter to be as long as it's turned out to be...yet here we are...hopefully it's not a problem.
> 
> Armie is less present here because Timmy is figuring out what the frick is happening! but don't worry there is a scene that might just...make you feel some things...keep reading.
> 
> make sure you're reading Our Star Life by lfg1986 for full context!

_**Everyone goes through a period of Traviamento - when we take, say, a different turn in life, the other via. Dante himself did. Some recover, some pretend to recover, some never come back, some chicken out before even starting, and some, for fear of taking any turns, find themselves leading the wrong life all life long.** _  
_\- André Aciman, Call Me By Your Name_

**CHAPTER 2**

Timmy was looking through the basket of snacks, debating calling room service but knowing that his minibar adventure was going to cost him, so he just grabbed some pretzels and water, and flopped onto the bed, turning on the TV. He wanted to see what else was different about this world. CNN seemed to be the same as normal - Trump was still president, unfortunately - and everything else seemed to be the same pile of disastrous shit that he was accustomed to. He looked out of the window and saw a perfectly normal Austin evening.

Nothing was different except the biggest thing in his whole entire life.

His phone started ringing. His agent. Timmy figured things were probably ok with him here if he was calling. ‘Hey Brian’.

‘Hey kid. I know you have the dinner tonight but we need to meet. Let’s do beforehand since I figure it’ll go pretty late with drinks after and whatnot.’

‘Ok, sure...what time is the dinner?’

‘It’s in your calendar. Starts at eight. So let’s meet around seven thirty? It won’t take long.’

‘Sounds good. Is it urgent?’

‘Yes, Tim, it’s pretty urgent.’ He sounded irritated. The Brian in his world usually only scheduled these last minute meetings if something had happened which required damage control, and having only woken up in this world that morning, Timmy had no idea what the problem could be. But having had some pretty awful meetings with Brian in the past, he wasn’t particularly bothered by this. It couldn’t be that bad compared to...no, he wasn’t going to think about that.

‘Ok. Text me where to meet you...I guess somewhere near the restaurant?’

‘I’ll organise something. And wear what we agreed, someone’s bound to take photos.’

‘Right, uh, what did we agree?’ asked Timmy, looking at the clothes still strewn everywhere. He picked up a gorgeous hot pink velvet blazer immediately - obviously he was wearing that, no question; he didn’t recognise it but it was fucking gorgeous - and then found white pants and a white shirt with intricate, soft rosy pink detailing stitched all over in delicate floral patterns. ‘Never mind, I found something, I just need shoes.’

‘Ok, I trust you. I’ll text you the details. See you later.’ He hung up before Timmy could reply.

He didn’t need to get dressed yet but he was getting veryyy excited about this outfit. He dithered between sneakers and boots, ultimately opting for white suede ankle boots which, frankly, he could not believe he owned but felt truly blessed that he did. He laid it all out on the bed, thinking he couldn’t wait for Armie to see - then his heart sinking a little when he remembered.  
His Armie wouldn’t see. The real Armie wouldn’t see.

He tried not to cry again, turning to his phone to distract himself - habit. He opened instagram almost automatically.

This is where it started to get interesting.

Or maybe it was more shocking than interesting.

As soon as he opened it he saw he had hundreds of notifications. New ones were popping up every other second. What the fuck?

People were tagging him in post after post showing some clip where he was wearing an awful green shirt - had he even brushed his hair? - and giving a speech. There were only snippets of it on insta but he watched them, his heart beating fast. He was making a speech about Armie. It looked like the same awards show he’d been at last night - this was actually similar to the speech he remembered making, but he definitely hadn’t shown up looking like that. He was just gushing about Armie, non stop...it seemed like it had been a long speech. He was smiling, laughing awkwardly...clearly so in love but it looked like he was trying to hide it or play it off as an extremely close friendship. In his speech he’d said the same things just...he hadn’t tried to hide so much. He hadn’t needed to.

He was jerked out of his thoughts by hearing his name on the TV, still tuned into CNN. ‘Timothée Chalamet gave a heartfelt speech to his co-star and friend Armie Hammer at the Texas Film Awards last night. The young actor is of course the youngest actor in nearly eighty years to be nominated for an Academy Award -’

‘Whatthefuck?!’ Timmy spat his water everywhere and watched as they cut from the speech to him on a red carpet in a - fucking gorgeous, damn - white suit, and holy shit, that was the Oscars red carpet. He was pictured with his Mom.

‘ - lost to veteran actor Gary Oldman who many believe should not have been awarded over the talented young New Yorker - or even nominated, some say, in light of the domestic abuse accusations made by his ex-wife’.

Timmy stared at himself in the white suit, walking the red carpet...he and Armie had stayed home on Oscar night. The film had gotten mostly overlooked after everything that happened. Oldman had won - ‘fucking disgusting to award someone who hit his wife, but no nomination for you?’, Armie had said angrily - so that was no different, but the fact that he’d apparently been nominated in this reality where he was ‘straight’, that just...everything about his career and industry hit home, hard, all at once.

‘Chalamet is something of Hollywood’s new it-boy’ - WTF?! - ‘what can you expect to see him in next? Well you’ll have to wait a while, he’s heading to England sometime soon to shoot a remake of Henry V for Netflix’ - Timmy could not believe what he was hearing - ‘but we can next expect to see him in the fall when he stars alongside Steve Carell in Beautiful Boy, a story of how a young man’s addiction’...Timmy just stared at the TV, his mouth hanging open. Too much was happening. It-boy? Netflix? England? Shakespeare? That was a new one...and he’d auditioned for Beautiful Boy but then everything came out and his callback got abruptly cancelled. Armie had held him as he cried, feeling like his career was going up in flames before it had even had a chance to spark.

The screen showed him and Armie on the Oscars red carpet, a moment aside together talking. They were looking into each others eyes, laughing. Then photographers shouted and Armie gently pushed him towards the sea of cameras, seeming to mouth, ‘go, shine, shine’, beaming with pride at Timmy, who turned back to smile at him. He nearly cried. He’d never be able to truly go to the Oscars with his husband. He wished that he’d woken up in this life a little earlier just so that he could have lived through that, and kept the memory.

Timmy turned the TV off and looked back at his phone. He had over 2.5 million followers and thousands of DMs. He went to the homescreen and deleted the app. He couldn’t handle this.  
He stood up carefully, feeling a little nauseous, then took a deep breath.

Timmy had slowly arrived at the possibility that this may be some sort of alternate reality. A reality where he and Armie never came out. Maybe all the stuff with the press had never happened, here...maybe they’d never been outed. His heart sank. If they’d never been outed, would they never have found the strength to come out themselves? Was their entire relationship just built on the fact that their lives were taken away from them and fell apart and then they had no-one else but each other? Was it a love borne out of exclusion - was it true love?

Timmy stopped himself, took a few deep breaths; he knew what he and Armie - his Armie - had was true love. This was crazy thinking...but he couldn’t get the horrible thought out of his head. Was this why he was here? Was he being tested or something? Was their love being tested? Maybe he had to show that their love was true enough and strong enough that they could declare it themselves, on their own terms - not on the world’s terms, as it had happened for him in his reality. Their own terms. He wanted to cry, suddenly wanting that more than ever. It had been taken away from them and now he had the opportunity to make it happen. Maybe...maybe he could make this reality turn out better than his own.

He suddenly felt better - he actually kind of felt good. He’d figured out - or at least thought he had - the reason for his being here, for this switch. He was going to make it happen. Armie loved him, he was certain. He was going to make this work - they would do this, exactly as they wanted, and there would not be all the pain and mess and fallout like the other time. He loved Armie and he knew how difficult things must be for him right now if he was still with Liz, still trying to hide and deny how he felt.

Timmy was going to help him. He decided the first way he would help Armie would be to remind him how absolutely goddamn downright beautiful he was - basically, to help Armie, he would make himself look so, so deeply fuckable that the man wouldn’t be able to think about anything else. That would be the start. Maybe that’s why he’d dressed down so much last night? Consideration for him? Timmy laughed; whatever other self had made that decision was gone, and tonight he was going to bring Armie to his knees. In every sense possible.

He showered and brushed his teeth again, covering his body with anything he had that would make him smell good, but not overpowering. He used some light makeup over his face to hide the cuts from the shower door incident, and made a mental note to tell the concierge on his way out tonight that he was very, very sorry. Timmy put on the clothes he’d picked out earlier and was almost ready to go when he remembered: SOCKS. ‘Please, please let me have pink socks, please…’ he muttered to himself as he threw things everywhere. ‘YES. Thank you other Timothée’, he said as he found the perfect pair of fuschia socks.

Then he spent about ten minutes tucking the pants into them, then out, then in, then out. In was his signature thing, but he couldn’t show up somewhere fancy with tucked in socks...but he was something of an it-boy, maybe he could get away with that...he ultimately decided not to tuck them in, but he did roll up the cuffs of his white pants so that the socks really popped, and the entire boot was on display. He checked his hair was ok - perfectly messy but clearly deliberate; hair that teased; hair that screamed, ‘wouldn’t you like to see what this looks like after a night of you grinding into me while I clutch the bedposts for dear life and scream your name?’ - and finished with a little cologne. As he made sure to put his wallet and phone into the blazer pockets, he stumbled across some jewellery and smiled gleefully. All silver, all sexy, all perfect. He put a chain around his neck and covered his wrists in thick bands, and slid several rings on - leaving his ring finger empty, of course. He looked at himself. ‘Well dammit, I’d fuck me’, he said to his reflection. His phone rang - Brian. ‘Hey, I’m heading out in a second’, he said as he grabbed his room keycard and walked out the door.

*******

Timmy arrived at the place. It was some kind of fancy restaurant where there was a dinner later - he had no idea who would be there - and Brian was meeting him in the bar. He entered and told the host - who audibly gasped when she saw him - who he was meeting. She led him to a secluded corner booth, in the mostly empty bar. Brian took one look at him and sighed, shaking his head.

‘Jesus Christ, Tim.’

‘Nice to see you too,’ said Timmy as he sat down. ‘You like?’

‘Do you want to watch the world burn, or just your career?’

‘Huh?’

‘That’s not what I approved for you to wear. You can’t go this extreme, you know that. Pink, pink, more pink…’ Brian grimaced.

‘Pink’s my favourite colour’, said Timmy defensively. He’d forgotten these fights with Brian - they’d stopped so long ago in his reality.

‘And I told you to get a case for your phone so no-one would know that you have a fucking rose gold iPhone’, said Brian, taking out his own phone and texting someone. Timmy just laughed, not in the mood - nor did he have the energy - to engage with this crap. It felt so beneath him. ‘Sonia’s coming, she’ll bring you something more appropriate to change into before you walk into that dinner next door’.

Timmy rolled his eyes. ‘This is what I’m wearing.’

‘Like hell it is. You’ll wear what I say and that’s final.’

‘Clearly you’ve been asleep at the fucking wheel because last night I was in the dullest shirt I’ve ever seen and I guess you had someone break in and steal my hairbrush?’ Timmy spat at him.

Brian sighed. ‘I already acknowledged that last night was a mistake. I went too far the other way, but Sonya and I are working hard to find a balance. Anyway, I didn’t ask you here so that we could talk about clothes, although that does actually bring me to the point quite nicely.’

‘Ok, shoot.’

‘The speech.’

‘What about it?’

‘Tim, everyone thinks you’re in love with him.’

‘So?’

Brian frowned. ‘This is what we’ve been working for months to avoid, and then you turn around and blow the whole thing wide open.’

‘I do, though.’

‘Sorry, what?’

‘I love him. I love Armie.’

Brian closed his eyes in despair. ‘Keep your fucking voice down. Since when?’

‘Since Crema.’

‘Since - oh my god. You’ve been fucking this whole time?’

‘No, no’, Timmy said - then paused - had they? From the way Armie behaved earlier it certainly didn’t seem so, but of course, in his reality, they absolutely had. But then he realised that they can’t possibly have been intimate, because if they had, the same shit would have played out and all of this wouldn’t be happening. ‘No, we haven’t,’ he said decisively.

‘Ok, ok good - so you two decided not to act on it? That’s the best decision.’

‘Well...Armie doesn’t exactly know. Yet. Well he does but he...he doesn’t know that he knows. And he doesn’t know that I know that he doesn’t know that he knows. Or maybe he does know. But no, I don’t think he knows.’

‘I’m lost.’

‘Basically, he doesn’t know but he actually does.’

‘I gathered that much. What exactly is your point, Tim?’

‘I love him and he loves me.’

‘Has he told you that he loves you?’

‘No. But I know he does. He just -’

‘He just doesn’t know that you know he doesn’t know or does know or whatever, yeah, got it.’ Brian paused. ‘Look, kid. You guys made a really beautiful film. An intense film, and you had to do some intense stuff together. But that’s all it was - a film. He has a wife and he’s straight.’

‘He is not straight,’ said Timmy.

‘It’s normal to feel confused about this stuff and develop feelings for co-stars, but they go away. This is a crush, an infatuation.’

‘It is anything but. This is everything,’ said Timmy intensely.

‘Tim, I have spent the last six months trying to make you appear as straight as it’s possible to be. You wouldn’t have been at the Oscars last week if it weren’t for me.’ Timmy didn’t protest - he knew Brian was right. ‘I’ve been selling you to directors and studios all over town - hell, all over the world - and these people don’t take chances on gay kids, no matter how crazy talented they are. This is give and take.’

‘Oh, I know.’

‘You know how much fucking damage control I had to do after the European press tour.’

‘Right. What happened there again?’ There had been no press tour of any kind, let alone in Europe, back in his reality.

‘It was a disaster and I don’t want to think about it. As long as I’m responsible for you, you’re never setting foot in that goddamn town again.’

‘What town?’

‘Crema, Tim.’

Timmy felt anger and despair boil up inside him. No Crema? Was this reality worth it if he could never go back to Crema? What exactly had even happened on this tour?

‘But look, you can breathe now. You’re gonna get tonight out of the way, end the Call Me By Your Name ruckus once and for all and then you’re off to England.’

‘I am?’

‘Do you not check your schedule?’

Something clicked. ’You’re talking about The King’, he realised.

‘Yes. No-one will give a fuck about you in Lincoln and I’ve ordered that there are to be no photos of you because of the new look they’re giving you - but it’s actually so that you can disappear. Things are going to boil over if you remain so overexposed.’ Timmy nodded. That was the first thing Brian had said that made sense. It was just starting to hit him that he was going to be acting: he had an actual job, an opportunity right now. ‘You won’t appear publicly until you start press for Beautiful Boy. That’s months away. So you’re gonna lay low most of the year, you’re gonna be an ocean away from Armie and you’ll be able to get your head in order.’

‘I love him,’ Timmy said defiantly.

‘I’m going to ignore that. Now, I’ve been talking with Lily’s agent, as I mentioned to you the other week,’ Timmy nodded as if he had any idea what Brian was talking about, trying not to appear stupid again, ‘and we’re creating a plan. When we’re all in England we can sit down and figure it out. But it’s going to be a piece of cake. You two can flirt on the set, that’ll start the trickle of rumours plus it’ll make it believable when people start asking - then we’ll have you take a few little trips here and there, London, Paris - that’s where she lives, actually - New York of course. Carefully planned public displays of affection - I can make it look spur of the moment -’

‘Are you talking about me faking a relationship with some girl?’ Timmy cut him off incredulously.

‘She’s not some girl, she’s Lily Rose Depp. Actress, model, Karl Lagerfeld’s muse, and oh, maybe you’ve heard of her father.’

Timmy was speechless. ‘This is...this really fucking low, Brian.’

‘Well you’ve changed your tune. You were all over this last week.’

‘Well clearly something was wrong with me.’

There was a pause. ‘Everyone does this, Tim. At least half the celebrity relationships you think are real? They’re not.’

‘I don’t care what everyone else does, this is me.’

‘We will start getting the two of you papped in the fall, during awards season buildup, to really drive it home that you’re - you know, that you like girls. If you want another Oscar nomination, you have to play the game.’

‘I’m sure she’s great, but the answer is no, and that’s final. I love Armie.’

‘It’ll pass, kid.’

‘You’re my agent, right? I love Armie, I want to be with him. I’m going to make it happen. He just needs to open up a little and realise. I want to be with him, I’m going to be with him, and as my agent, you’re going to help me in that endeavour. Nothing else. It’s all about Armie.’

A woman walked over before a frustrated Brian could respond. ‘Hi Timmy,’ she said, eyeing his outfit in confusion and alarm. She placed a large bag in front of him.

‘Sonia, perfect timing. Go change into whatever’s in there and then you’d better head into the dinner, or you’ll be late.’

Timmy pushed the bag across the table towards Brian. ‘I’ll go right there, I’m not changing.’

Brian leaned in close and spoke very, very quietly. ‘You look too fucking gay to go out there. I’m sure there’s already photos of this mess all over instagram from people snapping you on the way over, that I’m gonna have to go and explain away.’

‘If it’s already out there why do I need to change?’

‘Because I fucking told you. Everyone’s already suspicious because of what you said last night, you can’t show up to a formal event in a goddamn pink velvet jacket less than 24 hours later - you can’t wear this anytime, anywhere, what the fuck is wrong with you?’

Sonia chimed in, ‘that must be from the bag of clothes I packed to donate to Goodwill. Anonymously, of course.’

Timmy stared at them. ‘You two went through my things? You were going to take my _clothes_ away just so that nobody suspected I might be queer?’ He felt emotional and disturbed thinking about this, feeling the detail on the shirt, the soft velvet of the jacket. ‘These are...these are just beautiful, honestly. I could never get rid of them.’

‘You agreed to it,’ shrugged Sonia.

What the fuck was wrong with other-Timmy that he’d agree to this? The fake relationship, too? Were things really so bad and desperate for him? Did he care that much about what other people thought? Maybe at some point he’d stopped fighting and resigned himself to all this crap. Maybe he didn’t think it was worth it to do anything else. Poor guy. He stood up.

‘I’d better go.’

Brian nodded to Sonia, who quickly moved to the edge of the booth, blocking his exit.

‘Are you fucking kidding?’ Timmy asked, almost wanting to laugh but barely concealing the fact that he was absolutely furious.

Brian emptied out the bag. It was a grey suit and plain white shirt. Pathetic, thought Timmy.

‘No way, Brian.’

‘Let’s compromise. Just switch the blazer for this one. That’s the worst part.’

‘This is the _best_ part,’ Timmy protested, then considered if the blazer was even the best part - the shirt was gorgeous and the shoes he still could not get over - no, Timmy, no - he stopped his brain from running down an endless spiral debating this. ‘I have to wear the blazer.’ If he ruined this with a safe grey blazer, he wouldn’t turn Armie’s head quite so sharply. This was all about Armie. He needed to walk in there and be completely, utterly obvious.

‘The socks are a little much, too,’ said Sonia, throwing down a pair of dark grey socks. Timmy scowled.

‘No. Fucking. Way,’ Timmy spat, too angry to cry and too distraught to yell. ‘Please move out of my way.’

‘Don’t move, Sonia’, Brian ordered. ‘We’ve got all night. We will sit here until this place closes. Now. Take off that damn blazer.’

*******

He walked into the dining room, his hand clutching the bag tightly. He was still trying not to cry. Armie saw him from across the room and his face lit up.

‘Timmy!’ he yelled, heading eagerly towards him.

‘Hey,’ Timmy said weakly as Armie hugged him.

‘You look good. I like that shirt,’ Armie said.

‘Yeah, me too,’ said Timmy sadly - then he shook himself out of this. He didn’t want to bring Armie down. If he moped around all evening, Armie wouldn’t be inclined to realise that he loved him. He smiled widely. ‘Sorry. Thanks. It’s really good to see you.’

‘Yeah, you too man,’ said Armie. Timmy hated it when Armie called him ‘man’ but right now it was even worse somehow. ‘I need a drink - vodka and orange juice?’ he offered, heading towards the bar.

Timmy smiled. ‘Yeah, could you make sure -’

‘Only fresh squeezed for Mr Chalamet,’ Armie yelled, grinning at him.  

Timmy smiled, shaking his head. He stood alone for a second, looking around. It was pretty much just a bunch of people from Call Me By Your Name - all familiar faces, he just hadn’t seen them in a long time. It was amazing that such a tiny little independent film had made it this far - well over a year after shooting. He knew it was what Luca and everyone there deserved for all their work. Amazing what can happen when everyone seems straight.

Then he saw Liz walking towards him, holding a glass of wine. He didn’t know what to expect. He automatically felt angry and terrified, which he tried to shrug off, reminding himself that this wasn’t the same Liz who had hurt them. She was smiling at him but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. ‘Hey sweetheart,’ she greeted him, giving him a one armed hug and kissing his cheek.

Timmy didn’t know how to return her warmth. ‘Uh, hey Liz,’ he said, trying to act nice.

‘Missed you last night. Armie said you got sick?’ she said, looking concerned.

‘Yeah, sorry I left so soon’. He hadn’t spoken to her like this in a long time. Ever, really. He smiled at her, trying to grow accustomed to how things were with this Liz. She hadn’t done anything wrong, he reminded himself; she hasn’t hurt anyone.

‘That’s ok honey, I’m not mad,’ she said, looking at him meaningfully. ‘It’s not your fault. But you did the right thing by leaving,’ she said, taking a sip of her wine. Timmy suspected she might not just be talking about last night. He nodded carefully.

‘Yeah, I feel a lot better now.’

‘I’m glad,’ she said, squeezing his arm supportively.

‘So um, where are we sitting?’ he asked her.

She paused. ‘I think you’re sitting with Luca.’

Armie returned with their drinks. ‘Thanks,’ said Timmy, taking his.

‘Oh, nothing for me?’ asked Liz, feigning offence.

‘You already have one,’ said Armie, gesturing to her wine. She looked at the ground. Armie didn’t notice.

‘We’d better sit down,’ she said quietly, taking his arm and leading him away.

‘You coming?’ asked Armie.

‘I’m not with you,’ Timmy told him. Armie’s face fell. It hurt to look at, so Timmy turned away, going to find Luca.

*******

The meal was fine; Timmy loved everyone that was there and he distracted himself by taking the opportunity to enjoy their company, tell them things about the filming experience that he’d spent months thinking about and never had the chance to tell them. From their reactions, it seemed like other-Timmy had already said all these things.

When they were halfway through dessert and Timmy was just picking at his lemon tart - he didn’t even know why he’d ordered tarte au citron anywhere outside of France, he was just setting himself up for disappointment -  Luca put a gentle hand on his, making him set down his fork.

‘What is the matter tonight, tesoro?

‘Nothing, nothing - I’m fine, sorry,’ said Timmy, plastering a smile on his face.

Luca gave him a look. ‘You should know by now that I know when you are faking it.’

Timmy laughed half heartedly. ‘You do, you always do, man,’

‘Now this jacket,’ said Luca, gesturing to the grey jacket that hung over the back of Timmy’s chair, ‘this is not a jacket that belongs with this shirt. They are not right, they do not make each other happy,’ he said passionately, ‘in fact - this is not a jacket that belongs on you, Timothée.’

Luca always pronounced it correctly. Timmy considered a moment, then lifted the bag to Luca’s lap. Luca reached inside and pulled out just the sleeve of the pink velvet beauty. ‘That’s what I’d picked out,’ Timmy told him.

‘Ahhh…oh my god, but this is beautiful, no?’ Luca said. ‘This, this is you.’

‘I know.’

‘This is a jacket worthy of that shirt - worthy of you! Why can they not be together?’ Luca said forlornly, with so much feeling it was as if he were talking about star-crossed lovers rather than clothes. Maybe he was.

Timmy turned, moving closer to Luca, and asked, ‘hé, tu peux parler Français avec moi?’ quietly.

Luca nodded. ‘Ouais, bien sûr chérie.’

Timmy and Luca did this sometimes when they didn’t want people to listen to them.

‘I can’t wear it because someone might take a picture and then the world will see the picture and the world will think I’m gay,’ said Timmy, laughing sadly.

‘Ah. I’m sorry.’

‘Not your fault,’ Timmy shrugged.

Luca carefully put the bag back at Timmy’s feet. ‘You know. I put you in my little film and I don’t think you had any idea what was going to happen to you, did you?’ Timmy shook his head. ‘Sometimes I wonder if it was too much. I wonder if I did the right thing, especially with you, casting one so young…’

‘Luca, no, I wouldn’t change it for the world. It changed my fucking life.’

‘Yes, precisely; you are changed, Armie is changed. And it is very clear to me that you are not able to make peace with these changes and you both try to live your lives as if they are the same as they were before, as if you never set foot in Crema. As if you never met.’

‘I don’t live like that.’

‘Then why are you not wearing that gorgeous jacket?’ Timmy realised Luca was right. He looked towards Armie, who it turned out was staring at him. Timmy smiled at him. Armie nodded but looked away quickly. ‘Oh, Armie,’ Luca said softly. ‘He has it worse than you, but of course you know that, don’t you?’

‘Oh, I know.’

‘If you never let yourself take any turns, you will find that you have been leading the wrong life all along. And when the day comes that you are finally filled so completely and fully with pain that you can admit that to yourself, admit that you were leading the wrong life all along - it will be too late.’ Luca cupped Timmy’s cheek tenderly, smiled at him fondly. ‘Go to him.’

‘I can’t, he’s with her and all those others,’ Timmy shrugged.

‘I will take care of it,’ said Luca, ‘but do remember, she is not your enemy. This is not easy for her either.’ Timmy nodded.

Luca stood up and strode confidently to the other end of the table and took Liz’s hand. ‘Elizabeth, my dear, you simply must meet the pastry chef here. He is a sweet dear friend of mine and I think you two would get along wonderfully,’ he declared.

Liz laughed, ‘if you insist, Luca’, and went with him to the kitchen.

Armie watched them go, bemused, then caught Timmy’s eyes. He nodded to the door behind him. Meet me in the hallway, he mouthed.

*******

They were sitting side by side on a couch in the hallway between the dining hall and the bathrooms. They hadn’t said anything yet.

‘How does Luca know a pastry chef in Texas?’ Armie finally said, breaking the ice.

They laughed. It got rid of some of the awkwardness. ‘He never stops surprising me.’

They paused. Armie smiled at him, then looked at his shirt. ‘So you uh, found it, then,’ he said, gently nudging Timmy’s white boot with his own brown shoe.

‘Found what?’

‘The bag that was destined for Goodwill. I snuck it out of your place in my gym bag. Last week,’ Armie said, a little embarrassed. ‘Yesterday was the first chance I had to get it back to you, I snuck into your room,’ he confessed.

Timmy looked at him, mouth slightly open in delighted shock. ‘You...you saved my clothes?’

Armie nodded. ‘Yeah,’ he said quietly.

‘Why?’

He paused. ‘Because you...are too young to let them walk all over you, and you...I mean, you look good in anything but there was some stuff in there, I saw it and I just couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing you - I mean, you never getting to wear them again.’

‘No, no - first thought.’ This was a habit - Timmy always did this with his Armie, because he had a tendency to say half of what he actually thought and then correct himself with what he thought was safer to say instead. So both Armie’s were the same in that regard, he noted. Armie, now, looked a little taken aback at Timmy’s directness. ‘Say what you actually thought. The first thought you had before your brain stopped you. You couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing me…?’

‘I…’ Armie trailed off, his knee starting to bounce up and down. Timmy put a hand on his lower thigh to calm him. Armie initially tensed up at the touch but didn’t move away. He looked down at Timmy’s hand, then up to meet his eyes. ‘I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing you wear these clothes again - because - yes, you look great in them but - they make you feel happy when you wear them. So many of them were pink and I know that’s your favourite colour, I couldn’t let you get rid of that. I know that these clothes bring you happiness. I couldn’t let you throw away your happiness. It’s hard enough to come by, we can’t afford to throw it away.’

Timmy didn’t quite know what to say. He smiled a little bit. There was hope. There was fucking hope. ‘Thank you, Armie.’

Armie looked away briefly, then moved his hand to his thigh and placed his hand on Timmy’s, not quite lacing their fingers together but letting them linger with his. ‘I guess what I’m saying is, I want you to be happy and seeing you happy...that’s everything,’ he whispered.

‘I want you to be happy too, Armie, I…,’ Timmy stopped short of telling him that he loved him. Armie had just taken a huge step. He didn’t want to push him too far tonight. ‘Thank you,’ he said instead.

They stayed sitting like that, half holding hands, making eye contact for a few seconds until one of them broke it, until the other made it again. Then Armie looked away from Timmy for a moment.

‘You ok?’

‘Yeah, yeah. I’m ok,’ Armie paused, then looked back at him. ‘I won’t let them do to you what I watched them do to me, Timmy’ he promised softly, now completely interlacing their fingers and squeezing his hand tightly.

‘What did they do to you?’

‘A lot, but...I can never fucking let myself say what I’m thinking. And so then I don’t even let myself think it. I’m losing thoughts before I even have them,’ he said, staring at Timmy’s knees, voice quivering a little.

Timmy squeezed his hand back. ‘You can say whatever you want to me, always.’

‘I know. I know. There’s no one else. No one else I can say these things to but you,’ he told him. ‘It shouldn’t be that way but at the same time it’s…’, a smile crossed his face, ‘it’s special that it is.’

‘I know.’ Jesus, how did other-Timmy even cope when Armie would say things like this?

‘Your speech was really special. I mean it. No-one’s ever said anything like that about me. No-one else would have even taken the time to think about, put words to it. But you did, Timmy. You did.’ He let go of Timmy to bury his face in his hands, holding back tears, it sounded like. Timmy gently rubbed his back. ‘I haven’t stopped thinking about it. You’re...you’re really wonderful. I don’t even know what I did to deserve to have you in my life,’ Armie told him. ‘You see me. Nobody else does.’

The door opened and Liz crossed the hall to get to the bathroom. She smiled at the two of them without saying anything. She barely reacted to how emotional they both clearly were. It was like she - Armie’s wife - had intruded on them, and she was being tactful and getting away quickly. It was weird. When she disappeared into the bathroom, Armie stood up. He didn’t want to still be there when Liz came back, Timmy knew.

‘Thanks for last night. You’re an awesome friend,’ said Armie, patting him on the shoulder. Back to impersonal, hetero shit, Timmy realised sadly. ‘You know, you’re gonna meet someone amazing. And I bet it happens soon. They’re gonna...they’re gonna be really, really great and they’re gonna deserve you.’

‘Uh huh,’ Timmy said softly, sadly.

Armie looked into his eyes, then away. ‘The love of your life is out there. But it’s not me, Timmy.’

_But it’s not me, Timmy._

_But it’s not me, Timmy._

Armie nodded then turned away, began walking towards the door.

Timmy blurted out, ‘don’t you think the love of _your_ life should be someone who sees you when nobody else ever does?

Armie turned back around and looked into his eyes for a heartbreaking instant. ‘Yeah, probably,’ he said softly, defeatedly.

Timmy couldn’t think of anything else to say. He just looked hard into Armie’s eyes, begging him to say, _it’s you, it’s you, it’s you_. His head screamed, _please, my love, come on_.

Armie looked back at him, looking almost frightened by Timmy’s gaze. He opened his mouth. ‘I…’ he closed it. ‘I should go back inside.’

‘First thought,’ whispered Timmy, desperate. He stepped towards him but didn’t get too close - he could see how agonising this was for Armie.

Armie’s hand sort of moved towards Timmy’s face, then retracted; then towards him again, then dropped onto his shoulder. He gripped Timmy’s shoulder a little too hard, like it was all that was keeping him from falling. Maybe it was. ‘I can’t tell you the first thought,’ he whispered.

‘You can. You can do it. I know you can, Armie.’ I remember when you first said it, Timmy wanted to say; you’ve said it a thousand times since and it still never gets old. He bit his tongue, and instead he slowly took the hand that Armie had squeezing his shoulder, and eased it towards his chest. He held it over his heart, and then looked into Armie’s eyes. Timmy’s gaze was warm, open and so full of love.

Armie closed his eyes and sighed shakily, and Timmy let his heartbeat radiate all through Armie’s body and tried to send him all the things he knew were too much to say right now. _It’s yours, this heart, it was yours before we met. When you were nine years old in the Cayman’s, you carved my heart while I was still inside my mother and I was the size of your fingernail. I grew to become yours, this was fucking destiny. Before I was born, you knew me._

They both heard the sound of high heels from behind the other door. Armie’s eyes snapped open; he looked terrified and quickly slipped back inside the dining room. Timmy almost couldn’t move - then realised if he didn’t, he’d be alone with Liz, and he didn’t think he could handle that. He walked fast, opening the door to go outside. He was expecting a patio or something, but instead there were only concrete steps covered in cigarette butts. He tried to go back inside, but the door was locked.

Timmy rolled his eyes and groaned. He debated texting someone to let him in, but he didn’t even want to go back in there. He couldn’t face Armie again tonight.

He sat down on the frigid steps, his hand coming to rest on his shoulder where Armie had just been holding him. He turned his cheek into his shoulder, and rocked himself slowly from side to side. That was the closest Armie had come. But he still had so much further to go.

Timmy decided to walk back to the hotel. He felt his phone start to blow up so he put it on airplane mode. He tore off the awful jacket and threw it into a fountain, not giving a fuck that he was shivering in the freezing cold.

When he got back to the hotel he took a shower so long and so hot that his skin turned bright red. It started to hurt but he didn’t care. He barely felt it.

*******

The next morning, he looked in the mirror and saw that his shoulder had little purple bruises. From Armie.

He placed his own hand over the mark Armie had made, and smiled sadly. It ached.

He had a lot of work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it!! please comment anything you like!! <3 
> 
> note - I didn't write Luca and Timmy's convo in french because I thought it would just be confusing and unnecessary for most of you (plus my french isn't good enough to write that) but yeah that conversation is in french. the two lines that were in french, to establish that, just say 'hey, will you talk french with me?' and 'yes of course, sweetheart'. Luca can speak French in real life. :) 
> 
> stay tuned! chapter 3 coming soon! xo xo


	3. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone, I'm so sorry this took longer than planned - I had a crazy week and weekend with work stuff. I wrote this SUPER long chapter to try and make up for the delay, I hope you enjoy it :) 
> 
> NOTE - the first section has mention of suicide (but that's NOT what is happening), but I felt like I should mention it in case anyone has difficulties with reading about that - tread carefully in the first section if that's the case. but as you'll see, that's not what is actually happening.

**Chapter 3**

_**'He was my secret conduit to myself—like a catalyst that allows us to become who we are, the foreign body, the pacer, the graft, the patch that sends all the right impulses, the steel pin that keeps a soldier’s bone together, the other man’s heart that makes us more us than we were before the transplant.'** _

_\- André Aciman, Call Me By Your Name_

 

Timmy walked slowly to the bathroom to pee and brush his teeth. He thought about where his Armie was right now. What was his husband doing today? Was he ok? He probably woke up yesterday and had no idea what had happened to Timmy.

When Armie worried about something, he went all out, and if Timmy was missing...he’d probably run all over the hotel, shouting; called the police, called Timmy’s parents...maybe there were posters and news stories. At least this might make Armie look sympathetic, a welcome change from all the hatred.

Unless...people might say he deserved to have Timmy taken away from him. Timmy’s heart sank; without him, Armie had very few people left. And now he’d been flung into this place with an Armie too scared to say he loved him, and his own Armie had nothing? What had they done to deserve this? Betrayed Liz, he thought. Destroyed a family. Maybe he did deserve this.

Maybe he was dead and this was his personal hell. Maybe that night after the film awards, something had happened and he’d just died in his sleep and now this, here, was his punishment for what he did to Liz, and Harper, and Ford - and Armie, too, by acting on his feelings for him. _You have nothing to apologise for, you did nothing wrong_ , he heard Armie’s voice in his head. His husband had said these things to him so many times but Timmy had never quite been able to believe it.

If he was right about this, he was definitely never seeing his husband again.

What if he somehow got this Armie to fall in love with him and the moment it happened; the moment he said it, or the moment they kissed, or the moment he came all over Timmy’s chest; he was snatched away? What if...what if his punishment was to spend an eternity with version after version if Armie who didn’t love him, or who didn’t quite love him, or who loved him but didn’t know what to do about it? Timmy groaned. He knew it sounded crazy but what was ACTUALLY happening right now also sounded crazy. He couldn’t rule anything out.

He looked at the ceiling. ‘Um,’ he said after a moment, feeling stupid. ‘God?’ Nothing, obviously. ‘This is stupid,’ he muttered, and threw himself on the bed.

How could he know that this wasn’t what he thought it was? Timmy had an idea. He pulled on a sweater and headed out, walking quickly through the hallways and the lobby. He jammed his headphones into his ears and turned his music up loud. He saw hotel staff in the lobby smile at him and say things, but he couldn’t hear. He kept walking, out the front door. He slowed a little when he was almost at the road.

Timmy looked up, seeing the trucks and cars fly past him. He took a small step slightly closer to the edge. Then another. He looked slowly upwards, half expecting something to happen. He couldn’t die twice, and they’d have to stop him - they being God or whoever ran things - so that they could keep up the ruse. He took two more steps. The road was so loud. He turned the music up even more. It hurt his ears. He looked at the cars and took another step. Timmy didn’t feel scared, he had convinced himself so thoroughly that he had to be dead already that this didn’t bother him much. He decided to crouch down and just roll onto the road - that would be easier, the car wouldn’t see him and wouldn’t stop. His knees on the concrete pavement, he reached one hand out slowly. Turned the music up. He saw a large truck turning the corner. Decided this was it. He took a deep breath and rocked backwards slightly so that he could throw himself onto the road with full force. He took a deep breath.

Then he felt arms around his waist tight. He yelled, ‘I knew it, I knew you wouldn’t let me!’, triumphant, thinking he was talking to God or some other supernatural being. Then his headphones were ripped out and he was pulled roughly around to face... _Elizabeth_. She looked half angry, half relieved. His eyes widened in shock.

‘What the fuck are you doing?’ she screamed, starting to cry.

‘I…you. You,’ he spluttered.

‘What the hell, Timmy?’ she slapped him across the face, then looked shocked that she’d done that. ‘Oh my god, I’m sorry.’

‘No, it’s ok.’

‘I’m kind of shaken up,’ she said, breathing heavily through her tears. Her hands were tremoring, Timmy noticed. He took them in his and rubbed soothing circles into her palms with his thumbs.

‘Breathe, two three, out, two, three, in, two, three, out, two, three…’ he guided her. ‘Hey, let’s get away from the roadside,’ he said gently, offering her his hand. She was walking kind of lopsided, he noticed. ‘You broke a heel,’ he said sadly.

‘I don’t think Louboutins are built for a mad dash to stop a suicide,’ she said shakily.

His heart sank. ‘Oh my god...oh fuck, no, Liz, no. I’m so sorry. That’s not what that was,’ he said, realising how stupid he’d been to do this in broad daylight.

‘Why else would you...oh my god, I can’t unsee it,’ she sobbed.

Timmy pulled her into a hug. He couldn’t quite believe that Liz - Liz - of all people had been the one to do that. This wasn’t the same woman he knew. ‘I’m sorry, Liz, I’m really sorry,’ he told her earnestly. ‘I can’t explain it, but I swear it’s not what it looked like. I - I didn’t think. I’m sorry. It wasn’t, I swear.’

‘Don’t ever fucking do that, please. Promise me - call me, call Armie, call your mom, Pauline - we love you, we will help you however you need.’

‘I’m fine Liz, honestly, it’s not what you think.’

‘Really, Timmy? What the hell was it, then?’

He couldn’t explain it. It sounded insane. ‘I just...I was doing research. For a...a project,’ he said. Maybe it was believable? He actually had a career here, so…

‘For a role?’ she asked.

‘Exactly. Yeah,’ he said.

Her eyes narrowed. ‘Well next time do it somewhere that we can’t see.’

‘Right, yeah, of course.’ He paused. ‘We?’

‘We were all eating breakfast. Harper saw you out the window and started shouting, _Uncle Timmy is too close to the road, he should look both ways_...Armie and I saw what was actually happening.’

‘Harper...oh god, I didn’t even think of that…’

‘That’s obvious. It’s ok, I don’t think she had any idea what was happening.’

‘Still.’ Timmy didn’t want to ask about Armie, didn’t want to detract from this moment with Liz. But why had it been her and not him?

She rolled her eyes, knowing what he was thinking. ‘Armie got held up,’ she said, nodding across to the hotel. The large dining room was wall-to-wall glass windows and a few doors. Armie was being tended to by several hotel staff, sat on the grass - but his eyes were anxiously on Timmy and Elizabeth.

‘What happened?’

‘He...he took one look at you and he threw our table at the window to break the glass, and he tried to madly run to you. But he got hurt.

‘And you?’

‘I came out through the door. Right by our table,’ said Elizabeth, making them both laugh in spite of everything.

‘There was a door?’

‘Right there. Yeah.’

‘Jesus, Armie.’

‘He can be impulsive sometimes,’ she said.

‘Mm.’ Not often enough, thought Timmy to himself.

 

*******

 

Timmy closed the door of his room and leaned against it, exhaling heavily. Just getting back here from the street outside had been exhausting; hotel staff rushing out, bringing him foil blankets and endless cups of tea, _for goodness sake, I’m fine_ , Timmy had thought to himself; someone called the police and he’d had to talk to them until they were assured that he was totally fine, and they scolded him for wasting their time. He’d apologised, profusely, to absolutely everyone.

Then, right when it looked like it was almost over, a swarm of people - mostly girls - just descended on him, screaming his name, their phones taking endless photos of him - fuckkk - and they were all thrusting things at him; Call My By Your Name posters and copies of the book - did these girls just carry these around with them?! - begging him to sign them. He hadn’t known what to do, he just stared at them, eyes wide, starting to shake a little.

Elizabeth had stepped into action, moving in front of him. ‘No photos, he’s getting ready for a new project and we can’t reveal his new look just yet,’ she lied smoothly. ‘It would be so amazing if you delete all of them?’ she asked. They all sighed and obliged. ‘Timmy’s totally fine, no need to worry, right T?’ Timmy had just looked at Liz and then back at the girls, not knowing what to do. He pulled the foil blanket over his head and shuffled quickly away.

The girls screamed after him, trying to follow. Luckily, once inside the hotel lobby, the doorman didn’t let any of them in. ‘You have a lot of fans, huh?’ he said to Timmy. _Fans_ , Timmy realised. _That’s_ what that was. That had been a fucking nightmare.

He slowly made his way to his bed and threw himself, face first, onto the pillow. It had barely been a second and then his phone began to ring. He groaned. The only person he wanted it to be was Armie. When he saw the name on the screen, he exhaled in relief. His Mom. Somehow, in the midst of all this craziness, he’d totally forgotten about his family. He slid his thumb across the screen to take the call, hoping to god that everything with his parents here was the same as it was back in his old reality.

‘Hey Mom,’ he said, laying on his back.

‘Don’t ‘hey Mom’ me, Timothée Hal Chalamet, you gave me the fright of my life.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘I usually ignore anything I see about you in the press but this...a suicide attempt?’

Timmy groaned. ‘No, fuck, oh my god, Mom, no, no, just, no. That’s not what it was. Really I swear. I’m really, really sorry. I totally understand what it looked like. But I’m fine, I wasn’t trying to...I’m sorry, Mom,’ Timmy told her earnestly, hating himself for his stupid decision.

  
‘Do you think I’m an idiot, Timmy? Come on.’

‘It was for a role! Research. I just didn’t think, I didn’t think what it would look like or what you’d think...I’m really sorry, Mom. Please don’t be mad.’

‘What role would even require this?’

‘I...can’t talk about it,’ Timmy said, hoping that would work.

‘Oh, the secret project again,’ his Mom sighed.

‘Yep, the secret project, that’s the one,’ said Timmy, thankful for the existence of such a thing - then wondering what it could possibly be.

‘Next time you’re doing research, please don’t do it in public like that. It...it terrified me, Timmy.’

‘I know. I know. I’m really, really fucking sorry, believe me. I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry,’ he kept saying, feeling truly, deeply terrible for making his mother scared like that.

‘You’ve had all this fame thrown at you, very quickly, and you’re talking with these big directors and the pressure and amount of people looking at you, it’s only going to increase, honey, and you’re not...you’re not like Saoirse, you didn’t grow up with this. You’re not used to it. Your Dad and I worried it would get to you, but we didn’t think it was, we thought you were handling it well, and then this...oh god. For a moment I suddenly wish we’d raised you in the French countryside and been one of those families without a television and kept you as far away from all this as we could...oh, my mind was going crazy.’

‘Oh, Mom…’ Timmy sighed, close to tears. ‘I promise you, you’ve done nothing wrong by me, ever, and this wasn’t what it looked like but I’m so sorry. I won’t scare you like that again, I promise.’

‘I know, honey, I know.’

‘I love you, Momma,’ he said affectionately.

‘Oh, I love you too, Timmy.’

‘Can I come visit?’ he asked suddenly, wanting more than anything to give his Mom a hug right now.

‘It’s already planned for you to fly here tonight,’ she laughed. ‘Did you forget?’

‘I...yeah, it’s been a crazy few days,’ he said, feeling so relieved that he could go home today. ‘It’ll be really good to see you.’

‘Did you want to stay here? Or are you going back to your place?’ she asked. ‘I can make up your bed.’

Timmy smiled. ‘Yeah, I wanna come home,’ he said, already halfway there in his head.

His Mom laughed. ‘Ok sweetheart. I’ll have everything ready. Text me your flight info and let me know when you land.’

‘Yeah, for sure. Love you, Mom.’

‘Love you too, Timmy. See you soon.’

‘Yeah, see you.’ He hung up.

He actually had no idea of his flight details and wondered how he could find them. He was scrolling through his email - freaking out at some of the people who were emailing him - looking for a flight confirmation or something, when he heard a knock at his door, right as his phone rang again. Luca. He answered it, walking to the door.

‘Hey Luca, I’m fine, sorry if it freaked you out,’ he began.

‘No, no. I took one look at the photos and knew it was not what everyone is saying. I can read you very well, tesoro. Don’t worry’ he assured him.

‘Oh. Ok. Then why are you calling?’ he asked, opening the door.

Armie.

Timmy’s heart skipped a beat.

Armie smiled. ‘Hey,’ he said. Timmy smiled back and opened the door to let him step inside as he listened to Luca.

‘I’m calling because I know we are both leaving, and don’t know when I will next see you. Join me for lunch, let’s say around one?’ he asked.

‘Sure, I’d love that.’

‘I’ll pick you up at your hotel. Ciao.’ Luca hung up.

Timmy turned to Armie, putting his phone on airplane mode. ‘Hey,’ he said.

‘Hey.’

‘Armie, I’m really sorry…’ he began.

‘Don’t, it’s ok,’ Armie stopped him.

Timmy noticed he was covered in bandages and, fuck, some small stitches on his forehead. ‘Shit, Armie,’ he sighed. ‘This is all my fault.’

‘No, I threw a table out the window when there was a perfectly good door right there,’ he said. ‘It’s my own fault.’

‘You only did that cuz of me,’ Timmy gently touched one of the bandages. Armie winced a little. ‘More stitches?’

‘No, uh...burns. And some cuts. The bandages are to stop infection.’

‘Burns?’

‘There was a lot of coffee on the table. When I picked it up it went flying...mostly onto me.’

‘Oh Jesus Armie.’

‘It’s ok. Better me than Harper or Ford.’

‘Oh, fuck…’

‘It’s ok, really.’

‘I was just...stupid. It’s for a secret project,’ he said half-heartedly. Armie’s eyes narrowed.

‘Timmy, the secret project is what you say to your Mom when you don’t want her to know the truth. You started doing it after you saw me say it to Liz. I fucking invented the secret project,’ he told him, ‘so don’t even try that shit with me.’

Timmy sighed. ‘Of course you did. Sorry.’

‘What was really going on, Timmy?’

Timmy paused. He considered telling him. ‘I…’ he stopped. He couldn’t. It was too much, too crazy, plus he was leaving. ‘It’s nothing. I...was sleepwalking,’ he muttered. It was all he could think of.

‘Pretty sure that’s bullshit.’

Timmy realised he’d just lied to Armie, twice, in less than a minute. _No_. He started to cry. ‘I’m so sorry, Armie,’ he sobbed. He felt arms around him, pulling him into Armie’s firm, warm chest. ‘I’m so fucking sorry, I hate this so much, I hate how everything is. I hate that I’m hurting you...when you’re already so messed up...everything is so wrong, I keep fucking up, I’m so...lost.’

‘We’re gonna figure it out,’ Armie whispered. ‘Ssh, ssh, ssh. It’s ok. It’s ok. I’ve got you.’

This was so, so painfully identical to how his Armie comforted him when he was upset that Timmy just sobbed even harder. He couldn’t even tell Armie why. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said feebly.

‘Do you...do you wanna come back to LA with us? Stay in the guest room, take some time to decompress? Everything’s been crazy, maybe you need a little time-out before England. We can stay home, keep the curtains closed, watch movies, cook dinner on the grill, put the kids to bed and argue over which bottle of wine to open,’ Armie said quietly. ‘Just...let’s just be normal, be chill.’

That sounded like heaven but Timmy knew it would be torturous. What Armie had just described was everything he did with his husband. Except the part about the guest room. And they only put the kids to bed once a month. But otherwise...maybe he should say yes, maybe if he spent a few days with him, away from all the craziness that had followed them around Austin, Armie would see...would understand...but no, no; Timmy tried to shake himself out of this. He knew he could go crazy doing that; knew that he could stay at Armie’s for weeks and months and end up with nothing but intense conversations that almost went somewhere but never did, leaving him more alone and heartbroken with every passing day, and probably ultimately driven insane.

He felt so bad for other-Timmy and this world of almosts and maybes and hanging ons. What kind of life was this?

And he really wanted his Mom.

‘I can’t, Armie,’ he said softly.

Armie sighed. ‘Why?’

‘It’d be too hard.’

‘Hanging out with me would be too hard? Why?’

Timmy sat up and looked at him sadly. ‘Because it would hurt. It hurts to be around you right now, Armie. I…’ I know what we could be. I know what’s possible. It’s breaking my heart to not have that. ‘I need some space.’

‘From...from me?’ Armie asked, his voice breaking. His lip was quivering and his eyes growing shiny with tears.

‘Yeah.’ A pause. He took Armie in. He decided to try one more time. ‘I can tell you’re upset. Why are you so upset by this?’

‘I have a heart, don’t I?’ Armie said defensively, sniffing.

‘Why does it upset you to hear that I need some space?’

‘Cuz...you’re...you mean a lot to me. And you say it’s hurting you to be around me right now...and I don’t want you to be hurt, Timmy, I don’t want you to be in pain, especially not because of me. I never want to hurt you but I have, haven’t I? I fucking - I fucking hate myself for that. Can’t you just come to LA, give me a chance to make it right?’

‘How exactly would you make it right?’ Timmy asked. Armie looked into his eyes, pleading silently with Timmy not to make him say it. His hand reached out towards Timmy’s face, debating whether to touch him, then tentatively cradled his cheek, his jaw. Timmy nodded gently, encouraging. Armie let out a shaky breath. He pulled Timmy towards him, pausing - maybe thinking about kissing him - then moved his head, pressing their cheeks together. Timmy felt a tear roll down Armie’s cheek onto his own. He gently reached his hand up to the other side of Armie’s face and used his thumb to carefully wipe away the tears on that side.

‘It’s really hard, Timmy,’ Armie whispered. ‘I’m really scared.’

‘I know. I know.’ Timmy wrapped both his arms around Armie and held him tight. Armie let out a shaky sob. ‘Does it hurt you to be around me, too?’  
‘Of course not. It isn’t easy, but…’

‘But shouldn’t it be? Shouldn’t it be easy to be around your friend?’

‘You’re more than that…’

‘So I’m the same as Nick? Does it hurt you to be around Nick? Have you cried about him? Have you held him the way you’ve held me and cried at the prospect of not seeing him for months?’

‘No, of course not, that’s just Nick, that’s different. That sucks but it’s not, like, I don’t know. Looking at you is hard because it feels like I shouldn’t. You’re so…’ he trailed off.

‘What?’

‘Oh fuck. I guess it does hurt to be around you. I’ve just normalised it so much. This is just what it means to hang out with you, this feeling. I didn’t know it was pain until you asked me. But I guess somehow it’s worth it.’ Timmy pulled back and pressed his forehead to Armie’s. ‘Jesus, Timmy. Looking at you is hard because...cuz…’

‘Why, Armie?’ he whispered, desperate.

‘I want…I...’

Timmy kissed his cheek, right at the corner of his mouth. ‘Go on,’ he encouraged. ‘This could so easily not hurt, Armie. This could so easily be the most painless thing, me and you.’

‘Easily...no, not easily.’

‘Easier than you fucking tearing yourself apart every time you look at me, every time we talk.’

Armie took his hand and laced their fingers together. ‘When I thought you were about to die, suddenly everything stopped making sense. I couldn’t keep it together. I had to stop you...you couldn’t just stop existing. If you’d really done it...I would stop existing too.’

‘Don’t you think that this, all of this, that maybe it means something? Acknowledge it, say it, please - it has to be you, I’ve already given you every opportunity. You need to.’

‘I can’t, if I say it then there’s no going back.’

‘Good. Good, I don’t wanna go back. Just say it.’ Timmy took Armie’s face in his hands and gently massaged his temples, his skull, trying to soothe him - he knew his brain was running a mile a minute right now.

‘I...Timmy, please, just give me some time…’

‘We met so long ago, Armie, there’s been so much time…’

Armie breathed fast, heavy. He bought his head forwards a little, his lips almost at Timmy’s. He felt Armie’s breath on his face. Espresso and cherry jam. Their lips were so close...Timmy licked his lips, boldly brushing his tongue over Armie’s. Armie’s hand made its way to the back of Timmy’s neck, pulling him closer, their lips about to crash together - when there was a loud knock at the door. Armie leapt up from the bed, like he’d been burned. Timmy fell forwards onto the bed where Armie had been sitting. He groaned loudly and punched the bed in frustration.

Armie answered the door. A woman dressed in hotel uniform stood in the hall. ‘Sorry to disturb, Mr Chalamet. I’m here to tell you that Mr, um, Goody-neeno is waiting in the lobby to take you to lunch.’

In spite of everything, Armie and Timmy both burst out laughing.

‘It’s Guadagnino, ma’am,’ said Armie through his giggles.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she said, blushing.

‘It’s fine - I’ll be right there,’ said Timmy. She nodded and left. Armie closed the door.

They looked at each other, still smiling. ‘Goody-neeno,’ Armie muttered, shaking his head.

‘I guess that’s my cue to leave,’ said Timmy.

Armie nodded. ‘Right.’

‘Shit, I need to put something else on,’ he exclaimed, realising he was still in the sweatpants that he’d run outside in that morning. He found a pair of dark navy jeans and began looking for a shirt.

‘Timmy -’

‘No, Armie, I have to go. Please...don’t start it all again. I can’t.’

‘I know. I can’t either. I just - here.’ He reached into his big inside pocket and took something pink out. It was the velvet blazer. ‘You left it last night, after you...disappeared.’

‘Oh,’ Timmy whispered, taking it. ‘I guess I’ve walked out on you twice, now, huh.’

‘Yeah. But...it’s ok. Last night...that was my fault.’

Timmy shrugged. ‘I feel like every time we talk it just becomes so...you know.’

‘I know.’

  
‘You’re so close but you just...can’t, can you?’

Armie shook his head. ‘Maybe one day.’

‘And I’m just supposed to wait?’

‘No. No, Timmy, you’re supposed to go and be amazing, get great roles, win Oscars...you’re supposed to go, shine, shine, shine…’

‘And what about you, Armie?’

‘Don’t worry about me. I don’t matter.’

‘Armie...of course you fucking matter,’ Timmy almost screamed. ‘You are...the best person that I have ever known in my life.’ Armie shook his head. ‘If I told you how much you matter...you’d get completely freaked out.’

‘Why?’

‘Because...it’s complicated, but you matter, ok?’

‘I’m such a fucking coward.’

‘No…’

‘I am. Remember from the film? Is it better to speak or to die? I die. I die every time. You know it’s not, ‘is it better to speak or to die’, because you die either way. It’s, ‘is it better to speak and die now, quickly? Or to stay silent and die long, slow and unbearably painfully?’, that’s what it should be. I can’t...Timmy, I...dammit, I can’t.’

‘If you knew how much you were capable of loving me, you’d lose your damn mind,’ Timmy whispered, so softly he wasn’t sure Armie had heard. Timmy pulled the blazer to his nose and inhaled. ‘This smells like you,’ he said fondly.

Armie blushed. ‘I don’t think so.’

‘Yeah, very very much so. Your aftershave and shower gel. It’s...musky,’ he said, smiling, ‘tiny little bit of sweat but it’s not bad, not unpleasant. Just...you,’ he explained.

‘I...don’t know how it could smell like me,’ Armie said quietly, avoiding Timmy’s eyes.

‘Armie.’

‘Fine, I slept in it.’

‘You - what?’

‘Well not in it, it wouldn’t fit. Plus Liz was...obviously there. No, I put on a big t-shirt and then put the blazer underneath.’

‘Against your skin?’

‘Against my skin.’

Timmy smiled. ‘You must know how that seems.’

‘I know. I - I know, ok. I just can’t. But I know.’

He stepped across the room and hugged Armie tight. ‘Ok. I have to get ready now.’

‘Of course, of course.’ Armie walked slowly to the door. ‘When will I see you again?’

‘I don’t know. I’m shooting this thing in England, I guess.’ Timmy couldn’t give two shits about that movie. He was focused on getting home, somewhere that was familiar, that made sense. Then...he didn’t know. Wait for Armie?

‘I’m...I’m really sorry, Timmy. I’m so sorry.’

‘I know you are.’ A pause. ‘Call me. If you want. When I’m gone,’ Timmy said.

Armie opened the door and half glanced back at him, looking defeated. He sighed, nodded. There was nothing more that could be said.

They exchanged sad smiles and he left.

Timmy buried his face in the blazer and wept.

 

*******

 

‘By the way,’ Luca said through a mouthful of sushi, ‘I’m very happy to see you wearing that,’ he gestured to the blazer.

Timmy smiled. ‘I think my image is pretty much fucked after this morning. Brian's been on a plane...I'm sure I'll get an earful when he sees. But I don’t care anymore. ’

‘Hm. Good.’

They continued to eat in comfortable silence.

‘So. Are you going to tell me who you are?’ asked Luca.

‘What do you mean?’

Luca smiled fondly. ‘I have come to realise that you...you are not the Timmy I know.’

Timmy nearly choked on the inari he was chewing. He swallowed. ‘Um, what?’

‘This is unexpected and I told myself I was being ridiculous. But there are so many little tiny things, that have kept happening since we have been here in Austin...things you say, things you do...and then this morning, I was looking at your face in those photographs. I have never seen such an expression. You looked like you were testing something, bigger than yourself. The entire way that you are, it is...it is almost, almost the same. But not quite. Like a mirror image that has been a little altered, but not altered enough.’

Timmy laughed shakily. ‘I don’t know, Luca, maybe I’m just tired…’

‘Ah, please. You can tell me. I have already guessed too much, haven’t I? So you may as well tell me everything. Who are you, really, my friend?’

Timmy took a sip of water. ‘Ok, I know this sounds weird. But you’re right. I’m not the Timmy you know.’ Luca waited for him to continue. ‘When I woke up the other day, the morning after the awards...I wasn’t in my bed.’

‘We’ve all been there, tesoro.’

‘No, no...I don’t know how to explain this. I’m going to sound crazy - but I’m from another world, another reality.’

‘Ah, of course. Tell me about this - about your reality.’

‘Well it’s funny, a lot of stuff is the same except...Armie and I are married.’

Luca smiled. ‘Thank God you two got your shit together - even if it’s not here.’

‘You officiated the wedding, actually.’

‘No! Really? Ah, I wish to do the same here. How did you get together? In Crema, yes? When we were making the movie?’ Timmy nodded. ‘Ah, I knew it, I knew it. Oh, you, this, you...this is the parallel life.’ Luca grasped his hands eagerly. 

‘Huh?’

‘We didn’t put it in the movie, because in the book it comes later, when they’re older. But I know you read the book. Remember when they meet again, and when it is time to part, Elio refers to their lives without each other as a coma. And Oliver corrects him: not a coma, a parallel life. Timothée, I believe the life you have come from is a parallel life to this one that you now find yourself in. Oh, this is truly so remarkable.’

‘Doesn’t this shock you?’

‘I am Luca Guadagnino. Nothing shocks me.’

Timmy laughed. ‘I can’t believe you figured it out.’

‘You didn’t give enough shits, that’s what gave you away. You already seemed quite jaded. You reminded me of me, when the day before, you didn’t. And there is something different about you, physically. You carry all the signs of one who is in love and in a relationship. There is such difference, in how you move and speak. This body, it is not the same as the one I know. This body is the body of a man who is loved and knows he is loved. The body of a man who needs not do anything to seek out sex beyond extending a hand across his bed to the man beside him. Your body is soft, your body is comfortable. Your body knows it needs no longer to run - it has reached its destination.’

‘That’s all fucked now, though. I don’t know what I’m doing here. And I’m so worried about Armie - my Armie, I mean. He’s all alone.’

‘Oh, I don’t think so.’

‘How do you know?’

‘It seems like this was a switch. If you were plucked from your world and dropped here, the reverse must have happened to the Timmy that was here.'

Timmy breathed a sigh of relief. Then frowned. ‘So...someone else is probably...having the time of his life with my husband?’

‘Ah, come on. What would you do? If you spent all your time pining after a man you didn’t think could ever love you the way you needed, and then one day you woke up and suddenly this man was your husband?’

‘I’d...probably enjoy every minute of it,’ Timmy realised.

‘Then I imagine your Armie is quite alright.’

‘I miss him,’ he said softly. ‘He loves me...he loves me so much,’ he began to cry a little, ‘and he isn’t afraid to say it, or show it. I want to go back to him.’

‘I’m sure you do. But I’m sure you must be here for a reason. And in the meantime - why don’t you enjoy this career you have here? You love to act, yes? So enjoy it.’

‘I don’t give a fuck about the spoils. Acting is...yeah, I love it, and yeah, I wish I had some decent roles, but I don’t care how good my job is if I’m alone at the end of the day, if I don’t have Armie to go back to. I wouldn’t trade him and what we have for anything, not for all the awards in the world.’

‘Hm. Ok. So maybe your career isn’t the reason you’re here.’

‘Yeah, I agree. I think it’s Armie.’

‘You need to help him? Help him come to the same realisation that your Armie came to?’

‘Perhaps. I also...I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how our relationship came about. A lot of other stuff back there is different because of how it all unfolded. I don’t want to get into all of that. But...our relationship was not...well received. So the film wasn’t successful. We didn’t get a lot of awards or anything. I’m not famous. I barely have a career. Armie neither. Since being here, I’ve been worried that maybe if our careers hadn’t come crashing down, we wouldn’t have ever gotten together.’

‘You’re worried that you only got married because you had nothing but each other?’

‘Yeah. I know it sounds ridiculous. I know how much we love each other and I know how right it is. But the Armie that is here, he’s so aware of everything he has to lose, and he’s scared. My Armie was scared too, and he did lose everything but it wasn’t because he chose to. It was taken from him. The more I talk to Armie - here - the more I fear that...if he’d had a choice, we never would have gotten married.’

‘I am sorry about that. That it turned out so differently. People can be cruel. Now, I do not know your Armie. But my Armie...I believe he would choose you. And I believe one day he will. I think it is just going to take time. It sounds like you two did not have the luxury of time, in your life. But you must allow it. I know that my Timmy would not be so insistent, so convinced. My Timmy I think was already almost entirely resigned to the prospect of nothing. And therefore, Armie maybe was too. The speech has lit something within him. I can see it. And you’re not the only one I talk to. He and I have had some conversations here in Austin, too.’

‘What...what did he say?’

‘Now now. That is between Armie and me. And of course I will not tell him anything we discuss. But just know...there is hope. This is not a lost cause. This is just going to take time for everything to work itself out. It isn’t easy.’

Timmy sighed. ‘Do you think I’ll ever get back to my life?’

‘How should I know? All I know is that this is the life you now find yourself in, so you may as well get on with living it.’

 

*******

 

Timmy was almost done packing his things when there was a knock at the door. Armie again? He opened up, but it was Elizabeth.

‘Liz,’ he said. ‘Is everything ok?’

‘I just wanted to see you before we leave,’ she said, walking into his room.

‘Sorry it’s a mess in here,’ he said, quickly moving things around so that she could sit.

She laughed. ‘Believe me, Armie is worse,’ she told him, sitting on the couch by the window.

‘Water?’

‘I’ll take whiskey if you’ve got it.’

Timmy raised his eyebrows but didn’t question her. He handed her the little bottle and a glass. Liz emptied it and downed the whiskey in a few gulps.

She grimaced. ‘I hate it without ice.’

‘Oh.’ He didn’t know what to say. She ran her finger over the rim of the glass for a moment.

‘I wanted to see you before you left,’ she began, not looking at him. ‘I wanted to talk to you about the other night.’

‘The dinner?’

She shook her head. ‘The speech.’

Fuck. ‘Ok.’

She paused. ‘It was a really...kind, grand gesture,’ she said. ‘Very sweet. Really. I thought it was so sweet.’ She took another pause. ‘I haven’t stopped thinking about it, actually.’ Timmy didn’t know what to say to her. He waited for her to continue.

Liz stood up and walked to the window. She had her back to him. ‘Timmy, you said things about him that go beyond anything I’ve ever said about him,’ she finally said. She turned around and finally met his eyes, looking all at once defiant and defeated. ‘And I watched and to me, it was finally, unmistakably clear that...it wasn’t over, that it wasn’t a brief infatuation or character-blur. It’s well over a year after you met and you’re still so present in his life, in his mind. And then you went and said all that. It’s not over for you, for either of you is it? I don’t know how aware Armie is. But I am.’

He was stunned. She didn’t seem angry but he felt like he should say sorry. ‘Liz…’

‘You don’t need to apologise. It’s not like this is something you can control.’

‘What do you mean...it’s not over?’

She sighed. ‘Honey, I saw the video.’

Timmy’s heart started pounding in his chest. Fuck fuck fuck. He tried to play it cool. ‘Video?’

‘You know, from Crema. From shooting.’

His head was about to explode. So he and Armie _had_ been together in Crema. But...this Liz never leaked the video, it seems. He figured they’d - or Armie - had decided to call it off and that was that. He had that awful feeling again, the one from yesterday - if they’d never been outed and their reputations destroyed, would they ever have come together? This seemed to be the proof...that Armie had only turned to him and become his completely and fully when he’d lost absolutely everything else. At the same time he knew this was ridiculous, he knew that Armie was so deeply, stupidly, wonderfully in love with him, he KNEW how it had felt back then: they couldn’t possibly be apart, they started something that had no end and they were each other’s, in every way. But this feeling, this ‘but what if…’ kept threatening his resolve.

‘I’d never planned on bringing it up with you. I stumbled on it by accident,’ she told him, taking out her phone. ‘I have it somewhere.’

Timmy didn’t want to see that video again. It had consumed and changed enough of his life. ‘You never...you never thought about leaking it or anything?’ he tried to ask casually.

‘Oh my god, no. It’s clearly very private,’ she said. ‘I would never.’

Timmy wished this Liz existed in his reality. ‘Thank you.’

She handed him the phone. ‘I watched it again the other night, after Armie was asleep,’ she told him. Timmy hesitantly pressed play, bracing himself for the all-too-familiar scene.

But this wasn’t it.

_‘I’m just so out of my depth here, Timmy. This scene is gonna be super physical, and I’m not...I’ve never...’_

_‘It’s ok, it’s ok...I can help you, Luca will help. He and I both kinda know how it’s supposed to go,’ Timmy said._

_‘Right, of course…that’ll be...useful, I guess.’_

_‘I guess, yeah.’_

_‘Do you understand these...these kinks? Some of them I just don’t get. I don’t wanna ask Luca in case it makes me look stupid.’_

_‘You’re not stupid. Which kinks?’_

_Armie sighed. ‘Why...why does he ask Elio to call him by his name? I know it’s literally the fucking title...I’m so stupid,’ Armie sighed._

_‘You’re not stupid, Armie. It’s a weird thing to get your head around.’_

_‘It’s not a...like, a gay thing?’_

_‘No, it’s not a gay thing. It’s a...I mean it’s so wrapped in layers of literary and philosophical meanings. I mean, it’s something that to the audience, maybe they’re not gonna fully get all those meanings. But when Oliver says it to Elio, when he asks him to call him by his name, he knows Elio is gonna think of Alexander and Hephaestion, and that it will wreck him. Oliver thought that story, that kind of intimacy, was the stuff of legends. That it could never actually exist. By saying this to Elio, he’s saying, I just discovered that this exists and it’s you, it’s me, it’s us. In you I’ve found myself - in you I’ve found a catalyst that has allowed me to become who I am, and I know you’ve found the same in me; we are secret conduits of each other, of ourselves, and I did not think this existed outside the pages of old books from Greece and Rome. You are more me than I’ve ever been, and I more you. So please, please, call me by your goddamn name,’ Timmy said all in a rush._

_They were standing incredibly close together. Timmy continued. ‘So you need to carry all of that into the line when you say it, because that’s what Oliver is doing. And me and Elio will know precisely what you mean when you say, call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine. And then, therefore, the audience will know what you mean too; they’ll feel it too. They won’t really be able to describe why, they will just know in their bones that it makes total sense. They’ll just know.’_

_Armie’s head was tilted slightly. His mouth ghosted over Timmy’s, not touching his lips, but it was obvious how much he wanted to. Armie’s head came to rest on Timmy’s shoulder. ‘I wonder if I’ll ever find that,’ Armie said quietly._

_‘Aren’t you - aren’t you married?’_

_‘Yeah.’_

_Silence. Armie lifted his head up and looked at Timmy. Their faces were almost touching and they breathed heavily. Timmy was being so still - probably not wanting to make any moves, knowing this was a married man. Armie’s hand did the same thing it had done the other night - kind of reached towards Timmy’s face but withdrawing too soon._

_The silence, them sitting, lasted for a long time. Eventually Armie coughed. ‘So, um, could we maybe like, just figure out the basic movement pattern? Like, start to block it?’_

_‘I think Luca should block it,’ Timmy said carefully._

_‘Yeah you’re right. I just - I just don’t wanna show up totally clueless.’_

_‘Yeah I get it.’_

_‘Even if we just throw it all out, I just wanna know...how it would be,’ he said, sounding desperate. ‘Please, Timmy, help me understand this.’_

_Timmy paused. ‘Ok, ok I’ll help you.’ He moved back on the bed. ‘If you get uncomfortable just say, we can stop.’_

_‘Yeah, for sure. Same goes for you,’ Armie said. ‘So…’_

_‘So I think I’d be here and maybe you...kneel over me.’_

_Armie knelt, his legs either side of Timmy. ‘Isn’t there a bunch of foreplay, and kissing?’_

_‘Yeah but I feel like we don’t need to go over that...it’s just kissing, right? You’ve done that before,’ Timmy said._

_‘Yeah, you’re right. It’s...not necessary,’ said Armie._

_‘So you - Oliver - end up taking your own shirt off because Elio is just kinda overwhelmed, I think,’ Timmy said, ‘and I lay back, just looking at you…’ Armie took off his shirt. ‘Oh you don’t need to actually take it off right now…’_

_‘Shit, sorry,’ Armie said, looking around for his shirt but it was on the floor._

_‘It’s ok, it’s off now. And then - you don’t have to - but you take your belt off, and your shorts. I think there’ll be a cock sock or something maybe so that you’re not actually...yeah.’_

_‘What about you?’_

_‘Huh?’_

_‘How do your clothes come off?’_

_‘Oh...uh...I hadn’t thought about me. I was only thinking of you,’ Timmy confessed._

_Armie smiled. ‘Ok.’ They paused, Armie still kneeling over him. ‘I feel like I...Oliver...would just wanna, you know…’ he moved his body down, his face right over Timmy’s. He was still wearing the Star of David around his neck, which swung forwards, gently bumping Timmy’s chin. Their lips were less than an inch apart. They both stared, into each others eyes, to each others lips, back to their eyes, back to their lips. It was a long moment. ‘We would kiss here, right?’ He asked softly._

_‘Yeah, that feels right,’ Timmy whispered._

_‘Yeah I think so too.’ They stayed like that for a moment. ‘Hang on, my legs are cramping,’ Armie murmured, moving so that he was half laying on top of Timmy and half his weight on the bed. ‘I don’t wanna crush you,’ he breathed, making them both smile._

_One hand was on Timmy’s waist, his head on Timmy’s chest. He moved one leg over Timmy’s body, gently pulling him round, closer to him. They were so close together._

_A long moment._

_‘Where do we go from here?’ Armie asked._

_‘I...I don’t know. I don’t think this is how it goes in the script,’ Timmy whispered._

_‘Sorry, I don’t know what I’m doing...I deviated.’_

_‘It’s ok.’_

_‘Do they even need to...never mind.’_

_‘What?’_

_‘Nothing.’_

_‘No, tell me what you started to say.’_

_Armie paused. ‘Uh, I was wondering...do they even need to have sex? This, here, this feels so intimate already, you know? That’s what...that’s what I was thinking.’ Armie’s trembling hand moved slowly across Timmy’s back, gently pulling him closer to his body. Their noses were brushing together, faces almost touching. Their breathing was soft and nervous. ‘I’m sorry, I ate a lot of garlic with lunch,’ Armie said quickly._

_‘Don’t be embarrassed,’ Timmy reassured him._

_Another moment of silence. Their breathing sped up. Armie’s leg pulled Timmy even closer. Timmy’s fingernails dug into his chest._

_‘They - they do need to fuck,’ Timmy said, his breath shuddering._

_‘Mm hm,’ Armie said._

_They stayed in position, each daring the other to break it, to do it._

_Timmy moved his head down, brushing his lips right over Armie’s, and resting his head in the crook of Armie’s neck. Armie buried his face in Timmy’s hair, and rolled onto his back, letting Timmy now rest on top of him._

_Timmy’s hips were twitching, one leg tremoring a little. ‘Oh...ohhh no…’ he moaned softly. Armie’s hand moved up Timmy’s thigh, his thumb on the inside of it, coming close to his crotch, almost touching him - then Timmy let out a strangled little moan, and suddenly jumped up, off of him._

_He grabbed his jacket and held it over his crotch. ‘I’m sorry,’ he muttered._

_‘Hey, it’s ok, don’t worry about it.’_

_‘I - I should go. I’m sorry. Just - just forget this,’ he said as he rushed out._

_Armie was left alone on the bed, propped up on his elbows. He stared after Timmy. A couple of tears fell. He grabbed a pillow and clutched it tight, breathing heavily, trying to keep his crying under control. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck…’ he muttered through the tears._

The video cut out.

Timmy, completely numb, handed Liz her phone back.

‘I...wow,’ he murmured.

‘I know,’ she said sadly.

‘Liz, I’m sorry.’

She shook her head. ‘I’m not mad about it. How can I? It’s only love.’ A tear rolled down her cheek. Timmy tentatively took her hand. She squeezed it. ‘I see you two and...and it’s like what he and I had wasn’t truly ‘it’, you know? Like, we both figured this was as good as it would get...but then he met you and he found something he didn’t think really existed. I just…’ she let out a little sob, ‘I just keep thinking, for the last year, where’s my version of this? Where’s my Timmy, where’s my epic, true, deep, crazy love? Because I can’t pretend anymore...it isn’t Armie. It never was.’

‘Oh, Liz…’

‘He smashed a window for you, sweetheart,’ she said softly.

Timmy didn’t know what to say. ‘You saved me.’

‘I took the door. I always take the door. I want to find someone who I’d break glass for, too. It’s not him, I know that now,’ she said. She gently slid her hand out of Timmy’s.

‘So...what now?’

‘Well, we’re going home. And you’re going to Europe.’

‘I mean, what do you wanna do about...all this?’

‘Timmy, Armie and I are a family. We have kids and we’ll always be their parents. No matter what, we have stay together for them. I know that’s not what you want to hear. But it is the right thing to do. Maybe one day when you have kids, you’ll understand.’

‘Liz…’

‘I won’t be alone,’ she said defiantly. ‘I won’t be the sympathetic woman who has ‘single mom’ tacked onto the end of all her accomplishments. I won’t raise my kids without their father. They’ll never see their parents as anything other than total equals. They won’t become tools for us to use, for money or time or to get back at each other. They will never have to choose between us. There will never be two houses, two birthdays, two christmases. I’m not living that life.’

‘That’s not how it has to be,’ Timmy began, but he had nowhere to go with that - their dynamic and setup in his world wasn’t exactly aspirational.

‘I love you, Timmy. And I’m not mad that my husband is in love with you. But it can never, ever happen. It just can’t.’ Timmy started to cry. She handed him a tissue. ‘Come on. It’ll be ok. I don’t think it’ll pass. But - and I know this isn’t comforting - but you’ll learn to live with it.’

‘How do you know?’

‘Because I have.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it!!
> 
> please comment below anything you like! I've been so happy and overwhelmed by the responses to this story. thank you to everyone who has shared their thoughts and love so far, it means so much <3 
> 
> I will get the next chapter up sooner hopefully!! xoxo


	4. chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate to start out with an apology again but work has NOT let up. I have like 5 projects right now. I'm very sorry to have kept you waiting, please forgive me.
> 
> I'm so SO overwhelmed by how much you are responding to this. thank you thank you for reading and commenting. 
> 
> So because of how the plot is playing out, I wanted to split things in two - so there will be another chapter coming in the next couple days. Just because too much stuff happens, I couldn't post it all at once or it might be too much to take in and process!
> 
> note -- when Timmy is talking with his Dad, they're of course talking in French, just same as before, I wrote in English because that's easier for you reading (and me writing because my French is far from perfect!) 
> 
> ENJOY <3

_**'He’d step into my room after everyone had gone to bed, slip under my covers, undress me without asking, and after making me want him more than I thought I could ever want another living soul, gently, softly, and, with the kindness one Jew extends to another, work his way into my body, gently and softly, after heeding the words I’d been rehearsing for days now, Please, don’t hurt me, which meant, Hurt me all you want.'** _

_\- André Aciman, Call Me By Your Name_

 

Timmy had tried to take the subway from JFK, but after probably a dozen girls ran up to talk to him just on the air train alone, he got an uber to meet him at Jamaica. He stood in the cold air as he waited for the car, breathing New York in and finally, finally feeling calm in this crazy world. The smell and noise wasn’t pleasant but it was home. It was familiar, and it seemed to ground him.

The driver luckily barely talked to him. He couldn’t get over the fact he had fans - and so many. Back in his world, he’d maybe get the occasional person approach him quietly in the grocery store or at a coffee shop - usually a young queer person or sometimes a film student who’d watched Call Me By Your Name for a class - and they would tell him how much it had meant to them, how much it had maybe even changed them or helped them. These interactions were so few and far between that Timmy was always happy to spend a few minutes talking to them. They weren’t giggling and hyperventilating and they never tried to touch him - and those that did clearly harbour a crush kept it perfectly respectful. The conversations were just...normal. And he knew that if they were willing to approach him, knowing everything that had happened, then they must like him for _him_. But this - the way it was on the train, the way it was yesterday in Austin - Timmy couldn’t handle it. The screaming and jostling to be near him and the sheer number of them overwhelmed him.

Was this how it had to be for him, now? Could he never just walk down the street or ride the subway or grab lunch or do anything without this happening? A huge part of his life had just been suddenly snatched away from him, without warning, never to be given back. And that didn’t even include Armie. Fuck, this was so unfair. He thought of the Timmy that lived here. He’d probably had to adapt to it. Maybe he was better at handling all the attention. He himself, however, planned to spend time indoors and keep away. It was nice, he acknowledged, that they enjoyed the film so much and seemed to care about him. But honestly, he couldn’t bring himself to care about that when he didn’t have the person who truly knew him, truly loved him - his Armie.

*******

The car pulled up outside his parents’ apartment building - his childhood home. He couldn’t get inside quickly enough, thanking the driver and walking swiftly inside, tugging his cap down over his eyes. As he stepped out the elevator, he felt his phone buzz. Armie had texted him. Timmy gasped and opened it quickly, waiting in the hallway before knocking on his parents hallway. It was a short video message. Harper’s face appeared, beaming at the camera.

‘Timmy! TIMMY! You didn’t see me in Austin! I had stuff to show you, Timmyyy,’ she scolded him. His heart suddenly ached. He hadn’t seen Harper or Ford in weeks and felt mad at himself for not taking advantage of the fact that here, he would have been able to see them, play with them and cuddle them as much as he wanted. ‘I drew this of you.’ She held up a crayon drawing of Timmy. His hair was wild and he was holding a big orange cup with brown squiggly letters. ‘Because you’re always drinking coffee and Daddy said that Mud coffee is your very most favourite. He told me how to draw it. Also, Timmy, I know your hair is very long here. But I think you should make it look like that in real life. I think it would be very pretty, do you think so too, Daddy?’ her face turned away from the camera.

Timmy’s heart skipped a beat as Armie’s face came into frame. He smiled. ‘Yes sweetie, I think it would be. Very pretty.’ Armie looked into the camera meaningfully as Harper ran off.

‘She missed you. Well, we missed you. Sent this instead of calling, I didn’t know if you were still on the plane. Liz had to go to San Antonio, stuff with the bakery. I’m back home with the kids.’ He paused. ‘I wish you were here with us. I - I kinda hate how we left things, Timmy. I’m sorry. I know you need some space. I get it. I just hate it. But please, I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m really fucking sorry that everything has worked out this way. I want you to know that you can contact me when you want...I’m putting the ball in your court, I don’t want to push you, I…’ he paused, pinching the bridge of his nose for a second. He sniffed. Timmy knew this was Armie’s way of stopping himself from crying.

‘This is new. I never dreamed our - that we would end up needing space. So I won’t annoy you with texts or calls - you can reach out when you want to. Is that the best way to go about this? Tell me if it’s not, I don’t want you to think that I don’t care, that I’m not thinking about you - I just don’t wanna hurt you, if me and my words will hurt you, then -’ The sound of Harper screaming somewhere in another room. Armie sighed, getting up. ‘I gotta go deal with that. Lemme know when you get this...I hope you’re ok, Timmy.’

The video ended. Timmy quickly shot back a couple of texts.

_I’m about to walk into my parents’ place but I’ll get back to you properly later_

_Tell Harper I’m sorry I didn’t get to see her_

He typed out a third message, debating it - then pressed send before he could change his mind.

_Also - hurt me all you want._

He put his phone on airplane mode and knocked at the door. His Mom opened it and smiled. Timmy took one look at her and burst into tears. She immediately hugged him. ‘Oh sweetheart, what’s wrong?’

‘I’m just tired,’ he said feebly, trying to stop crying.

‘Timmy…’ she soothed him, not buying it but not going to push it right now.

‘It’s really good to see you, Mom, really, you don’t know how good,’ he sobbed as he held onto her tightly.

*******

‘Do you wanna go out for dinner, or stay in?’

‘Stay in,’ Timmy answered his Mom quickly. ‘Fans.’

She nodded. ‘It’ll be nicer to stay here anyway. We can catch up properly.’

‘Do you want to order? Or cook?’ She raised her eyebrows. ‘Or I can cook,’ he said quickly. His Mom laughed.

‘I think your father and I will want something a little more substantial than breakfast foods,’ she said. Timmy smiled sheepishly. She ruffled his hair. ‘Your dad’s in SoHo, at a meeting - I could text him, ask him to pick up some takeout from Veselka on the way home?’ 

‘Oh man, I haven’t been there in forever…’ he moaned. It was true, it had been months since his last visit to New York.

His Mom laughed. ‘Ok, I’ll text him. I thought you might want your favourite pasta dish that I make, I got the ingredients. But I can make it tomorrow.’

‘Your - penne and broccoli?’ Timmy asked, suddenly torn.

His Mom looked at his worried, indecisive face and sighed, smiling. ‘Oh, Timmy.’

‘What?’

‘I’ll tell your Dad to get pierogies _and_ I’ll make the pasta,’ she told him.

‘Oh my god, Mom you don’t have to do that, it’s so much trouble,’ he assured her.

 ‘I want to, baby, it’s ok,’ she kissed the top of his head.

‘You spoil me.’

‘I know.’ They both laughed. ‘So. Tell me what’s wrong. I know you’re not just tired.’

 Timmy thought about it. He couldn’t tell her - at least not everything. ‘It’s just...been a crazy few days.’

 ‘More like a crazy year, honey.’

He nodded, remembering things were different here. ‘Right, right.’

They didn’t say anything for a moment. ‘Are you feeling sad that all the Call Me By Your Name stuff is over, now? Kind of the end of an era, huh?’

‘Yeah. It was pretty bittersweet in Austin.’ That was true, at least. ‘And I have a lot going on now, I think.’

‘I know. I’m glad you came here before you left for England, that means a lot.’

‘Of course, Mom.’

‘You know, honey,’ she began, looking at him carefully. ‘I’m no expert in these things, of course. But I don’t know if you’re ever gonna have an experience like that again. That sort of filming experience, that kind of story, and Luca. And - Armie.’ His eyes began to water a little. ‘Don’t go looking for that with what you do next.’

‘Nothing like that will ever happen again,’ Timmy said quietly.

‘They’ll be special in their own ways, though.’

‘Everything will be...grey. Grey in comparison.’

‘I know it feels like that right now but you’ll see that’s not true. This is just what it feels like when something has ended. It won’t be grey for long, honey.’ _How do I get over my husband_ , thought Timmy. ‘I saw what you said, in your speech. It was very kind.’

‘Well, it was important,’ he murmured.

His Mom gently wiped away a tear from his cheek. ‘He’s important to you, isn’t he?’ Timmy nodded. ‘It’s special, what you two have. You should take care of it, not a lot of people find someone they can be so close with and have...so much understanding.’

Timmy let out a sob. He buried his face in the couch as his mother gently massaged his skull. ‘I love him, Mom,’ he said in a tiny, muffled voice.

‘I know, sweetheart.’

‘I love him so much.’ He rolled over, tears falling sideways over the bridge of his nose into the cushion. ‘I love him so much and it hurts, it really hurts.’

‘Oh, Timmy.’

‘I just want to be with him. This isn’t just - you know, casual feelings or wanting to just sleep with him. This is...this is it. This is _it_. It’s the real thing.’

‘It might be, but he is married -’

‘They don’t love each other. 

‘- and he has kids.’

‘Liz _literally told_ _me_ that she doesn’t love Armie like I love him.’

‘You - you told her?’

‘No, she guessed. From the speech. She said she doesn’t love him like I do and she knows he loves me. And he does, Mom, I know he does. But she says that family is more important and I have to accept that. That I just have to live with it.’

‘Well…’ 

‘Don’t say I just have to live with it. Mom, please. Don’t say I have to live with this feeling.’

‘Has Armie told you he loves you?’

Timmy blinked, releasing tears. ‘He almost did. A few times.’

 ‘Oh honey, if he hasn’t said it…’

‘No, you don’t understand, he’s so scared. He’s terrified of saying it. He knows it would change everything and cause so much fallout...you know, his family, his career, it’s all on the line.’

‘I get that, but if he hasn’t said it then he doesn’t actually -’

 ‘No, Mom. You don’t understand, you can’t understand, you’re straight - this is an obstacle you could never understand.’

 ‘First of all, don’t yell at me.’

 ‘I’m not!’ he shouted, then sighed, lowered his voice. ‘I’m sorry.’

 ‘Second, you have no idea what you’re talking about.’ She paused. ‘You don’t know about who I - the people I have loved in my life. So please, don’t tell me that I don’t understand.’

 Timmy was stunned. ‘I’m sorry, Mom.’

‘I don’t know all the ins and outs of this. But I had an Armie too. Her name was Jocelyn.’

‘Mom...I had no idea.’

 ‘I know.’

 ‘Do you...regret it?’

 ‘No. She had all her reasons why she couldn’t, and I had a few too, and it broke my heart. But I got over it because you can get over anything, my darling, with enough time. And I met your father and we fell in love and had two children, and I would not change anything. I love your dad a lot. I don’t know what would have happened with Joss. But I don’t care. I know it wouldn’t be the life I have now.’

 ‘Do you ever think about her? Do you ever wonder, what if?’

 ‘Fleetingly, maybe...if I hear our song or something. As for what if...perhaps I’d be happy, but I’m happy here, too. I don’t need to regret any of it. If I were unhappy, maybe I’d regret it. But I’m not unhappy.’ She took Timmy’s face in her hands. ‘If I hadn’t walked away from her, you would not exist. That’s more important than anything.’ She kissed the top of his head. ‘I know it’s hard, but some things are simply not worth it, Timmy.’

 ‘I...I think he is worth it, though.’

 His Mom nodded. ‘If you seriously mean that, then you must pursue this with everything you have. Until you exhaust the option entirely. And when that happens, you have to walk away, my love.’

‘I know we can figure it out...I can’t even describe how much faith I have in him.’ She smiled at him. ‘I love him so much. I know, I _know_ he loves me. I think he needs some time to get used to the idea, to stop being so fearful of it. The timing of it and the way circumstances are is just throwing me off, I’m not sure how to navigate it,’ he said honestly. That was true - he felt totally uncertain of the best way to proceed. On the one hand, the decision was entirely theirs - but that made way for indecision and doubt, too. There had been no opportunity for that in his world.

‘And Liz knows and she...isn’t mad?’

‘Nope. She’s sad, she sees how it is between him and me and she doesn’t think she’s ever gonna have that for herself, with someone else. She knows Armie isn’t it. But she doesn’t want to be alone. Which I understand, I’m not mad at her. I couldn’t imagine being where she is.’

 ‘Hmm,’ his Mom said thoughtfully. ‘Maybe Liz would feel differently if she had someone to love, too. If she knew she wouldn’t be alone.’

 ‘So you’re saying…’

‘She will find it easier to walk away from her marriage if she knows that someone’s arms are outstretched, waiting for her to walk into. If she has a good enough reason, she won’t even _want_ to stay.’

‘Ohhh. Of course.’

 ‘So you should give Armie some time. But you should also give Liz a reason to let him go.’

*******

After dinner, Timmy was laying on the couch, half-watching The Office. He held his phone, finger hovering over the airplane symbol, deciding if he wanted to see if Armie had responded. Then his Dad walked in.

‘Hé, Papa.’

‘Hé, chou.’ His Dad sat down and they watched together for a few minutes. ‘So. You’re in love.’

Timmy rolled his eyes. ‘Mama told you everything?’

 ‘No. You’re my son. I know when you’re in love. It was all over your face at dinner,’ he smiled at his son. ‘So. Who is she?’

 Timmy bit his lip. He had to come out to his Dad all over again, great...not that it went badly, it just wasn’t exactly his favourite thing he’d ever done. He sat up, hoping there wouldn’t be some crazy twist of homophobia in this version of events. 

‘Well, it’s a man.’

 His father nodded.

 ‘Because I like men.’

‘Ah. I’m sorry that I assumed. I didn’t mean to make it difficult for you to tell me.’ So far so good. ‘I’m proud of you for telling me. I know it can’t have been easy to have had this realisation and carry it around with you, a secret, for so long. I’m sorry for that. I love you very, very much. Always, Timothée.’

Timmy smiled. ‘Thanks, Papa.’

‘Do I know him? This man you love?’

‘Yeah. It’s, uh, it’s Armie.’

His father laughed. ‘So the internet is right. 

‘Huh?' 

‘The internet is very convinced that you two are in love.’

‘People - talk about that?’

‘Of course.' 

‘You follow that gossip?’

‘I set up a google alert for you a long time ago. Occasionally I read some of the stuff. I didn’t think it was true - I thought you would tell me - but I admit, some of the theories are very convincing.’

Another thing to deal with, Timmy realised. He made a mental note to do some digging online - their lives and love had probably played out a lot more publicly here, he figured.

‘I won’t pry where you don’t want me to - but he is older, and has a very different life setup. Be careful that you don’t get hurt,’ he told Timmy.

‘I’ve already been hurt by it, to be honest.’ _Hurt me all you want_ , Timmy recalled the text.

 ‘Ah.’ His father paused. ‘Did he know this about himself before he met you?’

Timmy of course didn’t know for sure, so he answered based on his Armie. ‘He...had always had a curiosity, that he knew from a young age wasn’t compatible with the boxes he was made to live in. And he knew he liked women too, so he knew he wouldn’t have to fake it; he figured he would be able to live his life easily, with that part of himself forever locked away. He shut it down, he didn’t let himself think about it. He thought it would be totally simple.’

‘But then he met you.’

 ‘Yeah, pretty much. And...well, I still think he’d be in a tough position if I was a woman, if he had these feelings about a girl - it’s just the fact that I’m not, that makes it even harder.’

‘Yes, absolutely.’

 ‘I...I think if I wasn’t a man, he would have acted on it.’

‘So...nothing has happened?’

Timmy sighed. ‘Nothing has happened and everything has happened,’ he said dramatically.

‘Oh, listen to you,’ his father said, amused.

‘He’s scared shitless, Papa. The conversations we have...they’re so _full_. Like any moment it will all overflow and spill everywhere. He’s desperately holding on, trying to stop that from happening. But...I feel like I keep pushing and he’s so, so close to giving in. There are just too many expectations holding him back.’

‘He has a lot to lose, chérie.’

 ‘I know, he would be giving up one love for another.’

‘His family?’

‘No, his career. His love for acting.’

‘I don’t see why he has to give that up.’

 ‘Because...Hollywood wouldn’t be cool with this. Brian controls what I do, what I wear; he scolded me for my speech I made about Armie and he wants to set up a fake relationship with some girl - it’s all so that I look straight so that I get roles and get awards and it’s all such _crap_ , Papa, I hate it.’

‘There must be a way that this could be handled…’

‘I don’t know what that would be. Even if such a way exists, the people in charge of handling it wouldn’t do it. Our agents. If our careers take a hit, their paychecks do too. I know they care but...they have a pretty significant financial interest in us staying in the closet.' 

‘So you have to get new agents.’

‘What?' 

‘If they will not support you being who you are, they cannot represent you. I for one won’t allow it,’ his father told him firmly.

‘I don’t know...that’s a big step.’

His father sighed and stood up. ‘Look, it’s late. I know you’re exhausted. Take a break for a few days, don’t think about career stuff. Just chill for a little bit. Let’s pause this conversation and revisit this. I will help you, I promise.’

He began to walk out. Timmy jumped up and darted across the room to give his Dad a big hug. 

‘Thank you, Papa. For everything, really.’

‘Anytime, Timothée. Bon nuit.’

*******

Timmy, freshly showered, sat up in bed, his finger hovering over the airplane icon on his phone. He took a deep breath and tapped it quickly, then curled up anxiously as his phone went crazy for a moment. He wondered if he’d ever get used to this. When it stopped, he went to his messages to see if Armie had responded. 

_Of course. Have a nice evening. Tell them I say hi_

_Timmy - I know I’ve already hurt you. But I never wanted to. I don’t know if it’s possible, but I don’t ever want to hurt you again._

 Timmy immediately called him. Armie picked up after the first ring.

‘Timmy?’

‘Hey.’ 

‘Hey, oh my god, I didn’t think you’d call. It’s so good to hear your voice.’

‘It’s really good to hear yours too,’ Timmy had to bite his lip hard to stop himself from finishing the sentence with ‘babe’. This felt almost like normal - like when he visited his parents and called his husband to say goodnight. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t see the kids.’

‘It’s ok.’

‘That picture was sweet. Can you hold onto it? I’ll get it from you next time I see you.’

 ‘Yeah, yeah of course. Also you...don’t need to actually grow your hair like how she drew it,’ Armie trailed off.

 Timmy laughed. ‘I don’t know, I think it looked pretty great. Maybe I will.’

‘Are they cutting it for The King?’

 ‘Jesus, I hope not,’ Timmy said, clutching his long hair protectively. ‘I hadn’t even thought about that.’

 ‘Facetime me if they do, I wanna see,’ Armie said.

Timmy smiled. ‘You miss me with short hair?’

‘I just miss you, period.’

‘I miss you too, Armie.’

There was a pause.

‘Timmy, why did you text me that line from the book? Hurt me all you want, I mean.’

‘I just...to ask you not to hurt me is an impossible task at this point. Everything hurts, Armie. Everything that you give me, every word, every look, every touch. But I wouldn’t trade it for nothingness, or for silence. Hurt me all you want because otherwise I’ll only know some kind of bleak, dull, grey numbness. Hurt me all you want because I don’t want you to keep yourself locked away and hidden anymore. Hurt me all you want because...after the initial pain comes the best pleasure.’

‘What if I never give you the pleasure? What if I just keep hurting you over and over and we never get to the good part?’

‘We will. We will. We _will_ , Armie. I believe in you. So much. Hurt me all you want because right now, that’s what’s real, and I want real. I want to feel whatever this is right now because this is what you’re giving me and I will take anything from you, Armie, as long as I know you’re trying.’

‘Timmy….’

‘Hurt. Me. All. You. _Want_.’

‘I hate myself for hurting you! I hated seeing you look so broken yesterday. Timmy, ever since we met all I’ve done is hurt you, all I’ve done is let you down. I’ve failed you so much. I’ve done the wrong thing and there were times that I did nothing at all when I should have done so much. Thinking about the whole thing, it could have been so different. I did Crema all wrong. And now I’ve truly fucked you up so much that you’re here begging me to hurt you because it’s all you know, because you think if I hurt you badly enough that suddenly it will all change and become good. Timmy, that isn’t how things should be. This isn’t how I ever wanted this to go, _fuck_...’

‘How did you want it to go?’

‘I wish…’ Armie paused, then confessed quietly, ‘I wish I hadn’t waited until you stopped dancing.’

‘ _Armie_ …’ Timmy whispered softly.

‘Wish I hadn’t looked away. I wish that...I’d done the right thing. I did the wrong thing and I’ve kept doing the wrong thing ever since. Or just...doing nothing, even.’

So it had been the same night. Just one small difference - that meant absolutely everything else was fundamentally altered. Timmy felt a little hopeful. It wasn’t that they’d never been outed here - it’s that there was nothing to out. Nothing had happened here. They hadn’t even kissed. He smiled, trying and failing to fight off a yawn.

‘Sorry,’ he said sleepily.

Armie laughed. ‘I forget it’s later there.’

‘What you said...it’s ok. Everything happens for a reason. And...don’t beat yourself up. And...I know I said hurt me all you want. Don’t forget the last part. If you don’t want to...you know what to do. There’s no rush. But you know the solution, right?’

‘Yeah.'

‘Ok. I believe in you.'

‘You shouldn’t.’

‘I’ll always believe in you. But remember, please - this isn’t about me. This is about you doing what you need to do for yourself, Armie.’

‘I don’t deserve you.’

‘You do...you do...you do…’ Timmy mumbled sleepily.

‘Ok, T, it sounds like you need to go to bed now.’

‘Don’t hang up. Don’t. Stay here with me.’

‘Ok. Ok, I’m here.’

Timmy put his phone on speaker and drifted off to sleep, Armie’s soft breathing washing over him. He grabbed a spare pillow and draped his leg over it. He’d pretend until it was the real thing.

*******

He spent the entire next three days inside, curled under a blanket on the couch with Netflix. He postmated every meal, unable to find the energy to walk into the kitchen and cook. His parents were both at work all day, so he was alone.

He checked his phone every other minute.

Nothing from Armie.

The first day, it confused him.

By the end of the second day, he was on the verge of tears at having not heard from him. He hadn't gone a day without speaking to Armie since...well, since they met. His heart ached at the realisation.

The third day, his Mom got back around six pm. Timmy was sitting on the floor against the back of the couch, just staring at his phone, tears silently pouring down his cheeks. She gave him a sympathetic look. ‘Oh honey.’

‘What?’

‘You stayed inside all day again?’

‘Uh huh.’

‘That’s not like you. Why don’t you text some of your friends and see if they want to hang out?’

Timmy shrugged. That prospect didn’t really appeal much to him; most of those people had actively drifted away from him back in his world. It would feel weird to hang out with them, knowing that if things were slightly different they’d turn their backs in a heartbeat. ‘Not in the mood to see anyone.’

‘Ok…’ his Mom said carefully, obviously seeing how down he was and not wanting to push it. ‘Why don’t we go out for dinner?’ Timmy groaned, burying his head in the cushions. ‘Come on. It’ll be good for you to get out of the apartment, honey. Get some fresh air?’

‘Fresh air means _fans_ ,’ he grumbled.

‘You’re not usually all that bothered by them,’ she said, frowning a little. ‘You’re always nice.’

‘I...just am really not in the mood,’ he said unconvincingly.

‘Right. Timmy. Go take a shower and put some clothes on. We are going out.’

‘ _Moooommmm_ …’

‘Come on. I’ll call ahead and make sure they put us somewhere private, ok? You can’t stay inside for 72 hours solid.’

‘I can.’

‘ _Timothée_.’

‘Fine!’ He flounced into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Before he stepped in, he grabbed his phone, and angrily texted Armie.

_Why aren’t you fucking talking to me?_

He tossed it aside and then stood in the shower, for a long time, staring numbly straight ahead, until the water ran cold and he yelped in surprise.

As he got out and grabbed a towel, he checked his phone. Nothing. He let out an angry snarl as he dried himself off.

He joined his Mom in the kitchen when he was dressed and ready to leave. She was reading a newspaper and drinking fresh mint tea. Timmy knew she liked it with a squeeze of lemon, so he cut one up and placed a wedge beside her cup.

‘I’m sorry, Mom. Sorry I was rude before.’ He gave her a hug. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tight.

‘It’s ok. I know you didn’t mean it and you’re dealing with a lot.’

‘No, Mom, no - that doesn’t make it ok. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, you didn’t deserve it. You’ve done all the right things...and I haven’t seen you in forever and now I’m just moping around and being moody.’

‘Honey, we were just with you in LA.’

Right, fuck, right. ‘Yeah I meant I haven’t been home in forever,’ he tried to correct himself.

‘Look, when I decided to have kids, I was signing up to dealing with your moody adolescent phases. It’s ok. But thank you for apologising. Let’s try and have a nice few days, yeah?’

‘Yeah. Yeah, I’m gonna try harder.’

‘Has something happened with Armie?’

‘...Why?’

‘I was just wondering.’

‘I mean we talked the other night but then he’s not said anything since and I don’t know why and it’s kind of driving me insane because I keep thinking maybe I said something wrong but it seemed fine how we left things so I don’t even know what’s going on, Mom...and Liz wasn’t home so he could have talked to me as openly as he wanted but he just says nothing? At all? Three days, Mom, it's been three entire days.’ Timmy said all in a rush.

‘I’m sure he’s trying. But all I can say is, as you know, this is a really complicated situation.’

‘Yeah.’ Timmy absently checked his phone again. Still nothing. He sighed.

His Mom gently took it from him. ‘Let’s go right now and leave your phone at home. We can have a drink at the bar while we wait for your Dad to meet us there. Ok?’

He actually felt so much relief as he watched his Mom put his phone in the kitchen cupboard. ‘Yeah. Yeah, let’s go.’

*******

After that night, Timmy checked his phone each morning while he made his coffee, and then put it back in the cupboard. The lack of outreach from Armie didn't hurt any less, but he tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe something had happened. Or maybe he just needed more time. Their conversation had been ok the other night, Timmy felt. He was thinking all the way back to that night in Crema, the night when - in his world - everything had changed. It sounded like he'd been on the verge that night, and that he regretted how it played out. He wanted to talk to him more about that, really understand the version of events that had gone down here. The dancing, though, Armie had mentioned. So it was that exact same fucking moment.

He hung out a little bit with one high school friend, who he was still friends with in his world. It felt almost normal.

The cameras and fans were seriously getting to him. He was getting better at reacting to it, but it wasn't easy and certainly not fun.

Brian had given up calling - Timmy never answered - and instead sent angry texts about what he was wearing in the paparazzi photos and the fact that he was staying in New York longer than planned. Timmy ignored it but Brian didn't let up.

He complained about it all to Pauline when they were texting, and she told him to come to Paris. He was considering it. He just wanted to spend a little more time with his parents.

Things were...ok, he figured. It had been over a week since he'd last heard from Armie. He told himself that if he didn't hear by the end of the weekend, he'd reach out again.

*******

One night, when he was getting a glass of water around 3am, he heard a faint vibration coming from the cupboard. He ignored it. Then a moment later it happened again. He sighed and retrieved his phone. 

It was Armie.

He darted across the living room and quietly slipped out onto the balcony, so that he could talk without disturbing his parents. Fuck, it was freezing - he grabbed a blanket from the couch and went back outside, wrapping himself up.

‘Armie?’

‘Timmy, oh my god. Are you alright? I’ve been calling you all night.’

‘I was away from my phone...is everything ok? Why were you calling so much?’

‘Because when you didn’t answer I thought something had happened to you.’

‘You...were worried about me?’

‘Of course I was. I called...dozens of times.’

‘Nothing’s happened with you, it was just...concern for me,’ Timmy affirmed, smiling a little.

‘Yes, how many times do I have to say it?’

‘It’s just good to know you care.’

‘God, of course I fucking care.’

Timmy paused. ‘Why haven’t you talked to me?’

He heard Armie sigh. ‘Been busy. The kids…’ he lied feebly.

‘Armie.’ 

‘It’s stupid, it doesn’t matter.’

‘Yes it fucking does. It's been over a week.'

‘I just got a little...I don’t know, after what happened the other night...I didn’t know what to say.’

‘What? Talking to you on the phone?’

‘I meant listening to you fall asleep.’

‘Well...if it was boring or weird for you, you could have just hung up.’

‘I know but I didn’t want to. It was after you’d fallen asleep, like a lot later...I was in bed, reading, with you on speaker, just, listening to you.’

‘Listening to me sleep?’ Timmy was grinning from ear to ear.

‘I - yeah, I guess. Yes.’

‘It was too much for you? You got weirded out?’

‘No, that was fine, that was...nice. No, it was when you started talking.’

‘What?’

‘I thought you’d woken up and were talking to me. But no, you were talking in your sleep.’

‘Fuck, what was I saying?’

‘You kept saying my name, kind of distantly...then you were crying, Timmy, for like twenty minutes. I didn’t want to wake you in case it shocked you, but I just wanted to - I don’t know, make you feel better - you know, cuddle you, or - yeah.’

‘What did you do?’

‘I just kinda said, _sshh, sshh, sshh_ , down the phone. I didn’t know what to do. You were just sobbing and I couldn’t do anything to help you.’

‘Sorry if that freaked you out.’

‘No, it wasn’t that, it was when...you started talking, and you were saying, _Armie I want to come back to you, the you here is all wrong, Armie, I miss you so much, the one here isn’t right, he doesn’t want me, Armie, Armie, my Armie_...you just kept saying _Armie, my Armie_ , over and over.’

Timmy was stunned. ‘I - I don’t know, I guess I was having a bad dream.’

‘I haven’t stopped thinking about it. You sounded so sad and desperate.’

‘I guess I was having some sort of weird nightmare. Sorry.’

‘What does that mean? Who’s your Armie? Why is the one here wrong? Is that me? I’m wrong? How?' 

‘I don’t know, I don’t remember what I was dreaming about!’ Timmy tried to assure him.

‘ _Armie, my Armie_ …’ he recalled.

‘I don’t know. I don’t know what to say, I don’t remember. It was just a dream. Obviously. There’s no other explanation.’

‘Obviously.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Except…’

‘What?’ Timmy’s heart sped up - had Armie figured it out?

‘You mean that me, here and now, I’m all wrong, and the Armie that you met - the one I left behind in Crema - he’s your Armie?’

‘I...yeah. Uh huh,’ he said, feeling he may as well go with this.

‘Oh Timmy.’ He heard Armie breath heavily. ‘I understand. I know I’ve been so wrong. I’ve done wrong by you, too much.’

‘I know.’

‘I’m so sorry. Fuck, I wish we weren’t so far apart. I wish…’

‘I know.’

‘You said the Armie here doesn’t want you. I...Timmy, I can’t tell you how wrong that is.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Say it.’

‘Say what?’

‘I said that you don’t want me. Tell me that you do. Say it.’

Silence. Timmy’s heart sank.

‘I want you.’ Armie’s voice was soft.

‘Say it again.' 

‘I want you.’

‘Again.’

‘I want you.’

‘Tell me all the ways.’

‘I want you. I’ve wanted you for years. I want you every day. I can’t stand this, Timmy. I want you here right now or I want to be there. I...want you, I want you, I want you.’

‘Keep going,’ Timmy murmured, smiling, emotional. He would settle for this - more than settle - in lieu of an ‘I love you’, for now at least. This was wonderful.

‘I want to talk to you every day. I want to stop hurting you. I want to hear your voice. I want to touch you. I want you to be beside me. I want you to stay.' 

‘I would stay. Would you?’

‘I will stay.’

‘I want to learn everything about you...I’ve held back because the more I see, the more I want you...so I’ve held back, I’ve been scared. But, Timmy, I want to know all of you.’

Timmy wanted to tell him that he felt the same, wanted to tell him how happy he was to hear all of this - but he was so choked up that he couldn’t manage anything other than a shaky, whispered, ‘yes, yes, yes…’

There was a moment of silence, Timmy not sure if Armie would say anything else, but not caring - he had said so much.

‘I want to always know you,’ Armie said, his voice low and tender.

Timmy blinked, tears falling. ‘I want to always know you, too,’ he choked out after a moment. This was so much more than he thought it was possible for Armie to say. He was completely overwhelmed.

‘There are other...things, other ways, that I want you, too. I just don’t want to say them over the phone. I don’t even want to say it, I just want to...show you.’

‘Oh...you do, do you?’

‘Uh huh.’

‘Ok. Ok. Well...I look forward to it.’ They both giggled, a little shyly. ‘Does that aspect of things make you nervous?’

‘Yes,’ Armie said. Timmy expected that. ‘But I’m working on it. It’s just unfamiliar is all, logistically. But you, _you_ are not unfamiliar. So fuck nerves. I want you.’

‘You want to have sex with me?’

‘Yeah. I would like that. But that’s not all you are to me - this is beyond sex, Timmy. So it wouldn’t be casual fucking.’

‘No, I know.’

‘But I still want it.’

‘Un-casual fucking?’ Timmy teased.

‘Very serious fucking.’

They both laughed again.

‘Armie...Armie, I’m so fucking happy you said this to me. All of this. I wish it was written down so I could read it back again and again. But hearing you say it has been amazing, and so special.’

‘I’ll write it down. I will - do you want text or email? No - I’ll write you a letter.’

‘Oh my god,’ Timmy laughed, ‘you’re gonna really write me a letter?’

‘Yes. I will. As soon as we hang up. I want you to have it in writing. I’m really serious about this. And I know there’s still a ways to go. But fuck, Timmy, I can’t keep going like this. And I know a lot of it is down to me. So I had to. Give me a chance to go further, it’s really hard.' 

‘I know it is. I’m so proud of you, please know that. I’m so proud of you for saying everything you’ve just said to me.’

‘I really want to keep trying. I will keep trying.' 

‘I know you will. But this is enough for tonight. Let’s sit with this. And please let’s talk?’

‘Every day, yes,’ Armie confirmed. 

‘Ok. Ok. Good.’

They listened to each other breathing for a moment.

‘Fuck, I’m fucking freezing,’ Timmy finally said.

‘Yeah and it’s crazy late for you, right?’

‘Yeah. But it’s ok, this was a good conversation.’

‘I agree.' 

‘Armie...thank you.’ 

‘Yeah. It was the right thing. I’m really sorry it took me so long.’

‘It’s ok.'

'It's...it's not too late?'

'No. It's not too late, Armie.' 

'I'm so glad.' 

They lingered a moment longer, then Timmy's teeth started chattering and Armie must have heard. 

‘Ok, I don’t want you to freeze to death. Let's talk again soon.’

‘Ok. Goodnight.’

‘Night.’ 

Pause.

‘Timmy, hang up.’

‘Yeah, yeah sorry.’

Pause.

‘Do you want me to listen to you dreaming again?’

‘No, God, no,’ Timmy said and hung up immediately.

He slipped back inside and sat against the radiator, warming himself up for a moment. He smiled. It was happening. It was fucking happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okayyyy I hope you liked it??? let me know in the comments!!!
> 
> next chapter will come in the next few days. I promise. oh - and it's a good one ;)


	5. chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow look I actually followed through and managed to upload without another whole week passing by??? are you proud of me??? I hope so!!! 
> 
> I continue to be bowled over by your investment and love for this story. I love you all, thank you thank you thank you. I hadn't written any fanfiction in YEARS and I was really nervous to get back into it. but you have all been so enthusiastic and welcoming, I'm so glad I made this decision. thank you every single one of you <3 <3 <3

**_His tone said: We don’t have to speak about it, but let’s not pretend we don’t know what I’m saying. Speaking abstractly was the only way to speak the truth to him._ **

_\- André Aciman, Call Me By Your Name_

 

** CHAPTER 5 **

 

Timmy was awoken by a pillow hitting his face, hard.

‘Wake up you little bitch, don’t you want a croissant?!?!’

‘Jesus, Pauline…’ he rubbed his eyes sleepily. ‘I’m jetlagged as fuckkkk,’ he moaned. He’d arrived yesterday, early evening.

‘You cannot be jetlagged in Paris, it’s just not an option.’ His sister, standing over him and grinning widely, had little patience for jetlag - until it was hers, that is.

‘Alright, alright, I do really want a croissant,’ he relented. ‘Somewhere chill?’

‘Duh.’

Pauline lived far enough away from the central concentrations of Parisian tourist hotspots, and all the streets near her apartment were tiny, narrow and uneven; easy to hide. The part of the city that felt normal, like people actually lived there. Timmy had been so glad to get away from the never-ending openness of Manhattan - the comfort those streets used to hold almost completely robbed from him in this world.

They walked through the quiet streets and ended up in a café that Pauline said was very good and also fairly lowkey.

‘I’m starving,’ he murmured as he glanced over the menu, then looked up at Pauline. She smiled at him.

‘All the carbs?’

He grinned back. ‘All the fucking carbs. And all the fucking coffee.’

They ordered croissants first, then fresh, warm baguette with jam, then more croissants. They got through three pots of coffee between them, and Pauline ordered fresh orange juice, ‘avec la pulpe’ for Timmy.

‘Oh man. That really hit the spot,’ he said, wiping raspberry jam from his lips.

‘Simple is best sometimes,’ she said as she tore the soft part from the baguette and practically inhaled it, ‘when it’s good, you don’t need anything else.’

‘Yeah. Exactly.' 

She poured him another coffee. ‘So New York was bringing you down?’

‘Yeah. It’s not the same anymore.’ She nodded. ‘It doesn’t feel like home. I don’t even know what home is.’

‘Oh, Timo. I wish I could help you.’

‘No, I know, but it’s ok. I know I should be grateful for all the stuff, all the success, I’m lucky…’

‘You don’t have to do that. You don’t have to say the right things. I know you don’t mean that and I’m not mad.’

He smiled gratefully, paused. ‘I just don’t care about any of it, Pauline.’

‘Mm hm.’

‘I don’t care about the jobs and success. I certainly don’t care about the fame. I don’t care that New York isn’t right, I don’t care about my agent. I don’t even care that I have no privacy or that my phone gives me constant anxiety. I just don’t care about any of it.’

They didn’t say anything for a moment. Timmy absently toyed with his empty ring finger and swallowed a huge lump in his throat. Pauline gently put her hand over his, stopping his movement.

‘Ok. So what _do_ you care about?’ she asked.

He sniffed and looked up at her. ‘Armie.’

 

*******

 

He told her everything - well, not _everything_ \- he told her how much he loved him, how difficult it was for Armie, about Liz and some other stuff from Austin, and their phonecall from just before he left New York.

She hadn’t been able to offer much straight away - Pauline usually took time to process and come up with something - but she’d immediately paid the cheque and texted her friend to meet them so that Timmy could borrow his bike.

She and Timmy were soon cycling through the streets, and he was sure he almost died about seven times. His hair whipping around, feeling the coffee pulsing through his veins; yelling out in shock when he narrowly avoided knocking over a small child and laughing when Pauline dropped a half-finished cigarette in surprise when a vespa came out of nowhere.

He didn’t care if people recognised him. Right now, he was faster than any of them.

They pulled over by the Seine, somewhere that he didn’t recognise, and caught their breath. He had no idea how long it had been but he knew they’d gone really far. In the midst of the mad, crazy rushing around, he’d felt more alive than he had the entire time he’d been in this world. It had forced him to get out of his head and he had felt...lighter. Happier. He looked over at his sister, who was smiling at him. She knew how he felt. This had been her intention.

‘Hey. Thank you. That really made me feel better, honestly.’

‘I know.’

‘I’m gonna be ok.’

‘Yeah. You are.’

‘I think it’s gonna work out with Armie, eventually.’

‘I think so too.’

‘I don’t have to do things that I don’t wanna do.’

‘Nope.' 

‘Can we get a crépe?’

‘Definitely.’

 

*******

 

Late afternoon, he called Armie. They’d stuck to their agreement to talk every day. He picked up on the first ring.

‘Hey, how’s Paris?’

‘Oh man, it’s so good. I really fucking needed it.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah. I feel...a lot better.’

‘That’s good. I’m glad.’

‘Is stuff ok there, with you?’ 

‘Yeah. Pretty chill - calm before the storm.’

‘Oh?’

‘I mean, before the next project. And...everything else.’

‘Uh huh. So you’re...thinking about that?’

‘Timmy, it’s all I think about.’

Timmy smiled. ‘I’m glad. Me too, honestly.’

‘I bet.’ Armie paused. ‘When it comes down to it, we should probably have like a timeline or something, it’ll need planning.’

‘Oh Armie, I don’t wanna plan it. I just want it to happen.’

‘I know, Timmy, I just can’t see how I could be so...I don’t know. I don’t know how I could ever feel so...confident, no, that’s not the right word…’

‘Free.’

‘Huh?’

‘The word you’re looking for is free. You can’t see how you could ever feel so free that you’d allow yourself to do this naturally, beautifully, unplanned. L...this, this cannot be planned.’

‘Timmy, I’ve never done anything spontaneous or unpredictable, least of all something as big as this.’

‘ _Be_ spontaneous. That turns me on.’

‘It...it does?’

‘Oh, I think you know it does.’

‘I’ll have to think of something, then.’

‘I’ll be waiting.’

‘Uh huh. So when are you going to England?’

‘Oh, I don’t know anymore. Brian wanted me there already but we don’t even start shooting till June.’

‘Seriously?’

‘Yeah, he wanted me to hide and disappear for a bit. Distance myself from you, actually.' 

‘Oh.’

‘I’ve been ignoring his texts. I don’t even care that much about it.’

‘You were really excited about that film.’

‘I just can’t find the motivation. It doesn’t feel as important as other things. As - as you.’

‘Timmy...you can’t neglect everything just because of me.’

‘It’s not just you. A lot of stuff is just really weird right now. I feel like...like it’s summer vacation, like after high school and before college starts. You know? Like you’re waiting for something better to come, but it isn’t quite time for it yet. I feel...I feel like I’m waiting for the good part of my life to start.’

‘You must know by now that you can’t live life like that. Waiting for the future. If you always look ahead you’ll never see what’s right in front of you.’

‘You know, you should really heed your own advice, Armie.’

‘Oh, I know.’

‘It’s hard to be interested in what's going on right now when it feels like nothing in comparison to what I know the future could be.’

‘Neither of us know what the future could be, T.’

_Oh, but I do, love, I really do_ , he thought sadly.

 

*******

 

A couple of days later, he woke up super early and decided to take a walk. After he’d had some coffee and taken advantage of the very empty, early morning streets, Timmy was drifting through a little bio shop, picking up some groceries. After pretty much nothing but pastries, crépes, macarons and bread, his body was crying out for some veggies. He tossed asparagus and squash into the basket, adding to the rainbow already in there.

As he headed to the fresh orange juice machine and picked up a bottle to fill, he noticed a girl staring at him. Shit. Shit. This hadn’t happened here yet. He bent his head and tried to concentrate on the orange juice. He hoped she’d just stare and walk away. He knew he was dressed pretty lowkey, if she took a photo it would be ok probably...he felt footsteps come towards him. He sighed, looked up with a plastered on smile. She looked up at him, nervous - she seemed around his age, maybe slightly younger.

‘Salut,’ he nodded at her politely. Her eyes widened when he talked to her.

‘Sorry to bother you,’ she began quietly. He shrugged. ‘I just wanted to say that I really love your work.’

‘Thank you. I appreciate it,’ he said, slightly mechanically but less so than usual. This was the kind of interaction he was used to - respectful, calm, lowkey. Thank god for Parisians.

‘Also, these are for you,’ she said, dropping a little tissue paper wrapped package into his basket. He stared at the package, then back at her, his eyes confused. No fans had ever given him anything before. Was this normal? Was it safe? He didn’t know what to say. Her expression looked fearful. ‘I’m sorry - I heard you were around here and I live nearby so I’ve just been carrying them around in case I ran into you...sorry...have a nice day,’ she said, blushing and running away.

Timmy stared after her, bemused, then carefully opened the tissue paper. It was socks, patterned with peaches. He let out a genuine laugh, immediately took out his phone and took a photo, sending it to Armie.

_Look what someone just gave me._

LA was nine hours behind, so he knew it was just after midnight and Armie was probably still up. As he left the store, his phone buzzed.

_A: Love it._

He sent Armie a peach emoji in response.

_A: If you wear them, people will talk, you know that right?_

_T: Why?_

_A: Making such an allusion to the film, now, way after filming and promotion is over?_

_T: What, suggesting that I still think about it?_

_A: Suggesting that you still think about me._

_T: But I do._

Long pause.

_A: I know. I do too. But does everyone need to know?_

_T: It’s not about whether everyone needs to know or not. Everyone else is irrelevant. It’s about whether I want to pretend that I don’t think about it, about you; pretend that it’s insignificant. Because it’s not insignificant._

_A: I know, T, but you wear those socks - I know you tuck them in, everyone will see every peachy detail - and then everyone talks and speculates and starts thinking things that aren’t true._

Timmy stared at the screen for a second.

_T: Armie. It IS true._

_A: No, I know, I mean they think they understand but they have no idea._

_T: They can think what they want._

_A: Just - just don’t wear them when you’re somewhere super public? Please?_

Timmy sighed.

_T: I’m not gonna park myself at the foot of the fucking Eiffel Tower and charge five euros to view the cum-peach socks, Armie, calm down._

No response.

_T: They’re fucking socks. And that was the first fan interaction I haven’t hated, quite the opposite._

_T: I like them a lot. They remind me of you._

_T: And I already know what to wear them with._

He paused, hesitating as he typed.

_T: It's not about what other people think, Armie. It's about what I think._

Armie didn’t respond.

 

*******

 

‘This is really good, Timo,’ said Pauline that night over dinner. She spooned more mushrooms onto her plate. ‘You cooked these my favourite way.’

‘I know. I used up all your garlic.’

‘Good.’ They laughed. ‘You seem a lot better than you were when you arrived.’

‘I am, I really am. Thanks for looking after me.’ 

‘Of course dude.’

‘Mom’s been checking up on me, hasn’t she?’

‘Only every other hour. I told her that you’re good. I said you even go outside, like, every day, pretty wild, right?’

He rolled his eyes. ‘Shut up...it’s easier to go outside here.’

‘No, I know. She knows too. I’m kidding. We’re both just glad that you’re not holed up inside all day.’

‘Well it doesn’t smell so bad outside here.’

‘Truuuue.’

They ate in silence for a few moments. Timmy topped up their wine.

‘You know, I don’t know if I wanna do the film.’

‘Oh?’

‘I don’t know yet. I just feel like I don’t want to.’

‘You’ll have to tell them soon though, right? They’ll need to find someone new.’

‘Yeah, yeah probably.’

‘Brian will kill you.’

‘I don’t even want him to be my agent.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah. I told Papa about some stuff, like how he’s super controlling about me looking straight and everything, and he got pretty mad.’

‘Wait, wait...you came out to Papa?' 

‘Oh, yeah.’

‘Timo, that’s huge. Was it alright?’

‘Yeah, I mean, I knew it wouldn’t be terrible or anything.’

‘It’s just never easy.’

‘Mm.’

‘What about Mom?’

‘I guess...she just kind of knew. I just said I loved him and she didn’t blink.’ He paused. ‘Did you know, about…’ 

‘About Mom? Oh, yeah. For years. In high school she walked in on my friend and I crying over _La Vie D’Adèle_ , and then she told us everything.’

‘That’s such a fucking good movie.’

‘Yeah.’ 

‘You never told me.’

Pauline shrugged. ‘It was Mom’s thing to tell. Anyway, Papa is cool?’ 

‘Yeah, absolutely.’

‘Good. Good.’ She sipped her wine. 'Something on your mind?' 

‘I uh...I think Armie’s mad at me.’

‘Why?’

Timmy told her about the socks and Armie’s lack of response. She smiled. ‘Oh Timo. I don’t think he’s mad at you.’

‘What makes you so sure?’

She took out her phone. ‘I know you’re barely on your phone these days, but this is literally all over the internet.’

She passed him her phone and what Timmy saw made his heart stand still. 

It was a slew of HQ paparazzi shots of Armie, walking through one of the busiest parts of LA. He was wearing...Timmy could not believe this. He was wearing an identical replica of the outfit that Timmy had worn, as Elio, in the final scene of the movie.

Black trousers, black turtleneck, and that truly, truly excellent shirt. How had he even acquired this?...he even had little black headphones on. The only key difference was that in the movie, Timmy had worn black socks, but here, Armie was wearing pink ones. Timmy was marvelling at the whole thing. 

His expression was stoic. Timmy could tell that a thousand things were happening beneath the skin on Armie’s face. But he was staring ahead, pressing on. He looked so fucking determined. 

‘Wow…’ he murmured weakly. 

‘Did you get to the part with the…’ 

‘What?’ 

Pauline scooted over and scrolled a little further. ‘Here.’

Armie was lingering outside a bodega, looking at the produce stacked up outside. He scrolled further. He paid for something - it was in a brown paper bag, so Timmy couldn’t see - he scrolled further - Armie reaching into the bag - Armie removing a - was it - no - was that really - yes - it was a peach - an actual real literal fucking _peach_ , clutched in Armie’s long fingers.

He scrolled further, praying there were photos of - YES. Armie’s teeth sinking into the peach. Juice dripping down his chin after the first bite. Timmy kept scrolling, seeing shot after shot of Armie demolishing the peach, his fingers covered in sticky juice - oh god, _licking_ his fingers - the morning LA sun hitting his features perfectly and making him look so, so sexy and bold. This...this might be the boldest thing Armie had done. Sexiest risk taker indeed. 

‘Holy shit,’ he said weakly, passing the phone back to Pauline. He walked to the cupboard across the kitchen to retrieve his own, needing to talk to Armie right now. 

He rang and waited. He normally picked up on the first ring, but the phone strangely went to voicemail. Timmy frowned and tried again. And again. He started breathing erratically, panicking. ‘Pauline, he’s not answering.’

Her eyes widened. ‘Ummm…’

‘Why wouldn’t he answer? I don’t even think his phone is on.’

‘Maybe - maybe it died.’

Timmy paced anxiously. ‘Something doesn’t feel right. This - this is fucking huge, and there’s no message from him, no call...this has to be a message for me, right? It has to.’ 

‘I think it’s definitely aimed at you, yeah. Just...don’t worry, I’m sure everything’s ok,’ she said, taking his hands to stop them shaking. ‘Maybe it’s one of the kids or something. Maybe it’s broken. Maybe he dropped it in the pool. It could be literally anything, dude. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure it’s not you. Breathe, Timo.’

He did so, letting a couple of tears fall. ‘I don’t understand…’

‘I know, I know. It’s gonna be ok.’ The siblings stood together in silence for a moment as Pauline helped her brother calm down. 'You ok?'

'Yeah.' He exhaled shakily, wiping his eyes. 'Thank you. Sorry.'

'It's ok.' She put her hands on his shoulders. 'Now. I know you said you were done with pastries, but tarte au citron is your favourite, and there’s this place a few minutes away that makes amazing ones, you have to try it…’

‘Me? Done with pastries? Never,’ he said, trying to smile.

‘Good. Get your jacket.’

 

*******

 

The next morning, he woke up early again. Pauline didn’t seem to be home, and when he walked into the kitchen there was a note for him.

_T - I had to return a book to a friend, she needs it for class. Meet me at the café around 10 for breakfast? P xo xo_

He tried calling Armie again. Still straight to voicemail. He tried not to let it get to him.

 

*******

 

Timmy headed out a couple of hours later, heading to the café. He arrived before Pauline, so he ordered coffee and read a book for a few minutes.

She must have been running late, and he got pretty deep into the book, absorbed fully into the story. He didn’t notice when the waitress took away his cup, or when the people next to him whispered. And he didn’t notice when the door opened. When he finally looked up, intending only to look at the clock to see how late it was - and maybe text Pauline to see if she was ok - the book fell out of his hands. 

He was standing in the doorway, in the black trousers and black turtleneck and pink socks and _that_  goddamn shirt.

Armie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOPE YOU LIKED IT!!!
> 
> I'm gonna try and post the next chapter at the weekend - try not to go too crazy over the cliffhanger until then!!! 
> 
> please please comment anything you like - your thoughts and questions about the boys and this world are EVERYTHING. I respond to all comments!!! 
> 
> thank you so so much for reading. much much love xoxo


	6. chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok ok ok I know, I know it's been too long and I'm REALLY freaking sorry.
> 
> thank you so so so much for your love on the last chapter. it means so much & I'm responding to those of you I didn't get around to yet asap.
> 
> also -- @LivefromG25 did a great photoshop job of what Armie would look like in the Elio shirt. I cannot figure out how to insert an image into the story but here's the link to the tumblr post http://mrsmelchiorgabor.tumblr.com/post/183961168686/frankly-im-stunned-and-overwhelmed-and-honoured and hopefully it works!!! (also ya that's my tumblr go ahead and follow if you want)
> 
> I hope you like this chapter! there's some sexytimes! enjoy & please lemme know what you think in the comments <3

_**  
** _

_**  
** _

_**'Whoever said the soul and the body met in the pineal gland was a fool. It's the asshole, stupid.'** _

_\- André Aciman, Call Me By Your Name_

_  
_

**Chapter 6**

  


Timmy stared at him, his mouth hanging open. Armie was smiling, looking pleased with himself for having successfully surprised him.

‘Armie…’ Timmy whispered, dumb struck. ‘You’re...here...and you’re...the shirt…’ he stood up shakily and fell into Armie’s body, just smashed into him - like he had the morning he woke up in this world, only this time, _this time_ , Armie didn’t turn to stone, didn’t back away - no, _this time_ his arms wrapped around Timmy without a second thought and _this time_ he _held_ him.

‘I wanted to be spontaneous,’ Armie whispered into his curls.

‘You really went all out,’ Timmy said weakly.

‘I wanted to. It’s what you deserve. You deserve more than me all the way in LA in my feelings.’

‘It’s ok, don’t worry about that now.’ Timmy lingered in the hug a moment longer, inhaling Armie’s scent. It was the most perfect, most real thing. His fingers clung to the shirt as he breathed great gulps of Armie in.

Armie, feeling his breath, tensed slightly. Timmy pulled him closer. ‘Sorry, I’m gross from the plane. It was a ten hour flight.’

‘No, no - it’s not gross.’ Timmy carefully moved his head, looked into Armie’s eyes. ‘I can’t believe you’re here. This...I’m so happy to see you,’ he smiled.

Armie smiled back, his eyes darting briefly to Timmy’s lips. They were still standing close together. But they were in the middle of a cafe and it also just wasn’t time yet for that. Timmy gently stepped backwards. Armie also became aware that they had publicly hugged for a lengthy amount of time, but to Timmy’s relief he didn’t try to cover up the moment in layers of ‘bro’ or ‘dude’. He just let it sit.

‘Are you hungry? The croissants here are really good.’

‘Oh, fuck yeah, I need at least a dozen inside me like right now,’ said Armie, sitting in the chair opposite Timmy, bringing it around slightly so that he was closer to him, and just like that - it was normal.

  


*******

**  
**

‘So...what made you decide to come?’ asked Timmy as he poured coffee for Armie.

‘What you said. About how it’s not about anyone else. It’s about you, it’s about what you think. And it scared me. But you were right. I care about you. So at first I just wanted to show you - we’d argued about you doing stuff in public, right? So I decided to do something in public, too - something bigger than just socks. Though, these are a nod to you. Your favourite colour.’

Timmy smiled. ‘I still can’t believe it. This is so fucking huge, Armie.’

‘It’s all for you. I considered one of mine at first - Billowy or something. But I remembered I lost that at some point,’ he looked at him meaningfully - had other-Timmy taken Billowy? That kid was in deep - smiled, and continued, ‘and then I thought this was more of a statement. This is yours, after all.’

‘So...you went full Elio.’

‘Yep, full credits scene, full Visions of Gideon, full fireplace.’

‘Where’d you even get the shirt? I know it’s not mine, it wouldn’t fit.’

Armie laughed. ‘Ok, so he said that you are not allowed to judge him. But Luca just loved it so much that he acquired one for himself. He’d considered wearing it to the Oscars but at the last minute changed his mind, and he forgot it back in LA, so Dakota was keeping it at her place for now. He said I could use it and I figured it would actually fit, unlike yours, which would barely suffice as a scarf for me.’ They laughed.

‘You told him about the whole stunt?’

‘Yeah. He was quite excited about it, actually.’

Timmy smiled. ‘I’ll bet he was.’

‘So um, yeah. I changed at her place and then just went straight to Venice, I knew there would be paps. I wanted you to see. I wanted you to see that I...I really want to stop giving a fuck, Timmy, I do. I’m not all the way there yet, but I’m trying.’

‘I can tell. This, honestly, this shocked me. In the best way. The peach…’

Armie blushed. ‘Yeah, that was an idea I had when I passed the store and saw them sitting out. I...couldn’t resist.’

‘I’m glad.’

They paused, smiling at each other. ‘I saw you called me, while I was on the plane.’

‘Oh, yeah. As soon as I saw the photos, I had to talk to you. You weren’t answering obviously and I...I mean, I worried a little.’

‘Pauline said you freaked the fuck out.’

He blushed. ‘Pauline...so she’s behind this trip?’

‘No, no. She helped with the details but it was my idea. I got to the boardwalk and I looked out at the ocean and I really, really wanted to see you. So badly. I know it wasn’t that ocean that you were on the other side of, but you know what I mean. I had to see you. I know you’re going to England and I have a shoot next month too. I didn’t know when next time would be, so I had to come out here. So I literally took my phone out then and there and booked the flight. I figured out the specifics with Pauline and I had an assistant bring me my passport - I knew if I went back for it myself, Liz would stop me - and I went straight to LAX.’

‘You didn’t bring anything?’

‘Nope. I don’t even have any euros, so I’d appreciate if breakfast could be on you.’

‘No, yeah, absolutely.’

‘Thanks...yeah. I couldn’t stand the thought of...I mean, I just had to see you.’

‘First thought.’

Armie sighed. ‘I couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing you till next awards season.’

‘Armie...we would have seen each other before that.’

He shook his head. ‘Not if everyone gets their way. But fuck everyone. Like I said on the phone.’ He carefully moved the jam jar in front of Timmy’s hand, and then gently placed his own hand on Timmy’s. ‘I want you.’

‘It’s so good to hear you say it in person.’

‘I had to say it to your face. I had to look into your eyes. Yeah. I want you. And - there’s more where that came from. Please believe me.’

‘I do, I do.’

  


*******

  


When they arrived home, Pauline was reading on the couch. She smiled triumphantly up at them.

‘Ah, I see you found each other, then.’

Timmy immediately ran to the couch and pulled her into a hug. ‘Thank you. Really.’

‘Yeah, of course,’ she got up, going to hug Armie in greeting.

‘Bonjour,’ Armie said happily as he kissed both her cheeks. ‘Now, Pauline, will you please tell your brother that I absolutely don’t need to sleep?’

‘And Pauline, will you please tell Armie that he absolutely _does_ need to sleep because he had a ten hour flight and I’m pretty sure he almost fell into the Seine on our way here.’

Pauline laughed. ‘You know my opinions about jet lag.’ Timmy groaned. ‘Armie - don’t sleep. You’re in Paris, to sleep would be a fucking _waste_.’

‘Thank you, yeah, exactly what I said!’

‘You two are terrible!’ Timmy exclaimed. ‘Please, Armie - just take a few hours and then we can have a really fun night later.’

Armie shook his head. ‘I just need coffee -’

‘You drank two entire pots by yourself -’

‘- and then I’ll be fine. Where shall we go? I don’t want to go anywhere too busy, I’m not in the mood to deal with it.’

‘Oh, people here aren’t as bad,’ Timmy told him.

‘Still, I want to spend time with you and I’d rather do it somewhere that I won’t be looking over my shoulder the whole time.’

Timmy nodded. ‘Ok, yeah for sure.’

‘Do you know anywhere?’

‘Yeah, I know places. But they are not places that we are going before you sleep.’

Pauline chimed in, ‘Oh Timo, Armie came to the city of loveeee for you, stop trying to make him sleep and just go make out under a bridge already,’ she said laughing, making the men freeze; ‘Armie, I’ll make you a coffee and then you’ll be ready for an epic day of l’amour with your man.’

The two men didn’t say anything - Timmy was looking to Armie, who was blushing furiously and staring at Timmy, brow furrowed - fear and a hint of anger coloured his face, which surprised Timmy.

Armie coughed. ‘No need to make coffee. I think Timmy’s right. I’m gonna sleep for a bit. I’ll, uh, I’ll figure out a hotel.’

‘No, Armie, there’s room here.’

Armie shook his head. ‘Nah, it’s ok.’

Timmy flashed a heartbroken, furious look at Pauline, who, looking mortified at her misstep, shuffled quickly out of the room.

‘Armie...she’s just excited you’re here, don’t let it get to you.’

‘That’s what it looks like. ‘Day of l’amour with your man’...it looks like I just came here to see you, everyone will assume -’

Timmy, in a fit of despair, kicked the small table over, sending books, papers and an empty mug falling to the ground. Armie looked at him, shocked. ‘I cannot keep having this same fight!’ Timmy yelled. ‘Stop giving a fuck what it looks like - you just sat in a cafe and told me you wanted to _stop_ giving a fuck -’

‘I’m fucking _trying_ -’

‘Try harder, you fucking -  _Armie,_ just stop it, just stop thinking about everyone else and think about yourself, think about me, think about _us_. I’m right here, finally I’m here in front of you and there is nothing else you need to do - I am here, I am yours, please, take what you want, take me, take me, _take me_ ,’ Timmy practically growled, leaping forwards to where Armie stood and taking his big hands, kissing every inch of them, moving them into his hair and kissing Armie’s wrists, down his forearm to the crook of his elbow.

He felt Armie’s hands tighten in his hair and let go of them, trusting that he wouldn’t let go. Timmy went straight for his pants, ‘take me, I’m yours, take me, I’m _yours_ ,’ he whispered as he ripped off the belt and pulled everything down. He almost cried when he saw Armie’s cock, decidedly aroused. Hands shaking, he took his broad hips and gripped tight; kissed his strong inner thighs until there was nothing left to do but…he licked his lips and moved forwards.

The second Timmy’s mouth touched his cock, Armie let out a loud, whimpering moan - the kind of sound that has been held inside for so long that it stops making any sense to anyone but the person it’s for. Timmy wanted this to be good, he didn’t want to rush it - not this first time. He slowly started working Armie’s cock, teasing him...Armie was gripping his hair so tightly Timmy was sure he would rip it out, and he wouldn’t care if he did.

But as soon as it began, it was over. ‘Timmy...stop. Just stop,’ Armie whispered sadly.

Timmy did, and sat at Armie’s feet, resting his head on Armie’s inner thigh. He wrapped his arms around his leg and held onto him like a child, and cried softly. ‘I’m yours...I’m yours…’ Timmy sobbed desperately. Armie’s hand came to rest on the top of his head, and he stroked Timmy gently.

They stayed like that for a long moment. ‘I should go, Timmy,’ Armie finally said.

‘You’re gonna leave - please, no, don’t fucking go back to LA,’ Timmy begged, holding him tighter.

‘I’m just going to a hotel.’

‘Seriously, you can stay here.’

‘I shouldn’t stay here.’

Timmy let go of him and stayed slumped on the floor, defeated.

Armie pulled his trousers back on, picked up his phone and pursed his lips. ‘Can I use your phone to google somewhere? I haven’t turned mine on yet. I don’t want to deal with the shitstorm from back home yet.’

Timmy handed him his phone. ‘Does Liz know you’re here? You shouldn’t let her worry.’

‘No, she knows. I texted her and then turned my phone off straight away.’

Armie googled in silence for a second, then handed Timmy his phone back. ‘There’s somewhere not far from here.’ Timmy looked up at him, eyes filled with tears. Armie sighed. ‘Don’t look at me like that...I can’t handle it.’

‘ _You_ can’t handle it?’

‘I know, it’s hard for you too.’ _You have no idea_ , thought Timmy. ‘What Pauline said - it really freaked me out.’

‘She’s just excited.’

‘I wish that’s what this was. I wish it was just _normal_. Like I’d just come here to see you and that was it - that there was nothing and no-one to answer to.’

‘Mm.’ Timmy didn’t know what to say - since these circumstances, these obstacles, had disappeared for him and his Armie. They weren’t concerns. They’d never had to overcome them. Would they have ever managed to?

Armie took off the beautiful Elio shirt. ‘I shouldn’t wear it outside again.’ He placed it on the back of a chair. The black turtleneck was incredibly tight, practically a second skin. Timmy could see every detail of his upper body and all the sadness was briefly muted, as he stood up and ran his hands over Armie’s chest, around to his back, and then held him tight. Too good. Too familiar. Armie held him close.

‘I wanted to take your clothes off myself,’ Timmy murmured. Armie shivered slightly, but didn’t say anything. Arousal, denial. Armie stepped back and headed to the door, stopping with his back to Timmy.

‘I know I keep doing everything wrong,’ he said softly.

‘Stay. Why did you even come all this way if you’re just going to walk right out of here?’

‘Timmy, you don’t understand what’s going on inside me right now. I feel like my soul is tearing itself apart. I feel like I’m a magnet, and there’s two pieces of metal pulling me towards them...one is you, and the other is everything outside.’

Timmy stepped towards him and placed his hand on Armie’s back. He melted into the touch. ‘Don’t you want me?’

‘Oh god, I want you so bad.’

‘Then why…’

‘So much of me pulls towards you. There’s just this part of my brain that keeps getting in the way of my heart. It won’t let me shut out the rest of the noise, not completely.’ He turned around, taking Timmy’s hand and kissing it gently. ‘I’m scared.’

Timmy laced their fingers together. ‘Armie, why are you scared of letting this happen?’

‘I’m scared because what if I say, fuck everything else, and choose you, but then you - you - _you_ …’ Armie’s voice shook, becoming tearful.

‘What?’

‘But then _you leave me_ ,’ he spluttered.

Timmy gasped. He didn’t even know what to say to this. But Armie was staring at him, crying - Armie _crying_ , like this, was something he’d never seen. He’d seen him be tearful, seen him shed a tear, seen him cry motionlessly with slow tears falling gracefully - but this was something else. The huge man before him was fully, unabashedly weeping; this admission having cracked him open and making his body shake and shudder.

Timmy had to do something. He gently tugged Armie’s head down and pressed his forehead to his, massaged Armie’s temples with his thumbs and whispered, ‘ssh, ssh, ssh.’ It took a moment but Armie calmed down a little, but continued crying. ‘That’s what this has been about? You’ve been scared of that this whole time? That I’d leave you?’ Armie nodded. Timmy’s thumbs swept over his cheeks, wiping the tears away. ‘Armie. Armie, don’t you get it? I am _yours_. You are _mine_. This is...you and I are written in the stars. This will happen and it will not be temporary. You’re my forever. You’re it for me and I’m it for you. The moment that we truly begin this, in earnest, it will not end. It is so, so completely and wonderfully permanent, what we have.’

‘How do you know?’ Armie asked softly.

‘Trust me. I just know.’ He pressed his cheek against Armie’s, both their eyes closed, and whispered, ‘we are bonded, through something otherworldly; some cosmic intervention that hit us like lightening somewhere in northern Italy, which struck us hard and fused something within us together, whose force and strength somehow doesn’t fade but only gets stronger and closer. We are rocks that get skipped and sunk and forgotten and we are still dry at shore - we are everything at once. We, you and I, we are the way the streetlight hits the soaking ground after a rainstorm. We are forever and ever. I swear.’

Armie was staring at him. ‘That was beautiful but I don’t know how you could know all this with such certainty. I have to be honest, you’re freaking me out a little. You’re talking so...I don’t know. How could you possibly know these things?’

‘There are things you don’t know. That I’ll maybe tell you. But not now. Right now, you have to take a nap or else you’ll be sleeping on your feet like a horse.’ Armie smiled. ‘Just, please don’t go.’

  


*******

  


Armie didn’t go to a hotel.

He slept in the room that Timmy and Pauline’s parents stayed in if they were visiting.

While he napped, Timmy and Pauline curled up on the couch with fresh mint teas. Timmy was wearing the Elio shirt. It practically drowned him, and he kept pulling the collar up to smell Armie. Pauline shook her head at him.

‘You’re totally gone, aren’t you?’

‘Yep.’

‘I don’t want you to get hurt.’

‘Too late, sis.’

Timmy’s phone rang. It was still out from Armie using it earlier, otherwise he would have ignored it. He reached for it. ‘Oh shit.’ He took a deep breath and answered it.

‘Hey, Liz.’

‘Timmy, thank god you answered - is Armie there? Is he with you?’

‘He’s, uh, taking a nap right now. Jet lagged.’

‘Ok. Can you tell him to call me when he can?’

‘Sure. Yeah. Um, Liz - I didn’t ask him to come. He just showed up.’ He didn’t want her to think he was going against what she’d said in Austin - even though he kind of was, in other ways.

‘I know, honey. I know you didn’t tell him.’ She sighed. ‘Is he at a hotel?’

‘No.’

‘I see.’

‘Are - are you doing ok?’

‘Timmy, I should go.’

‘Ok, sure.’

‘So just pass on that message...hope Paris is fun.’

She hung up. Timmy exhaled.

‘What was that about?’

‘She wants Armie to call her. And she wanted to know if he was at a hotel.’

‘And you said no? Well now she’s gonna think you two are fucking.’

‘Oh...oh, shit. I didn’t think that was how it would come off.’

‘Well with any luck, in a few days she won’t be mistaken.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Timo, that man wants you. Bad.’

‘Mm. We’ll see.’

  


*******

  


Pauline had to go to an evening lecture, so Timmy stayed in the apartment alone, reading Le Monde and snacking on asparagus.

Around 9pm, Armie emerged. He saw Timmy, wrapped up in the shirt, and smiled fondly. ‘Hey.’

‘Oh, hey. You’re awake.’

‘Yeah, I woke up a few minutes ago.’ He joined Timmy on the couch and lay with his head on Timmy’s legs. ‘Is this ok?’

‘Mm hm.’

‘Good.’

They lay silently for a moment, Armie’s hand absently playing with the hem of the shirt. ‘I can’t believe you’re wearing that. I always get really gross on planes.’

‘I disagree,’ Timmy replied, gently stroking Armie’s hair. ‘Are you doing ok?’ he asked after a moment.

‘Yeah. Yeah, this is all just taking me by surprise.’

‘Yeah? You mean what I said earlier.’

‘Yeah but not just earlier. I mean just recently, in general. You’ve really - changed your tune, lately. Being so forward and open about what you want. You never expected anything from me or pushed me before. But something must have changed - and it’s good, I’m not complaining - it’s just been very sudden. Kind of an abrupt change. I’m trying to catch up to where you are.’

Of course. Timmy hadn’t even considered this. Of course he was way more demanding and expectant than other-Timmy. ‘I’m sorry if it’s been too much.’

‘No. No, I think it’s good.’ Armie lifted up the shirt slowly, revealing Timmy’s pale stomach. ‘I mean, it’s working.’ He pressed soft kisses onto his skin. Timmy stayed still, a small smile crossing his lips, as he let it happen. He felt his arousal creep up on him, and tried to keep it under control, not wanting to freak Armie out. He must have felt Timmy twisting slightly, because he placed his hands on Timmy’s hips to stop him. ‘It’s ok. I can feel it. Don’t worry.’

‘You’re not gonna freak out?’

‘I’m not gonna freak out. Just try to relax.’

‘I can’t believe you’re saying that to me - _oh_!’ Timmy jerked as he felt Armie’s warm mouth wrap around his cock. ‘You’re - you’re - _oh, shit!’_ he exclaimed, throwing his head back momentarily in ecstasy and moaning. ‘Armie, oh god,’ he exhaled, his hand coming to hold Armie’s head firmly in place as his hips began to buck slightly. Armie pulled back for a second, making Timmy yell in protest. ‘Is this ok?’ he asked.

‘Yes, yes it’s very much fucking ok just please put your mouth back - yes, oh fuck, thank you, _thank you_ ,’ Timmy responded, delirious, as Armie continued.

He felt the beginnings of his orgasm begin creeping into the pit of his stomach, his cock beginning to leak slowly as he got more and more aroused. ‘Yes, right there...like that.’ He glanced down for a second, and saw Armie, cheeks hollowing beautifully around Timmy...then he looked up, directly into Timmy’s eyes for a burning, fiery second, at the same moment that he pushed his tongue onto to the tip of his cock. This combination made Timmy moan and spasm in delight.

When he came, Armie swallowed every drop of him and then shifted slightly so that his head rested on Timmy’s chest. Neither of them said anything for a good moment.

‘Was it - was I ok?’ Armie asked quietly.

‘Were you ok - oh god, Armie, you were incredible,’ Timmy whispered, stroking his cheek. ‘I can’t even believe you just did that.’

‘I wanted to. I had to.’

‘You were really good…’

‘I did some googling before I came out of the bedroom.’

‘You - what?’

‘I hadn’t really done that before, and I didn’t want to disappoint you. So I googled just, you know, technique and stuff. I wanted you to enjoy it.’

‘You googled how to suck a dick,’ Timmy laughed.

‘Gimme a break,’ Armie said, but he was laughing too.

‘Seriously, that’s sweet of you - that you cared enough to do that.’

‘Mm. I care. I want you to know.’

Timmy shifted down so that he and Armie were face to face. He smiled. ‘Thank you.’ He stared at Armie’s lips. He couldn’t kiss them yet. He was scared that if he did, it wouldn’t feel the same as _his_ Armie’s kisses, and right now, that would destroy him. Surely it would be the same? They were the same lips. But he couldn’t be sure.

He tried to change the subject. ‘So you uh, you must have turned your phone on, then.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Was it bad?’

‘Yeah.’

‘And you took all of that in and you still came out here and blew me?’

‘You bet.’

Timmy kissed his forehead. ‘ _Armieeee_. I’m so proud of you.’

‘I woke up thinking about it. And I didn’t stop thinking about it. All the bullshit in the world can’t stop me wanting you.’

  


*******

  


A few days later, the two of them were eating a late lunch by the water. Armie had been craving hummus - ‘actual hummus, not from the grocery store’, as he’d insisted - and Timmy knew a place.

‘This is so fucking good,’ he said through a big mouthful, tahini running down his fingers.

‘I’m glad you like it,’ Timmy said happily, flicking away a stray tomato.

Things had really been...perfect, since the other night, he realised. Armie’s jetlag had kept him asleep most of the days, but he would usually rise in the late afternoon and they’d had a few amazing evenings, walking all over and hiding out in small, dimly lit restaurants and dark streets. Nothing else physical had happened but Timmy wasn’t pushing it - Armie’s realisation that he was far more expectant and demanding than other-Timmy had made him step back a little. He didn’t want to cause suspicion.

‘Hey, I’ve been thinking, if we went to a museum, we wouldn’t get photographed right? Because they have all those rules about cameras,’ Armie wondered.

‘I think people would still find a way. But, there’s nothing weird about us going to a museum.’

‘That’s true.’

‘As long as you don’t blow me again while we’re there.’

Armie laughed. ‘Well I can’t promise anything.’ He took a sip of water. ‘Speaking of - I know nothing else has happened, but I don’t plan to keep it that way.’

‘It’s ok. This isn’t just sex. Spending all this time with you has been...more than enough.’ He gently nudged Armie’s knee with his own, making him smile. ‘Have you been ok with what happened?’

‘Yeah. I’ve been sitting with it. I…’ Armie blushed a little. ‘I really liked it.’

Timmy grinned. ‘I really liked it too.’

‘I didn’t know if I would. I wanted to because I...it’s about who you are. I want you, and while I have certainly felt these pulls of physical attraction towards you, ever since we met...I didn’t know how good I’d be at acting on them. I didn’t know if it would come easily and I was worried that no matter how much I feel for you, at the end of the day, this is the body that you’re in, and I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to get past it. The male-ness. Terrified that no matter how much I want you, the simple fact that you...you know, have a dick, would be something I just couldn’t get into.’

Timmy nodded carefully. This was new territory - his Armie had never said these things. ‘You have to understand,’ Armie continued, ‘until lately, I fully believed I was straight. That you were some exception - and that as soon as I got acquainted with the physical aspects of you, it would all vanish. My agent told me it was only because you’re so…’

‘What?’

Armie sighed. ‘Feminine,’ he said quietly. Timmy rolled his eyes. ‘I know, I’m sorry. And Liz one time said you’re more woman than she is...I let them convince me that I only felt this way because you’re...small and delicate and...I mean, you’re beautiful, Timmy, you’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.’

‘So you only like me because I remind you so much of a woman?’ Timmy stared at the ground.

‘No. No, no, no. I let them convince me of that for a while, but no. Believing that was easier than actually facing myself - easier than actually acknowledging that I’m - that I am _not_ straight.’

‘I like being femme,’ Timmy said quietly. ‘I never wanted to be anything else.’

Armie looked at him, sad and apologetic. ‘I know. I never wanted you to be anything else, either.’

‘It’s just hard to think that maybe if I wasn’t this way, if I was more masculine or whatever, maybe it wouldn’t have been so easy for you to pretend and lie to yourself and convince yourself that I was some kind of glitch in your system.’

‘Oh my god...Timmy, no. No way. I’m so fucking sorry. I hate that I let myself fall so far into gender bullshit. You’re not a glitch...you’re everything to me. I...I like all of it. It turns me on, honestly. You’re so openly yourself. How you look, your hair, your body...your clothes…I really like it. I really like _you_.’ He paused, shaking his head. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘When did you acknowledge it?’

‘In Austin, I think. That’s when you started pushing me, now that I think about it. That’s when I began to let go of all the bullshit everyone said about why I felt this way and actually _let_ myself feel. And then I was on the plane on the way here, I was off of the fucking earth for a while, and I let myself think. You see, I’d never let myself think about you sexually. Not specifically, anyway - not in any kind of detail. But there was always a vague _something_ that I would put out of my mind. But up in the air, no phone, in the dark cabin...I forced myself to really go there. I had to go to the bathroom because I got so aroused,’ he confessed. Armie touched Timmy’s foot with his. ‘I’m pulled towards you because of _who_ you are, Timmy. But the fact is, you are what you are, and I...I want that, too. I realised, you being a guy is not a caveat, not a compromise or an asterisk to how I feel. And I had to stop treating it as such.’

  
They paused, just nudging each other’s feet.

‘I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, though I can’t pretend it doesn’t. But I understand why you -’

‘No, don’t do that, don’t make excuses for me. Yes, I had my reasons and external shit going on, but it doesn’t excuse that I took all the ways I feel for you and pushed that into the stupid boxes of toxic masculinity to try and make sense of it.’

‘You have always existed inside that awful fucking hetero-masculine system, what else were you supposed to do?’

‘Be better. Be a better man, for you. Be the man you deserve.’ He paused. ‘Let these feelings break me _out_ of that system, not sink further into it.’

That’s when Timmy realised the difference between the two Armie’s. His Armie had taken the way he felt for Timmy and smashed through everything until he could fully and openly act on it and follow it through to every conclusion. But this Armie had twisted his feelings so that they were still compatible in a toxic system, and in doing so, the way he felt about Timmy had come to feel toxic in itself: dangerous, wrong...and fatal.

‘Ohhh, Armie,’ Timmy whispered. ‘I wish I could take your hand.’

Armie picked up the water bottle and held it towards Timmy, who took it and let his fingers linger on Armie’s meaningfully.

‘You can’t change the past. But what matters is where you are now, and how you deal with these feelings _here_ and _now_. And I think you’re doing a good job.’

Armie nodded. ‘Thank you for pushing me. I thought you’d given up on me a long time ago.’

Timmy couldn’t really respond to that, so he said ‘I’ll keep pushing you, if you want. And I’m gonna keep being femme.’

‘Please,’ Armie whispered, smiling. ‘Yes. Please, don’t let my bullshit change anything. I - I really like it. You’re so beautiful, sometimes I really can’t believe it. I can’t believe you even look my way.’

‘You’re beautiful too.’ Armie blushed. Timmy had an idea. ‘Let’s go shopping later and you can tell me what I should wear.’

‘Oh, I don’t wanna tell you what to do…’ Timmy gave him an incredibly sexy sideways look, biting his lip, looking all once innocent and seductive. Armie’s eyebrows quirked up in surprise. ‘Oh, you...you _want_ me to tell you what to do?’ Timmy nodded, letting out a breath. ‘Jesus, Timmy,’ Armie whispered.

They held each other’s gaze, Timmy’s face shooting him the most intense combination of arousal and...and submission, which made Armie’s eyes hungry and lustful.

Then Armie’s phone rang, snapping them both out of it. Both of their smiles fell - they knew it was going to be a sour dose of reality. Armie took it out of his pocket.

‘It’s - it’s Brian,’ he said, frowning.

Timmy groaned. ‘He’s probably calling you because I’ve basically given up answering him.’

‘Should I answer?’

‘I’ll do it. It’s ok.’ He took the phone from Armie. ‘Hey Brian.’

‘Timmy?’

‘Yeah.’

‘So. How’s the falafel?’

Timmy swallowed. ‘Uh, what?’

‘I’m looking at photos of you right now.’

Timmy looked around. There weren’t any photographers...but there were plenty of people across the Seine with cellphones. Someone must have taken photos of them. ‘Why do you care? We aren’t - we’re just eating lunch.’

Armie looked at him, concerned. Timmy turned away from him slightly. The last thing he wanted was to give Armie another reason to take five steps backwards again.

‘Timmy. All I’ve seen the past 24 hours is the two of you gallivanting around Paris, looking - looking -’

‘Like what, Brian?’

‘You both look incredibly...happy. And it looks strange.’

‘You’re - you’re mad because you think we look too happy? Ok, I’ll be sure to burst into tears a few times when I go out later, thanks so much for the tip.’

‘Don’t get smart with me. We haven’t even talked about the fucking shirt yet.’

‘Oh, Jesus, don’t people have _lives_? Why do you all care so much about this? It was for me, he did it for _me_ , not for you.’

‘That’s very obvious, and that’s exactly the problem. Him wearing it is one thing, but you? Instagram is covered in photos of you in Montmartre, from last night - in that shirt. Now everyone thinks you’re sharing clothes.’

‘I don’t care what everyone thinks. Besides, that shirt is special.’

‘Look, Tim, I’m not gonna talk about it anymore. I just hope the two of you see sense and bring this Parisian detour from your real lives to an end. I know it might feel magical right now. But don’t forget that across the ocean, things go on - and what you do right now will have consequences.’

‘I...really just do not care,’ Timmy said earnestly. He’d dealt with the worst consequences possible back in his world. Anything here was small potatoes for him - though of course not for Armie. He was glad he hadn’t put Brian on speaker.

Brian exhaled, irritated. ‘You have ten days and then you have to be in England. I will come drag you onto the plane myself if I have to, and that’s a promise.’

‘I don’t know if I want to -’

‘Nope, I’m not going to indulge in that. I’ll see you in ten days. And Tim, don’t wear the shirt again. It’s far too big. It looked ridiculous, just slung on like that.’

‘Oh, I hear you - I’ll be sure to wear it differently, accessorize it better, thanks for the tip, really.’

‘That’s not what I -’

‘Au revoir.’ Timmy hung up and then immediately blocked the number on Armie’s phone before passing it back. ‘He won’t be bothering you anymore. Now, where were we?’

  


*******

  


They ended up in Louis Vuitton, since apparently he could afford that now, and the manager closed most of the shop down for them, only letting a handful of customers browse.

‘See anything you like? Armie asked.

Timmy turned to him. ‘Do you?’ His eyes and tone of voice instantly became blank again, as they had before, as if on cue, making Armie smile.

‘I...I don’t know, I don’t know much about clothes,’ he murmured. ‘You look good in anything.’

Timmy stepped closer to him. ‘Look around, imagine what would look good on me. What would please you to see me wear. I want to please you. Pleasing you pleases me. So. Tell me what would _please_ you.’

Armie looked to the side, absently touching a shirt. Timmy wondered if he’d gone too far. Then Armie blinked and looked back at him, his eyes suddenly dark. ‘This,’ he said, firm, handing the shirt to Timmy, and strode away, looking for more. Timmy smiled, pleased with himself for helping Armie tap into more of himself, more of his desires.

  


*******

  


They arrived home, laden with shopping bags. ‘Stay here,’ said Timmy, ‘I’m going to get changed for you.’

‘I’ll close my eyes,’ Armie called after him.

As he slipped into his bedroom and went through the bag he’d bought with him, beginning to figure out an ensemble...he had an idea, deciding to take a different approach - one that would surprise Armie. He quickly texted Pauline to make sure she wasn’t due home - she wasn’t, she was in classes all day and then had a friend’s birthday - and then opened the door. Armie was sitting on the couch, hands over his eyes. He looked so excited. Timmy smiled.

‘Open your eyes.’

Armie did, and they widened in shock. Timmy was completely naked.

‘Timmy…’ he whispered, awed.

‘You know it occured to me,’ Timmy said, making his way towards Armie, ‘that you only bought me all those clothes so you could take them off.’ Armie was blushing. ‘So I figured I’d save you some time.’

Armie grinned, nodded. ‘Let’s cut right to it, then.’

Timmy straddled him and began sucking on his neck, one arm wrapped around his neck and the other beginning to stroke himself.

‘Don’t touch yourself,’ Armie said in a low, commanding voice. Timmy immediately stopped. ‘Good.’

Armie suddenly swung them around, tossing Timmy onto the couch and beginning to tease his nipples. ‘Shit, Armie,’ he moaned, feeling himself becoming harder. ‘ I’m - you need to…’

‘Say _please_ ,’ Armie growled.

‘Please - please, Armie, I’m so hard…’

Armie’s strong hand took his cock and began working it, making Timmy spasm and moan in delight.

‘Don’t come until I say,’ he ordered.

Timmy let out a groan that was equal parts turned on and amused frustration. ‘Ohhh, fuckkkk,’ he moaned, head tipping backwards, prompting Armie to move his mouth from his chest to his neck, which only made Timmy’s arousal grow.

‘Mm,’ Armie sighed. ‘Yes, moan for me.’ Timmy obliged easily. ‘Good. Moan, and buck your hips for me.’ Timmy did, the submission only turning him on more and more. ‘Good. You’re so good,’ Armie told him. 

Timmy felt a pleasant warmth spreading through his body at the praise. ‘Huh?’ he said, wanting to hear it again. 

Armie smiled. ‘I said, you’re so good. You’re being  _ so  _ good for me.’ Timmy groaned, feeling utterly delighted.

‘Do you want to come?’ Armie asked. Timmy nodded, desperate. Armie grinned. ‘Not just yet.’ 

Timmy moaned brokenly, his hand tangling itself in Armie’s hair. He exhaled heavily, feeling every time he breathed out more and more of his self-control leaving him - and with every time he breathed in, breathing in more submission. He didn’t know what turned him on more, breathing in or out; waves of pleasure engulfed him when he did both.

  
‘Oh, you  _ really _ want me to let you come, don’t you?’ Armie teased him.   


‘ _Mmm_ ,’ was all Timmy could manage in affirmation as his cock leaked in anticipation.

  
‘You’re doing so good for me,’ Armie whispered as he ran his thumb over the slit, making Timmy spasm and yelp a little, his eyes closed, open mouth starting to drool. ‘You’re right on the edge for me...your cock’s on fire for me, isn’t it?’

Timmy nodded furiously. ‘Are - you - pleased with me?’ he stuttered.

‘I’m so pleased. You should be pleased, too.’

‘Pleasing you - pleases _me_ ,’ Timmy moaned, his eyes rolling back into his head. 

'You look so good like this. I like seeing you like this. Your body hanging on my every word.'

‘You... _you_ control my pleasure,’ he told Armie fervently. He could feel Armie’s hardness against his own leg, and reached for his jeans. ‘Do you want me to…’

‘Not yet. You first.’

Timmy smiled. ‘Thank you.’

They continued in rhythm for a moment, the look in Armie’s eyes shifting, becoming more tender. ‘You’re so amazing, Timmy,’ he whispered. ‘For doing this.’

‘I wanted to.’ He pulled Armie closer, feeling his hot breath roll over his face.

‘Come. Come for me  _now_.’

That was all it took for Timmy to practically explode into Armie’s hand, with a loud, shuddering groan.

Armie shifted to lie with him, head on his chest, as Timmy recovered blissfully from his orgasm. ‘That was so good, Armie,’ he sighed happily.

‘Are you ok with it? I mean, I know that’s not exactly...normal, that whole dynamic.’

‘It’s more than ok. And I think it’s more normal than you think. But I liked it.’

‘I mean, I’m obviously into that, but I don’t want you to force yourself to do things, or to be a certain way, if you’re not into it. Don’t just do it for me.’

‘Armie, believe me, I really like it.’ Timmy had actually almost forgotten just how much he loved being submissive - after everything that had happened, his Armie had pushed his dominant urges down, scared of what he was capable of. ‘I’m telling you, one command from you, one word...and I melt.’

‘Yeah? Really?’

‘Really. I spend so much time overthinking everything. It’s so fucking good to let someone else take control, let myself go totally blank...I know it sounds kinda antithetical to who I am, but I swear, every time I take all the focus off of my own thoughts, every time I do what you want me to do...I get so fucking hard. I swear, I’m not pretending. I really liked that. I really like doing that with you.’

Armie nuzzled into him. ‘Thank you for letting me do that with you,’ he said softly. ‘I hope you know, I - I don’t like respect you any less and if you ever feel like I don’t care, or I’m upsetting you, I will always stop. I don’t want it to be bad for you.’

‘Of course. And I never doubted any of that for a second, just so you know.’

They cuddled for a few minutes, listening to each other's breath, before Timmy remembered something. ‘Hey. You were totally getting aroused back there for a moment.’ He ran a hand down Armie’s chest. ‘Let me take care of you, now.’

‘You sure?’

‘Of course I’m sure.’ Timmy felt so excited.

‘Uh, can we keep it to hands and mouth stuff for now? I do want to actually have sex, I just have no real idea how that all unfolds, how it all happens. I want it. It’s just that I don’t anticipate that first time - maybe first couple of times - being so good, you know?’

‘Yeah, of course. I understand. I planned to take it slow anyways. But whenever you are ready - you don’t need to worry about it, and it’s ok if it isn’t amazing. First times never are.’

‘Thank you.’ Armie ran his thumb gently over Timmy’s jaw. Timmy could tell he really wanted to kiss him. But he couldn’t bring himself to do that yet. He knew it was going to become more and more obvious the longer he didn’t do it - to Armie, it was only a kiss, but Timmy knew it could break him if it wasn’t right, if it wasn’t the same.

He ducked his head, moving to undo Armie’s jeans. He was still half-hard from before.

‘Tell me if you want me to stop,’ he said, as he slicked his fingers with his own ejaculate, still wet, and carefully inserted one into Armie, who gasped in surprise. ‘Is that ok?’

‘Uh huh,’ Armie nodded breathily. ‘Just a new sensation…’ Timmy added another finger and began moving back and forth, coaxing Armie towards pleasure. Armie began gently grinding into his fingers, the response almost automatic. ‘Oh, huh, wow…’ Armie murmured as he took it all in.

‘We can stop if it gets too much,’ Timmy assured him, kissing his neck.

‘I don’t want to stop,’ he said, closing his eyes.

‘That’s it. Let yourself feel it. Just relax,’ Timmy encouraged. He knew exactly how to make Armie feel good. He knew his body, after all - that was his advantage.

Armie let out a long, blissful moan. ‘Oh my _god_ , Timmy...there was something, just then, I think you - _oh_ , yeah, right there - _right there_ , oh _shit_ ,’ he groaned, his grinding becoming a little faster.

Timmy was teasing him, brushing his sweet spot, before habitually adding a third finger. Armie winced slightly but kept moaning. Timmy withdrew the third finger, going back to two - it occurred to him that this Armie had never been stretched out before; his asshole was untouched, and since he wasn’t about to fuck him, he didn’t need to add a third. He knew he could do this with two, and that way he wouldn’t hurt so much.

Armie was now incredibly hard, moaning and grinding helplessly beneath Timmy. He looked so peaceful. Timmy smiled, happy for him. He dug his fingers a little deeper, eliciting a sudden moan from Armie, which in turn made him happy too. He toyed with Armie’s nipple with his free hand, and spoke soothingly, encouragingly, ‘that’s it...that’s it...I know you can come just from my fingers, babe, I know you can do it,’ he said, calling him babe before he could stop himself. Armie’s eyes opened and Timmy saw they were shining. ‘You - you ok?’

‘I’m - _mm_ , more than ok,’ Armie assured him. ‘I’m so - _ohhh_ ,’ he came right then, easily, beautifully. He smiled up at Timmy, tugging him towards his face. Timmy kissed the top of his head, and then lay on Armie’s chest, feeling so fucking happy.

‘That was good for you?’

‘That was...so good,’ Armie assured him, then sniffed slightly. Timmy looked up and saw a tear fall down Armie’s cheek. He immediately sat up.

‘What’s wrong? I went too far, didn’t I? Shit…’

‘No, no, no - you were perfect,’ Armie assured him, sitting up too and holding Timmy’s face, kissed his forehead. ‘I’m just...a little overwhelmed. Nobody’s ever...I mean, that was just so new.’

‘First thought,’ Timmy whispered, prodding his chest.

Armie smiled. ‘Can’t get anything past you...I was gonna say, nobody’s ever taken care of me like that.’

‘Oh, Armie…’

Another tear fell, which Timmy wiped away. ‘I was worried to let you do anything to me. It’s hard for me to be the one to receive, anything, ever. And when you touched me like that, when I felt your first finger...I felt so vulnerable, I felt like I was giving myself to you in a way that really scared me at first. But you made me feel so _safe_. And it was overwhelming - I’ve never felt that way before. I’ve never felt like I could just...lay down and let somebody take care of me, so completely. I could only let you do it, I think.’

Timmy smiled. ‘I’m so sorry that you’ve never had anyone take care of you until now.’ He took Armie’s hand and locked their fingers. ‘This, you and me, this is a two-way street. We take care of each other. It’s never going to be just one of us always doing one thing, and the other always doing the other. We both need to be taken care of, by each other.’

Armie kissed his hand. ‘I’d like that. Don’t get me wrong, I like to be...dominant,’ he murmured. ‘But I’ve never felt like anyone cared for me the way I just did while you were touching me so deep.’

Timmy nodded. ‘That’s not about being dom or sub, that’s just...that’s just us.’ He was going to say love, but he stopped himself. Armie nodded, maybe knowing what he meant. Timmy pulled his head to his chest and held Armie close. ‘I will always take care of you. Always.’

  


*******

  


Later, he called Pauline.

‘Timmy! Oh my god, did you guys fuck? Tell me you did!’

He rolled his eyes. ‘We did...stuff,’ he told her.

‘Agh, I’m so happy for you!’

‘Don’t tell your friends, ok? Pauline, no-one can know.’

‘No, I know. I haven’t even told anyone he’s in Paris. Don’t worry. Why are you calling anyways?’

‘Oh, yeah - I was wondering if I could borrow some, uh, clothes.’

‘From me?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I mean, sure, take what you want...you need anything in particular?’

‘Yeah, I need some sort of like, tight black...pants or something? But really tight.’

Pauline laughed. ‘Um, try the second drawer? There’s leggings and stuff, maybe that’d work?’

He opened the drawer. ‘I don’t know if leggings are right, the material might not be...oh. Oh, damn.’

‘What?’

‘I found the perfect thing.’

‘What is it?’

‘Honestly...there will be photos.’

He swiped eyeliner pencil from her dresser and left the room.

  


*******

  


Armie banged on the bathroom door. ‘Timmy, come on, I’m starving.’

‘I know, I know. Nearly done.’

‘You’ve been in there an hour.’

‘Beauty takes time.’

‘You’re already beautiful.’

‘When you see, you’ll understand.’

‘Ok...ok…’

Timmy adjusted his belt. Almost done.

‘Oh, Timmy, by the way’ Armie’s voice called out.

‘Yeah?’

‘Have you seen the shirt? The Elio one? I was maybe gonna wash it but I can’t find it anywhere.’

Timmy grinned. Armie was gonna love this. ‘Well, I might have had a little something to do with that.’ He opened the bathroom door and stepped out.

Armie, sitting on the edge of the couch, turned to look at him. When he saw, he simply slid onto the floor, his mouth falling open, gazing at Timmy in wonder. ‘What...what even…’ he stuttered.

Timmy smiled. ‘You like?’

All Armie could do was nod.

He was wearing the Elio shirt, only it was so long on him that it went partway down his thighs, like a short dress. It was also absolutely massive on him, so he’d cinched it with a thick black belt, incredibly tight around his middle. It was baggy above and below, with the thick black strip highlighting his wafer thin body. The top was mostly unbuttoned, revealing a sinfully deep V, a long silver necklace glinting against his pale chest. Beneath that, he had very tight black leather leggings, and he was again wearing the white suede ankle boots.

His hair was flowing and voluminous, just messy enough, framing his face. His eyes had a hint, a smudge, of eyeliner.

Timmy smiled at Armie. ‘Knew you’d lose your shit.’ He held out a hand - covered in thick rings and bracelets - to help Armie up.

‘Timmy... _Timmy_ …’ Armie murmured. ‘You’re so beautiful. This is so unbelievably sexy.’

‘Not too much?’

‘You are never too much. I like this...a _lot_ ,’ he told him, running a hand down the exposed part of Timmy’s chest.

‘When we get home,’ Timmy leaned to whisper in his ear, ‘you can do anything you want to me. And me to you. I’m yours.’

‘Jesus. I won’t be able to make it through dinner.’

‘Make sure you save enough room for dessert,’ he said as he licked Armie’s cheek. ‘Just so we’re clear - I’m your dessert.’

Armie growled slightly, grabbed Timmy’s neck and began sucking urgently on him. Timmy sighed happily. ‘Oh, that’s...that’s gonna leave a mark.’

‘Good,’ Armie said as he pulled back, licking his lips. ‘Let everyone see how I marked you.’

Timmy almost kissed him. Almost.

He touched the newly forming mark on his neck happily, then began walking towards the door. ‘Oh, and Armie?’

‘Yeah?’

‘I’m not wearing any underwear.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ! ! !
> 
> what did you think?? did you like it?? I still cannot believe I dreamed up that look for Timmy.
> 
> let me know in the comments if you liked it!! I will respond to all :))) love you all, thanks for reading <3 <3 <3


	7. chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **PLEASE READ BEFORE CHAPTER**
> 
> This chapter is short because I wanted to get you all back into the story - BUT long chapter that deals with this setup is coming TOMORROW. I just think this is a good little teaser, a tasty squeeze before all the MAJOR JUICE. So don't worry - I'm not giving you this and nothing else. Long chapter tomorrow.
> 
> OK SO.  
> I know it's been a minute. Long story but major life shit got in the way, both work, both jobs, and big personal life shit - all the bombshells hit at once.  
> I am really really sorry that the story suffered and you've all been left hanging. I hope you can understand. But stuff shifted and now writing this is my big feel good escape.  
> I am gonna get around to responding to the rest of the comments from the last chapter asap.
> 
> I hope you like this and get READY for what's next! <3

The next morning, Timmy rolled over in his bed, discovering that he was alone. After a long night of sinfully good sexual acts (though not all the way yet), he and Armie had gone to bed together, wanting to stay close to each other. He’d been looking forward to waking up beside Armie again, for the first time since being in this world, so he felt a little pang of disappointment.

When he walked into the kitchen, he discovered Armie sitting at the table, stirring a coffee listlessly.

‘Morning,’ Timmy said brightly, wrapping his arms around Armie’s neck from behind, and kissing his temple. Armie wasn’t responsive, just stayed totally still. Timmy didn’t think anything of it. Maybe he was just tired. ‘So I was thinking we could actually go to a museum today, since we uh, didn’t get around to that yesterday,’ he said laughing, ‘and I know you mentioned wanting to do that.’

Armie shrugged, didn’t say anything.

‘What do you think?’

‘Sure. Whatever.’ Armie’s tone was flat, dull.

‘Or...maybe you should go back to bed for a bit if you’re still a little tired,’ Timmy said carefully.

‘I’m not tired, Timmy.’ Armie wasn’t looking at him.

‘Dude, it’s ok, LA to Europe is the worst jetlag, don’t worry about it.’

‘I said I’m not tired.’

Timmy sat down next to him. ‘Well, it just seems like you’re in a bad mood. Did something happen?’

‘You could say that.’

‘Was it Liz? Your agent? What happened?’

‘No, it wasn’t anyone from back home.’

‘Then...what?’

Armie didn’t say anything for a moment. Then he got up and put his cup by the sink. ‘Which museum do you wanna go to?’

‘I mean, it’s up to you, I’ve done most of them before. And it was your idea in the first place.’

‘Right.’ Armie still wasn’t looking at him.

‘Armie. Tell me what’s going on, please,’ Timmy begged, starting to become worried.

‘Who is he, Timmy?’

Timmy frowned. ‘Who? What do you mean?’

‘Who is he? The guy you _love_ , that you _love so much_ , who the fuck is he, and does he know you’re making a fool out of him? Out of him and me both?’

‘Armie, what the actual fuck are you talking about?’ Timmy was genuinely stunned by what he was saying.

‘I know there’s someone else, ok?’ Armie’s arms were crossed defensively, his eyes shining with furious tears.

‘There’s no-one else, why would you even think...did you read some bullshit story online about me? Armie, what the fuck is this?’

‘This is why you won’t kiss me, isn’t it?’

He’d got him there. ‘I...don’t know what you mean.’

‘Timmy, every time we almost kiss, you move your head away or look down. I thought maybe you wanted to wait until something more significant happened between us. But now I know. It was the one thing you were keeping for your - your secret boyfriend.’

‘There is no secret boyfriend!’ Timmy practically screamed; he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. ‘Where did you even get this idea?’

‘From you, you idiot.’ He took out his phone. ‘Last night. You really like to talk in your sleep.’

Timmy’s heart sank. Oh shit, what the hell had he revealed?

‘You woke me up, and I wasn’t sure I’d remember all this. Plus I didn’t want to give you the chance to deny it. So.’ He put his phone on the counter and pressed play on a voice memo.

_‘Baby...oh baby, I miss you so much...you can’t be mad, ok, please don’t be mad at me for this...what am I supposed to do, you’re not here and I miss you...and Armie’s here, he’s doing so good and he’s...oh god, we had the best day…’_

The sound of Timmy’s sleepy voice filled the kitchen, and his head fell into his hands.

_‘Armie’s getting there, he’s doing so good, I think...oh baby, today he tugged me off and it was so fucking hot...I let him be dominant and ohhh, love, I didn’t realise how much I missed that. Remember our times doing it like that, before...oh love, I miss that with you, I missed letting you take control of me like that...it hasn’t been like that in over a year, babe...fuckkkkk…’_

Timmy looked up at Armie, who was crying.

_‘I love you...I swear, I love you, I love you...please don’t be mad, you can’t blame me, right? I love you so much...but...I think it’s safe to say you’re gone forever and Armie’s different now and I think this could be good...I can make this work, not being with you. I love you -’_

Armie stopped the recording. ‘I can’t hear any more, not again,’ he murmured.

‘Armie, Armie, this is not what you think,’ Timmy said urgently.

‘Fuck you. I can’t believe you pushed me so much and made me feel so...I felt so good and so safe with you and I started thinking of a fucking future, and you had someone else the whole time?’

‘Armie, I swear, this really isn’t what it sounds like -’

‘You have some secret boyfriend who you love and I guess he dumped you or it’s long distance or something, I don’t know - either way, fuck you, Timmy, I can’t believe you would do this.’

‘Armie -’ Timmy tried to take his hands, but he jerked away.

‘Don’t fucking touch me. Don’t you ever fucking touch me again.’ He took a couple of deep breaths.

‘Armie. I swear, I promise - I can’t explain, but this isn’t what you think. It really, really isn’t.’

‘Then what is it?’

‘I...I can’t explain it.’

Armie shook his head. ‘Fuck you.’ He headed for the door.

‘Armie - no, don’t go - you can’t seriously think I love anyone but you - you - fuck, I love you, please don’t go!’

‘I don’t even know who you are anymore, Timothée.’

The door slammed behind him.

‘ARMIEEEEE!’ Timmy yelled desperately. He opened the door but Armie had already gone down the stairs, his long strides making him move fast. Timmy ran to the window and looked out. He saw him on the street. ‘ARMIE!’ Armie half glanced up, then stopped himself. ‘Armie, come back - or wait there,’ Timmy yelled. Armie began to walk. Timmy took a deep breath. It was only the second floor, he’d be fine, he’d be fine...he flung himself out of the window, yelling loudly as he did so, causing screams from a few of the people on the street. He landed by Armie’s feet.

‘What the fuck? What the fuck are you doing?’ Armie asked him, shocked.

‘You can’t walk away thinking what you’re thinking right now.’ Timmy grabbed Armie’s hands tightly, not letting him let go as he pulled himself up and looked at him seriously. ‘Armie. There’s something I have to tell you.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please please let me know what you thought!! I know it's short but I thought it was too WOW to put into a big long chapter...and since it's been a while I wanted to ease you back in!!!
> 
> lemme know your thoughts and get ready for tomorrow...watch this space... xo xo


	8. chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **IF YOU DID NOT READ THE SHORT TEASER PUBLISHED YESTERDAY, MAKE SURE YOU SKIP ONE CHAPTER BACK TO READ THAT, OTHERWISE THIS WILL NOT MAKE SENSE!!!**
> 
> aghhh I'm so glad you were all so excited by the teaser!!! here is the main chapter!!! ENJOY!!!

**_'We are not written for one instrument alone; I am not, neither are you.'_ **

_\- André Aciman, Call Me By Your Name_

 

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

 

‘So. Ok. Ok. Ok,’ Timmy paced back and forth. ‘God, I don’t know where to begin.’ He gripped the kitchen counter to steady himself.

‘Why don’t you start at the beginning?’ Armie suggested. ‘That’s usually the best way.’

  
‘This is going to sound insane, ok? Ok. Ok. Fuck.’

‘Timmy, you can tell me anything.’

‘I know, but this is like nothing else…’

‘I feel like you’re just stalling.’

‘No, I’m...oh god. Ok. Fuck, ok.’ He took a deep breath. ‘In the voice memo. In my sleep, I mean. I was talking to...I was talking to you.’

Armie frowned. ‘You were talking _about_ me, but you were addressing -’

‘You. I was addressing you, only...it was another version of you.’

‘I’m lost.’

‘Do you believe in parallel universes?’

Armie didn’t say anything, just stared at him, becoming incredulous. Timmy continued, ‘there is a parallel universe, where things are different, and - and you and I are, well, we’re married, Armie.’ Armie kept staring at him, silent. ‘And I’m from _that_ universe. I’ve lived my whole life there, fallen in love with the Armie there, married him. And one day I woke up here, and you weren’t my husband...I have no idea why this has happened. But all I’ve wanted and all I’ve done since being here is tried to get things to how they should be, because I’m not fucking interested in any other version of my life unless you’re my husband.’

There was a long silence.

‘Say something, Armie, please.’

Armie took another moment. ‘I...I can’t fucking believe you’re saying this.’

‘I know, it’s insane -’

‘I can’t fucking believe that you seriously expect me to be so stupid that I’d fall for this ludicrous story that you’ve clearly just now made up.’

‘Armie, no, this is the truth - I swear.’

‘This is _ridiculous_.’

‘I know it doesn’t make any sense -’

‘I’m - Jesus, I’m honestly disgusted that you tried to do this. At least come up with something fucking _feasible_ and _realistic_ , Timmy.’

‘I’m telling you the truth!’

‘This is - actually, yeah, this is fucking offensive.’ Armie took a step back. ‘Yeah, I’m leaving. Fuck you. I’m out. Call your fucking boyfriend,’ he said as he strode out the door.

‘ARMIE.’

Timmy ran right after him this time, not letting him get away.

‘Timmy, fuck off, seriously.’

Armie began walking down the stairs. Timmy grabbed the banister and vaulted over, wrapping his arms and legs around Armie, making the older man stumble. Timmy gripped him tight. ‘You are _not_ leaving, Armie.’

‘Jesus fucking Christ, Tim.’

Armie stood still.

‘I’m not letting go,’ Timmy told him, wrapping himself even tighter. Armie turned his head, meeting his eyes, very close to him. Timmy pressed his forehead to Armie’s. ‘I know. Ok, I know,’ he whispered. ‘I’m really sorry. I thought you’d never need to know. But it’s true, it’s true, I fucking swear.’ They looked at each other. ‘I have never lied to you - you _know_ I’d never lie, especially not about this. Armie...every move I’ve made since Austin has been about you, all for you, all because of you. I love you. I love you. I love you so fucking much.’

Armie, in a sudden movement, violently jerked, loosening Timmy’s grip, and he shrugged him off, holding up his hand to warn Timmy not to come near again. Timmy bit his lip but stayed put. He continued talking.

‘Armie, it’s broken my heart since the second I woke up in this world that you’re not mine...when I know how it could all be. I...well, I won’t get into how it could be, it’d freak you out.’

Armie shook his head. ‘This is ridiculous. You’re completely ridiculous,’ he whispered. ‘No. No way.’ He began walking swiftly away.

Timmy tried to follow him, yelling after him. ‘The idea that there’s anyone but you...anyone but you taking up space in my mind, or in my heart...that I would talk to anyone but you...Armie, _that’s_ ridiculous.’

‘Don’t fucking follow me. I don’t want to look at you.’ Armie’s hand was on the door.

‘Armie, this is the truth, I swear - please, please believe me.’

‘I never thought you were such a fucking liar, Timmy,’ Armie said, opening the door and leaving. Timmy took one step after him, but Armie pushed him back inside. ‘Do not fucking follow me. I fucking mean it. Leave me the fuck alone, I cannot look at you.’

‘You know I’m not a liar,’ Timmy said, voice breaking. Armie didn’t respond, just walked away from him. ‘You know I’m not a fucking liar!’ he screamed.

 

*******

 

Upstairs, Timmy closed the door, slid down against it until he was on the floor, and wept.

His phone almost immediately began buzzing, and he bolted to the cupboard, believing it was Armie. It was Brian. He groaned and rejected the call. Brian called again. Timmy answered, and screamed down the phone, ‘leave me the fuck alone, I don’t need this right now - I don’t care, I don’t care, leave me _alone_.’

‘Tim, Timmy - I wanted to check that you’re ok.’

Brian’s voice was soft, kind - like how it normally was, in his own world. Timmy paused. ‘Huh?’

‘I saw it. I saw how upset you were.’

‘What - how?’

‘Timmy, any time you show your face, people film it and put it on the internet. You know this.’

‘Right, sure,’ Timmy murmured.

‘Look, kid - I know I’ve been really hard on you lately. For a while, even. I’m sorry. I am. I took no joy in it. But...it’s clear now that you’re in pain. And it’s also very clear that you absolutely won’t stay in the closet, or hide...whatever it is that you and Armie have.’ Timmy tried and failed to stifle a sob. ‘Oh, honey. Look, what I’m trying to say is - we can do it your way. Ok? I surrender. I don’t want you to feel like this. So. It won’t be easy. But fuck it. I can’t make you something you’re not. And if you’re hurting...I don’t want you to be hurting, Tim. So. Let’s talk about it, let’s figure it all out.’

‘Brian...dude...oh, thank you,’ Timmy sobbed down the phone. ‘Thank you.’

‘I haven’t been in your corner for a while, have I? I’m sorry. Really. But I am now.’

‘I guess it looks really bad, huh?’

‘You jumping out a window? Screaming after him as he leaves your sister’s apartment - where, I’m pretty sure, he’s been staying, given other evidence? Yeah. Well - not bad, it looks...it looks like something’s going on.’  
‘I mean, it is.’

‘Mm hm. And - well, you’re certainly one for dramatics.’

‘Quelle surprise,’ Timmy said dully. Brian laughed. ‘Do you want to tell me what you guys fought about?’

‘He...thinks I’m lying to him about something. But I’m not, I’m not.’

‘Ok.’

‘I guess...there might be nothing to figure out. He’s probably never talking to me again.’

‘That’ll make the sequel difficult,’ Brian said.

‘Sequel? To Call Me By Your Name?’

‘Tim, you _know_ this. A billion people asked you about it on the press tour.’

‘Right, uh huh, right.’ He needed to do some fucking research.

‘Look, give him a minute to cool off. Armie’s pretty reactionary, right?’

‘Yeah,’ Timmy agreed.

‘It’s gonna be ok. I think...you two...there has always been something there that isn’t normal, isn’t common - is clearly incredibly deep. It’s all over your faces when you’re together. That’s why I’ve been so hard on you. No-one needs to do crazy detective work to figure out that something’s going on - it’s always so obvious. I try to keep you apart because when you’re together it’s so clear that you two, I mean, that you love each other, Tim.’

‘You believe he loves me?’

‘I believe he does. I got so mad when you guys did the European leg. I tried to keep you out of the public eye because any time you get asked about him, you light up - and him with you, too. And you both find ways to talk about each other without even being prompted.’

‘He’s always on my mind.’

‘Yeah. I’m sorry I’ve been so hard on you. I didn’t want you to get hurt - because believe me, there will be prices to pay if you’re serious about living your life this way - but it’s clear that to stay closeted would hurt you even more. I don’t want that for you.’

‘Staying closeted is not an option,’ Timmy insisted.

‘Yes, you’ve made that clear. I don’t know what changed, but you’ve made yourself loud and clear. I’m on your team, ok? I wanna help you, now.’

‘Thank you. Really. Thank you.’

‘Armie’s probably just taking a walk, thinking everything over. I’m sure when he’s calmed down, he’ll be able to see everything clearly and he’ll be able to see that you’re telling the truth.’

‘Mm.’ Timmy half agreed. Maybe if Armie thought back over everything, he’d see the evidence - note the changes in Timmy’s behaviour. He decided to try and give Armie some time. He’d text him in a bit.

‘Just promise you won’t jump out of any more windows,’ Brian ordered.

‘I’ll try.’

‘Timmy.’

‘Yeah, yeah. Ok.’ He paused. ‘Does this mean all my films are cancelled?’

‘What? No, no. The King is locked in. Plus it’s Netflix, they’re more open minded than other studios. And it’s Shakespeare. They’re not gonna pull the money just because you’re gay.’

‘Ok.’

‘We’ll have to figure out an entire strategy - since you’ll have Beautiful Boy promotion kicking in, in the fall.’

‘I don’t want it to overshadow that - it’s actually an important topic...wait, would it fuck up that film being distributed?’

‘I...I really don’t know. Not entirely. Plus it’s already a difficult film.’

‘Maybe it’s unfair, to Nic and David...they waited like ten years to get this made, I don’t wanna fuck it up.’

‘Ok, Tim, breathe - it’s my job to have these conversations, to figure this out. Ok?’

‘And after Beautiful Boy, then...I’m done, right? Or like, after The King comes out. Then I’m done, aren’t I?’

‘I think Greta wants you for something. She wants to meet with you in England.’

‘Oh. That’d be nice,’ Timmy said, genuinely meaning it. ‘I like her. But...oh, but I don’t want to fuck things up for her. It’s so hard for women directors...the last thing she needs is me and some gay scandal ruining her film and career.’

‘That’s why I can plan ahead, now, and control it, so that it doesn’t become a scandal.’

Timmy sighed. ‘I’ve been thinking for so long that it was only about me and Armie - and, like, Liz and their kids - but it affects other people too, who’ve worked really hard…they don’t deserve the damage I’d do by association.’

He was already aware of how, in his own world, their relationship had sunk Call Me By Your Name when the ship had barely set sail; a film that, aside from being a genuinely stunning, unique feat of art, was also the product of many people’s hard work, that would now go unnoticed, and also, something that could mean a lot to a lot of people, that they’d now never discover. While he hated the fame here, it was at least a reminder of just how special and impactful that film was, and how their relationship had effectively killed any chance it had. _Not our relationship_ , he could hear his Armie saying, _but everyone’s bullshit_. But Timmy had never quite been able to so easily see it that way.

‘Tim, really, it’s ok. It’s going to be ok.’

‘You’ve spent months trying to avoid this very scenario, excuse me if I have a hard time believing that it’s all going to be ok.’

‘I exaggerated a little. Look...it’s not like I never thought about this, in the back of my mind. Just give me some time to get a strategy together. We can discuss in England, ok?’

‘Ok.’

‘Give Armie some time. You don’t need to have it all figured out right now anyway. This is gonna be a long process.’

‘Mm hm.’

‘Are you gonna be alright?’

‘Yeah. Yeah, Pauline’s here. I’ll be fine. I’ll see you soon.’

‘Ok, sounds good.’

‘Hey uh, thank you, Brian. I know this isn’t easy for you, or what you signed up for.’

‘Don’t apologise. I’ve been an asshole. I’m sorry I didn’t see how serious this was until now. But now, I’m here for you. I want to make this a success.’

‘Thank you. I - I forgive you.’ His phone buzzed - another incoming call. ‘Hey, I gotta go, someone else is calling me.’

‘Ok. Good talk. Stay safe, Tim.’

‘Will do. Bye.’ Timmy went to take the other call. It was Luca. ‘Luca?’

‘Ciao tesoro, how are you doing?’

‘I’ve been better,’ he admitted.

‘I had to call you, I just got off the phone with Armie.’

‘Oh fuck,’ Timmy’s eyes widened. ‘He called you?’

‘No, I called him. Ferdi showed me these videos of you - he follows you both quite closely, you know that of course - and when I saw you screaming, crying that you’re not a liar...oh, I knew exactly what had happened. And your spectacular stunt there, too. Quite impressive. I will hold onto that for future reference. But yes, I had intended to leave you alone a little longer, but then I saw this and I had to catch up with you sooner than I planned.’

‘What...what did you say to Armie?’

Luca laughed. ‘Oh, he picked up and said, _this is really not a good time, man_ , and I insisted, I implored, _oh, Armie, mio caro, he is not lying to you, he is telling you the truth!_ And then he listened to me.’

‘Oh Luca, _thank you_ ,’ Timmy said, smiling.

‘Of course. I told him of our conversation - not all the details, don’t worry - and how I saw almost straight away that you were different. I think it was good to hear it from me, too.’

‘He believes it, then?’

‘I think he’s starting to. I think he knows you’d never lie. And hopefully, if he goes back over the recent past, things will start to make sense according to this narrative, now.’

‘Yeah that’s what I hope. Ohhhh fuck. I didn’t want him to find out like this. I didn’t really want him to find out at all.’

‘Oh, but he had to know sometime, Timothée. You could not go your whole life beside Armie without him knowing the truth.’

‘You think I’ll be here my whole life?’

‘How should I know? I do not know how these things work.’

‘Do you think I could be with Armie? For...forever?’

‘Absolutely. I know very much how _these_ things work. What you have is deeper and truer than most other people ever even know is possible to find.’

Timmy smiled. ‘Thank you. I hope you’re right.’

‘He is taking time to think. But he will come back to you, tesoro. This is just a lot to process.’

‘Oh, but when he finds out all the other details...it’s even _more_ to process. The basic concept is...really nothing in comparison.’

‘I’m sure. There is no easy way to go about this.’

‘This is...fucking impossible,’ he sighed.

‘I think it could be a great movie.’

Timmy rolled his eyes. ‘Sure. Make it your next big project.’ Luca laughed. ‘Speaking of - what’s this about a sequel?’

‘Ah...Later,’ teased Luca.

They laughed together, Timmy’s turning into a moan. ‘Oh, I love himmmm,’ he whined.

‘I know, I know.’

‘You have faith?’

‘I have so much faith in the two of you. I’m so confident that this will work out. It must, it simply must.’

‘I hope you’re right.’

‘I am right, Timothée. I told you. I know about these things.’

 

*******

 

He’d texted Armie, just saying, _‘please let me know when you are ready to talk’_ , after he’d finished with Luca, and then tried to give him some space without going too crazy.

He spent the rest of the day focusing intently on the script for The King, unable to stop himself from feeling excited at getting to do this. This was the kind of opportunity he knew he’d never have gotten back in his own life. While it meant nothing compared to Armie, it was still special, still exciting...still his passion.

Pauline arrived home carrying a large brown paper bag. ‘I saw the pictures and the videos but I’m not gonna make you talk about it because I’m sure you’re trying to forget. But I figured you feel like shit, so I bought takeout. Good takeout,’ she said, putting the bag on the table, ‘and wine.’

‘You’re a saint,’ he said, tossing the script aside and opening the bag. ‘Pâtes aux truffes...asperges...ohh, et tarte aux fraises?!’ he exclaimed.

‘Ouais, et le pain, le pain, le pain,’ she said in a sing-song voice, producing a baguette seemingly out of thin air.

‘Du pain, du vin...pas de boursin?’ Timmy said in mock disappointment, mimicking the old French commercial and making Pauline laugh.

‘We don’t need it. There’s so much fucking shaved truffle on there,’ she said, picking a large flake off of the pasta. ‘Mmm.’

‘I’ll get glasses,’ Timmy went towards the cupboard.

‘How’s the script?’

‘It’s good. I mean, it’s Henry V, nothing unexpected - but I’m getting into it.’

‘Are you gonna do it, then?’

‘I am, yeah. I think I should get on with enjoying the...opportunities. Who knows when it’s all gonna end, you know?’

Pauline sipped and nodded. ‘Are you worried? About things drying up?’

‘I...I had a pretty good talk with Brian today. He’s kind of changed his tune, and uh...well, I’m gonna come out, Pauline.’

Her eyes widened. ‘For real?’ He nodded. ‘I gotta say, I didn’t think you’d do that. At least, not for a long time.’

‘I don’t think I can do it straight away. I don’t wanna fuck up the films I have coming out. I’d feel awful if people’s work didn’t get seen because of me.’

‘Mm. That’s really considerate of you.’ She considered a moment. ‘You have to do it like separate from anything happening with Armie. It has to be you coming out, period - not, you breaking up Armie’s perfect family.’

‘Right. _Riiiight_ ,’ Timmy nodded. In his world, these things had been totally muddled together. Here, it would be important to make a distinction. ‘I need to stop being seen so much with him. I’ve probably been pretty reckless, in how I’ve not been giving a fuck about how that looks.’ Part of him didn’t like how he was starting to think - but he was thinking of Armie, and of how this would impact a lot of people he’d worked with. He wasn’t thinking about how it looked from a self-interested point of view. It was about everyone else - but Armie especially.

‘Oh...fuck, I didn’t realise he’d left,’ Pauline’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

‘Huh? Yeah I mean he didn’t come back after he stormed off earlier.’

She looked up at him from her phone awkwardly. ‘Timmy...he went home.’

‘What?’

‘Liz’s insta story. Look.’ She held out her phone. Indeed, Liz had just an hour ago posted a photo of Armie with Harper. Timmy gasped, feeling his heart fall out of his chest.

‘Shit...no... _no_...he was meant to cool off and come talk in a couple days,’ he muttered. ‘Not...not go back to her and all the denial.’

‘I’m sorry, bro,’ Pauline said, topping up his wine, which he drained almost instantly, and she topped it up again.

He tossed truffle into his mouth as he started to cry, tried to silence his sobs by shoving a hunk of bread into his mouth and nearly making himself choke.

‘Hey, hey…’ his sister tried to calm him down, but he just swallowed more wine.

He stared absently at the strawberry tart, tears falling down his face. ‘I fucked it up,’ he murmured, picking off five glazed strawberries and eating them all at once, then shovelled heavily laden spoonfuls of the exposed crème pâtissière into his mouth. ‘I don’t care if you think this is gross,’ he said, voice thick with cream and tears.

Pauline laughed. ‘How did you fuck it up?’

Timmy shook his head. He wasn’t about to tell her - he didn’t feel the need to, anyway. ‘Complicated. I don’t wanna talk about it. But he left...he fucking left? I’m...I’m so sad,’ he said simply, defeatedly.

She nodded. ‘Then eat all the crème pat you want,’ she told him. He managed a small smile. They ate in silence for a minute or two, when his phone rang. He groaned.

‘Maybe it’s him?’ Pauline suggested.

Timmy shook his head. It wouldn’t be Armie. ‘It’s...Liz,’ he said as he looked at the screen, then at Pauline, eyes wide in fear and shock.

‘Answer it!’

‘Hey, Liz?’ Timmy tried to keep his voice steady.

  
‘Hey sweetheart. I just wanted to check in with you guys? There’s no huge rush but I wanted to make sure Armie remembered that we have some stuff next weekend with the kids and some friends, so he needs to be back by then. Is everything...ok?’ Her voice was tight but friendly.

Timmy frowned. ‘Uh, I thought he was there?’

‘What?’

‘Your - your insta story. I thought he came home.’

‘Oh. No, that’s an old photo. I just posted it for appearances, so people don’t think he’s away. Sorry if that was confusing...I do it a lot, I figured you probably knew.’

‘No, I didn’t know.’

‘Oh.’

‘He’s not - he’s not been talking to you?’

‘No. I know he’s at a hotel because the bank called to check for fraud. I told them it was fine, he was just away in Paris.’

‘When - when was this?’

‘Uh, like really early. They woke me up. Time difference I guess.’ He must have checked in pretty soon after storming off, that morning. ‘I can text you the name of the hotel? It’s on the online statement, I can check it.’ Liz offered.

‘Yes, please.’

 

*******

 

A couple of hours later, he found himself knocking on a hotel room door. Pauline talked him down from just showing up unannounced, so he’d texted Armie again, his tipsiness removing his self-control, and flat out begged to talk. Armie had responded an hour later, saying he could come over, and Timmy had borrowed Pauline’s bike, knowing it was fast and inconspicuous.

Armie answered the door.

‘Hey,’ Timmy breathed cautiously.

‘Hey,’ Armie said, stepping aside to let him in.

Inside the room, Armie was watching Timmy carefully.  
‘You ok?’ Timmy asked.

Armie nodded and sat on the bed. Timmy sat on the edge of the desk.

After a moment, Armie spoke.

‘You...you said since Austin?’

‘Yeah. I woke up the morning after the awards, and I wasn’t in the same world I fell asleep in. I was here.’

‘The way you were...that morning after, you were acting fucking crazy.’

‘You remember that?’

‘Honestly I tried not to think about it, it confused me so much and I didn’t want to linger on something that I couldn’t understand. But today, I’ve gone over it all. You - called me babe, you took my ring, you threw up...you sat on my lap like it was the most natural thing in the world.’

‘It was. It is.’

‘I had no idea what was going on. And you were crying...this is why you tried to throw yourself in front of a truck, isn’t it?’

‘Oh, man. Yeah, that was when I was testing a theory that I had died and God was putting me through my own personal version of hell.’

‘Hell?’

‘Not having you.’

Armie sighed. ‘Oh, wow,’ he murmured. ‘It’s...it’s really true?’

‘Yes,’ he said simply. ‘I know it’s a lot to take. I know it’s unbelievable. But it’s true. You’ve said yourself, I’ve never pushed you before like I have recently. I’ve expected more of you.’

‘Mm,’ Armie considered.

‘It’s...it’s true.’ Timmy paused. ‘I’m sure you have questions…’

‘I mean, yeah. I’m just…’

‘Do you need me to prove it? I don’t know how...but if there’s something I could do…’

‘I think you already proved it. Thinking about the whole thing...you’ve gone about this so confidently. You know what could be and you trust it so much, you’ve pushed so hard even if it’s defied my own logic, because you knew, you fucking _knew_...it would work out one way or the other. What you said...we’re meant to be...you believed it better than I did. Because you’ve not just seen it in the stars, you’ve really lived it, haven’t you?’ Armie bit his lip. ‘And the sex. Especially...when you touched me, inside...it’s like you knew my body. You knew my deepest parts. That wasn’t beginner’s luck, that was...you fucking know me.’

‘I do...I do know you…’ Timmy whispered, smiling affirmatively.

‘And Luca called me. Of course he fucking guessed it. I’m not imaginative enough to ever guess such a thing.’

‘No, Luca is just...Luca,’ Timmy reasoned, making Armie laugh softly. He looked at Timmy, his expression a little sad. ‘What is it?’

‘I feel like I came so far. And it was because of you, I couldn’t have done it without you, but...but you’re not…’

‘I’m not _your_ Timmy,’ he finished for him.

‘And I’m not him. I’m not your Armie.’ He exhaled. ‘That’s what I’ve been thinking all day. I’m not your Armie, I’m not really the person you love.’

‘You are. You _are_.’

‘I can’t believe you made me feel so special to you. I really felt it. But I’m some second-rate version, aren’t I?’ Armie said quietly, voice trembling.

Timmy tentatively stepped towards him, took his hands and laced their fingers together as he told him fervently, ‘I love...I love _all_ versions of you. Don’t you see, there’s _you_ , and then there are versions of you, who are only altered by small moments, a decision here and there, a periphery event...but it’s still YOU. I love you, any and every version, any and every universe. Maybe there are Armies out there that I’ve not met, that I’ll never meet...but I love every last one of them,’ Timmy explained, smiling fondly.

‘I’m good but I’m not...good enough,’ Armie whispered.

‘Oh my god. You are good.’ Timmy knelt down, kissing Armie’s hands over and over. ‘You are good. You are good.’ He bought Armie’s hand up and made him cradle his face. Timmy turned and kissed Armie’s palm. ‘You are enough.’

‘This...is this not all fake?’

‘What?’

‘Everything we’ve done...everything you feel for me...the way you’ve made me feel…’

‘You didn’t only start having these feelings since Austin, right?’

‘I had feelings about you - no, about the Timmy that was here. For - for a while. I’m so confused by this. Yes, I can’t deny I feel things for you, but until today I didn’t know you weren’t him.’

‘But I _am_ him.’

‘You are but you’re different.’

‘Not enough for you to know what had happened.’

Armie paused, considered that. ‘I just don’t understand how you could love me,’ he began. ‘I just don’t understand how you could love me when I have...I have given you fucking nothing, because I’m so...so my stupid self. And you woke up here expecting an Armie who is already the man that you deserve, and all you got was me, and I’m...I’m...a terrified, complicated _mess_ ,’ he explained sadly.

‘Oh...oh _Armie_ ,’ Timmy murmured, coming to sit beside him, took his hand again. ‘You’re everything I want. You’re all I want. I love you so much. So fucking much.’

‘But I’m not him.’

‘You’re Armie. You’re different from the one I knew because...the Armie I knew before you, we’re fucking married, ok, so obviously our relationship dynamic is totally different. And you’re scared by things that he was also scared by, just at an earlier point in his timeline. You are him. He is you. Just...the circumstances are different. But _obviously_ things aren’t the same between you and I as between him and me. Does this make sense?’

‘But you miss him. You miss your husband,’ he said.

‘Is that a hint of jealousy?’ Timmy asked, amused.

‘How can I not be jealous of your _husband_?’

‘It’s - it’s you. You’re jealous - of yourself,’ Timmy told him, laughing.

‘Is he better looking?’

‘Oh my _god_. You guys are completely absolutely identical. Well. I think he gets more sleep than you. And is less stressed. So -’

‘So he’s ageing better?’

‘Shut _up_ , you beautiful idiot,’ Timmy said, both of them finally laughing, their faces close. This was the kind of moment where they could so easily…

  
‘This why you won’t kiss me, isn’t it?’ Armie said as his eyes ghosted over Timmy's lips. 

Timmy sighed. ‘I...I’ve been scared that if I did it wouldn’t be the same, and that would break my heart,’ Timmy confessed. Armie nodded, looked away. ‘No, no, but Armie, it was - it was stupid.’

‘It’s not stupid. I’m not him.’

‘You are. Circumstances are different...and things happened with my husband that forced him to be bolder, quicker...but who you are, at your core, is the same. I promise. And I believe I’m the same as the Timmy you’ve always known, too.’ Armie looked at him, a little unsure.

Timmy stroked his cheek with his thumb gently. ‘I really do want to kiss you.’ He turned in a little. ‘Can I kiss you?’

Armie smiled. ‘Yes, please,’ he answered softly.

Timmy smiled in return, then leaned in carefully. He knew there was a lot riding on this, but he wanted to show Armie that he wanted him, that he wasn’t scared anymore.

He smiled, then gently pressed his lips to Armie’s, closing the last piece of distance between the Armie here and the Armie in the other world, as he felt the exact same pair of lips, felt them move the exact same way, and as it deepened, tasted the exact same mouth that he knew. Timmy moaned happily into the kiss, and pushed his tongue into Armie’s mouth, who was only too happy to receive him.

He almost cried with joy.

Timmy’s arms wrapped tighter around Armie’s neck, and Armie in turn snaked his arms around Timmy’s little waist, both pulling each other closer. They kissed a little faster, a little wetter; Armie sighing into his mouth and Timmy eagerly tasting whisky on his breath, as he moved his hands to lock his fingers in Armie’s hair, pulled back for one second and smiled, which Armie returned, caught his breath, and then kissed him again.

Kiss of a fucking lifetime.

He didn’t know how long it went on, but eventually Armie was moving to kiss his cheek, jaw, neck, and Timmy was smiling. He didn’t know what he’d been so worried about. ‘I love you,’ he whispered.

Armie stopped kissing him and moved, to look into his eyes. ‘I love you too,’ he told him meaningfully. Timmy’s face broke into a smile, and Armie wiped away a tear from Timmy’s eye that he didn’t realise was there.

‘I’m just...so happy. I’m so happy we kissed. I’m so happy you said that to me,’ Timmy said, kissing him again. ‘I’m so proud of you.’

‘I really love you, I promise.’

‘I know. I know you do, babe.’

‘Babe…’ Armie echoed.

‘Is that ok?’

‘Yes. More than ok. I need something to call you.’

Timmy shrugged. ‘I don’t mind. Call me what you want,’ his eyes flickering with submission for a moment, teasingly.

‘Oh, nooo, don’t distract me with that right now,’ Armie laughed, kissing him again, then gazing at him thoughtfully. ‘Can I call you...love?’

‘Love?’

‘Yes, my love.’

‘I...I like that,’ Timmy said softly, biting his lip.

‘You’re so fucking cute.’

‘I try.’

Armie laughed again. ‘God, I can’t believe you finally kissed me, Timmy.’

‘It was overdue,’ he said, kissing him again. ‘I could do it forever.’

They rested with their foreheads together. ‘So. How do I measure up? Was it ok?’ Armie asked.

Timmy rolled his eyes, smiling. ‘Relax...it was, yeah, different in the sense that you’re not my husband and you haven’t kissed me a thousand times already. But it was the same kiss. It was - baby, it was _you_.’ Timmy kissed him again, once, short, fervent. ‘It was you. And...I got to have a first kiss with you twice, so. I’m pretty lucky.’

Armie laughed. ‘God, this is the trippiest thing.’

‘I know.’

‘I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.’

‘No, it’s ok - I wouldn’t have believed me either.’

‘So um, can you like, tell me everything?’

‘What do you wanna know?’

‘I mean, I wanna know everything, like, everything that happened start to finish, figure out what’s different, where it all changed...but I wanna know about us. You and me. Tell me about our life.’

‘I mean, there’s a lot to say.’

‘I mean...is it all ok? Are we good? Are we happy?’ he added with a laugh.

‘We’re - we’re happy. We’re really happy,’ Timmy said.

‘How is it with, you know, with everything else? Are we, like, the new Brangelina?’ he added, grinning.

Timmy’s smile faltered. Armie noticed.

‘What?’

‘It’s just complicated. But you and I are good, you and I are happy.’

‘Ok. I guess that’s the most important thing...and the kids? And Liz? Is stuff good between us?’

Timmy bit his lip. ‘The kids love you. They...they love you so much. You’re such a good father. And uh, Liz, yeah, she’s...doing well,’ Timmy said carefully. He knew when all the details inevitably came out it would terrify Armie...he had to trust that they had different options here, that it wouldn’t turn out that way. And he didn’t want to upset Armie.

‘What’s going on? There’s something else, isn’t there? Something you’re not saying?’

‘I mean, yeah, sure. We’ve been married close to a year, together much longer, there’s a lot that has happened.’

‘That long?’ Armie’s eyes were wide. ‘I could have had you this whole time…’ he said quietly, regretfully.

‘Hey, don’t beat yourself up. Everything happens for a reason. That’s what I’ve told myself since being here. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that I was put here in order to help you do the right thing, help you realise...this is meant to be.’

‘The version of me in that other world must have some serious balls. I could never have…’

‘You would. If those things happened, you would...you did, when you needed to, you did.’

‘I feel like some shit has gone down with you. Do I wanna know?’

Timmy shook his head. ‘I don’t know if I want you to know,’ he said quietly. ‘It’s...a lot. I don’t want to ruin this moment. Not yet.’

Armie nodded. ‘Then tell me later,’ he said, kissing him again, and again, and again; laying him down and Timmy felt Armie’s full body press against him, and he almost instinctively adjusted into what he knew was the perfect position; their love was in his muscle memory, and Armie seemed to marvel at just how well he fit here, in this bed with the person he’d always wanted, had wanted for years.

Timmy talked softly. ‘When I tell you everything...please, promise that you won’t forget this, right now, right here...this feeling. Promise you won’t let it scare this feeling away.’

‘I love you. I’m not going anywhere, this love isn’t going anywhere.’ Armie assured him, and kissed him slow.

Timmy wrapped his arm around Armie’s back and bought him down so that the older man’s head was on his chest. He kissed the top of Armie’s head, and felt him tense slightly, but didn’t move away. ‘Is this ok?’

‘Yes, it’s just new.’

‘Me holding you?’

‘Just...being held,’ Armie confessed.

Timmy wrapped both arms around him, bought his leg over Armie and pulled his whole entire body as close to his as he could, and planted soft kisses in his hair, eyes watering at the scent... _home_.

‘I don’t...I feel a little weird having sex right now, before you know the full story. But…’

‘Will you stay?’ Armie asked in a small voice.

‘Yes, of course babe.’

Armie smiled. ‘Then stay, and hold me...and hold me...and hold me.’

‘All night.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .....so??? 
> 
> !!!!
> 
> hope you enjoyed :)
> 
> please let me know your thoughts!!! 
> 
> thank you to everyone who left comments on the last one, getting back to you after posting this.
> 
> more coming soon!!! <3 <3 <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg! ok! wow, thank you for all the AMAZING responses to the previous chapter. I'm so so happy that you all enjoyed it so much. thank you again for bearing with me.
> 
> ok so about this chapter......so I really intended like 1K or so of fluff and then the serious stuff. but that turned into 4.5K of fluff, so.....the 'big talk' will be next chapter. I figured it was already long enough and I didn't want it to be an overwhelming chapter.
> 
> don't get me wrong...shit happens here...oh...don't worry...enjoy ;)

**'What I wanted to preserve was the turbulent gasp in his voice which lingered with me for days afterward and told me that, if I could have him like this in my dreams every night of my life, I'd stake my entire life on dreams and be done with the rest.'**

_\- André Aciman, Call Me By Your Name_

 

**CHAPTER NINE**

 

Timmy opened his eyes slowly, becoming aware of his head resting on Armie’s stomach. He smiled so, so widely at finally waking up the way he’d been desperate to do so for the last month. He felt Armie’s hand on top of his head, absently stroking his curls. Armie was awake and had let him sleep.

Timmy, still grinning, turned and pressed a big kiss to Armie’s stomach. He felt his abdominal muscles tense for just a second in surprise, then relax.

‘Morning,’ he heard Armie say in a quiet, content purr.

‘Mm,’ Timmy returned, kissing him again and shifting his body so that he could move his kisses up Armie’s body.

He took the opportunity to tease his nipple on the way up, appreciating the little noise he heard come from Armie’s throat at the pleasure.

He was soon face to face, and he smiled at Armie as he leaned in. ‘I’m so happy we can finally do this,’ Timmy whispered.

‘Me too,’ Armie agreed, kissing him again. He didn’t quite taste fully like _Armie_ , Timmy noted - his mouth was almost aggressively minty fresh.

‘Did you - brush your teeth already?’ Timmy asked.

‘Uh, yeah.’

‘And like...drink an entire bottle of mouthwash?’

‘I get morning breath,’ Armie murmured.

Timmy’s mouth fell into a little O which quickly became a smile. ‘You’re too adorable. Babe, I love your morning breath. It’s the best way to start the day.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes. And I believe you’re more than fine with my own,’ Timmy added, smothering him with kisses.

‘It’s...yes,’ Armie began, laughing a little, ‘but I’m, you know...I’m older than you,’ he said, cheeks reddening slightly, ‘it’s...it’s not the same, it gets worse with age.’

‘Oh my _god_ ,’ Timmy said fondly. He - somehow incredibly erotically - ran his nose across Armie’s mouth as he breathed in deep. ‘I love you, and you are never, ever to sneak out of bed to brush your teeth again.’

Armie laughed. ‘Ok, ok. Oh man, I was so nervous about it. We’ve never kissed in the morning and I...I really wanted it to be perfect. I did mouthwash maybe six times.’

‘Jeeeeeesus. Any kiss with you is perfect. You don’t need to do anything. Believe me.’

They kissed again for a moment or two, then Timmy nestled into Armie’s chest, his leg swung over Armie’s body. ‘I’m so happy,’ he told Armie in a small voice. ‘I really thought I would never get to do this again. I thought I’d never get to _have you_ again.’

‘I’m so sorry. I really can’t imagine what you’ve been going through,’ Armie said, kissing his hair and holding him closer. ‘I never thought I’d ever feel like I could do this,’ he continued after a moment. ‘I never thought I’d get out of my own way. But you...you showed me it was ok. You showed me it was necessary.’

‘I knew that you had it in you. I knew you could do it.’

‘Thank you for...believing in me.’

‘I will always believe in you.’

‘I love you so much, Timmy. And I hate to think of you so miserable because I couldn’t get my shit together.’

‘I’m willing to bet that Other-Timmy was miserable much longer.’

‘Other-Timmy?’

‘Oh. Uh, yeah, that’s what I kinda refer to the version of me that was here before I got here. Since he’s gone, I figure he’s probably living in my world.’

‘Wow, I didn’t even think about that.’

‘Yeah.’

‘He’s probably having the time of his life, huh?’

‘With you, you mean?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I...I guess. It’s a little weird to think about.’

‘Do you think he told, uh...Other-Armie?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Would you?’

Timmy thought. ‘I guess...I don’t know. If I woke up and suddenly the guy I’d wanted for years was my fucking _husband_ , out of nowhere...I wouldn’t want to risk fucking that up.’

‘Mm.’

‘Oh, but there’s so many things that are different, that he’d probably accidentally fuck up and he’d have to reveal it. Plus, like...honesty. It’s important in a marriage. I would know,’ he finished, winking.

Armie laughed heavily. ‘I’m gonna have to figure out how to talk to Liz about all this.’

‘Yeah, that’s not gonna be easy.’

‘Hopefully you can give me a few pointers, based on how you guys handled it.’ Timmy couldn’t help but laugh. ‘What?’

‘Nothing...you’ll understand when I tell you...but you do _not_ wanna follow what happened there.’

‘Ok, ok...ok, what exactly happened?’

Timmy bit his lip. He couldn’t burst the bubble yet. ‘Later.’

‘Love, you need to tell me,’ Armie said gently.

‘I know but I _can’t_.’ Timmy started crying softly.

‘Shit. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you, I just...I just don’t want any more huge secrets. I wanna know everything. But tell me when you’re ready.’

‘No, I want to tell you. You - you have to know.’ Timmy closed his eyes and buried his face in Armie. ‘I’m just scared you’ll freak out and run away. I’m scared you won’t understand that...things are different here and we can make it so that it doesn’t turn out the same way. We can learn from the mistakes...believe me, I know you, Armie, and I know you’re gonna freak out. No matter how much you say you love me, I know you’re gonna have a hard time not running away when you hear. Cuz believe me, it’s worse than you’re thinking.’

‘Timmy, no matter what you tell me...please believe me that I love you. I want you to know that no matter how I react, I love you. I love you so much.’

‘I believe you. And thank you. I love you too. But I’m so scared for you to know...I feel like it’s already been so hard to make you feel safe enough to get here, to where you are now. And now I have to tell you the truth, I do - but it’s like pulling the rug out from under you. Just when you think you’re safe, there’s a whole other thing that’s gonna freak you out, make it harder for you to - to - to stay.’

‘Oh, Timmy...fuck, I’m so sorry I’ve been so slow to come to these realisations. I didn’t mean to make this love between us feel so unsteady.’

‘It feels like the floor will be pulled away from under us at any moment...that’s not entirely your fault, don’t worry...I know I have to tell you everything, I’m just scared because the last twelve hours have been so wonderful. I’ve finally got back what I’ve been dying every day waiting for. Thinking I’d never get you back. And now I’m in your arms and kissing you and I’m so, so happy. And I can see how happy you are. I just - god, I hate that the truth has to come out.’

Armie forced him to sit up so that he could look him in the eye. ‘Ok. Ok.’ He kissed Timmy’s forehead. ‘I’m sure you’re right. I’m sure I’ll freak out. But I won’t run away. And believe me, nothing could change the way I feel about you. But Timmy, if we’re going to move any further, I need to know. Whatever it is, I’ll handle it -’

‘Don’t make promises when you don’t even know - you’re not gonna be able to stick to that.’

‘You’re scaring me, love. Is it really that bad?’

‘I - I think for _you_ , in _this_ life in _this_ world, to hear it...yes, it really is that bad. Fuck, when it all unfolded for my Armie, he could barely...when everything kept coming, he...it’s bad, ok, it’s really bad, Armie.’

Armie nodded. ‘Ok. I won’t make promises when I don’t know. But don’t resign me to actions and reactions when I don’t even know yet.’

‘I’m sorry. I just - I know you.’

‘I know, I know.’ Armie watched him. Timmy bit his lip as a tear fell. Armie wiped it away. ‘Love. Love, I’m not going to leave you,’ Armie held his face carefully. ‘I can’t walk away from you. Since the day we met, you haven’t left my mind. I think about you every day. I have never, not even in the silent moments, darkest corners of my mind, in my wildest dreams... _my love_ ,’ he said thickly, ‘I never dreamed of this. This, this closeness, such realness, the weight of your body, your kiss...you... _you_ surpass my imagination. You outdo my fantasies.’ He kissed him, slow. ‘Hit me with anything you want. But please know, I swear, that any reaction is temporary and any fear is surface level. Beneath everything, my heart is unchanged and my love for you is _here_ ,’ he told him fervently, putting Timmy’s hand over his heart, ‘and it’s never going away.’

Timmy smiled through the tears that had now become tears of joy. Neither of them said anything for a long moment, just taking in everything Armie had said.

‘Thank you,’ Timmy whispered eventually. ‘That was really beautiful. Thank you.’

Armie nodded. ‘I didn’t think I’d ever say things like that,’ he confessed.

‘Like everything else about you,’ Timmy told him, ‘you had it in you all along.’

 

*******

 

They decided that going out for breakfast wasn’t a good idea - since Timmy was becoming newly aware of how things ‘appeared’ - but he also had stopped Armie from ordering room service, since they were so close to various bakeries and markets. ‘To get a _hotel_ croissant is fucking _sacrilege_ ,’ he’d told Armie. So long story short, Armie had left to find food while Timmy hid out in the room.

He caught up on some news for a bit and then decided to call his Dad, who he knew was in London for work and therefore in a similar timezone.

‘Salut, Papa.’

‘Timothée, chérie, ça va?’

‘Ça va bien, merci, et toi?’

‘Ouais, bien, bien.’

‘Sorry I haven’t been texting you back.’

‘It’s ok. I understand things have been busy. Just make sure your Mom knows you’re ok. She was worried after you jumped out of that window, but Pauline let her know you survived.’

‘Oh, shit. I keep forgetting that I can’t do anything without everyone finding out. I’m trying to be better.’

‘It’s ok. So. Paris is good?’

‘Oh, it’s _so_ good,’ Timmy stretched back on the bed. ‘Just what I needed. I’m doing good.’

‘Good, good. I hated seeing you so upset the other week. But in any case I’m glad you’re feeling better.’

‘Mm.’

‘And I understand Armie is there?’

‘How’d you - oh, right.’

‘Yep. Is he...is he treating you properly?’

Timmy laughed. ‘Yes, he’s perfect.’

‘Can I ask where things are at?’

‘Uh, I mean...he stayed at Pauline’s with me and then he got a hotel and I, uh, stayed the night. But we didn’t - we haven’t - I mean, we shared the bed but nothing - we’ve done stuff, but not…’

His father laughed. ‘Sweetheart, I didn’t mean that. I meant, where are things at with the status of your relationship? With his marriage? How serious are you, are you going to be public?’

‘Oh…’ Timmy sighed, embarrassed.

‘But it is good to know you are taking it slow. That’s important when it’s someone so special. And when it comes to that, let me know if you need my advice, my help.’

‘Papa…’ he mumbled awkwardly.

‘I know when I gave you the talk all those years ago it was geared a little more towards the ladies. But I can do a refresher based on who I know you’re more interested in.’

‘Oh my god, Papa, I’m an adult,’ Timmy laughed. ‘God, I’d forgotten about that discussion. The whole time I wanted to tell you...that you’d got it wrong...this was useless information...oh, but you’d worked so hard preparing all of it.’

‘Chou, I’m sorry you were too scared to tell me. That’s on me, I should have been more open to other possibilities. I should have been more open, more approachable…’

‘No, no, Papa, it’s not your fault. Like, at all. Don’t worry.’

‘Ok. Well in any case. Have you two decided what you’re going to do?’

‘He’s out getting breakfast right now. We’re going to have a...big discussion today.’

‘Ok. That’s good. I hope it goes well.’

‘Yeah, me too.’

‘Is he serious about you?’

‘Yes.’

‘You’re not just someone on the side that he doesn’t really care about?’

‘He...he loves me.’

‘Are you certain?’

‘I’m absolutely sure of it.’

‘Ok. Then I believe you.’

‘He knows there’s a lot to figure out. For me too. But we fully intend to figure it out.’

‘Good luck with that. I mean that sincerely.’

‘Merci, Papa.’

‘D'accord. Now. Timothée, have you given any more thought to what we talked about back home? About Brian not being the best thing for you anymore?’

‘Oh - yeah, we had a good talk yesterday. He apologised and he’s gonna change how he’s approaching me, my career. I...I am going to come out.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes.’

‘Wow.’

‘I know it’s unexpected…’

‘You’ll never be able to take it back, you know? No-one will ever forget.’

‘I know. But I have to do it. If I don’t, it means doing all this shit to make myself look straight - and I don’t want to do that. I’m not gonna wear certain clothes or pretend to date actresses, models. I do want to act, so I’m gonna be careful about how I go about it. But I’m doing it.’

‘Well, you’ve made up your mind. I support you completely, you know?’

‘I know. And thank you.’

‘I’m so proud of you. And no matter how you choose to reveal this to the world, I will never stop being proud of you. Never. I love you very, very much.’

Timmy smiled. ‘I love you too, Papa.’

  
‘And I will always be here to look after you, to protect you. Even if the world makes it seem impossible...I’m your father, I’m never going to stop.’

‘Thank you. Just...thank you.’

‘You don’t need to thank me.’

‘I’m so lucky that you’re my father.’

‘I’m the lucky one, chou.’

‘Agree to disagree.’

‘If you say so.’

They both laughed, as the door opened and Armie re-entered.

‘Papa, Armie’s back.’

‘Ah. I’ll let you go, then.’

‘Do you want to say hi to him?’

‘Sure, why not.’

Timmy put the phone on speaker and held it in Armie’s direction, who was looking at him with a fearful, questioning look. ‘Uh, hello?’

‘Armie! Good to hear your voice, my friend.’ 

The warmth extended by Timmy’s father was not what Armie had expected. ‘You - you too, Sir.’

Marc laughed. ‘None of that American bullshit with me, please. It’s Marc.’

‘Right, yes, _European_ , sorry.’

‘Haha. So. Has my son given you a nice warm welcome to Paris?’

‘Oh, yes, very much.’

‘I don’t suppose you’ve been getting out that much though, hm?’ Marc laughed.

‘ _Papa!_ ’ Timmy interjected, both he and Armie blushing.

‘I meant because of avoiding cameras, of course. Get your mind out of the gutter, boys,’ he teased.

‘Right, yes, of course, I knew that’s what you meant,’ Armie said quickly.

‘Yes, avoiding paparazzi and falling in love leaves you with very little time, I imagine.’

‘That’s...very true,’ Armie agreed awkwardly.

‘My man, I sense you’re uncomfortable. Please don’t be. As long as you have nothing but good intentions with my son, I have nothing but love for you. There is no need to prove anything to me, no need to feel like I’m testing you. Forget that bullshit. You’re my son’s lover, not my lawyer.’

Armie laughed. ‘Thank you. This is...this is all very new territory.’

‘I’m sure. And I know that being older it is more difficult, to adjust your life so much from one thing to something entirely new and different. I love Timothée, I want him to be happy. And as it turns out, happiness includes you. So I want to do all I can to help and support this. I will be here for you, too, if you need anything, Armie. I will open my arms and my heart to you, without hesitation. I promise.’

There was a pause, as Armie, stunned, took in what Marc had said. ‘Th-thank you,’ he said quietly, his voice breaking slightly. Timmy looked at him, and Armie shook his head, turning away slightly as he began to cry.

‘Armie? Timothée? Did I lose you?’

Timmy rubbed a hand soothingly on Armie’s back as he spoke to his father. ‘No, Papa, we’re here. Armie’s just a little...I think a little overwhelmed by how kind you are.’

‘Ahh. I see. Well, I shall leave you to it. Good luck with everything. Love you both. Au revoir.’

He hung up. Timmy put down his phone and immediately wrapped his arms around Armie’s shoulders, kissing his temple. ‘Baby, it’s ok.’

‘Your Dad is...amazing.’

‘I know.’

‘My Dad would never...oh fuck, I’ll have to tell him, won’t I? My Mom too, fuck.’

‘It’s ok, I’ll be there with you when you do it,’ Timmy assured him. He’d already done that with his Armie, after all - and those were not his fondest memories. But he’d do it again if need be.

‘I can’t believe your Dad is so wonderful and accepting and...really rooting for us so much that he’d even…’

‘Love you?’

‘I mean, yeah.’

‘Oh, babe.’

‘Your Dad’s wonderful. That’s why _you’re_ wonderful,’ Armie told him quietly.

‘You’re wonderful too.’ Armie shook his head. ‘Hey. You are. And I _know_ you didn’t get it from your Dad. Or your Mom. You figured this out yourself. That makes it more significant. Your heart wasn’t given to you. You went out and carved it for yourself.’

‘Since we met, you’ve been carving it too. It’s yours. It’s yours.’ He kissed Timmy deeply, his hands up in his curls, then breaking the kiss and cradling his face. ‘I - I love you so much. I can’t fucking believe I haven’t been saying it the whole time.’ He kissed him again briefly. ‘I can’t fucking believe I haven’t been doing _that_ the whole time. It’s like there has been this whole life waiting for me, the _whole damn time_.’

‘Hey, you got here. It’s ok. You’re here now. You’re with me now - and forever.’

‘I’m starting to believe you, and...’

‘And?’

‘And I’m starting to believe it. Starting to believe that you’ll...stay.’

Timmy sighed, and climbed into Armie’s lap, took both his hands, laced their fingers together and put Armie’s hands over his own heart. ‘I will always stay. But you have to stay too.’

‘I know. I’m never saying goodbye to you.’

Timmy kissed him. ‘I want you to remember this love even when you’re terrified of everything else. I need you to be strong and believe that no matter what, I’m yours.’

Armie kissed him back, and nodded. He pressed his forehead to Timmy’s and looked at him for a moment in silence. When he spoke, he took his hand again. ‘So. Do you think it’s time to talk about it all?’

Timmy pursed his lips. ‘After breakfast. I’m starving.’

 

*******

 

Breakfast turned into a long, languid affair.

They sprawled across the bed in hotel bathrobes, covered in flaky croissant crumbs, cuddling each other, talking, absently half-watching the tv and making out slowly, loving the complete lack of shame as they shared kisses devoid of urgency, just pure love and desire.

To Timmy, it almost felt normal - aside from the fact that they’d been essentially hiding out in a hotel room for several hours, this was completely, utterly, wonderfully _normal_ , and he buried his head in the sheet or Armie’s robe to hid his huge, ecstatic grins.

Armie insisted on blowing him, and Timmy, too happy to say no, closed his eyes and pushed his head deep into the pillow as he arched his back and moaned in delight.

He felt Armie’s tongue press onto the tip of his cock, and Timmy groaned, grinding his hips mindlessly, his eyes rolling back and a dreamy smile crossing his lips.

Armie had somehow become better at this since he did it last time. Or perhaps it was because it felt more honest than it had before. Timmy’s stomach twisted a little as he remembered there was more honesty to come, and he briefly worried if Armie would ever do this again...but then, as if he could hear Timmy’s thoughts, Armie reached for his hand and squeezed it tight. _It’s ok_ , Timmy felt him saying. _We’re alright, love._

When he came, all he could think was the sound Armie made as he filled his throat was maybe the best and most sweet sound he’d ever heard.

‘Thank you,’ Timmy murmured blissfully as Armie shifted up the bed to lay beside him.

‘No, thank _you_ ,’ Armie corrected him. They smiled at each other.

‘You’re getting good at that,’ Timmy told him.

‘I just want you to feel good.’

‘Well, I do.’ He kissed Armie. ‘Did you get any fruit or anything? I’m kinda thirsty.’

‘Oh, yeah, I totally forgot.’ Armie reached into the brown paper bag and took out a box. ‘Fresh raspberries. No peaches this time of year,’ he said, grinning a little.

Timmy gave him a playful nudge and rolled his eyes. ‘That will _never_ be lived down.’

‘Oh, and with good reason.’ Armie paused, toying with a raspberry.

‘What?’

‘Oh, uh...I was just thinking. I know that you, uh, like, tried doing it for real, back when we were shooting.’

‘What? The peach?’

‘Yeah, yeah. And obviously when we actually shot it, you weren’t really...you know.’

‘Uh huh…’

‘So what I’m wondering is maybe, if we are ever somewhere that one could uh, procure a peach, maybe you could, um, you know. You could do it.’

Timmy raised his eyebrows. ‘For real?’

‘I always had this weird...I suppose it was jealousy, that you’d actually done it for real and I didn’t get to see.’

‘You want me to do it _for_ you?’

Armie nodded. ‘Yes. I want to watch,’ he said darkly.

‘You know it’s pretty messy.’

‘That’s fine by me.’

‘I can’t believe you really want me to...wow.’

‘And the prop we used, it wasn’t really your…and I’d want to see how that...’

Timmy almost gasped. ‘You want to eat it, don’t you?’

Armie, barely able to meet his gaze and blushing furiously, nodded. ‘All summer I was buying peaches and every time I’d...I’d cut one up and crack salt onto each slice…’ he confessed. ‘It never tasted great but it was the closest I thought I could get.’

‘Lemme get this straight, you were salting every peach you ate, imagining it was my spunk, and you still didn’t think you were that into me?’

‘Honestly it wasn’t until Liz walked in and watched me add the salt and then eat it, just staring down at the plate until I looked up and met her gaze, and she was just looking at me like, _seriously?_ , and I felt like I’d been caught or something. That was when I thought...huh. Maybe something’s different.’

‘No shit.’

‘But I convinced myself it was just a kink, that it wasn’t about you.’

‘And how’s that working out?’

Armie grinned and kissed him. ‘It was about you. It was always about you.’

Timmy put a raspberry into his mouth, then kissed Armie, pushing the fruit into his mouth and smashing it into his tongue. ‘Mm, ok, then we’ll go find some fucking peaches sometime,’ Timmy said, licking juice from his lips.

‘I’ll eat the whole thing,’ Armie promised him, picking up another raspberry. ‘Now. Think we can eat the whole box doing the thing you just did? Because that fucking rocked.’

‘Yeah, we could for sure do that. But, I mean, there are other things we could do with them too.’

‘What sort of things?’

‘Things that we couldn’t do with peaches. They’re...too big. These, however,’ he held up a raspberry, ‘are the perfect size.’

Armie looked at him, a mixture of wonder and surprise and arousal colouring his expression. ‘Are you...no, you can’t mean… _Timmy_.’

Timmy just smirked. ‘But, just like the peach, this will be...messy.’

‘Oh, that’s _more_ than fine.’

‘So. You first?’ Timmy asked. Armie blushed. Timmy smiled, tongue between his teeth. ‘You know you want to.’

Armie bit his lip, smiled back and scooted backwards on the bed, opening his robe in preparation. Timmy knelt over him. ‘Oh, look at you, already half-hard at the fucking thought of what I’m about to do to you,’ he said fondly, running his finger teasingly around Armie’s opening, making him shudder.

‘God, you are so fucking kinky. I really didn’t think you'd...like, _damn_ , Chalamet.’

‘It’s been a while since I did anything like…’ Timmy shook his head. ‘Not now.’

‘No, I wanna do this first. Definitely.’

‘Mm hm,’ Timmy nodded, carefully starting to loosen up Armie’s asshole, eliciting a moan.

‘But then we really should…’

‘Oh yeah, absolutely,’ Timmy agreed, as he picked up a raspberry and slipped it inside Armie, then settled onto his stomach. ‘You good?’

‘Mm, eat me the fuck _out_ , please,’ Armie growled.

‘Don’t need to tell me twice, babe,’ Timmy replied, putting his hands on Armie’s broad hips and gently pushing his tongue inside, adding more raspberries as necessary.

 

*******

 

It was a fucking _mess_ on the bed spread.

‘Oh Jesus,’ Armie said as he surveyed the damage.

‘They’re never getting those stains out,’ Timmy worried, looking at the patches of pink-red juice and ejaculate scattered over the sheets. ‘We got a little carried away.’

‘But it was worth it,’ Armie told him, kissing him softly. ‘I thoroughly enjoyed that.’

‘Me too,’ Timmy admitted.

‘I really fucking love you, Timmy.’

‘I love you too.’

They stood in silence for a moment. Timmy couldn't meet his gaze. The inevitable could not longer be postponed.

Armie pulled him in for a kiss. ‘I think we should talk soon, yeah?’

‘Yeah. I just kinda need a shower…’ Timmy said a little shyly.

‘Yeah, I need one too,’ Armie laughed.

‘Maybe you should call someone to...clean this,’ Timmy suggested.

Armie nodded. ‘Let’s take a shower then go get coffee while they clean. Then we can come back and...talk.’

Timmy nodded. ‘Just at the café here in the hotel, yeah?’

‘Yeah, we shouldn’t go outside,’ Armie said, shifting his body awkwardly.

‘You ok?’

‘Yeah, I just think there’s some you didn’t quite get,’ he confessed.

‘Oh yeah? Well I’ll get them now,’ Timmy dragged him playfully to the bathroom as Armie laughed, wrapping his arms around Timmy’s waist and picking him up, carrying him to the bathroom as Timmy yelped in surprise and delight.

_You must love me_ , Timmy thought happily. _You must love me_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE YOU LIKED ITTTTTT
> 
> honestly I don't even KNOW how the raspberries thing happened. I was just writing and....yeah. it was not planned. it just....happened. I hope you...enjoyed....?
> 
> please let me know your thoughts in the comments!!!! <3 <3 <3


	10. chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aghhhh I know I know I'm SORRY. my life has been so fucking unpredictable over the last few months and I'm sorry that updates haven't been that consistent.
> 
> HOWEVER this chapter was 31 pages and over 12.5K words so hopefully that makes up for it.
> 
> thank you thank you thank you to all the amazing people who've been leaving comments and love. I can't tell you how much that means. 
> 
> without further ado please enjoy!!!!

**'This was a time when I intentionally failed to drop bread crumbs for my return journey; instead, I ate them.'**

_\- André Aciman, Call Me By Your Name_

 

**CHAPTER TEN**

 

They arrived back to the newly cleaned room, feeling refreshed and caffeinated. Armie shut the door slowly behind him. Timmy surveyed the bed, all traces of their fruity escapades gone. He stared at the ground, biting his lip, wondering how to begin.

‘Hey.’ He felt Armie’s gentle hands on his shoulders. ‘It’s ok. It’s gonna be ok.’ Timmy looked up and Armie kissed him softly. ‘I promise. I know you don’t believe me, but I’m not going anywhere.’

‘I believe you, I...I believe that you mean that, now, but I don’t believe you’ll be able to keep your promise.’

Timmy stepped away from him and sat down at the foot of the bed, crossing his legs and gesturing for Armie to sit opposite. Armie did so.

‘Do you...have any questions?’ Timmy asked. ‘I don’t really know how to start.’

‘Start with...I mean, start at the beginning. How did we...how did it begin? How did we go from friends to…’

Timmy smiled. ‘I don’t think we were ever really friends. There was something unspoken between us almost as soon as we met. And of course, I just figured, ok, I have a crush on this guy. And I dared to think that maybe you had a crush on me, too. But I told myself, nothing’s gonna happen, he’s married. The atmosphere between us, the vibe, I mean, there was a lot of sexual tension, those couple weeks before we started shooting. We were doing everything together.’

‘I remember.’

‘You were gorgeous, you were famous. You wouldn’t even want me, I told myself. We hung out every day, every night. Luca was thrilled, _the chemistry is palpable_ , he said. So I figured, oh...this was just acting. You were just acting. You were just doing your job, creating chemistry. It wasn’t real. You were an actor, trying to create chemistry. I was just a stupid kid who got confused and carried away.’

‘Tim…’

‘I know, I know. So, yeah. I told myself we were friends, no matter how much your eyes lingered on me, no matter how many secrets you told me. No matter how many nights we stayed up until sunrise. No matter how many times I saw your pants becoming a little too tight. I told myself we were friends and I was being stupid and you were fucking married.’

‘So how long did that last? Being friends.’

‘Until the night after the first day of shooting.’

‘Oh _Jesus_.’ Armie sighed, a little amused.

‘I know. It was...well I think the same thing might have happened, or started to happen, here in this world.’

‘Why do you say that?’

‘You said something, a little while ago. About me dancing.’

‘Ah.’

There was a pause.

‘Could you...tell me how that happened here? I want to know. It’s kind of an important moment.’

‘Sure. Yeah.’ Armie took a second as he let the memory come back to him, smiling. ‘Your fucking dancing, man.’ Timmy smiled back as Armie continued. ‘We were high. At my place, cuz it was my weed. It’s always my weed,’ he rolled his eyes, grinning. ‘I think it was the first time we _shared_ a joint, actually.’

‘It was.’

‘And you were dancing without music and you were...you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. In the moonlight, you were fucking ethereal. You were dancing because I told you about how dancing scenes in movies work - cuz you hadn’t done one before - and I told you I hate doing them because they’re in silence, and you stood up, took a long drag and said, _this is_ -’

‘For you in silence,’ Timmy finished softly.

‘ _This is for you in silence_. Yeah. And you - you started dancing. It wasn’t good. You were so tired. So high. But your hips swaying at 3am was suddenly everything I wanted. Mesmerising, though I could barely look at you. Looking at you was too much. I was frozen on the bed. I don’t think I even thought about the fact that you were a guy. It didn’t really even hit me until later that you were a guy. It was _the feeling itself_. That’s what had me so stunned. The feeling. I’d never felt anything like it. I’d never felt a stronger, more immediate pull toward anyone in my life.’ Armie sighed. ‘My biggest regret to this day was not doing what I wanted. Not acting on it. I waited too long. You stopped dancing and looked really awkward and then kind of, came back to the bed. You couldn’t look at me either. I told you to stay because I wanted to be near you. But I was so hard, and I didn’t trust myself not to reach out and...touch. But I also knew that if I wound up laying next to you, too scared to do that, I’d regret it. So I uh, I took the floor.’

‘You were scared you’d touch me but you were also scared of having the chance to touch me and not taking it?’ Timmy asked, so endeared by Armie’s logic. Armie nodded, blushing. ‘Oh, babe.’

‘We never talked about it again.’

‘Mm.’

‘Did it - did it happen differently for you?’

Timmy looked at him, wondering how he’d react. ‘You walked over, you took my hips in your hands and you kissed me hard.’

‘ _Dammit_ ,’ Armie hissed, his expression pained.

‘I kissed you back, I led you to the bed, still kissing, I was so ready for anything...then when I was almost there, my legs feeling the sheets, it suddenly sunk in that we’d crossed so many lines just by kissing, and I totally froze up so I turned round and pretended to pass out. I was petrified. I didn’t know if you wanted anything more than kissing. You seemed to buy that I’d fallen asleep. After a few minutes I opened my eyes the tiniest bit and watched you from under my eyelashes. You were just sitting in the chair by the desk. And after I while I fell asleep for real and didn’t see anything else.’

‘Wow,’ Armie murmured.

‘Yep.’

‘So...what next?’

‘It was three days later. We’d been dancing around each other really awkwardly, pretending that it hadn’t happened, pretending we didn’t have these feelings or thoughts for each other. I think it served the filming pretty well,’ Timmy said, laughing a little. ‘But yeah. Filming stopped early because of the rain. We went back to my place and I...oh god, I couldn’t do it anymore. We were joking around, talking about random shit, but I could tell by your eyes that you wanted me too. I knew I couldn’t ignore it. You were in the middle of saying something and I just found myself reaching out. I took ahold of your shirt, and just held it. You stopped talking, and we both stared at my hand holding your shirt. I glanced up and checked your eyes again, and then I just started pulling you towards my bedroom.’

‘It was you. In every situation, it’s been you who made things happen. Both worlds, you reached out, you affirmed, you pushed me when I wasn’t sure if I could withstand feeling all of this. I’m so fucking…’

‘Don’t. Don’t do that. I had nothing to lose, it was easier for me to act on it than for you.’

‘But still, for whatever reason, your Armie had the guts to kiss you.’

‘Yeah, in a split second in the middle of the night while he was high, he did something - and in the same split second in the same middle of the night while you were high too, you didn’t. That’s all. It was only a kiss.’

‘You don’t really believe that. Don’t pretend like your first kiss isn’t significant.’

‘It’s not insignificant, it’s...I just don’t want you to feel bad.’

‘Too late, my love, too late...fuck. Sure, that was only a split second one night. But I had _every_ fucking opportunity, that entire summer and every day since. When you were staying with me, in my _house_ , all I wanted to do was slip into the guest room and curl up behind you and hold you and bury my face in your curls because I knew it would be the warmest, safest fucking thing. I had every opportunity and I never took it.’

Timmy didn’t know how to talk him down from that. ‘I...yeah. Yeah, you’re right. You didn’t.’ He knew from googling that he’d stayed with Armie while filming Beautiful Boy, so he figured he was referring to that. That was a whole year after Crema.

‘So we...we had sex, right?’

Timmy nodded. ‘I undressed you. And myself. I wanted to put it all out there. I told you to stop me if you wanted me to stop, but you didn’t. Every moment that passed, you let me keep going, and it made me bolder, pushed me forwards. Aroused me.’

‘So you, uh, _you_ fucked _me_ , then?’ Something about his tone sounded beyond just curious - it was almost hopeful. 

‘No, not that time. We were naked and then I got onto the bed and laid down. Inviting you. Presenting myself to you. I wanted you to take control. I wanted to be _yours._ ’

Armie was blushing. ‘I just...knew what to do?’

‘You barely waited before you knelt over me and kissed me, tentatively ran your thumb over my nipple...I remember laughing and you didn’t know why, and I didn’t say, but my brain was suddenly screaming, _you don’t have boobs, he’s lost already_ , but I took your hand and squeezed it tight and you kissed me again, then confessed to me softly that you weren’t sure how to go about it. I taught you how to prepare me, guided your hand as you stretched me for the first time. God, that was so fucking intimate. When you found it, brushed up against it...I spasmed beneath you, let out a choked little moan, and I was worried it would be too much. You were looking at me in wonder. _You’d_ elicited that. _You’d_ bought that out of me.’

‘I’d made you happy,’ Armie explained. ‘Right? That’s...I imagine that was a part of it.’

‘Yes. You did. It was. And...we were both so ready for it. You slid into me and I nearly cried. Feeling you there felt like an entire part of me had finally been put into place. Something I’d been missing my whole life. I know you felt the same way. I wrapped my arms around you best I could and tried to hold onto you, even after we’d both come, after you’d finally gone soft again, I kept my arms around you, kept tugging you closer into me. I didn’t want you to go. I didn’t want it to end, I didn’t want us to forget. What if you pulled out and walked out and we never spoke of this again? I couldn’t let that happen. So I wouldn’t let you go. You looked down at me, my flushed face blinking furiously, trying not to cry. Your eyes were wet too, and when I saw that, I did cry, because it was safe. You kissed every tear away. It was like you knew all my concerns. You told me you would stay. And you did.’

Timmy took Armie’s hand. ‘After that first time, we couldn’t stop. We just couldn’t keep our hands or our mouths off each other. We’d found...something that we didn’t know was possible. Something so right we couldn’t have dared to dream it up. Yet, here it was. We knew we loved each other so quickly. We gave into it fully because we knew there was no use in trying not to.’

‘That sounds so beautiful.’

‘It was.’

‘I’m such a failure. Total coward. Don’t tell me I’m not.’

They paused, Armie’s face warning Timmy not to try and placate him.

‘I love you,’ Timmy told him simply.

Armie, still holding his hand, squeezed it gratefully. ‘I love you too. I’m sorry it took me so long. What you described...I mean, God, it must have been agony to wake up here with all of that suddenly erased. It’s not just him that you’re missing, it’s a whole entire part of _you_ missing, too.’ Timmy nodded as Armie sighed. ‘I don’t know how I could ever live up to that,’ he confessed fearfully.

‘You already are.’

‘You promise?’

‘I swear, Armie.’

Armie kissed the top of his head and kept his lips pressed into Timmy’s curls for a moment. ‘So. What happened after that? How did we come out?’ Timmy didn’t say anything. This, this was the part he’d been dreading. ‘How did I tell Liz? Our agents?’ Timmy still said nothing. ‘How bad was the backlash?’ Armie tried again, taking a different route, opening up the gate to negativity himself, saving Timmy from doing it, for which he was grateful.

Timmy took a deep breath. ‘Ok. So after filming ended, you went back to LA, I went back to New York. You had some big charity events to host, for important causes, so we agreed that you shouldn’t come out until after those were done. We didn’t want the charities to lose out on donations.’ Armie nodded. ‘And you had some movies coming out, you had Tiff coming up, and a shoot starting like late summer.’

‘Hotel Mumbai,’ Armie remembered.

‘Right. About a week after we left Italy, you showed up in New York. You couldn’t stand being apart from me - and I couldn’t stand it either - and we holed up in my apartment, making love to each other like you’d just gotten back from a year away at war, not just a week in LA.’ Timmy smiled at the memory. ‘We had a long discussion about what to do. We agreed we couldn’t be together publicly yet but we also, clearly, couldn’t stay apart. A big part of you seemed pretty ready to say fuck it. You tried to drag me out the apartment so that we could walk down the street holding hands and just let people put two and two together.’

‘What stopped me?’

‘Me. You weren’t thinking rationally. It didn’t seem like the right time. Although I suppose there’s never a right time for these things. But no, I stopped you. I didn’t want you to tell Elizabeth until after Ford was born.’

‘Right, she was…’

‘Pregnant,’ finished Timmy. ‘I thought it would be a huge shock for her and I didn’t want it to affect the pregnancy. And I mean, I didn't want to hurt her. I knew she'd be hurt regardless but I didn't want to make it any worse if it could be avoided. And I know stress and worry isn’t good for babies...and I already loved him before he was born, I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to be the cause of anything that would hurt your baby. What if she stopped eating, stopped sleeping...felt upset all the time, cried, felt lonely, depressed...obviously I cared about her, too, and I didn’t want her to feel those things, but I also didn’t want to take away her ability to have a healthy, safe pregnancy,’ he explained.

‘That was so kind, Timmy,’ Armie said fondly. ‘You’re such a good person.’

Timmy shrugged. ‘It was all for nothing in the end. I was just trying to think of people beyond ourselves. You wanted to tell her, you said she’d be fine.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘Ironic how it all turned out.’

‘What happened?’ He asked. Timmy looked at him nervously. Armie asked, ‘is this the bad part?’

‘Yes. One of them, anyway.’

‘ _One_ of them?’

‘Uh huh.’

Armie exhaled. ‘Ok. Tell me.’

‘Ok. So we spent the summer seeing each other wherever we could. I had a friend with a place in LA, only she was studying abroad for the summer. So I’d fly out, stay at her place and you’d come over. It was more low key than you going to and from New York all the time. Plus you were near Harper.’

‘Did Liz never suspect?’

‘At the time you were so wrapped up in being newly in love with me that you didn’t think anything was off. You weren’t the most observant, with all the hearts in your eyes…’ Timmy smiled. ‘And I was too scared to see her, so I don’t know. And she didn’t even know I was in LA most of the time. Or maybe she did. I don’t know. In any case, she had to spend a lot of time in Texas, at the bakery. So she wasn’t home much. We pretty much didn’t go a week without seeing each other all summer, until you went to Mumbai. That was August. That was the longest we’d ever been apart. I couldn’t fly out there, I had no money and we agreed it would be too suspicious and weird if you paid for me. We facetimed a lot...you had a tough time shooting that one. I remember I wished I could have been there for you. You told me so many things, you told me all these deep things that you’d never really told anyone.’

‘Yeah, that movie made me realise a lot of stuff,’ Armie said quietly.

‘Mm. Anyway, the plan after that was for you to throw yourself into the film festival circuit - you had like three movies out - and that would be an excuse to not spend much time with her. She wouldn’t be able to fly everywhere, since she’d be too pregnant by that point. That’d get you through the fall and winter. We knew Ford would come in the new year. So it was really just a matter of running down the clock until you could tell her and we could move into the next part of our lives. But we didn’t quite get that far.’

‘What happened?’

‘So I remember after you finished the shoot in India, that you had a short flight to Dubai, and you facetimed me from there. It was gonna be sixteen hours to LA and that was gonna be the longest we’d ever gone without communicating. No texts, no calls, no facetime. Sixteen hours was a lot. I suppose...I suppose since then we haven’t gone sixteen hours again without any kind of talking. You talked to me until I saw the stewardess almost confiscating your phone, the plane was already moving towards the runway,’ Timmy shook his head, amused. ‘I hung up, to save you being kicked off the plane. Greta thought it was funny.’ Armie frowned. ‘I was in Sacramento at that point. Ladybird.’

‘Right.’

‘It was maybe three hours or so into your flight, when Brian called me. He said there was something huge about to break on TMZ, but that it was already getting picked up by other news outlets. They were all jostling to break the story first. Brian knew because they’d called him to comment. I immediately knew it had to be about us. I just didn’t know how bad. I asked how they knew, and he just...I remember he just sighed and said, _Tim, why would you guys fuck in a bed on a film set covered in cameras?_ ’

Armie’s eyes widened. ‘No…’

‘Yeah.’

‘Oh _fuck..._ how did they -’

‘Luca doesn’t know who found it or who gave it to her. But...Liz is the one who gave it to the press.’

‘Wait...what?’

‘She knew the whole time. She had the video for months. She was just waiting. She knew you had a whole slate of movies about to drop. She wanted to ruin them all for you. She wanted to ruin you, really.’

‘Just how bad was the video?’

‘Bad. Not the kinkiest we’d ever been, but...it definitely wasn’t slow and beautiful, you know? I only watched it the one time but I believe I told you to fuck me so hard that I wouldn’t be able to bike home, and you, uh, you said you wanted to make me come screaming your name, as you ripped off my underwear.’

Armie’s head was in his hands. ‘And this was on the _news_?’

‘The entire thing was online, on smaller platforms and gossip sites. But major outlets reported on it too, and just showed the first part, before we actually fucked, which was already bad enough. No-one knew who I was but you were the big famous Hollywood actor who was fucking a guy, so that was big in and of itself, BUT you were also the big famous Hollywood actor who cheated on his pregnant wife.’

‘I can’t believe Liz would do that.’

‘She was really angry. And, I mean, she had every right to be.’

‘I just - I just don’t believe you, Timmy. I know I probably deserved it, but I don’t believe that she would do that.’

‘Well, she did. And you didn’t deserve it, Armie. It was a terrible thing for her to do.’

‘I don’t believe it. She - she does love me and she cares about me. And I know that she knows how I feel about you, and she hasn’t done anything.’

‘It was a different circumstance in my world. I think she was scared. People do awful things when they’re scared.’ Armie didn’t say anything. ‘Armie, I know it’s a lot to take in, but I’m telling the truth, I swear.’

‘Did you ever ask her why?’

‘I tried calling her, that day, begging her to retract it, but she sent me to voicemail every time. Eventually she blocked me. And in everything that followed, I had no contact with her. So no. I never got the chance. You - other-you - never asked her. I think you just decided you deserved it, so you never questioned it.’

‘What happened after it broke?’

‘I went straight to LA, hid out at my friend’s place. They had to reschedule filming, I couldn’t do scenes that day, I was a mess. I called my parents and told them everything. I had to beg them not to watch the video. I didn’t want them to see me like that. Luckily they obliged. Nick called me, Will called me, Pauline called me...Nick came over and we talked through everything and we tried to figure out what to do. It was like, seven or eight hours before you'd land. It was the longest night of my life. You were landing early the next morning, and I stayed up all the way through. I couldn't sleep. I sent you a text, so that you’d see it when you landed. I knew your phone would already be blowing up but I didn’t want you not to have anything from me. ’

‘What did it say?’

‘ _We are going to be ok, I promise, baby. Just breathe. It’s going to be alright._ ’ Timmy said. ‘I mean it now, too, by the way. _We_ are going to be ok,’ he kissed Armie’s hand softly. ‘I promise, baby.’

Armie nodded with a small smile at the tenderness of Timmy’s lips on his knuckles, his thumb, his wrist. Timmy’s lips lingered there and Armie’s fingers rested on his face, cradling his cheek. ‘Thank you,’ he said softly.

Timmy smiled gratefully. ‘It was a shitshow when you landed. Paparazzi were everywhere but you obviously ignored them all and got into a cab - you thought the paps were just doing their regular thing, and you're an expert at avoiding and tuning them out, so. You had no idea anything was wrong or out of the ordinary. You went home, but Liz and Harper were gone - in Texas, she hadn’t told you - and she’d changed the locks, so you couldn’t get into your own home. Your phone was dead, it had died on the plane because you were listening to music. I couldn't go anywhere near your house what with everything happening. You figured she’d changed the locks because of a security issue, you didn’t know it was because of _you_. So you went round the back because -’

‘She always leaves a key under the flowerpot,’ Armie finished for him.

Timmy nodded. ‘Right. So you let yourself in, triggered the alarm, which sent an alert to Liz. She called the police and they arrested you for breaking and entering.’

‘Oh my _god_ ,’ Armie said incredulously.

‘When they said it was your wife who’d sent them, you figured _something_ had to be wrong, so you called Nick to come bail you out. You couldn’t remember my number by heart and your phone was dead - plus we’d been avoiding being seen publicly anyway. Nick bought you straight to my friend’s place. To me. And we told you everything, showed you the video...Nick left us alone for a bit and tried to get through to Liz. We were both kind of a mess but you much more so than me. When your phone got power, the text messages on there nearly swallowed you whole.’ Armie was sitting, staring at the ground. He seemed numb. ‘Hey, we can stop for a minute if you want,’ Timmy said. ‘I know this is a lot to take in.’

‘I just...this is worse than anything I could have imagined.’ Armie stood up and and took a few steps, leaned against the wall, then looked back to Timmy, whose eyes had filled with tears. ‘Love?’

‘I knew - I knew you’d leave,’ Timmy stammered.

Armie’s eyes widened. ‘No, no - I just had to pace a little. Moving helps me process. I’m not leaving, I swear,’ he said coming back and taking Timmy’s hands firmly.

Timmy rolled his eyes. ‘Of course you always pace. I knew that. Fuck. I’m just paranoid.’

‘No, I get it. I should have been more -’

‘No. No, no.’ Timmy laced his fingers through Armie’s. ‘I don’t want you to regret any reactions you have. As long as you are _allowing_ yourself to feel and react as honestly as you can, I don’t want you to apologise or hold back. You never need to hold back for me. I never want you to keep anything in.’

Armie kissed each of his knuckles. ‘You’re too wonderful for words,’ he said quietly. ‘But you can’t and shouldn’t put up with me being inconsiderate towards you. Don’t ever let me hurt you. Ok?’ Timmy nodded. ‘Ok. I’m here. So what happened next?’

‘The backlash started.’

‘How bad?’

‘It was all over the news and social media. Everyone knew. Elizabeth did a bunch of interviews and the world pretty much took her side and everyone hated you. Hated both of us. You deleted everything - twitter, insta - because people kept spamming you with abuse. Your agent was really pissed and eventually dropped you…’

‘What about the movie?’

‘Tom reshot your scenes from Nocturnal Animals. He’s actually still a friend, he was totally sympathetic about the whole thing. He came over to check on us in the heat of it. It was actually you who suggested reshooting - it was only his second movie and you weren’t in many scenes, it wouldn’t be that difficult. He didn’t want to but all the producers were pushing him, and you told him to go get someone else. You didn’t want to tank his film or his career. Birth of a Nation was dead on arrival but mostly because of…’

‘Right, yeah,’ Armie remembered the scandal with the director that had occurred at the time.

‘Free Fire completely tanked. Didn’t get picked up by any distributors. And they re-recorded all your scenes from the Pixar movie with someone else’s voice. And...I think that’s pretty much it. In terms of what was coming out at that time.’

‘I mean, I meant our movie. It was still incredible, surely everyone was able to see past this bullshit.’

‘Oh. Well, uh, no.’

‘No?’

‘When I woke up here...I was shocked, I couldn’t believe it was getting so much attention. I mean, I got nominated for a fucking _Oscar_ in this world.’

‘You didn’t get the nom?’ Armie asked, incredibly sad.

‘It got nothing. Sufjan got a nod for Mystery of Love but he wasn’t asked to perform. Didn’t win, obviously. That was it.’

‘James didn’t win?’

‘James won, here?’

‘Yeah.’

Timmy sighed. ‘Damn. No. It won nothing. Not just that night, but...every awards body. A few nominations here and there but nothing for you or me, just smaller stuff.'

'Except Austin, though, right? You said you were there before you...showed up here.'

'Yeah, we were all pretty confused about that but obviously I didn't complain. Maybe they voters don't watch the news. I don't know. But I tried to make the most of it. I didn't know if I'd ever get the chance to do that again, you know, like, give an acceptance speech. So I really tried to enjoy it and soak it all up for that one night.'

'Your acceptance speech?'

'Oh...' Timmy realised what Armie was getting at. 'Yeah.'

'I didn't get recognised at all,' Armie said quietly. 

Timmy shook his head. 'I'm sorry. I told you at the time, it shoulda been you -'

'Oh, don't do that. You make me sound like I'm bitter. Of course I'm glad you were awarded, god knows you deserved it.'

Timmy put his hand on Armie's leg. 'Armie. You can be disappointed. It's ok.'

Armie nodded slowly. 'Do you remember the speech you made?'

'Yes. It's actually almost identical to the one I gave here. I watched the videos. Obviously, I talked about my husband, not my 'friend' and there were far fewer mentions of Elizabeth,' he said, trying to joke but realising from the look on Armie's face that it was too soon for this. 'Sorry,' Timmy murmured.

'No, no. It's ok. I'm just processing all this.' After a pause, he asked, 'so the movie tanked?'

'It didn’t exactly tank...it was barely shown at all, anywhere. It didn't get picked up for wide release. Nobody wanted to watch it. It got really good reviews from actual critics but they all kind of finished their articles by reminding the readers that this is the movie that tore apart a family, and that it’s difficult to forget that everything playing out onscreen played out in real life too.’

‘You used to say that. On the press tour, like as a joke. That everything that happened in the movie happened in real life too. Then you’d laugh and say you were kidding, immediately. It always made me feel strange.’

‘Well. No-one would pick it up for distribution and the major festivals wouldn’t show it. It was only at some smaller ones. We tried doing a Q and A but people kept telling me that I was disgusting for destroying your family, and that you were disgusting for cheating on your wife with me, and Luca was disgusting for enabling this...you got pretty mad. Shouted a few things and stormed out. We didn’t do any more after that.’

‘This...this ruined your career, didn’t it?’

Timmy shrugged. ‘What career? I was nobody. I still can’t deal with being famous here.’

‘When it came out, everyone adored you straight away and they all knew you were the next big thing. Everyone could see how incredible you were, how unique and special. Didn’t the offers just start rolling in?’

‘I mean...no. Nothing. Ladybird didn’t suffer because I was playing an asshole and the world saw me as an asshole, so that was ok. I was glad about that. I love Greta and I didn’t want her to suffer. She had no budget to reshoot my scenes but she refused anyway. She didn’t want the movie to come out if I wasn’t in it.’

‘She’s a real one.’

‘She is. But after that, absolutely nothing. For either of us, actually. You got offered a small role on something, on TV, but you declined it. I...I’m yet to book anything.’

‘What about Beautiful Boy?’

‘They cancelled my callback.’

‘The King?’

‘I’d never even heard of that until I set foot here.’

‘So we’re both just going to auditions? Living the classic struggling actor life? Jesus.’

Timmy bit his lip. ‘ _I’m_ going to auditions. And you...you don’t act anymore.’

Armie frowned. ‘I don’t act?’

‘No. You got to a point where you just didn’t want to do it anymore. You weren’t getting anything decent, all the progress you’d made over the years had just gotten wiped away, and the main thing is that you basically lost interest in it because...I remember you said, _Timmy, I can’t love something that doesn’t let me love myself enough to be who I am and love who I love. I can’t love acting if acting won’t let me have you._ So you called it quits and while I think a part of you will always be a little angry, and will always wonder what-if, you’re so, so much happier than you were when I first met you and I think you’re actually able to enjoy life, now.’

‘You don’t feel that way?’

‘Huh?’

‘You still love acting even though acting won’t let you have me?’

‘I never lost anything. I never had anything taken away from me like you did. I had no taste of success or anything. The way I see it, I’m no different to most other actors my age. My reputation definitely precedes me but I’m hopeful that with enough time, it will get better. I’m determined to make it work. For me and you and the kids - but also for the rest of the world. I want to be successful and make people feel less scared to be who they are. I want to break the cycle. I’m determined to prove to everyone that I can love you and still act.’

He kissed Armie firmly. They looked at each other for a moment, Armie smiling a little but still looking very thrown by everything.

‘So what am I doing, if I’m not acting?’

‘Oh, right. You work at a restaurant.’

‘I - what?’

‘Yeah, like a really good one.’

‘For real?’ Armie asked, looking curiously excited. ‘What do I do?’

‘You’re a chef.’

‘Am I good?’

‘You’re _really_ good at it and you really love it. And I love watching you cook and letting you feed me the food.’

Armie smiled shyly, blushing at the image and nuzzling Timmy’s neck. ‘Is there steak?’

‘There’s an entire _page_ of the menu dedicated solely to steak,’ Timmy told him, making them both laugh.

‘Sounds about right. Do I uh...do I wear one of those chef outfits?’

Timmy elicited a low little growl. ‘Yeah you fucking do. You wear the shit out of it.’

‘Wait, _wait_ \- it’s one of your kinks?!’

Timmy ducked his head and looked at Armie from beneath his lashes. ‘Sir, I’m your new sous chef, it’s my first day and I’m afraid I’ve already done something very, _very_ bad.’ He put his lips to Armie’s ear and breathed, ‘I burned everyone’s dinner. Every last dish, Sir. I need to be punished. I deserve for you to put me over your knee and punish me, severely, for my behaviour, Sir.’ He immediately sat back and appeared nonchalant as he casually said, ‘yeah I guess you could say it’s a kink.’ Armie was staring at him, his mouth hanging open in awe. ‘Oh, and you’re also saving to open a specialty cigar shop,’ Timmy added.

Armie laughed. ‘Well. I have always wanted to do that,’ he said wistfully.

‘I know.’

‘So...I lost my career and the world hates me. But I’m happy? We’re happy, I mean?’

‘We are. Very.’

‘So...you were worried that I cared so much about my career and fame that I’d freak out and leave you alone?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You’ve been so convinced I wouldn’t be able to keep my promise, but did you really think I cared more about my career than anything else? Than _you_?’

‘Oh. No, no. No. First of all - it’s more about what I know your career represents to you, on a deeper level. It's been your entire life - and it wasn't just losing you career, it was losing the entire crutch that was your public image and its rules and securities. You'd lost your safety net, your sense of normalcy. You lost all these things that had been major components of your life, for so long. It was a long, difficult journey for you to process and you definitely did not adjust easily. But, no. I was actually more worried about how you'd react to what came next.’

‘Oh?’

‘So...back before you got the restaurant, like, fairly early on while you were still trying to make acting work, things were really tough for you. Like, Nick and I were actually really worried about you. You went to some pretty dark places. The divorce process was destroying you, Liz was being really tough on you and she kept bringing things up to make you look bad, things that were private that she’d learned from you. We couldn’t believe she was using them against you. You really felt like you were losing everything. All these things that had been your entire life, for so long, had suddenly gone, you know? It was always gonna be an adjustment but we never imagined it going like this. You were just so hurt by everything.’

‘Did that make things harder for you?’

‘To see you like that?’ Timmy blinked, some tears falling. ‘You were so sad and depressed and I just didn’t know what to do and I felt like it was all my fault,’ he said all in a rush, the pain he thought was long past suddenly bursting out of him.

‘Oh, love…’

‘I remember you were so down. Hardly anyone was talking to you. You were barely eating, and smoking like a chimney. You didn’t want to have sex. Nick came by almost every day until you told him to fuck off.’ Armie rolled his eyes and smirked. ‘We had to do no booze and no weed for a bit, I was worried you’d wind up dependent on it.’ Timmy exhaled. ‘Harper would get dropped off once a week - Liz eventually had to give in and let you see her, so the nanny would drop her off - but you were such a wreck, you’d cry in front of her, she didn’t understand what was happening and she’d get upset too. She was so little back then, you know? She didn’t know why I was always around and she didn’t know why you and her and Liz weren’t all together like normal. You told me that you’d look at her and not know what to do. You felt so much regret for the circumstance that she now lived in.’

Timmy took Armie’s hand as he continued. ‘I remember once I went out to get food, and when I got back you were holding her really tightly and you were crying, and she was crying but not because there was something wrong with her, but the way kids cry when they see their parent cry, and it shocks them that their parent is just as breakable as them, and they cry out of surprise and sympathy...she was sniffling in your lap and you were fucking sobbing and you were apologising to her, _I’m so sorry Hops, I’m so damn sorry baby girl, you deserve so much better,_ and I was so stunned, I dropped all the groceries on the floor and then you asked me to take her, said I _’m the worst thing for her right now, I’m just gonna hurt her even more_ and then I had to cuddle her and take her to play outside while you holed up in our room. She said she didn’t know Daddies could be sad.’

‘Fuck,’ Armie sighed in a low whisper. ‘That’s so much for her to deal with. So much for you to deal with.’

Timmy shrugged. ‘I knew what I was signing up for. It wasn’t a burden.’

‘Did it get better with Harper? Is she doing ok now? I’m happy, right? So I stopped being so weird and heavy with her?’ Timmy paused. ‘Timmy?’

Timmy shook his head slowly. ‘I was in New York when it happened. I had to go home for my Mom’s birthday and we both agreed you weren’t in a great state of mind to come. So you stayed in LA. Nick was looking after you so I felt ok about leaving. It was only for a weekend, I’d be right back. You were going a little stir crazy and you decided you wanted to go out for dinner. So you and Nick went for sushi and it was all fine. Nick deliberately chose this lowkey place that had low lighting and all the seating was in high-back booths, so you wouldn’t have people seeing you. You were in such a good mood, you decided you wanted to go for a drink. Nick checked you were sure you were up to that, and you assured him you were. No-one had said anything to you at the restaurant, you felt like maybe it would be ok to go to a bar. So you went and it was ok for a little bit. But this one guy kept yelling stuff. You ignored him. But he kept going. Then he said something about me being your whore, and you snapped.’

‘What did I do?’

‘You just went off on him. All the shit that had been building up inside you for months boiled over, and then it came to me, and that was your breaking point. He wasn’t as big as you, and you grabbed him and easily threw him against the bar, and just kept punching him over and over and over. You told me it was like something took you over. You couldn’t stand him going after me.’

‘I must have been so mad, if I went that far.’

‘You were. It was like you were a grenade whose pin had been pulled out. You couldn’t see clearly anymore. He represented everything and you couldn’t stop. Nick and two other guys had to pull you off of him. Then the cops came, you were arrested…and then you persuaded the guy not to press charges by paying him a huge settlement. So we thought we’d gotten through it, we thought it was over. You and I had a pretty frank discussion and I basically forced you to go to therapy, because clearly things were not ok. I saw the guy’s face and it really scared me. But I knew it was because he was being so fucking homophobic and awful. It’s not like he didn’t deserve it. Anyway. Yeah. We thought it was over. But then, after the divorce was settled, we were in the custody hearing, and Liz had somehow gotten ahold of the security footage from the bar. Her lawyer used it to argue that you were an unfit parent, your lawyer fought back as best she could, but the footage was pretty bad.’

‘So what happened?’

‘You only get the kids once a month. One weekend, once a month.’

‘Oh my God. Jesus fucking _Christ_.’ Armie was staring straight ahead, mouth hanging open.

‘The video somehow mysteriously leaked to the press, too,’ Timmy rolled his eyes, ‘and everything by this point had kind of started dying down and then it all just started back up again.’

‘She did it strategically, then.’

‘Yep.’

‘Fucking hell.’ He sighed. ‘So that’s what you were scared of me knowing.’

‘Yeah. Yeah. You almost lost the kids and now you barely see them. Those weekends are the worst part of our lives. They’re so fucking hard. For all of us.’

‘Is it gonna be like that forever?’

‘I don’t think so. But for the short term foreseeable future...yes.’

‘You told me I was happy.’

‘You are.’

‘Even with this?’

‘This is a horrendous asterisk to our happiness. But it doesn’t erase it.’

Armie nodded. ‘The kids...surely they’re affected by all this.’

‘Ford doesn’t really have a clue,’ they both managed small laughs, ‘Harper doesn’t understand fully but she’s a smart girl.’

‘She picks up on things.’

‘Yeah. She’s always so excited when she arrives and then gets really upset when she has to leave. She never wants to go.’ Armie’s eyes were starting to fill with tears. ‘She doesn’t know why Liz hates you. She realises that this is just how things are now but she doesn’t know why. She loves our house.’

‘Does she love you?’

‘Yes. You’re still number one, don’t get me wrong. But yes.’

‘I’m glad she loves you.’

They sat still for a few minutes. Timmy suddenly started crying. It crept up on him unexpectedly and wouldn’t stop.

‘Hey, hey, what’s wrong?’ Armie rubbed his back soothingly.

Timmy tried to talk a couple of times before finally choking out, ‘you wouldn’t have had all of this happen without me. And now I’ve shown up here and I’ve been so reckless and maybe it’s all going to happen again to _you, here, now_ , because I just can’t seem to love you without destroying you, Armie.’

Armie put his hands on Timmy’s shoulders. ‘You have not destroyed me. _You have not destroyed me_. You...Timmy, you have changed me, so deeply and fundamentally. I was never the same after Crema. And it was for the better. I know I’ve been scared, but what scares me is not what I would lose, it’s not knowing how to deal with everything I’d gain. I don’t know how to handle my feelings for you. I don’t know how to sort them all out, I don’t know how to...I don’t know how to function in the outside world anymore, and I don’t know how to be everything you need and deserve, and I can’t imagine being without you, and that overwhelms me. I’ve never felt that way about anyone. You don’t destroy me, love, you _disarm_ me. And I love you for that.’ He kissed Timmy hard, but Timmy suddenly whimpered, breaking the kiss, shaking his head and moving away.

‘God, I don’t deserve all these words.’

‘Why are you so...I mean, forgive me, but it seems like you would have been through all these emotions and talked it through at the time? I don’t mind, at all - you never have to hide from me - I just don’t understand why it’s all coming out now?’

‘I felt all of this at the time but you were hurting _so much_ and I couldn’t add to your burden with my own bullshit and insecurities - it was so early in the relationship and I was so young and didn’t know what I was doing in general when it came to love. And it all became so serious so suddenly - and I didn’t want to lose you. I used to worry that you’d realise your mistake. I used to worry that one day you’d realise, I was just a stupid little twink that you looked at too long and got carried away with. And now I’d ruined your life completely. I just...I mean, how the hell could anyone be worth that?’

‘You are. You are worth it.’ Timmy shook his head. ‘You are. And you are not some twink, I never want to hear you say that again. You’re not a mistake and the way I feel about you is not a mistake, and it’s not shallow or casual. The opposite.’

‘God, I’ve just been so selfish. I thought I was doing this for you - I could see how unhappy you were and I _knew_ how happy you were capable of being, I couldn’t stand seeing you stuck in the life you’re living here. But maybe I was only doing it for me...maybe everyone was right, maybe I don’t really care about anyone else.’ Armie laughed. Timmy scowled. ‘Why are you laughing at me?’

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, just - oh Timmy. You are one of the most caring people I’ve ever met. I’m telling you, you’re just plain wrong about that. Like I said, you’re not some twink, you’re not just a fuck. I mean, I haven’t even fucked you. Yet. This is deeper than that and I’m pretty sure the other version of me feels the same, or else he wouldn’t have happily given everything up to be with you. I know you say it was taken but believe me, there are _always_ ways to get out of these things. If other-Armie really cared about those things, more than you, he would have dropped you easily. Would have fought it relentlessly and come out the other end a little damaged but not ruined, and would have left you behind immediately. But he didn’t. Do you think he ever even considered leaving you? I doubt it.’

‘No. I know it never even crossed his mind,’ Timmy said.

‘There you go.’

‘But -’

‘No. I know it’s hard to feel like you didn’t do wrong, like it isn’t all your fault. But I’m telling you, it’s not. I mean, everything you’ve told me so far, you’ve never once come off as selfish. And everything you’ve done since being here, I don’t think you were motivated entirely by your own whims and desires. I know you weren’t. I have felt so much warmth and support and love from you. I’ve felt you believe in me and I’ve felt you want me to reach this place for _myself_ , not because of what you might get out of that. When I first managed to tell you I loved you, the first thing I saw on your face was how _proud_ you were of me for saying it. The gratification came second. Timmy, you’re not selfish and you’re not responsible for anything that happened. I know I wasn’t there but I believe that completely.’

‘I wish it had all gone so differently there. I must have been put here for a reason, right? Maybe I’m making a mess of it here, too.’

‘Well, we haven’t fucked on camera and I haven’t beaten anyone up, so we must be doing something right,’ Armie tried to joke.

Timmy managed a small smile. ‘You just roasted yourself.’ They laughed.

Armie put his arm around Timmy and pulled him in, kissed the top of his head. ‘Thank you for telling me all of that. I know it wasn’t easy. Are you ok, love?’

‘Yeah, I’ll be fine. It’s just hard to relive it all. It’s like opening wounds, you know?’

‘Of course.’

‘Thank you for everything you said. You’re...you’re too good to me.’ Timmy shifted and kissed Armie. ‘I love you so fucking much.’

‘I love you so fucking much too.’

‘Are you doing ok? Having heard all of that?’

‘I don’t know. My head is spinning, honestly. I mostly just feel so sad for you, that you suffered so much and also missed out on everything that you’ve been able to have here.’

‘Armie, I don’t give a fuck about any of it. It’s all irrelevant if I’m not with you.’ Armie shook his head. ‘What?’

‘I’m just...I’m just some guy. I’m not worth losing everything over…’

‘You’re not just some guy, you’re not just some fucking guy,’ Timmy told him forcefully. ‘It isn’t about what I lost. It’s about what I _gained_.’

‘You...really love me that much?’

‘Yes, you wonderful idiot.’

‘But...but…’ Armie shook his head again. ‘Nothing.’

‘First thought.’

Armie slid off the bed to the floor, his knees curled up and his head bowed. ‘But I’m not good enough’, he said in a small voice. ‘I’m not good enough to make up for...I’m not a good enough substitute for...Timmy, you deserve so much more than me.’

Timmy got down on the ground beside Armie. ‘Armie. Armie fucking Hammer. I don’t know how to tell you how wrong you are.’ He could see Armie’s back quivering, which meant he was trying not to cry but beginning to fail. He gently ran his fingers through Armie’s hair, massaging his scalp. Armie let out a shaky breath. ‘When I met you, nothing else mattered. The rest of the world was black and white...I realised I’d been _living_ in greyness, and when you walked into my life you bought all the colours with you. When we first kissed, I felt like Dorothy stepping into Oz, and I never left. Until I woke up here, that is.’

Armie sniffed. ‘Could you have come up with a gayer analogy?’

Timmy laughed. ‘I’m sure I could think of one,’ he teased. Armie looked up, his eyes shiny, but he smiled at Timmy, who considered him carefully. ‘I forget how different you are. You’re still stuck in a lot of old hangups that my Armie used to have. Other-Timmy never had the chance to change any of them.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like...you don’t think you deserve all that much in life. You have so little sense of your self-worth and you don’t even see anything wrong with that. You don’t let yourself get too happy, ever. It’s hard for you to say what you’re really thinking. And you haven’t quite opened yourself up to realise the potential of your heart. Your heart...has never been at full capacity.’

‘See? You deserve someone who isn’t so fucked up,’ Armie whispered.

‘No, no, no. That’s not what I’m saying. I love you, no matter what - and you’re not fucked up, ok? You’re just scared, and that’s ok. Everyone has things that hold them back. I do too. We’re best friends, brothers, partners, husbands - we accept each other no matter what, we watch each other change, we help each other become our best selves and our love never wavers for a second. I woke up here and saw how different you were, and I still loved you, didn’t I? I still came in hard, relentlessly, didn’t I? I missed my Armie at first and a part of me probably always will - but you’re not a substitute, you’re not second best, you’re not a consolation prize. You’re the love of my life, no matter which life I’m living in, you are always my one and only. You’re not just some guy. You’re _the_ guy.’ Armie was starting to smile through his wet, shiny eyes. ‘What?’

‘You...you must love me,’ he said simply.

‘I - I mean, yeah,’ Timmy laughed.

‘I really believe it,’ Armie told him.

‘You don’t need to be anything other than yourself - and yourself will change and evolve, but I’ll always love it.’

‘Thank you,’ Armie leaned over and kissed his knee. ‘I’ll always love yourself too.’

Timmy smiled and kissed Armie’s knee, then let his head rest there. After moment, he felt Armie shift slightly. He rolled his head around and noticed his bulging crotch. ‘Now? Really?’

Armie rolled his eyes and stood up. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m having this reaction,’ he said, standing awkwardly and scrunching his face up. ‘Gimme a sec.’

‘Oh dear god, _don’t_ get rid of it,’ Timmy said, springing up and immediately grabbing his crotch, kissing him.

‘You...you want to?’

‘I mean, I’m always in the mood.’ Timmy started removing Armie’s jeans as Armie tugged off Timmy’s belt. ‘Shit, we don’t have any lube.’

‘I picked some up when I went out for the breakfast things,’ Armie said. ‘Condoms too. Just in case, you know?’

‘You’re incredible.’

‘The bag on the desk.’

Timmy tossed the brown paper bag onto the bed before throwing himself on the pillows and taking off his shirt. He looked up at Armie expectantly, his legs parted, waiting. Armie was staring at the ground, his brow furrowed. ‘You ok?’ he asked. Armie nodded and sat on the edge of the bed, not looking at Timmy, but his hand came to rest on his pale knee. Timmy sat up. ‘Hey, we don’t need to do it right now. I know it’s a big step. Sorry if I pushed you.’

‘No, it’s not that, I…’ Armie was hunched over slightly. ‘I was just wondering if…’ he looked sideways at Timmy. ‘I don’t know if you ever...I just was wondering if maybe you’d…’ Armie’s cheeks were turning beet red. ‘Never mind, you’ll probably hate the idea.’

‘Tell me, babe. I’m sure I won’t hate it.’

Armie closed his eyes for a second, then opened them, looked directly at Timmy. ‘Would you maybe fuck _me?_ ’ he asked quietly. Timmy’s eyes widened, to which Armie grew even more red and winced. ‘Forget I asked,’ he said quickly, embarrassed. ‘You hate it.’

‘No, I’m just surprised is all, baby,’ Timmy told him gently.

‘You don’t...you guys don’t do it that way?’

Timmy shrugged. ‘Not really. Not never, just, not really.’

‘Of course…I shouldn’t have asked.’

‘No, we can do it. If it’s what you want, if it’s what you need.’

‘I want...oh, it sounds so _stupid_ ,’ Armie muttered.

Timmy kissed his temple. ‘You can tell me anything.’

‘I want...youtotakecareofme,’ he barely managed to get the words out. He was staring resolutely downwards.

‘Armie,’ Timmy said softly, ‘look at me.’ Armie glanced at him sideways, then squeezed his eyes shut as he looked down again. ‘Sweetheart. Don’t be ashamed of this.’

Armie turned his head towards Timmy but still couldn’t quite meet his eyes. ‘I - I want to be beneath you. I want to be…’ he trailed off.

‘You can say it. I’m never going to think badly of you, I promise you.’

Armie managed to look at him. ‘I want you inside me, I want to feel you...I want to feel you on top of me,’ he said quietly, still hesitant to ask for it. Timmy nodded. ‘You don’t want to, do you? You’re not...you don’t want me like that.’

‘Of course I want you like that. I want you any and every way. But that way specifically, yes, I do want to. I do want you like that.’

‘But it’s not…’

‘What?’

‘It’s not attractive.’

‘Why wouldn’t it be attractive?’

‘I’m...you know. I’m big. I’m supposed to be, like…I’m meant to take care of you. I can’t ask you to do this, oh fuck, I can’t believe I even said it. You’re so soft...I can’t also be...I’m so much bigger than you, I can’t ask...I'm not supposed to be that way. I'm not supposed to.’

Timmy knew this was Armie’s masculinity bullshit that he couldn’t fully articulate. ‘You can be soft,’ he told him decisively. Armie blushed and looked at him, surprised. ‘You can be as soft as you want. You can be vulnerable, you can be underneath me. It’s all beautiful, I swear.’ Armie blinked, biting his lip uncertainly. ‘Armie, it’s not weakness,’ Timmy told him bluntly. ‘You can do what makes you feel good and you can ask me for what would make you feel good. Feeling good, that's the way you are supposed to be, believe me.’

‘Is that still…’

‘It’s incredibly attractive,’ Timmy answered, kissing his cheeks slowly.

‘You’d take the lead? It’d be ok for you?’

‘More than ok.’

‘I love you and I just want you to…’

‘To take care of you.’ Timmy kissed him. ‘You’re adorable. I don’t care how big you are. You are adorable and cute and sweet and soft and so, so lovely.’

Armie was half smiling, stunned at the words. ‘R-really?’

‘Really really.’ Timmy kissed him again. ‘I will take care of you,’ he promised, ‘I will always take care of you. I love taking care of you.'

‘I know it’s not normal to want this and I almost didn’t ask…’

‘I’m really glad you did. It’s completely fucking normal to want this, I promise. You can always ask me for what you want. I never want you to feel like you can’t. Now, why don’t you move back a little, so we can do this,’ Timmy said gently.

Armie moved up the bed. He seemed nervous. ‘I know it’s not supposed to be this way...’ he murmured, sounding almost apologetic.

‘Hey. If you want it, then that’s the way it’s supposed to be.’ Timmy smiled, kissing him lightly to reassure him.

‘You’re sure you don’t mind?’

‘Of course not,’ Timmy kissed him.

‘You’d still want me? Want me that way? I don’t want to be...not what you want.’

Timmy deftly bought Armie’s leg up to his shoulder and pressed a long, hard kiss to his calf before releasing it. ‘Yes. I want you that way.’ Timmy could sense this whole thing was Armie’s long repressed need for reassurance about his identity, long pushed down, and now desperately screaming to be heard after hearing all of Timmy’s revelations. Timmy was more than ready to reassure Armie, to force him to drink a gallon of self-acceptance and to make him feel beautiful. ‘What do you want?’ he asked gently.

‘I mean...I don’t really know how it all works, I don’t really know what to ask for.’

Timmy nodded. ‘Ok, so...how do you want me to make you feel?’

‘Warm...safe…’ he confessed, blushing.

‘You don’t need to be embarrassed.’

‘Wanted...special, I guess,’ he whispered.

‘That can be arranged,’ Timmy grinned, taking his hand and kissing it. He sensed Armie had one more thing to say, so he waited. Armie looked fearfully into his eyes.

‘I want you to make me feel smaller than I feel the rest of the time,’ he finally said. That was it, Timmy realised. That was what Armie had always wanted.

‘I understand,’ Timmy assured him.

‘It’s not stupid?’

‘It is absolutely one hundred percent not stupid,’ he promised Armie.

He ran his thumb over Armie’s cheek. ‘Slow your breathing, baby, it’s ok. It’s ok. You don’t need to be scared. I’m gonna take care of you.’ He felt something melt in Armie as he said that, and indeed, his breaths became more steady and even. ‘That’s good. Good baby,’ he experimented with the phrase, and noticed how Armie’s breath caught in his throat, clearly turned on by it. Timmy smiled. Armie seemed to have surprised himself by his own reaction. ‘Don’t worry. It isn’t bad to enjoy this. It isn’t bad to want this,’ Timmy promised him. ‘Ok. Now. Let’s go slow, yeah?’

‘Yes, please.’

‘Ok. I’m just gonna make sure you’re all good and relaxed down there, ready for me. Does that sound good?’

‘Yeah,’ Armie breathed.

Timmy moved slowly down until he was between Armie’s legs. ‘I love how you look,’ he told him, kissing the crease of his inner thigh, then moving his mouth towards his opening. He knew Armie had never really been stretched before, so he wanted to relax him completely as he loosened him up. Timmy knew he’d probably need to use his tongue and fingers together. He slowly teased Armie with his tongue, feeling him tense and tighten almost instantly.

‘Sorry, I’m nervous,’ Armie told him. ‘I’m not used to giving myself up like this. I want it, though. It’s just new.’

‘I know, babe, I know,’ Timmy murmured. He took Armie’s hand and rubbed soothing circles into his palm as he resumed, using his thumb to begin gently suggesting the idea of stretching. Armie was still far too tight. Timmy couldn’t get a finger in there, never mind anything else. He could hear Armie’s breaths, quick and shuddering, feel his body shaking with tension.

Timmy propped himself up on his elbows. He saw that Armie was craning his neck downwards, looking at him anxiously, which now turned to sheepish guilt, having been caught. Timmy smiled. ‘I told you to relax. You don’t need to watch me, I know what I’m doing.’

‘I just feel like you’re doing all the work, if I just lay here, I mean...I’m just not used to not doing anything.’

‘I know you’re used to being dominant but this is about me taking care of you. All I need you to do is to do...nothing. Seriously, that’s all I need from you.’

‘This was a fucking stupid idea. I’m never gonna be able to let go enough,’ Armie’s head flopped back on the pillow hopelessly. ‘I can’t do it,’ he said in a small, defeated voice.

Timmy scrambled up and sat beside him. He could tell Armie needed some serious help with releasing, and he had an idea of just how to relax him. ‘Ok. Ok, I think I know something that’ll help.’

‘Please.’

‘It might be weird but it works, I swear.’

‘Whatever it is, just do it, please.’

‘Ok.’ Timmy lay down next to Armie, who turned his head to look at him. ‘No, no. Look at the ceiling, and breath slowly in and out. Just listen to me, ok? I’m not going anywhere. Just breath in. And out. In. And out. Don’t let yourself focus on anything except breathing, and listening to me. Don’t focus on any thoughts. Keep breathing.’ Armie was staring at the ceiling and breathing very slowly. ‘Good baby.’ Armie promptly exhaled, simultaneously aroused and releasing more tension.

Timmy continued. ‘Ok. Now, every time you exhale, let your eyes close.’ Armie did so. ‘And then when you breathe in, open them again.’ Armie did so. ‘Keep doing that, letting your eyes open and close. That’s it. Keep going. Every time you breathe out, let all your worries and stress and tension leave you. They leave your body with your breath. As you exhale, you exhale all the negativity. Closing your eyes every time, feeling that relaxation that happens every time you breathe out and push the bad thoughts away. It feels so good, right?’

‘Uh huh,’ Armie breathed.

‘It’s getting pretty hard to open your eyes each time you breathe in, right?’

‘Mm hm,’ Armie agreed.

‘Yeah. Every time you breathe in, it’s such a struggle to open them. And that’s ok, baby. It’s good. That means you’re really relaxing.’ Armie breathed in, his eyelids just managing to flutter open before he gave in and exhaled, letting them slip shut. ‘Mm, your eyes are feeling so, so heavy. It’s getting so hard to open them. But you don’t mind. It makes you feel good, feeling yourself slipping deeper and deeper into relaxation. You feel so good right now. Keep going. Now, take one deep breath in, just struggling to open your eyes.’ Armie did so, his expression glassy, glazed over. ‘And hold it for a moment. And as you breathe out, just let your eyelids lock shut.’ Armie did so.

‘Good. Good baby. Keep breathing. But your eyes stay shut. You can’t open them anymore. They’re just too heavy right now. And you just feel so good right now. So relaxed right now. You don’t even care that you can’t open your eyes. You just feel too good. Your head is so empty, no stress, no worries. Every time you feel a bad thought, you just exhale, and feel it leave you.’ Armie exhaled. ‘Good. Now, I’m gonna touch you a little. Is that ok?’

‘Y-yes,’ Armie managed to whisper, his voice thick.

‘Ok.’ Timmy slicked his fingers with lube and gently slid one into Armie. It went in easily. He was so much looser. Armie let out a happy little grunt. Timmy smiled. ‘Aw,’ he said fondly, making Armie shudder with pleasure at Timmy’s endearment. Timmy moved his finger, knowing just how to do it. ‘You keep on breathing. Yes. Keep on breathing. Good baby.’ Armie moaned and his hips rolled. ‘Your body is feeling so good. You just want me to keep touching you, don’t you?’

‘Mm.’

‘You just want to keep being my good baby, don’t you?’

‘ _Mm_.’

‘I know you do.’ Timmy added a second finger. Armie sucked a breath in, hissing slightly at the initial feel. ‘It’s ok. You’re doing so good. I’m so proud. So proud of you. And knowing that I’m so proud, just makes you feel even better.’ Armie’s hips moved tentatively. ‘Yeah, that’s it. Find what feels good with my fingers. Go on.’ Timmy moved his fingers in rhythm, encouraging Armie to join, which he did. Timmy watched a dreamy smile cross Armie’s lips, and he couldn’t help but smile too, happy to see Armie enjoying himself. ‘There you go. That feels good. You love how this feels. You love feeling your body hanging on my every word. You love moving your body in accordance with how I touch you. You love how this feels. You love how this feels.’

‘ _Mmmmmmm_.’ Armie elicited a long, blissful moan of agreement as he rocked back and forth with total abandon, his hand grabbing a fistful of the sheet and holding tight.

‘That’s good. You like it like this.’ Armie was starting to get hard, as was expected, but not too much just yet. Still plenty of time. Timmy added the third finger. Armie’s grinding halted for a second as he adjusted. ‘The third one’s tough, but it’s going to be ok, I’ve got you. I’ve got you,’ Timmy soothed him. ‘You’re doing so good for me. You’re so loose. You’re doing so good. Keep on breathing. Keep on letting go. Yes, good baby.’ The praise melted Armie so easily, so predictably. ‘It’s so cute, watching you like this,’ Timmy told him. ‘You’re so beautiful. I’m so proud.’

Timmy bent down and licked Armie, poking his tongue in too for good measure, causing Armie to groan erratically, grinding his hips more fluidly. Timmy observed Armie’s cock growing more erect. He’d have to stop soon, before Armie came too soon. After a moment, Timmy gently withdrew, eliciting a little whine from Armie. ‘It’s ok, it’s ok baby.’ Timmy’s thumb circled his hole gently, ensuring Armie stayed loose and relaxed.

‘You did so good. So good. Ok. Now, I’m gonna count up from one to five. As I count, you’re gonna let yourself drift out of this deep, deep relaxation. When I reach five, you’re gonna open your eyes. You’ll still be relaxed. You’ll be refreshed, ready for the next part. You’ll still be calm. You’ll still be feeling so, so good. Ready? One. Two. Drifting. Three. Nearly there. Four. Almost. Five.’ Armie’s eyes blinked open. Timmy smiled down at him. ‘Hey.’

Armie smiled back. ‘Hey.’

‘You feel good?’

‘So, _so_ good, love.’

‘Good. Ready for the next part?’ Armie nodded quickly, making Timmy laugh. ‘You’re so sweet,’ he said, reaching for a condom from the bag. ‘Ok.’ He positioned himself, lifting Armie’s legs. ‘Ok, breathe steady for me.’ Armie did so. Timmy carefully pushed into Armie. He thought it might take longer, might have to go more gradually, but Armie was so loose - and Timmy felt his strong hands reach up to his hips and slide him neatly into place, like he belonged there. Armie moaned with pleasure. ‘You were so ready for me, babe,’ Timmy grinned, starting to grind his hips.

‘That feels so _good_ ,’ Armie groaned, as Timmy moved down, closer to Armie’s face and kissed him hard.

‘You feel amazing, babe. So good, so fucking good.’ Armie clenched around Timmy, making Timmy grunt in surprised arousal. ‘Oh, _fuck_ , that was _nice_ ,’ Timmy gasped as Armie did it again, making himself moan too. They both began to move quicker, their orgasms starting to stir and creep up on them.

‘I love this so much, Timmy,’ Armie stuttered.

‘Me too. Me too,’ Timmy agreed, his voice breaking into another moan. He felt himself getting close, and noted that Armie was maybe not quite as close, so he took his erect cock in his hand, to Armie’s delighted surprise, and worked it fast.

‘Oh _god_ , wow,’ Armie cried out, his words giving way to a blissful moan.

Timmy started slamming more quickly into Armie’s prostate, hitting him harder. Armie’s eyes rolled upwards. Timmy smiled, happy to see him giving himself over and letting go of his control. ‘You’re so beautiful like this,’ he told him. ‘My gorgeous, gorgeous baby.’

Armie let out a long groan at what Timmy’s words stirred in him, unable to speak. Timmy, feeling himself getting insanely aroused too, thrust more quickly, causing Armie to buck his hips mindlessly into him. ‘Oh fuck, I’m so close,’ Armie gasped after a moment.

‘Same.’

‘Oh, Timmy, I’m gonna -’

‘Do it.’

‘Huh?’

‘Come on my chest, please, I want you to,’ Timmy told him.

‘You’re sure?’

Timmy rubbed his thumb over Armie’s tip, making him moan and splutter, as the two of them moved frantically, so close. ‘ _Do it_ ,’ Timmy practically growled. ‘Come. Come now.’

Armie let out a loud groan as he obliged, spilling beautifully onto Timmy. He somehow managed to clench around Timmy’s cock again, and that was enough to send Timmy over the edge too. ‘Oh _shit_ ,’ Timmy moaned, collapsing forwards onto Armie and sighing happily. He pulled out after a moment so that he could position himself better, one leg between Armie’s and one swung over, resting on the bed. He was half propped up, his thumb absently rubbing small circles into Armie’s chest.

Armie took his other hand and kissed him. ‘Timmy, _thank you_. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. All of it.’

‘It was good for you?’

‘It was incredible. You’re so good at that...you made me feel so good.’

Timmy kissed his neck. ‘I’m glad. That’s all I wanted.’

‘Thank you for trying so hard. You put in so much effort.’

  
‘I wanted you to be able to let go and enjoy it fully.’

‘Yes. I...I liked that, the first part. The hypnosis. I...really liked it, actually. I liked how it felt.’

Timmy grinned. ‘Yeah?’

‘Mm. I liked it more than I thought I would. I knew what you were doing and I considered telling you to stop because part of me was scared, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop because I just felt so good...I really liked it. Thank you for that.’

‘I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to give yourself over to it, but you...I mean, you really took to it.’

‘Yep. I guess I did. And then it made the next part so much better.’

‘Yeah, I think it makes for a really intense orgasm.’

‘Yeah. You made me feel able to enjoy it.’ Armie kissed the top of his head. ‘Where did you learn how to do that?’

‘You - other-you - did it to me a few times, back when...I had a phase where I found it really hard to really get into sex and really enjoy it because my mind kept telling me I was hurting you, destroying you, and if I kept doing it I’d ruin you even more. No matter how much you told me it wasn’t true, the voices in my head and all the bad thoughts, they didn’t let up. I’d wind up crying, struggling to breathe. You were so worried about me. And then I felt even worse because I’d ruined your life by sleeping with you and now you couldn’t even fuck me anymore. Then one day you tried it, hypnosis, and I felt better than I’d felt in a long time. I melted into your every word. You made me feel so safe. I figured that’s what you needed right now, so. I tried it.’

‘I’m really glad you did.’ Armie ruffled his hair. ‘I’m sorry you ever felt that way, though.’

‘It’s in the past.’

Armie shifted so that they were lying face to face. ‘I want you to know, I just went deeper, with you, than I’ve ever gone with anyone and deeper than I thought it was possible for me to ever go. But you took me there. You helped me. I felt so safe with you.' He kissed Timmy. 'You made me feel like it was ok to be...to _be._ To be myself. To feel all those things that I've always pushed down. You...you _fucked_ me,’ he murmured with a wide grin, ‘I still can’t believe it, you fucked me.’

‘And I’d do it again. And again and again and again. And again after that.’

‘I’m gonna hold you to that,’ Armie laughed. ‘But seriously. I love you.’

‘Love you too.’

They lingered on the bed for maybe an hour or so, before both of them drifted into easy, blissful sleep.

 

*******

 

‘Monsieur. Monsieur Hammer.’

Timmy awoke to the sounds of loud knocking and a woman’s voice calling from the hall. He shook Armie awake.

‘Une minute, s'il vous plait,’ Timmy called. ‘Dude, put something on. Someone’s at the door.’

Armie grabbed a robe and threw one to Timmy, and laughed. ‘Oh god. Your chest…’

Timmy smirked, grabbing a couple of tissues and trying to wipe the spunk off, not easy after the amount of time it had been drying and congealing on him.

The knocking started again. ‘Alright, alright,’ Armie went to the door. A young woman wearing the hotel uniform stood in the doorway.

‘May I come in?’ she asked anxiously, stepping in anyway before Armie allowed her. When she saw Timmy, she gasped. ‘Oh, mon Dieu,’ she murmured, shaking her head and looking worried.

‘What is it?’ Timmy asked.

‘It’s true.’

‘What’s true?’

‘You - you two must know already. You must have been warned,’ she said.

‘What are you talking -’ Armie began, before Timmy interrupted.

‘My phone was on do not disturb,’ he said as he strode quickly towards the nightstand.

‘Mine too,’ Armie muttered.

Timmy found his phone, glanced at the home screen, and closed his eyes, his chest suddenly incredibly tight. ‘ _No_ ….’ he whispered.

‘What?’

Timmy breathed in sharply. ‘Twenty. Missed calls,’ he gasped, clutching his ribcage, feeling like it might explode. Armie rushed to him, put his hand on Timmy’s back. ‘From Brian. _Shit_.’ Timmy exhaled shakily, catching his breath. ‘It’s happening again.’

‘What is?’

‘It has to be.’

‘You mean…’

‘Someone...somehow...but how?’ Timmy turned slowly to look at the young woman, still stood there.

‘The girl who cleaned your room before. She took photos, of the bed, and…’ the woman trailed off. No more explanation was needed. Both men knew what had happened. They stared at each other.

Timmy shook his head, his eyes filled with fear and apologies. ‘I’m - sorry. I’m - so sorry,’ he spluttered as he sank to the floor and pressed his back to the wall, closing his eyes and breathing heavily, erratically. Armie knelt before him and took his hand. Timmy laced his fingers and gripped his hand so tightly that both their knuckles turned white.

‘Timmy, hey, hey -’ Armie tried to calm him down, but Timmy shook his head, crying and trying to speak.

‘It’s. Happening. Again. Armie.’ He gritted his teeth as he tried to breathe; his lungs felt awfully tight. He looked at Armie, whose face looked terrified. His vision blurred as he cried and sniffed, and he blinked, seeing spots. ‘Can’t. Breathe. Can’t. _Breathe._ It’s. Happening. _Again._ ’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what did you think????!!!! PLEASE let me know, I know there were quite a few twists.
> 
> thank you for bearing with me. I love you all so much. <3 <3 <3


	11. chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok soooooo a lot of you were pretty...um...CONCERNED, to put it lightly, after the last chapter. lol. lololol. I'm sorry. and I'm sorry about this too.
> 
> I wrote this short chapter to try and calm y'all down before I post a bigger one at the weekend...but...as it started racing...it became something else...and all I can say is...I'm really sorry???? but also...please don't hate me...thanks....I HAVE A PLAN OK I PROMISE.

‘Breathe in. Two. Three. Out. Two Three. In. Two. Three. Out. Two. Three,’ Armie said slowly, steadily. They continued for a couple of minutes until Timmy had his breathing under control.

‘Ok. I’m good. Thank you,’ he told Armie.

‘Of course.’ Armie tried to comfort Timmy, who was staring despondently straight ahead. ‘Love? What is it?’

‘I did it again. I destroyed you, again. I fucked everything up, again,’ he said in a tiny voice. Tears started rolling down his cheeks. ‘It’s happening again. I can’t cope with it again. I can’t. And you don’t deserve it. Oh god. I’m so sorry, Armie. This is all my fault. I’m...I’m such a shit. I can’t believe I did this to you again.’

‘You did nothing,’ Armie began, but Timmy’s breaths became erratic again. ‘It’s ok, keep breathing, ok, in, two, three, out, two three. There’s no use in panicking. This isn’t your fault,’ Armie said, though Timmy noticed his brow was furrowed, lightly glowing with sweat, and his cheeks pale.

‘Armie?’

Armie closed his eyes, shook his head and exhaled slowly. ‘I’m fine,’ he said. ‘Don’t worry about me.’

‘You have to call Liz,’ Timmy said after a moment.

‘Yeah. She can’t find out about this at the same time as the rest of the world,’ Armie agreed.

The woman, still standing there, cleared her throat tentatively. They both jumped, having forgotten she was even there. ‘Um, Madame Chambers already knows,’ she told them, her voice nervous.

‘ _What?_ What exactly has happened?’ Armie demanded, striding towards her. In his desperation and urgency, he didn’t realise how terrifying he was. Her eyes widened and she took a step back.

‘Armie, you’re scaring her,’ Timmy said, putting his hand on Armie’s back to stop him.

‘I’m sorry,’ Armie told her, sincere. She nodded. ‘I didn’t mean to be so...I’m sorry. Could you tell us what exactly happened?’

‘The other girl, she came in to clean and she took photos of the bed, the trashcan, the bathroom...and she sent them to your wife. She is a big fan. She follows her on instagram.’ Armie rolled his eyes. ‘And she said...she said that your wife deserved to know that you were destroying her beautiful family with this...um…’ her worried eyes looked towards Timmy for a second before looking away.

‘What did she say?’ Armie asked quietly.

‘She just meant me, it’s obvious,’ Timmy said.

‘What the _fuck_ did she say?’ Armie’s voice was dark.

‘I don’t want to say it, I’d - I’d never -’ the girl stammered.

‘Just drop it, it doesn’t matter,’ Timmy tried to take Armie’s hand but he clenched it into a fist.

_‘What the fuck did she say about Timmy?’_

‘She called him your - your - oh, she called him your - your gold-digging limp-wristed cocksucking slut,’ she said, all the words tumbling out in a sickened rush. ‘I am so sorry,’ she began, but Armie suddenly overturned the glass coffee table, enraged, smashing it.

‘Fucking _cunt!_ ’ Armie yelled.

The girl screamed and slid down the wall, bringing her arms up around her face in terror.

Armie let out an enraged noise, stamping on the frame of the table until it buckled, furious tears streaming down his face.

‘ _Armie_ ,’ Timmy grabbed his forearms in a tight grip. ‘Cut it the fuck out,’ he told him firmly. Armie stopped, breathing heavily, but Timmy stepped past him and immediately went to the girl and tried to comfort her. ‘J’suis très désolée,’ he told her. ‘There is no excuse for him scaring you like that, shouting at you...I’m sorry I didn’t stop him.’

‘He’s dealing with a lot, I understand people can have big reactions,’ she said shakily.

‘It doesn’t make it ok,’ Timmy turned towards Armie, who looked shocked and furious with himself. This rage, it had only shown its face on a handful of occasions - less than a handful, even - but it never failed to stop Timmy in his tracks and horrify him. Still looking at Armie, he said, now in English, ‘there is no excuse for it.’

Armie looked at the two of them, his expression strange. His eyes widened briefly and his shoulder’s lurched forwards slightly as he suddenly threw up all over the glass, very messily and noisily. Timmy stared at him. This wasn’t like Armie.

‘Ah, mais non,’ the girl sprang up and ran into the bathroom, returning with the trash can and a towel. She grabbed one of the water bottles from the fridge. ‘Allez,’ she took Armie’s hand and guided him to the chair by the window. She opened it. ‘The cool air will help,’ she said, placing the trash can in his lap and the water on the window ledge.

‘I’m sorry,’ Armie croaked, his throat ravaged by the acidic vomit. ‘Maybe I'm sick...'

'No. Your body is trying to get rid of all your tension, your fear, however it can,' she told him. 'You must be very stressed out by all this.' Timmy tried not to roll his eyes.

'My behaviour just now. That was so uncalled for. I'm so sorry.’

‘I know it was not about me,’ she said. ‘I was just a little worried in the moment that you would fail to remember that.’

Armie nodded. ‘Yes. And I shouldn’t have been so inconsiderate in how I reacted.’

She shrugged as she wiped his clammy face with the towel. ‘You must love him,’ she nodded towards Timmy.

‘Of course. But I scared you. And that glass could have gone anywhere.’

‘I’m ok. Your foot, on the other hand….’

Armie glanced down. He’d only been wearing the post-sex robe, and his bare foot was slashed and bloody from where he'd stomped on the table and trodden in glass. ‘Oh Jesus. I barely felt that until now.’

‘Shock can numb almost anything else,’ Lise said as she reached into her pockets and produced a tiny first aid kit. She ripped open a small foil packet, removing an antiseptic wipe. ‘This will sting,’ she warned as she gently began cleaning. Armie hissed as it came into contact with his skin. ‘Sometimes we don’t realise just how much we have hurt ourselves until it is too late.’

Armie exhaled as the weight and truth of her words hit him. ‘How do you know all this?’ he asked, leaning towards the window to gulp in cool air from outside.

‘I work in a hotel,’ she said simply, making Armie manage a small laugh. She wrapped his foot securely with white bandage. ‘Ok. I will go and find a room we can move you to. This one is no good anymore.’

‘Wait,’ Armie said. ‘God, I’m so, so sorry. You just took such good care of me and I didn’t deserve it. I swear, I’m not usually like that. That’s not me. I’m really sorry,’ he told her.

‘I know. I have seen interviews with you. I know you’re not usually throwing tables,’ she tried to joke. Armie just sighed. ‘Really, Monsieur Hammer. It’s ok. Worse things have happened to me.’

‘I find that hard to believe.’

‘Monsieur, this is a hotel in Paris. The city of love but also the city of no boundaries,’ she said meaningfully.

‘What’s your name?’

‘Lise.’

‘Lise. I will leave you the biggest tip of your life when I check out. Please use it to get by while you look for another job.’ She laughed. ‘And please - I would love to take you to dinner, by way of apology, before I leave.’

‘Not necessary, really.’

‘I insist.’

‘We’ll see. I’ll be back later, Monsieur,’ said Lise as she pulled the duvet from the bed and placed it over the glass and vomit on the floor, making it safer - and slightly less unbearable to look at.

‘Call me Armie,’ he called after her, as she left.

The door clicked shut. Armie looked hesitantly towards Timmy, who was glowering at him. ‘Hey,’ he said to Timmy softly, apologetically, experimentally.

‘Oh, going to acknowledge me now that you’re done flirting?’

‘Wait - what?’

Timmy rolled his eyes. ‘Not like it’s even what I’m mad about right now, but that was fucking embarrassing.’

‘I was trying to be nice. I was awful to her, I wanted to make it right.’

‘You were flirting.’

‘I was not!’

‘I know flirting, that was flirting.’

‘Are you - jealous?’

Timmy’s cheeks flared up, pink. ‘No.’

Armie’s mouth twitched, suggestive of a smile. ‘You are.’

‘No, don’t fucking get off topic. This is fucking irrelevant.’

‘Right, right - we need to deal with this, I need to call Liz and -’

‘Armie. No. I’m talking about your outburst.’

Armie rolled his eyes. ‘It was nothing. I just saw red for a second.’

‘Right. That’s the problem. We all see red sometimes. That reaction? That’s not ok.’

‘What else was I supposed to do?’

‘ _Not_ smash a table and scare everyone around you.’

‘Were you - did I scare you?’

‘A little. Yeah.’

Armie's face fell. He looked so disappointed in himself. ‘Timmy. Timmy - I’m so sorry.’

‘I know you’re sorry. But I’m not telling you that it’s ok. I will not put up with it. It is - it is not acceptable.’

‘It was because I love you. It was because of what that other girl said about you, I couldn’t stand that somebody would say that about you, _fuck_ ,’ Armie growled, throwing the trash can to the ground with a loud clunk.

‘This is what I’m talking about. The physical reactions. They’re not ok. They can get out of hand. They can hurt people.’

Armie looked at him urgently. ‘Timmy, I would never hurt you.’

‘I believe that, but I can’t be with someone who would hurt others.’

‘But the guy in the bar, in your world -’

‘That was the first and only time it had happened. And we had a pretty intense talk after that, a very difficult talk - you have no fucking idea how difficult - and I insisted that you see a therapist, and you agreed. Besides, that was a little more justifiable. He was right there, and...probably deserved it. This was a girl, younger than me, and she was only the messenger - and, no offence, but you haven’t been through anywhere _near_ what my Armie had gone through by the time he was broken and fucked up enough to react to that guy like that.’

‘I’d never hurt you,’ Armie said again, his protesting a little more futile.

‘You need to learn how to deal with things in a way that doesn’t hurt _anyone_. Because we’re barely _one hour_ into this shitstorm and you already did that, Armie.’ They paused. ‘You gotta figure your shit out. I love you, but I can’t be with you if you don’t work on this,’ Timmy told him honestly.

They sat in silence, Armie staring at the floor. ‘I don’t know what came over me,’ he muttered.

‘I know.’ Timmy stepped around the blanket and sat on the edge of the bed, a few feet from Armie. ‘It started in your stomach, right? Then your chest felt like it was on fire? And you had to do something to stop the burning?’

‘Y-yes. That’s...exactly how it feels. How’d you...oh. Right.’ Armie said quietly.

‘Been there, done that,’ Timmy shrugged. ‘I know it’s never intended to hurt. But it does. It hurt me just to watch you, Armie. It hurts to look at you in that kind of agony and it hurts to watch you lose control for that brief moment. I love you so, so much. I love you too much to let you keep going like this. That was just...chaos.’

‘I don’t know how to stop it,’ Armie whispered, sounding fearful.

‘We’ll figure it out. It can be changed. I know it can.’ Timmy kissed the top of his head.

‘You’re way too good for me. You deserve someone better, who has their shit together…’

‘Armie, _no._ Do not ever, ever, fucking say that again. I don’t want to hear you talk about yourself like that. About us like that.’ Armie opened his mouth to protest, but Timmy stopped him. ‘No, no. I don’t wanna hear it.’

‘Timmy -’

‘Nuh uh.’ Timmy kissed him gently. ‘You deserve to be happy, Armie. And you deserve my love. I never want you to doubt that.’

‘I...I didn’t know if you’d want to kiss me again.’

‘I will _never_ want to stop kissing you. I did it once and I never intend to do it again,’ he told Armie firmly with another soft kiss. ‘But let's return to this later. Right now, we gotta deal with this bullshit.’

Armie groaned. ‘Right, right. Jesus.’ His head fell into his hands. ‘Oh, it wasn’t supposed to go like this.’

‘I know, babe.’

There was a knock at the door. ‘It’s Lise,’ came her voice from outside.

‘Come in,’ Armie answered.

Lise entered. ‘There’s another room for you,’ she said.

‘Already?’

‘Mm hm.’

The men sprang into action, gathering up their things which were admittedly not many, since Armie’s stuff was still at Pauline’s.

Lise led them out of the room and down the hall. ‘It’s just at the end here. Big corner window with a beautiful view,’ she said.

‘I thought this floor was fully booked,’ Armie said.

‘It is,’ said Lise as she knocked on the door. ‘This room was just rented, but you know the occupant.’

‘What’s going on?’ Timmy asked skeptically. ‘Who is in here?’

The door opened, and the two of them froze.

Liz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....very, very sorry. feel free to come to Amsterdam and beat me up. again, I HAVE A PLAN.
> 
> lemme know what u thought........
> 
> a bigger, fuller chapter coming at the weekend. stay tuned.


	12. chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY heyyy!! Here is the new chapter!! I hope you enjoy it!! Thanks for all the love and investment you guys have in this, it blows me away <3 <3 <3

**Chapter 12**

 

The men stared at Liz, shocked.

Neither knew what to say.

Liz rolled her eyes, amused. ‘Oh, honeys, come in,’ she said. ‘It’s ok.’ She held open the door and let them inside. ‘Merci, Lise,’ she said. Lise nodded and walked away as Liz shut the door.

Timmy and Armie looked each other, both terrified. Liz looked them up and down and shook her head. She burst out laughing. ‘You two look a sight in those robes.’

‘Liz, what are you doing here?’ Armie finally managed to speak.

‘I got the photos and I figured I should get here as soon as I could.’

‘But...there’s no way you got here from LA…’

‘No, I was in London for a book launch. We were both invited, I reminded you.’

‘Right, I...I guess I forgot.’

‘No, I know you’ve been busy. It’s ok.’ She smiled sympathetically at Timmy. He didn’t understand why she was being so calm. ‘So yeah, I went right to Heathrow and I landed here about two hours ago.’

There was a puse.

‘So, what are you going to do?’ Timmy asked tentatively.

‘About what?’

‘With the photos. Who did you send them to? Do you know how much traction it has?’ he elaborated. ‘I’m too scared to look. I haven’t been on my phone.’

Liz’s eyes widened. ‘Timmy, sweetheart...I haven’t sent them to _anyone_. I wouldn’t, I’d never.’

‘Then...what are you going to do with them?’ he asked fearfully. ‘You - you’re going to blackmail us, aren’t you?’ his eyes were wide and his chest got tight.

‘Timmy, it’s ok,’ Armie turned to him, massaging his shoulders. ‘She’s not gonna hurt us.’

‘Yes, darling, I could never,’ Liz came towards him and took his hands, ‘it breaks my heart that you’d ever even think that.’

Timmy nodded. He reminded himself that this was _different_ , that this was _not_ the same Liz. ‘I’m sorry,’ he told her sincerely. ‘I’m just stressed out.’

‘I know, honey, I know you are.’ They stood there awkwardly before Liz spoke again. ‘As soon as I got in from the airport, I talked to that maid. I convinced her to delete all the pictures and I gave her a cheque to keep her quiet. And I also came because it’s clear that we all need to talk. Make a plan. Figure out what’s best for all of us. And the kids.’

‘I’m really sorry, hon,’ he told her.

‘I know. I know you are.’

‘I should have talked to you.’

‘Yeah, you should. But I know this is not easy to talk about. All the implications.’

‘I’m still sorry.’

She hugged him. ‘I love you, Arms. But not like Timmy does. And you’ve never loved me like you love him.’

‘I never knew, you know. I never knew until I met him…’

‘I know. I never knew until then, either. But I don’t wanna keep pretending. It’s depressing. And I love you both. I want you to know...I accept this, I support this.’

‘Thank you for being so...good about this,’ Armie added, as they moved apart.

‘Of course. I can’t find it within myself to be angry. It’s just...love.’ She stepped back, kissing Armie’s cheek. ‘We just didn’t have it, Arms. And that’s ok. Better to realise it now, before we wind up hating each other - and while I’m still hot enough to try again,’ she managed a small laugh. ‘So we’re gonna make the best of this. As little pain as possible. I won’t pretend there’s none. But there was always going to be some.’

‘I’m so sorry, Liz. I’m sorry for hurting you,’ Timmy told her.

She shrugged. ‘What’s done is done. I’m glad it was you. Out of anyone...you’re the best person it could have been. I’d be lucky to have you help raise my children.’

‘It’d be the biggest honour of my life,’ Timmy told her tearfully. ‘I love them _so much_.’

‘Oh, I know you do.’ She smiled at him. He smiled and blinked, tears falling. ‘Oh, you two. What the hell did you think I was going to do? I love you both. So much.’ She hugged Timmy hard, who held onto her tight.

‘You’re - you’re not mad at me? You don’t hate me?’

‘Never.’ She paused. ‘I used to be angry about this. Maybe at one point I wanted Timmy out of our lives...or for both of you to be out of mine...but that was reactionary. And it would have been cruel, not to mention stupid,’ she explained. ‘For too long, I pretended it didn’t really exist, this love between you. I thought that would be easier. But it’s clear that...pretending is not an option, anymore. And I don’t want to keep living the half-life we’ve been leading for the last eighteen months. It’s...unsatisfying. We both deserve more,’ she told Armie, ‘and I won’t raise the kids in a house built on falsities and denial.’ She bit her lip. ‘I’m done trying to keep this marriage alive when it’s clear that it’s been dead for a year. It’s fucking exhausting. I’m done.’

Armie nodded. ‘I’m done, too.’

‘I know,’ she raised her eyebrows. ‘And like everything that I do, I will do this well. I will make a success out of this.’

‘Oh, I’m sure you will,’ Armie said fondly. They all laughed.

‘It’s important that we all maintain a good, strong relationship. I don’t want some kind of toxic thing between us. That’s not pleasant for us and it’s _not_ good for the kids.’

‘I couldn’t agree more,’ Timmy said.

She took both their hands and squeezed them. ‘So. It’s really up to you two, how you want to play this. I don’t want to rush you. And you should both have your agents be involved, I think, for the career side of things.’

Timmy looked to Armie. ‘I mean, I don’t wanna come out, like, tomorrow...I think there does need to be some planning. Brian’s already on board. But Armie, it’s really up to you. I know it’s harder for you, so you decide, whether you want it to be in, I don’t know, two months, six months…’

Armie frowned. ‘You mean...less than a year?’

‘Uh, yeah,’ Timmy said.

‘Yes. It cannot go on for another year,’ Liz affirmed. ‘Have you two really not talked about this?’

‘Not in so much specificity,’ Armie told her.

‘Well, I will tell you both now, my only real demand is that, as long as you’re not out, you keep it secret. I mean, more secret than you have been up till now. No more strolling around Paris. No more sexscapades that could end up on TMZ. I mean, absolutely completely secret - because I will not be made a fool of. I’m not ok with that,’ she told them firmly.

‘Absolutely,’ Timmy agreed.

‘That’s gonna be unbearable,’ Armie sighed.

‘All the more reason to come out sooner,’ Liz said. Timmy shot her a grateful smile, which she returned.

‘Ok well. Let’s see. Maybe...oh, I don’t know…’ Armie muttered. ‘I don’t know when would be a good time. If there even is a good time.’

‘There’s not,’ Timmy told him. ‘But any time, at all, is better than being outed.’

‘I agree with Timmy,’ Liz added. ‘You won’t be able to control that.’

‘Exactly.’

Armie bit his lip, his leg shaking up and down. Timmy gently put his hand on Armie’s knee. ‘It’s ok, baby,’ he said softly, then quickly looking apologetically at Liz, realising that the term of endearment might make her uncomfortable. She smiled and shook her head at him, telling him not to worry about it. ‘We don’t need to decide right now. And maybe it’s better after we figure it out with our agents, too.’

‘Ok,’ Armie nodded. ‘Sorry...a lot of shit has happened in the last 24 hours.’

‘I’m sure,’ Liz said. ‘I have a question...and it’s ok if you don’t know the answer to this...but do you want to separate soon, appear single for a bit, and then reveal that you’re with Timmy? Or do you want to separate and then be with Timmy straight away?’

‘I don’t see what difference there is,’ Armie said.

‘Because one way makes it look like your marriage ending is unrelated to your loving me, and the other way makes it look like you left Liz _for_ me,’ Timmy explained.

‘ _Ohh_ ,’ Armie realised. ‘Which one would you prefer?’ he asked Liz.

‘I would prefer to end the marriage. The sooner the better. But, this is not about me.’

‘Of course it is. This is about the three of us, and the kids,’ Armie told her.

‘I think it’s better if the marriage ends first, too. And then we really, really cannot be seen together at all for a while. It needs to look unrelated. I think that’s better for all of us but especially Liz,’ Timmy explained.

‘Ok. I guess...I guess that’s what we’ll do then,’ Armie said heavily. He looked at Liz sadly.

‘Don’t apologise again. There’s really nothing to be done. This is just now our lives were supposed to work out, I guess.’

‘I mean...I cheated on you,’ Armie confessed.

Liz nodded. ‘I figured.’

‘How did you know?’ he asked.

She looked at Armie pointedly. ‘The way you sat down.’ He blushed. ‘I’m not judging, really. I’m glad, if anything. It's good you let yourself go there,’ she assured him. ‘To be honest, I don’t view it as cheating, not in the traditional sense. This is a part of you that you’d shut down and never explored, _and_ you are in love. For...I think for the first time. I know that what we have - had - doesn’t even come close. It’s not like you hooked up randomly with some other woman. You are in love. It...it is what it is.’

‘How are you so relaxed?’ Timmy asked her.

She shrugged ‘I already had my freakouts. They’re over and done,’ she told him. ‘I just wanna move forwards and make this work.’ She stood up and kissed them both on top of their heads. ‘I’m gonna step outside, ok? I think you two should talk privately,’ she picked up her purse and phone. ‘Arms - our flight is first thing in the morning. We need to leave here around 5am.’

‘So...so this is it?’ Armie asked, glancing at Timmy then back at Liz.

‘We need to go home and organise the...the divorce. And your kids miss you,’ she added.

‘Of course,’ Armie said heavily.

She picked up her computer and put it inside her purse, then picked up her phone. ‘I’m going to the bar for a drink, and I have to facetime the bakeries about some stuff...I’ll be a couple of hours,’ she said, looking at them meaningfully, ‘so you can say goodbye properly.’ She picked up her jacket. ‘Put the do not disturb sign on the door, and have Lise change the sheets before I get back,’ she told them, opening the door and taking one last look at them, both of them looking stunned at what she was saying. She gave them a small smile. ‘I know you’re gonna do it anyway. Let’s not pretend. And it’s fine. You’re not gonna see each other for a while. It’s ok.’ She left.

Armie and Timmy looked at each other. ‘You ok?’ Timmy asked.

Armie exhaled. ‘I mean, I’m shaken the fuck up.’

‘Me too. I can’t believe how...different she is,’ Timmy said.

‘I don’t know. I think she woulda reacted the other way, the way your Liz did, if things were slightly different. It’s like she said, she had her freakouts but she’s calmed down and moved on and she can see the big picture. I think other-Liz reacted before she saw the big picture. She just...had a split second where she reacted, instead of breathing. And I mean, if my Liz saw that video you mentioned, if such a thing existed, maybe she’d be more mad. We hadn’t actually done anything, at all, not even kiss, until I came here. So there’s a little less to be mad about.’

‘You’re right,’ Timmy nodded. He looked down, frowning.

‘Are you ok, love?’ Armie asked gently.

‘It just makes me wish I’d kept it in my pants a little longer. At least until we were away from a camera-covered film set. It might have all been so different.’ Timmy sniffed. ‘We went through so much pain - _you_ went through so much, probably more than me. All of that could have been avoided. And I always knew that, but to have just experienced that conversation, to have just fucking _lived through_ that...it makes it all hit home, so damn hard.’ He shook his head tearfully.

Armie pulled him close and kissed his head. ‘C’mere,’ he said softly, pulling Timmy into his lap. ‘I love you so much,’ he told him, ‘and I need you know how glad I am that this happened. That you’re here. I would not be where I am without you, without your belief in me. You gotta know that. I’ll be grateful for you, forever.’

Timmy turned into him, wrapping his arms around him and resting his head on his neck. ‘I love you so much, too, Armie. I can’t imagine my life without you, and when I woke up here and thought I would never have you again...I’d really never been more heartbroken.’

They sat together, not saying anything, for a few moments. ‘We can still text, right?’ Armie asked, his voice cracking slightly.

‘Oh my god, of course. We can call, facetime...it’s not like we aren’t allowed to speak. We just can’t see each other.’

‘Oh, fuck. I don’t know how I can do without this,’ Armie murmured, kissing Timmy slowly.

‘We would have to anyways. I have to go shoot The King. Surely you have something too?’

‘Yeah, in a week or so.’

‘There, see? It’s not like we could have stayed holed up together in hotels forever.’  
‘I wish…’

Timmy laughed, and kissed him back. ‘This is gonna be better, though. Don’t you want to do things together? Go to dinner? Museums? Walk by the river, kiss me in the park? Hold hands?’

Armie smiled. ‘Yeah,’ he agreed. ‘I want all those things.’

‘We’ll get through the shitty part, ok? Which honestly might not be quite as shitty as we thought, since Liz is being so amazing. And then we get to the good part. The rest of our lives.’ He smiled at Armie, who kissed him through a wide smile.

‘The rest of _our life_. One life. Ours. Together,’ Armie corrected him.

‘Yes. Yes. _Yes._ ’ Timmy turned and straddled him, kissing him a little more intensely, grinding into his lap.

‘I love kissing you,’ Armie marvelled, his hands coming to rest on Timmy’s waist.

‘Mm, me too.’

‘You’re right. It’s not that much time. We can make it.’

‘Of course we fucking can.’

‘I’ll get the divorce figured out. You go make your amazing movie. And I swear that by the time it premieres...we will be together for all the world to see. I will kiss you on the red carpet,’ Armie promised him.

‘I don’t fucking know when that one’s gonna come out,’ Timmy laughed. ‘But ok.’

‘Fine, then whatever’s next for you. Beautiful Boy? Never a more accurate title,’ Armie smiled, tracing the outline of Timmy’s lips with his thumb.

Timmy rolled his eyes. ‘ _Stoppp_ ,’ he laughed. He took Armie’s hand and squeezed it. ‘It’s ok if it takes you some time.’

‘Nah. Less than six months. Hell, less than three. I promise,’ Armie told him.

‘For real?’

‘For real. I love you. That’s all that matters. I’ll do right by Liz and the kids, of course. But I’m not waiting any longer than necessary. I’ve already gone too many years without you.’ He kissed Timmy again, who returned it gladly. After a moment, he wrapped an arm around Timmy’s waist, making him gasp in surprise, and took them towards the bed. ‘The chair wasn’t cutting it,’ Armie grinned, gently plopping Timmy down on the soft bedspread and pressing his body over his. He kissed him, pulled their robes open and began grinding into Timmy, rubbing their cocks against each other as the kisses became deeper, both breaking it to moan hot breaths onto each other’s faces as their arousals grew.

Armie suddenly slid downwards and pushed Timmy’s knees apart. He glanced up at him to check he was ok - Timmy smiled affirmatively - and Armie smoothly slid his tongue right inside Timmy, making him moan as his head fell backwards.

‘Ohh... _fuck_ …’ Timmy murmured, pushing his hips up urgently as he felt Armie’s tongue moving in teasing little motions, growing faster and faster. His felt his cock grow harder, as he arched his back, pushing his ass into Armie’s face mindlessly. ‘ _Unghnghnghuuuhhhh_ ,’ Timmy cried out, his fists clenching the sheets, eyes rolling back as he rode Armie’s tongue like his life depended on it.

He barely processed what was happening as he felt Armie’s tongue withdraw, making Timmy moan in protest, but less than a second later and Armie took him in his mouth, turning the moan into a groan of delight. The man had no gag reflex, it seemed, as Timmy felt his cock hitting the back of Armie’s throat. Then, to his utter joy and disbelief, he felt Armie push his finger inside Timmy, filling the space just previously occupied by his tongue.

Timmy swore he saw stars.

Armie brushed his prostate, for barely a second, sending Timmy into desperate spasms. ‘There - right - there,’ he groaned brokenly, grinding into Armie’s finger, marvelling at how Armie was doing this with his cock in his mouth at the same time. Armie found the sweet spot again, barely a moment later, and Timmy hissed in delight, letting out a stream of ‘shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit,’ a dreamy smile on his face. Armie’s hand found his, squeezing it tight, telling him he loved him without words, as Timmy let out a choked moan. ‘I’m - oh - I’m gonna - _oh!_ ’ he exclaimed, feeling himself approaching his climax.

Armie removed his mouth and propped himself up, chest over Timmy’s groin. ‘Come the fuck all over me, my love’ Armie ordered, his voice thick with desire, his eyes filled with adoration for Timmy. He kept the rhythm with his fingers inside Timmy, who nodded, and bucked his hips faster and faster, taking his cock in his own hand to aim it. He let out a long, shaky moan as he came all over Armie’s chest. ‘That’s it...that’s it...you’re so beautiful like this...so beautiful…’

As Timmy’s breathing slowed and his body relaxed, he looked up at Armie, dazed, and watched as he ran his finger slowly up his chest and sucked Timmy’s spunk off of it. Timmy grinned. ‘Kiss me?’

‘Always.’ Armie smiled back, leaned down and kissed him.

‘Shall I take care of you, now?’ Timmy suggested softly, his hand finding Armie’s cock and discovering that it was already hard as a rock. ‘Jesus, Armie.’

‘What can I say? Watching you turns me on,’ Armie grinned, as he repositioned himself to kneel over Timmy, who began propping himself up on his elbows, preparing to blow him. ‘No, no,’ Armie said gently, pushing Timmy to lay back down. ‘You did everything earlier. It’s your turn to receive. Receive everything,’ he said as he began tugging himself off.

Timmy melted into the pillows as he watched Armie, transfixed, his only resentment the fact that Armie was already so hard, so close, that this wonderful image would end all too soon. ‘Such a gorgeous baby,’ he told Armie, his voice dreamy in the aftermath of his own orgasm.

‘Fuck, get your mouth open, love...you know you’re mine’ Armie ordered, which Timmy grinned and obliged eagerly, closing his eyes as he felt the warmth of Armie’s pleasure hit his face, swallowing every drop that made it into his mouth.

‘Ungh...mm...so good…’ Timmy swallowed, sighed, licking his lips.

‘Let me help,’ Armie murmured, kissing and sucking Timmy’s face, taking his own ejaculate, then sliding his tongue between Timmy’s lips and pushing his spunk into his mouth.

‘We’re like bees,’ Timmy murmured.

Armie let out a surprised laugh. ‘What?’

‘Bees take the pollen and put it into another bee’s mouth, and that bee mixes it with spit and makes honey. Well, the first bee vomits it. But yeah. Oh man. That was a weird thing to say, sorry...forget I said that,’ he mumbled.

‘I will never forget that you thought about bees vomiting as you swallowed my spunk,’ Armie told him fondly. ‘I love that you thought about bees. I love you.’

‘Oh, I love you too. I love you too,’ he said, kissing Armie again, as he took some of Armie’s ejaculate off his own chest and slipped his finger into the kiss, letting them taste one another mixed together.

‘Heavenly,’ Armie murmured.

‘Mm,’ Timmy agreed. Armie lay beside him. Timmy stroked his hair gently. ‘We’re gonna be ok. You know that, right?’

‘Yes.’

‘You’ve been so brave, Armie. I’m so proud of you.’

Armie blushed and nodded. ‘Thank you, my love.’ Another moment. Timmy felt Armie quivering slightly beside him. He looked, and saw Armie was starting to cry.

‘Baby, baby...no tears. Come on.’  
‘I can’t stand the fact that I have to say goodbye to you.’

Timmy gently wiped Armie’s tears away. ‘Close your eyes.’

Armie did so. Timmy looked down at him sadly. He kissed Armie, slow and gentle. Then he pushed himself off the bed and darted to the door, grabbing his clothes from where he’d dropped them on the chair.

‘Timmy?’ he heard Armie’s voice as he closed the door softly, then sped quickly round the corner and opened the door to the stairwell. He changed into his clothes and then walked down all the stairs until he reached the lobby. He hid behind a large group of slow-walking tourists as he walked out the front door. One of the young boys dropped his cap, and didn’t notice. Timmy hesitated, then grabbed it and jammed it onto his head as he turned and walked down the street - and his phone rang.

Brian. Oh shit. He’d had all those missed calls. But...if the photos hadn’t gotten out, what was this about. He took a deep breath and answered.

‘Brian?’

‘Tim, finally, hey. Been tryna reach you.’

‘Sorry, stuff came up...everything ok?’

‘Tim, Denis Villeneuve wants to meet with you.’

‘Are you serious?’

‘Yeah. He’s emailed me like four times, that’s why I keep calling.’

‘What for? You don’t mean...he wants to work with me?’

‘I mean, why else? I don’t know what for exactly. I know what the word is about his next project. But he’s pretty desperate to talk to you.’

‘Damn,’ Timmy muttered. This was fucking unbelievable. But… ‘did you tell him about…’

‘No. I didn’t want to tell anyone without you knowing.’

‘Ok. Thanks.’

‘Yeah, of course.’

He felt his phone buzzing. Probably Armie. ‘Ok, I gotta go, someone’s calling me. Let me know the details for the meeting.’

‘Will do, kid.’

He hung up and looked at who was calling now. Pauline. He’d never been more glad.

‘Salut, ma belle soeur.’

‘Hey T, what’s going on? Everything ok? You haven’t been home.’

‘Yeah, no...are you busy tonight?’

‘I have a paper to write but we both know I’m not gonna do that.’

‘Ok so we can go dancing.’

‘We can definitely go dancing.’

‘Good. I need to go crazy tonight.’

‘That can be arranged.’

‘Ok, so I’ll meet you later around La Trocadero.’

‘That’s gonna be super crazy busy, don’t you wanna avoid -’

‘No. I don’t give a fuck. I wanna get lost in a huge crowd in the dark.’

 

*******

 

Hours later, they stumbled home, Pauline leaning on Timmy as they both laughed hysterically.

‘I’m so _drunk_ ,’ Pauline giggled.

‘No shit,’ Timmy told her, turning the key in the door. ‘I’m glad I didn’t have that tequila.’

‘It was _bomb_ , and you are a spoilsport. What time is it?’ she asked, stepping out of her shoes.

‘Uh...nearly 4am,’ he said, looking at his phone.

‘Damn. I have class in four and a half hours.’

Timmy raised his eyebrows. ‘We both know you won’t make it.’

‘You’d be surprised, little brother. I’d better go to bed so that I can get at least three hours.’

‘Ok...good luck I guess,’ he shook his head at her, bemused. ‘Hey, Pauline. Thank you for tonight.’

‘Anytime, Sweet Tea, any time,’ she slurred drunkenly, grinning as she went into her bedroom.

Timmy laughed, shrugging off his jacket and going into his room. He had barely closed the door when he felt strong hands pin him against the door. ‘What the _fuck_!’ he cried out, finding the light switch. The yellow light illuminated Armie, whose face was streaked with tears.

‘Armie?!’ Armie pressed himself against Timmy and kissed him hard. ‘Armie, what’s wrong?’

‘I’ve been waiting for you all night. For like...six hours.’

‘What? Seriously?’

‘I didn’t know where you were.’

‘Didn’t you call?’

‘I forgot my phone,’ he confessed sheepishly.

‘Oh, you dummy,’ Timmy smiled.

‘Don’t smile. I’m...mad at you,’ Armie tried to say forcefully.

‘Oh yeah?’ Timmy said, unconvinced.

‘You left me alone. I opened my eyes and you’d gone.’

‘I was trying to stop you needing to say goodbye to me.’

‘But you gave me no warning,’ Armie said sadly.

‘Ohh. I’m sorry, babe.’ Timmy told him sincerely.

‘Are you drunk?’

‘No. I stopped after only a couple. Pauline wasn’t showing signs of stopping and I figured one of us should be responsible. So, no. I’m not drunk.’ Timmy kissed him and pushed them towards his bed.

‘So what were you doing, if you weren’t drinking?’

‘Dancing.’

‘Dancing? With...with who?’

Timmy giggled. ‘Are you jealous?’

‘No.’ Armie looked away. ‘Were they good? At dancing?’

‘Pauline and her artsy friends are pretty good dancers, yeah.’

Armie pulled down Timmy’s pants. ‘You’re never to dance without me. I love watching you dance. You know that.’

‘Ok, ok, my jealous babe, I promise never to dance without you,’ Timmy smiled, laying back on the bed. ‘Don’t you have to leave for the airport?’

‘Yeah. In an hour. I had to get all my shit from here anyway...and I couldn’t resist seeing you again.’

‘I can’t believe you waited all night.’

‘I’d wait for you forever.’ Armie kissed Timmy gently. ‘Can we go slow? Not too slow, cuz, airport...but kinda slow?’

‘Of course.’

Armie shifted. ‘I wanna...can we switch? Can I top you?’

Timmy smiled and let out a happy little moan of anticipation. ‘Yes. Fuck, yes, Armie.’

After they found a condom and had prepared, Armie could barely look at him.

‘What is it?’ Timmy asked.

‘This...this might not be good. I’ve not done it like this before. And this is the last time we’ll have for a while, fuck, maybe this was a bad idea. We can do something else…’

‘Baby. We have all the time in the world to do this again and again and again. Don’t worry about it. It’s going to be good. I trust it. I’ll help you, ok? Believe me, you’re very good at this,’ Timmy smiled. ‘It’s ok. It’s ok.’

Armie nodded, blinked, letting some tears fall. ‘I love you.’

‘Love you too.’ Timmy took his hand and rubbed soothing circles into his palm. ‘It’s all gonna be ok. I’ve got you. I’ve got you,’ he said gently as he wrapped his arms around Armie. ‘Now. How do you want this to feel?’

Armie kissed him, then, his body and stiff cock pressed into Timmy’s, whispered, ‘hold me. Please, hold me from the inside.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought!!! <3 <3 <3 I love you all so much.
> 
> Note...I did not include a quote from the book at the beginning of the chapter. Just, in light of recent events. Until they get cleared up and clarified, I feel weird about preceding the chapter with that. I'm not gonna get into all that here! But I hope you understand that I didn't feel quite right. But I hope dearly that it is mistranslated or a hoax. We shall see. :(


	13. chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL. SO. I decided to try a chapter from Armie's perspective!!! he's very different to write from but I quite enjoyed it. I don't know what you guys will think....we shall see!
> 
> I basically intended a lil bit of smut and then some more plot but this turned into like 5.5K of smut and feelings, so I thought I'd post this as a chapter because it's a LOT. lol. I hope you like it...
> 
> thank you so much to all of you comment on this and enjoy it. it means the absolute freaking world. I love you all. <3 <3 <3

**CHAPTER 13**

Armie kissed Timmy gently. He knew what was going to happen, they both wanted it and there was no avoiding it any longer...but he suddenly felt incredibly nervous. ‘Can we go slow? Not too slow, cuz, airport...but kinda slow?’, he asked Timmy shyly.

‘Of course.’

Armie shifted, not sure how best to ask. ‘I wanna...can we switch? Can I top you?’

Timmy smiled and let out a happy little moan of anticipation, which warmed Armie’s heart and made him smile back. ‘Yes. Fuck, yes, Armie.’

After they found a condom and had prepared, Armie could barely look at him. He felt sweat building on his upper lip and the back of his neck - this always happened when he was nervous. He was going to be absolutely terrible at this. The other version of him, that Timmy was used to sleeping with, was probably amazing at this. How could he measure up to someone who had over a year of experience of Timmy’s body, who knew exactly where and when and how to make love to the younger man? That other Armie was probably fucking _perfect_ at this. He himself could never measure up to...himself. He sighed.

‘What is it?’ Timmy asked, as he ran his thumb above Armie’s lip, wiping away the sweat. Of course he fucking knows all my tells, thought Armie.

Armie managed to look up at him. ‘This...this might not be good. I’ve not done it like this before. And this is the last time we’ll have for a while, fuck, maybe this was a bad idea. We can do something else…’ How could he take the lead when he had no idea what to do?

‘Baby. We have all the time in the world to do this again and again and again. Don’t worry about it. It’s going to be good. I trust it. I’ll help you, ok? Believe me, you’re very good at this,’ Timmy smiled. That didn’t exactly make Armie feel better. Maybe in a _year_ he’d be very good at this, or even just alright. ‘It’s ok. It’s ok,’ Timmy reassured him.

Armie nodded, blinked, letting some tears fall. ‘I love you,’ was all he could say. It was true. He couldn’t believe Timmy still looked at him like this - like he was everything - when he was being so damn soft and emotional. He squeezed his eyes shut for a second and reminded himself that it was ok, that it was ok to have these feelings and Timmy loved and accepted all of it. The warmth of utter unconditional love that Timmy oozed and radiated with was a shock to Armie’s system, one that he was still getting used to and knew he would be for a while.

‘Love you too.’ Timmy took his hand and rubbed soothing circles into his palm. ‘It’s all gonna be ok. I’ve got you. I’ve got you,’ he said gently as he wrapped his arms around Armie. Armie breathed in Timmy’s hair, deep; lavender shampoo and sweet cologne, beneath layers of the alcohol and cigarette smoke that had clung to it from the club. It grounded him. ‘Now. How do you want this to feel?’ Timmy asked him gently. He couldn’t believe how Timmy was asking _him_ how he wanted it to feel. He didn’t deserve any of this.

Armie kissed him, then, his body and stiff cock pressed into Timmy’s, whispered the only thing that he wanted, the only thing he’d ever wanted: ‘hold me. Please, hold me from the inside.’ He’d finally found the words.

Timmy looked at him with such fondness that Armie felt overwhelmed by the depth and specificity that it conveyed. ‘Of course. Always, baby, always.’ Timmy kissed him. Armie loved that Timmy called him baby, babe...it softened him, made him melt, to have this smaller, far prettier and far sweeter person - who by all logic should be the one Armie was calling baby - call _him_ his baby...the word hit him somewhere in his chest, like it was forcing his heart to expand and his frame to shrink. The fact that Timmy looked at him - he, who had been always too big, too overbearing, too much - and decided Armie was his baby, his babe...it defied logic and was the sweetest, sweetest thing. A term of endearment that proved just how much Timmy knew him and just how right they were. This is why all Armie saw fit to call Timmy was love. His love. That feeling in his chest, it was love. And love was Timmy.

Preparing Timmy, touching him inside, hadn’t been new - even though Armie was by no means used to it, by no means over it, it wasn’t unfamiliar. He’d already done this a few times over the last week or so. That part, now done, Timmy now ready for him, wasn’t the part that scared him. Timmy now slid down slightly, lifting his legs up and resting his calfs on Armie’s shoulders. His ass, his hole, fully exposed. He looked so vulnerable, so brave, like this. Armie’s desire to take care of him burned hard and strong as he looked down at his pale little body, presenting himself to Armie with such conviction.

Armie kissed his leg. He knew what his body wanted to do right now. He just didn’t quite know how to make it reality...he knew the mechanics, the logistics, but he felt terrified of fucking this up. This wasn’t like when he first fucked a girl - sure he’d been anxious and clueless, but that kind of sex was what everyone and everything around him had been prepping and priming him for, his whole life, and he’d gone into it feeling confident and ready and _right_. And yes, sure, it had been absolutely terrible, that first time (and a few times after that) but he wasn’t in love with that girl. And if it had gone so badly then, when he felt confident, then how badly would this go? Worse, probably. He was breathing quickly, breaths shuddering, everything overwhelming him.

‘Ok, ok…’ Timmy’s soft voice snapped him out of his thoughts, and he slowly took his legs down, off of Armie, which made him let out a loud, frustrated, whimpering sob. He’d already failed.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry Timmy, you deserve better than this…’

‘No -’

‘Don’t, don’t try and make it better, it won’t work...fuck, how can I ever give you the kind of sex you deserve when the version of me that you’re used to is so much _better_ than me?’

‘Oh, Armieeee….’ Timmy looked half endeared, half distraught, ‘don’t think like that.’

‘The first time I fucked a girl, I was terrible.’

‘Yeah, me too, babe,’ Timmy joked, which made them both laugh. ‘Look, how old were you when that happened, like, half your age now, right? I’m pretty sure you have more control and awareness of your body, your cock, your orgasms, your pleasure, than you did back then. So that already means it’s gonna be better. And not to be presumptuous but I’m pretty sure that girl didn’t mean as much to you as I do.’

‘Not even slightly as much. But that’s why I feel even more nervous, Timmy...there’s so much to lose. I could destroy all this.’

‘Ok. Ok.’ Timmy sat up and took his face in his hands. ‘Armie. Baby. I love you, and a bad fuck is _not_ going to change that. A bad fuck is not gonna end our relationship. But I know it won’t be bad. Ok?’

‘Was your first time with other-me…’

‘It was good because it was me and you. It had its own pressures and we were both nervous. But it wasn’t bad. I swear.’ He kissed him gently. ‘I’m not expecting you to be at the level of someone who has been married to me almost a year. That would be ridiculous.’ That lifted some pressure certainly. Armie could breathe a little easier. ‘Now. I don’t want you to compare yourself to him. To yourself, fuck. Oh, Armand, only you could get so torn up comparing yourself to _yourself_ ,’ Timmy said fondly, pulling Armie’s head down, holding it to his chest.

Armie smiled into Timmy’s sweet smelling, warm body, nuzzling the soft, almost translucent fuzz that covered his chest. ‘What if I can’t make you feel good...it took me...well, I don’t want to admit how long it took me to understand what to do with a clit, it’s fucking embarassing,’ Armie cringed at the memory of when he finally, by total mistake and mere coincidence, made a woman come for the first time, and he’d yelled out in shock, convinced he’d somehow broken her pussy, thought the way she bucked and spasmed and cried out was a seizure that he’d caused her to have, or perhaps a stroke. She didn’t know what it was at first, either, having never had an orgasm - neither of the clueless teens even knowing that women could have them. Jesus...he squeezed his eyes shut at the awful flashback.

‘Baby, you’ve already touched my prostate with your own fingertips. We’re good there.’ Armie blushed at that. ‘No need to call 911 tonight… _please, help, I gave my girlfriend a heart attack with my fingers_ ,’ Timmy said in an impersonation of Armie, laughing. Armie looked up at him indignantly. ‘Oh - you told me. No way were you keeping that gem to yourself,’ Timmy teased.

‘Oh god,’ Armie groaned.

‘It’s ok. I think it’s funny. Slightly disturbing that the American education system failed you so deeply. But still really fucking funny,’ Timmy assured him. Armie just smiled at him. He was certainly feeling calmer, less pressured, and Timmy could sense it.

His chest already pressed to Timmy’s, Armie slowly pushed him down and this time, he took Timmy’s legs and hooked them in place. Timmy smiled as he exhaled and relaxed for Armie. Armie reached for the condom box as Timmy squeezed lube onto his fingers and slicked his asshole, putting a few fingers inside himself just for good measure, making sure he was still open enough - but Armie, quite instinctively, took his wrist and moved his hand away. ‘No, no. That’s _mine_ ,’ he told Timmy, his voice feeling thick. The way Timmy’s face lit up at this spurred him on; he pushed two fingers in, knowing he was more than able to take it, and the way Timmy’s eyelids fluttered and his hole just opened up for him made Armie grow steadily aroused. Timmy was ready, and so, finally, was he. ‘Are you ready, love?’

‘Yes. Yes, baby, please,’ he said breathily. ‘Oh, I’m so ready for you. I’m so ready for your cock.’ He licked his lips, forever red from his constant biting. ‘Put it in me, Armie, _please_ ,’ he moaned. Armie smiled. He positioned himself just right. ‘Ungh, don’t go slow, just do it, _just fuck me_ , I can take it,’ Timmy’s back was arched, his hips pushing upwards hungrily, dying for Armie’s cock.

Armie chuckled at the desperate little man beneath him. ‘Ok, my love, ok…’ Armie suddenly wasn’t so nervous anymore. His need to take care of Timmy once again burned urgently within him; his smaller body gravitating with everything it had towards Armie made him feel so important, and more wanted than he’d felt in a long time. ‘You’re so beautiful,’ Armie breathed out the words, as he instinctively, somehow, barely even thinking about it because it just felt so right and so necessary, moved down and let his hips meet Timmy’s, sliding his cock in smoothly and easily, like it belonged there. His throat tightened and his eyes watered, as he finally, finally understood what Timmy had meant when he described this as being like pieces of themselves they’d always been missing, coming together as one.

Timmy’s eyes closed and he let out a deep moan of satisfaction. ‘Oh…’ he mumbled, a half smile on his face, as he uttered the most tender, softest little ‘ _Armieee_ …’, so soft that he didn’t know if Timmy had really said it, but it made Armie just fucking melt and fall even deeper in love with him, if that were even possible. Armie smiled back, seeing and feeling Timmy’s body relax, so completely - for maybe the first time ever. This was what he’d been needing all along - just as Armie had too. Armie knew he needed to add some movement, some thrust - but he’d barely moved at all when Timmy grabbed his hand, stopping him.

‘What is it, love?’ Armie asked. ‘Am I hurting you?’ the back of his neck prickled in fear and shame. But Timmy shook his head and the feeling went away.

‘No, of course not...I just…’ Timmy slid his legs up slightly, crossing his ankles behind Armie’s head, forcing their bodies closer together and Armie to push slightly deeper into him, eliciting low moans of pleased surprise from each. He’d hooked Armie’s head between his ankles and he gently pulled Armie towards him. ‘Just, just stay right here for a moment? Just don’t move, not yet, baby, not just yet. I just need to feel this for a moment, please? I just need to exist like this, totally still, like we’re...like we’re one and the same, please’ he begged softly.

‘Of course...oh, my love...I want that too,’ Armie told him fervently, as he let Timmy pull him closer towards him. Armie took all this in and let out a shaky exhale. ‘Oh Timmy, I...I love this,’ he told him.

‘I gotta remember this. I gotta...fuck, it’s been too damn long since I felt you like this, Armie.’

‘I’m sorry it took me so long.’

‘We’re here. It’s ok. You’re worth the wait.’

Armie smiled. He knew they couldn’t keep this stillness up long - both of them were trembling, quivering, with the need to move and to come. But he wanted to let it last while it could. ‘I…oh man, I...’

‘Tell me. How it feels,’ Timmy said.

‘My body...your body...it’s...it’s like we’re two houses that I forever thought were separate things, but now...now I’ve found a secret passage. It turns out they were connected all along. The whole damn time. And I...I wish I’d figured it out sooner. Shit, I wish I’d found this passageway on day fucking one. You were here. You were always, always right _here_ , weren’t you?’

Timmy nodded. ‘No regrets. I’m shaped just for you and you’re shaped just for me. We’re fucking conduits of one another, I promise you that. How else do you explain that my tiny ass can take you all and hold you inside me so right and so perfect? We’re from different universes and yet we still fit each other. Baby. Please, never forget this. Never forget how we fit together. Never forget that you’re _everything_ to me - brother, father, friend, son, husband, lover - you’re everything. You’re everything.’

Armie couldn’t speak, his throat was so tight as he took in everything Timmy said, the tremors of his body and the way Timmy was squeezing his cock every now and then with small bursts of reassurance and emphasis on his words - words that Armie could not believe were being uttered to him in such tender seriousness in the dark - was overwhelming him. Timmy suddenly opened his mouth and let his tongue poke out, spreading itself flat...what was this? He must have looked confused. All Timmy said was, ‘baby, just blink.’

Armie obeyed, and felt huge tears fall out of his eyes - he hadn’t realised how wet and heavy they were - and Timmy caught them with his tongue, and the ones that fell after that with another blink, and the ones after that. This boy was too fucking wonderful for words. ‘I - I love you,’ he told Timmy simply.

‘I love you too.’ Timmy licked his lips, looking incredibly sexy, as he carefully unhooked his ankles from Armie’s neck. ‘And now, fuck me so hard that I still feel you there every day until I see you again, baby, please, fucking wreck me,’ he said hungrily, desperately, leaving Armie marvelling at how he’d gone from such tenderness to such total seduction in a matter of moments - but he didn’t waste time in pulling back and thrusting. He looked at Timmy, unconvinced if that was right. Timmy smiled encouragingly. ‘That’s it, just - more. Harder. Pull out further and then just fucking - _oh, God,_ that’s, _yes,_ that’s _-_ that’s _it- shit_ ,’ Armie had taken him at his word and begun slamming into Timmy, who bucked up slightly and provided the perfect angle for Armie to hit his prostate.

‘Is that -’ Armie began asking, but Timmy’s long throaty, mindless moan was affirmation enough that he didn’t need to complete the question.

‘ _Ungh-ungh-ungh-ungh-ungh-uuuuhhhhnnnnngggggg-oh-oh-ohhhhh!_ ’ Timmy sounded like he was exploding, as he groaned and yelled with such deep arousal, his eyes closing and opening, his neck tipping back, exposing his pale and, now that Armie really looked, far too empty, white neck. Armie lurched forwards, eliciting a sudden, delighted yelp from Timmy at how it changed their angle a bit, and began sucking roughly at his neck, growling possessively, eliciting a satisfied, throaty, ‘ahhh…..mmmm….’ from his love, which gave way to a yelp and an ‘oh, shit, _Armie_ ,’ as Armie bit down as he thrust into Timmy just right.

‘You’re so hot...you’re so…’

‘So are you.’

‘Timmy, love - fuck, I’m not gonna last much long- _uh_ ,’ Armie grunted. ‘S-sorry -’ he stuttered.

‘No, no, _don’t you uh-pologise to - to - oh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh_ ’ Timmy became incoherent as he suddenly started jerking, thrusting incredibly quickly, tiny jolts backwards and forwards, his body almost a blur he was going so fast, forcing Armie to hit his prostate again and again and again and again...he was in ecstasy, Armie observed for a moment, before Timmy hooked his ankles around his neck again and used what must have been his every last drop of strength to pull Armie down. ‘Closer... _closer_ …’ Timmy begged, puckering his lips desperately, looking so beautiful.

‘Awww…’ Armie murmured at the sight, as he kissed Timmy without question, feeling his lover’s erection pressing into his stomach as he got closer. This kiss was so clumsy and misshapen, but Armie loved it, loved how they had rendered each other incapable of kissing properly. They undid each other, completely and wonderfully. Timmy pressed his forehead to Armie’s, both of them feeling each other’s breath falling fast all over each other’s faces. Armie inhaled Timmy’s sweet, booze-edged breath and didn’t care what his own smelled like, because Timmy didn’t either. Timmy looked him firmly in the eye as he clenched his ass tight around Armie’s cock, making him groan, and as Timmy clenched again and again and again, practically pulsating around Armie, he poked out his tongue, his tongue that just minutes ago had caught and swallowed Armie’s tears, and now just carefully licked from Armie’s jaw to his mouth, and that’s what did it for him, that’s what finally pushed him over the edge, with a moan that sounded almost _relieved_ as the last shreds of his hangups and fears and insecurities left his body as his spunk did the same, depositing it all into Timmy, who eagerly took all of it, took it all away and took care of it, took care of _him_ , fuck, they were taking care of _each other_ , Armie realised; this was not the one way thing he’d thought it was earlier tonight when he’d looked down and seen a man he wanted to take care of - Timmy looked up at him and saw the same. He didn’t have to be beneath, receiving, to be taken care of, and this realisation coloured his orgasm with high elation and he almost laughed through it. He was so happy right now.

‘You - you - oh - kay?’ Timmy asked shakily, his cock still rock hard, still on the edge but not over it yet. Armie smiled as he pulled out, making Timmy moan slightly in protest.

‘I am more than ok,’ Armie sighed contentedly as, in one smooth movement, he pushed Timmy’s knees apart and took his entire erection into his mouth, making Timmy yelp a little in shock and delight.

‘Oh - no - not yet - aw fuck _ohh, ohhhh shit_ ,’ Timmy moaned, coming thick and fast, unable to stop himself. Armie of course swallowed it all. Why would he ever do anything else?

He moved up, wanting to kiss Timmy and be close to him as soon as possible; he spread his body over Timmy’s and pressed into him as they kissed lazily, then rolled onto his side and bringing Timmy with him, letting him drape himself over Armie’s body. ‘My mouth was barely on you ten seconds, my love,’ Armie grinned at him.

‘I came too _soon_ ,’ Timmy grumbled. ‘That was feeling so nice.’

‘I know. It was feeling so nice for me too. But we’ll have the rest of our lives to chase that feeling.’

Timmy smiled and kissed him softly. ‘You were so good, baby. I mean it. Mmmm...really good.’

‘You...you mean that?’

‘Yes, you big beautiful fuck. I’ll be feeling that for a _while_ ,’ Timmy assured him, shifting so that his ass was pointing upwards towards Armie’s gaze.

His hand moved down Timmy’s back and cupped his ass tenderly. ‘You sure you’re ok? It wasn’t too much? I’m so big…’

‘Oh, ok, Mr I’m-so-big,’ Timmy mocked, laughing.

‘I’m serious, you know what I mean...and I was going pretty hard…’

‘I’m fine, babe, I’m fine. We fit, remember? We _fit_. And I told you to go hard. And I love how big you are. I love it. I love it. I love it,’ he said as he nuzzled and clawed at Armie’s chest and stomach. ‘My sweet huge gorgeous baby with the biggest cock in town,’ Timmy told him.

‘Oh Jesus Christ, please never say that when other people are around,’ Armie blushed and giggled.

Timmy kissed his nipple. ‘For real. I really do. Like it,’ he assured him quietly.

Armie paused and stroked Timmy’s curls. ‘Thank you. For everything. Every single thing, thank you.’

‘Always.’ Timmy shifted and kissed his lips deeply. ‘Did you like it too?’

‘Oh god. So much.’

Timmy smiled. ‘I’m so glad. You deserved it.’

‘I _loved_ it. I love _you_.’

‘I love you too.’

They shifted closer together, both now feeling the end of this evening, of this little chapter in Paris, fast approaching. Neither said anything. They both just knew. They lay still, silent, for a few moments, just absently touching each other’s bodies softly with their fingertips, looking into each others eyes until it became too hard to hold their gaze, looking instead at their skin, which was becoming purple-blue-lavender-gold with the moonlight and streetlamps that crept in from outside and covered them and the entire room.

‘Shoulda left the club sooner,’ Timmy muttered, his voice thick with tears. He buried his face in Armie’s neck. ‘I’m so sorry, Armie. I’m sorry I walked out the hotel today. I’m sorry I didn’t come home until 4am.’

‘Ssh, ssh. Timmy, it’s ok.’

‘But now...you have to go...and then I have to go…’

‘This isn’t going to end when our planes take off, love.’

‘I know. It’s just so hard. We only just started to get our shit together, and now I don’t know when I’m gonna see you again,’ Timmy confessed emotionally.

‘Leave that with me.’

‘But...we can’t be seen…’

‘We won’t be. But don’t worry about that now. Let’s just…’

‘Mm, yeah, let’s.’ Timmy pulled Armie into his chest and Armie wrapped his arms around Timmy and held him tight.

‘I love you so much, Timothée.’ He pronounced it correctly, and felt Timmy’s heartbeat speed up momentarily.

‘I love you so much too. Armie.’ Armie’s heart swelled. Timmy knew he hated ‘Armand’, of course he’d never full-name him outside the context of a joke. He fucking knew him. ‘And hey. I’m really, really proud of you.’ He kissed Armie’s head. ‘Please know. I am so fucking proud of you, for all of it.’

Armie’s heart was bursting and his throat tight. ‘Whatever did I do to deserve to be held and adored by a literal _angel_ ,’ he wondered aloud.

‘I mean, angels tend to belong in heaven’, Timmy said as he slid down and captured Armie’s lips in a soft kiss.

‘That was a fucking line and a half, jeez,’ Armie murmured, but he was smiling. Timmy shrugged, grinning back, as they kept on kissing, slow and languid turning into quick and urgent, stealing minutes they didn’t have anymore.

They ignored the first call.

The second, that came right after - Timmy broke the kiss for a half second, but Armie shook his head and pulled his face back to his own, not ready to stop yet.

Then there was a pause. It was maybe four minutes but it was long enough to make them think that there wouldn’t be another call.

But the third call came. Armie sighed heavily. ‘I…’

‘I know,’ Timmy murmured. ‘I know. Answer it. It’s ok. It’s time, I guess.’

Armie reached for his phone. It was her. ‘Hey...hey Liz.’

‘Hey hon. I have a car coming in ten minutes, I figured you’re not coming back here - shall I have us come pick you up?’

‘Uh, no, no - it’s ok. I’ll make my own way.’

‘I don’t think the public transport starts up for another half hour…’’

‘I’ll be fine. It’s fine.’

‘Ok. You’re sure you’re ok?’

‘Yeah. I need to be alone for a bit,’ he said quietly.

‘Ok. That’s ok, I get it.’

‘Besides, Pauline’s place isn’t on your route, you’d have to go back the way you came just to pick me up.’

‘For sure. Ok, well I’ll see you in an hour or so. Give Timmy my love.’

‘Will do. See you.’

‘I’ll meet you in the lounge.’

‘Gotcha. Ok. Bye, Liz.’ He hung up and tossed his phone down and exhaled heavily. ‘This is gonna be one weird flight,’ he said after a moment.

‘Mm.’ Timmy got off the bed, effectively closing the book on tonight’s intimacy. Armie stood up too after a moment. Timmy handed him a towel. ‘Go clean up, unless you want to smell like sex the whole way back to LA,’ he tried to say lightly, as he opened the window to air the room out.

Armie smiled. ‘For sure.’

He showered quickly, using nearly half a bottle of Timmy’s shower gel, lathering it into his body until his skin turned red. He dried himself off and slipped into his sweats, ready for the long flight.

He left the bathroom and checked over his stuff quickly, piled by the couch in the living area. All seemed to be fine. He turned around to Timmy’s room. The door was open, and Armie smiled sadly. Timmy had passed out, sprawled across the bed, still naked. Armie stepped inside and carefully put the blanket over him, kissed his curls, only intending to do so briefly, but he wound up sinking his face into them, inhaling deeply for a good moment. He closed his eyes and tried to do all he could to commit the scent to memory, his eyes pricking with tears.

As he was about to step outside the apartment, he suddenly remembered something. He clicked the door shut softly and then walked back into Timmy’s room. He was still in the same position.

‘Timmy? Are you just pretending to have passed out?’

One of Timmy’s eyes peeped open. ‘Maybe.’

Armie laughed. ‘Oh, my love.’

Timmy sat up. ‘I couldn’t say goodbye to you. I couldn’t watch you leave.’

Armie smiled sadly. He knew what to do. He kissed Timmy. ‘It’s ok. I have a few more minutes. Lemme just check my passport is in my carry on,’ he said, ‘I can’t remember if it is.’

‘Yeah, you’d better not have lost that,’ Timmy said.

Armie kissed him again. ‘Be right back. Just a second.’

‘Kay.’

Armie walked out, back to the front door where his bags were, which was out of view from Timmy’s room. He glanced back for a second, then opened the door and left, silently closing the door as he heard Timmy’s ‘you find it?’, breaking his heart slightly, but knowing it was the right thing to do. They’d never stop stalling, otherwise.

He walked swiftly down the one flight of stairs and out the door, intending to walk to the bigger street and find a cab, but he saw a black car parked waiting for him. Liz couldn’t have gotten here in time, surely...the driver stepped out. ‘Monsieur Hammer? Your wife sent me. I’m here to take you to Charles de Gaulle.’ He opened the door, showing the empty car. Armie didn’t need telling twice, tossed his bags inside and climbed in. As the driver slammed his own door shut and started the engine, Armie glanced back at the building. He saw the door open and Timmy emerge. The car began speeding away and he began running desperately after them. He was only wearing boxers, probably pulled on in a rush. _Fuck_.

‘Hey, can you stop the car a moment?’

‘Of course, Monsieur.’ The car grinded to a halt as Armie threw open the door and tumbled out, and ran blindly towards Timmy.

‘Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,’ Timmy whimpered, crying, as he grabbed fistfuls of Armie’s sweater furiously.

‘I know, I know. I’m sorry,’ he told him. Timmy began _climbing_ Armie’s body; Armie lifted him and held him in place. Timmy’s legs were wrapped tight around his waist and Armie’s forearms made a little bench to support him. Timmy put his arms around Armie’s neck and kissed him hard. Armie returned it. ‘I’m sorry, my love.’ He looked up at him, raised his eyebrows. ‘You did the same to me.’

‘Well I’m young and foolish,’ Timmy sniffed, kissing him again.

‘Ah, ok, I see…’ Armie looked at him, amused, the tips of his curls shining golden in the yellow streetlight. ‘Fuck, you must be freezing,’ he said, feeling Timmy shaking slightly in the bitterly cold morning air.

‘I don’t care. I had to - I’m not saying goodbye, I just had to kiss you again.’

‘I’m glad you did.’

They kissed again for a few moments, then Timmy gasped. ‘Shit, we’re in public, shit!’

‘It’s a sidestreet and it’s 5am, we’re fine.’

But Timmy shook his head and slid down off of Armie. ‘Fuck, that was so reckless.’ He looked around. The street was deserted but Armie could see him panicking.

‘It’s ok, it’s fine. Look.’ Armie took his face and kissed him deeply. Timmy gave in. After who knows how long, they heard the driver clearing his throat. Armie broke the kiss reluctantly.

‘Fuck, I really need to go.’

‘I know.’ Timmy pressed one last quick kiss to his lips and stepped away. ‘Have a safe flight. We’ll talk soon.’

‘We will.’ Armie walked back towards the car. He turned back and looked at the skinny, shivering man before him, the beautiful man who just ran out into freezing air to kiss him one last time, the sweet man who was smiling at him. At  _him._ ‘I really love you, Timothée Chalamet. I love you.’

Timmy’s smile grew wider. ‘I love you, too, Armie Hammer, Armie fucking Hammer, god, je t’aime, je t’aime, je t’aime,’ he told him happily.

Armie smiled.‘We’re gonna be good. We’re gonna be fine,’ Armie said as he climbed into the car and slammed the door. He turned to take one last look at Timmy, who had darted to the car and breathed, misting up the window. He lifted up his finger and wrote simply, ‘ _T <3 A_’, and then, as the driver turned the key in the ignition, pressed his lips beside the A. His cherry red smushed-up lips on the cold glass was the last thing Armie saw of him as the car sped away.

He stared at the window until it had all completely faded and worn away. He touched his fingers to the spot where Timmy had imprinted his lips. Armie smiled. Despite the pain of leaving, he was happier than he’d been in a long time. The kind of happy he’d thought was left behind in Crema. But as it turned out, this feeling was not reserved for Northern Italy. Because they’d found it here, too. This feeling, it seemed, this happiness, it existed wherever Timmy was and wherever Armie was and opened himself up to allow himself to _just. Feel. This_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope...you like it??? I hope...you are not too emotional??? Armie POV good or nah??? let me know...sound off in the comments :))))


	14. chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey hey! this took slightly longer than planned. life is crazy rn!
> 
> I know I gotta get to some comments from the last chapter, I'm gonna get to them asap (it's 3am here rn but I really wanted to post before sleeping!)
> 
> thank you so so much to everyone who read the last chapter and took the time to comment, it means so much, really, thank you <3 <3 <3
> 
> I hope you like this chapter!!

‘Daddy! Daddy, the pancakes are burning!’

Harper’s shrill voice jerked Armie back to the present. He shoved his phone back into his pocket and grabbed the spatula. ‘Sorry Hops, these ones are no good. It’s ok, there’s still more batter.’

His daughter rolled her eyes. ‘Why are you on your phone always? You only got back here last week, and I missed you a LOT, but you keep spending all your time with your phone instead of _me_ ,’ she said, her bottom lip trembling.

‘Oh, sweetheart, I know. I know. I’m sorry.’ Armie scooped her up in a big hug and held her tight.

‘And you didn’t even facetime me _once_.’

‘I know. I’m sorry. I’m here, and I wanna spend all the time I can with you. I promise.’ She’d barely talked to him all week, having thrown a fit that he’d been gone for so long.

‘Who are you texting?’

‘It’s just...work things.’

‘Are you going to go away again?’

‘No. I have a movie soon, but you’re gonna come too,’ he assured her, then stopped himself - that had been the plan before, but he didn’t know would happen now.

‘Is it in Paris?’

‘No, sadly it’s not in Paris,’ he said, trying to smile, but the mere word was breaking his heart. The last place he’d seen Timmy, last place he’d kissed him, touched him...Armie blinked, collecting himself.

‘Ugh, will I ever see Paris, Daddy?’ Harper whined incredibly dramatically, making Armie burst out laughing.

‘One day, ma chérie, one day,’ he kissed her hair. ‘That’s French,’ he said, noting her confused expression. He set her on the counter and poured more batter into the pan. ‘Ok, I’m gonna keep an eye on it this time,’ he promised. His phone buzzed several times, and even though he desperately wanted to see what Timmy was saying, he didn’t even reach for it, showing Harper that he was serious about spending the time with her. He knew they were about to unleash a lot of changes on her, and the last thing he wanted was to be a shitty parent. Being away for so long had been unforgivable and he didn’t intend to do it again. As he took the spatula to flip them over, she reached into his pocket and took his phone out herself.

‘Timmy is texting you, Daddy!’ she said excitedly. Armie’s eyes widened, not wanting her to see whatever his - boyfriend? No, they were more than that...lover? Not the time, Armie, he told himself - had texted, but Harper wasn’t looking at the screen, just smiling at Armie widely. He remembered that she couldn’t really read yet - she just knew it was Timmy because of the emojis that Armie had ascribed to his contact info. Sunglasses, French flag, (though he’d actually mistakenly, since they had the same colours, selected the Dutch flag, as Timmy had pointed out to him, very amused, when he’d shown him), and obviously, _obviously_ , a peach.

‘What is he saying?’ he asked her, smiling as he flipped the pancakes, knowing she’d just make something up.

‘Hmm,’ she said. ‘Well, there’s just a lot of eggplants,’ she said, sounding confused. Armie nearly dropped the pan. ‘Calm down, Daddy. Anyway, then there’s some hearts. A lot of hearts, let me see...seven hearts,’ she told him. ‘And huh, I guess there is bad weather wherever he is.’

‘How do you know that, sweetie?’

‘The next text is another eggplant and then there’s just a LOT of raindrops,’ she explained.

Armie promptly grabbed the phone off of her. ‘Ok Hops, that’s enough of that,’ he said, as Liz walked in. Shit, shit, shit - this looked bad.

‘How’s breakfast going?’ she asked brightly, kissing Harper.

‘Daddy burned the first batch because he and Timmy are texting a lot of eggplants.’

Armie opened his mouth to find an excuse, but Liz was laughing. ‘Is that right?’ she asked, amused.

‘Why all the eggplants? I hate eggplant. It’s too mushy. Is Timmy trying to eat healthy?’ Harper asked innocently.

‘Yes, that’s probably it,’ Armie said quickly.

‘Does he have to be super skinny again? I didn’t like that,’ she said sadly.

‘We didn’t like it either, honey,’ Liz agreed.

‘I _really_ liked it when he was living with us, though! That was a super fun summer. Can we have him come stay again?’ she asked hopefully.

‘I don’t know, Hops,’ Armie said, plating the pancakes, avoiding everyone’s eyes. He had no idea what things would look like by the summer. He felt Liz’s hand squeeze his arm gently, and he looked up at her as she spoke.

‘You know, Harper, there is something we should talk to you about. About Timmy,’ Liz began.

‘Now?’ Armie muttered. Liz nodded.

‘Ok,’ Harper said, taking her pancakes eagerly and dousing them in maple syrup.

‘Not too much,’ Armie said absently, taking the bottle off of her, and she began to dig in. Her parents watched her as she looked up at them, waiting for them to talk, mouth crammed full and syrup running down her chin. Armie smiled at her fondly.

‘What’s going on with Timmy?’ she asked.

Armie opened his mouth and closed it, no idea what to say. Liz took over. ‘Well,’ she began carefully, ‘you like Timmy, right?’

‘I _LOVE_ Timmy,’ Harper confirmed.

‘Mm hm. Well, what would you think about...what if Timmy was here again?’

‘To stay, again?’

‘What if he lived here?’

‘Like...living here like...always?’ Liz and Armie nodded. Harper’s face lit up. ‘That would be AWESOME, Mom, is he really? Is he gonna?’

‘Well we need to figure it out with him, but here, or maybe another house,’ Armie said.

‘Does he not have anywhere else to live?’ she asked, her face concerned.

‘No, that’s - that’s not why,’ Liz said, ‘um…’ she looked to Armie. ‘You can tell her,’ she told him quietly.

‘H-how?’ Armie asked her desperately.

‘It has to be you that says it. It’ll be ok,’ Liz murmured. She kissed the side of his head and squeezed his hand supportively.

Armie looked at Harper, not knowing how to explain this to her. He didn’t know how to explain that her family was breaking up. Ford - napping upstairs - was too young to understand, but he couldn’t avoid this conversation with Harper. He wished he could ask Timmy how other-Armie had done this. His phone buzzed again, laying on the countertop, lighting up. He and his daughter both looked at the screen. Hearts, stars, more hearts, sparkles and the sun. Another buzz. A single heart. Liz let out a soft chuckle. Harper pursed her lips and looked up at her father, who was looking at the phone, a small, happy smile on his face. ‘He loves you, Daddy,’ she said simply. It wasn’t a question. Armie looked up at her.

‘He does,’ he agreed. She didn’t look angry. ‘He loves me very much. And - and I love Timmy very much, too.’

Harper nodded. ‘So he’s coming to live here because you love him,’ she said slowly.

‘Yes.’ They paused as she took another bite of her food, chewing it thoughtfully.

Liz spoke. ‘Harper, me and Daddy aren’t gonna be married anymore. We aren’t gonna be living here together anymore.’

Harper frowned. ‘Why? Where will everyone live?’

‘You don’t need to worry, I promise,’ she told her.

‘We’re - we’re gonna have two houses. You’ll have two houses, two bedrooms, two gardens,’ Armie added, looking at Liz, whose nodded in agreement.

‘Two toyboxes?’ Harper’s eyes lit up.

‘Yes. Absolutely,’ Armie told her.

‘One house for Mommy and one house for Daddy,’ she stated.

‘Well...it’ll be mine and Timmy’s house,’ Armie explained.

‘It’ll need lots of bedrooms. Mine, Ford’s, yours, and one for Timmy, too. His should have good speakers,’ she said firmly. Armie laughed.

‘Well...yes, we’ll have speakers. But Harper, Timmy and me are gonna have the same bedroom. Like how me and Mommy do now. Because I - I love Timmy, and we’re going to be together.’

‘ _Oh_ , so you’re gay?’ Harper asked.

‘I…’ Armie trailed off. ‘Well, no. No, I’m not. I just...I just love him, sweetheart, and he loves me, and I don’t know what it makes me except the luckiest man in the world.’ He smiled.

‘We should just love who we love, ok? It doesn’t matter who it is as long as we let ourselves feel all our feelings for them. We don’t need to label it or put ourselves into boxes,’ Liz told Harper.  
Armie nodded. ‘I did that and it made me very, very sad. For a long time. So now, I’ve decided to love Timmy with my whole heart, and not worry about all those other things - because they don’t really matter to me. Love is...love is love is love is love,’ he told her.

‘I know. You told me that before, Daddy,’ she said. She put down her fork and stared at her plate, brow furrowed, her eyes starting to tear up. Fuck, this was what Armie was afraid of.

‘Hops, I’m really sorry,’ he told her, but she interrupted.

‘Daddy, you said you were sad for a long time. That’s - that’s not nice. I don’t want you to be sad,’ she said in her wobbly little voice.

‘Oh, no - no, Hops, it’s ok, I’m not sad anymore,’ he told her. She slid off her chair and ran around to Armie and clutched his leg tightly. He bent down and gently hugged her. ‘And I was _never_ sad when I was with you. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. Ok?’

Harper nodded and reached up, wrapping her arms around his neck, and he picked her up and stood back up. She looked at Liz. ‘Mommy, are you sad? That Daddy doesn’t love you?’

‘Me and Daddy still love each other. Just...not in the sort of way where we want to be married anymore.’

‘But you must still feel sad.’

‘I’m ok, sweetheart, really. Are _you_ feeling sad?’

‘I don’t know. I don’t think so. Everyone’s...ok. Is there gonna be fighting? That’s what happened for my friend’s Mommy and Daddy…’

‘We aren’t gonna fight. We promise,’ Armie assured her.

'We aren't angry with each other. This might be hard, and strange, but this isn't a bad thing, Harper. It's the right thing to do,' Liz added.

‘Mmkay.’ She turned her face to Armie. ‘How long have you loved Timmy?’

‘I...I think for a long time. Since I met him, really. But I was silly, and I was too scared to listen to what my heart was telling me.’

‘So we could have got two houses, like, AGES AGO, Daddy,’ Harper told him, rolling her eyes. Armie laughed. ‘So why did you decide to listen now to your heart?’

‘Timmy helped me see that it was important, and that it gonna be ok. And me not listening to my heart was hurting Timmy, and I didn’t want to do that. I never want to hurt him. And the big thing is, when you love someone, you can’t pretend forever.’ Harper nodded. ‘And also, I didn’t want to make you sad. I know that this is gonna be a big, big change, ok? And I was scared of making it happen because I didn’t want to make you sad.’

‘I’ll be _fine_ ,’ Harper said dramatically, making Armie and Liz laugh. ‘I mean...it’s gonna be weird...but this doesn’t make me sad. I love Timmy. You know what makes me sad? WHEN YOU GO TO PARIS WITHOUT MEEEEEEE,’ she told him loudly.

‘Jeez, Hops, I get it, you really wanna go to Paris,’ he said.

‘I wanna go with you and Mommy and Ford, we should all go!’ she said excitedly, then, before Armie could even feel any kind of awkwardness or regret, she shook her head - ‘wait, I mean, you and _Timmy_ ,’ she corrected herself. ‘I would like to go there with you and Timmy.’

‘Well, maybe we can do that sometime.’ Harper grinned. ‘And what about Ford?’

‘Ford can stay here. He’s too young to appreciate it,’ she explained seriously, ‘and besides, he should keep you company, Mommy.’ Liz was smiling but it was looking a little strained. Harper seemed to notice. ‘But I wanna go somewhere with you, too! I’m just excited about Timmy. But, oh, Mommy, we should go to - to London! Just us.’

‘You’re planning this all out, aren’t you?’ Liz said fondly.

‘Mm hm,’ Harper said, as she scrambled out of Armie’s grip and went back to her pancakes. Armie shot Liz a, ‘ _you ok?_ ’ look, and she nodded. ‘Do I have to call Timmy Daddy as well?’ Harper bought their attention back to her.

Armie didn’t know what to say. ‘You - I - I don’t know. I’m sure he won’t mind what you call him.’

‘It’d be weird to call him Daddy, too. _You’re_ Daddy.’

‘I’m sure he’d agree. You can just stick to Timmy for now.’

‘Hmm.’ She chewed thoughtfully, then her eyes widened as a thought crossed her mind. ‘So if there’s two Daddies, then we need another Mommy, right?’ she asked, very seriously.

‘Who knows,’ Liz said, laughing.

‘There has to be two Mommies though, then it’s equal. Equal is important! You’re always saying that!’ she reminded them.

‘Well...there are no plans for another Mommy, Hops,’ Liz said.

‘Three Daddies, then?’

‘No, honey.’

‘But...are you going to be all alone in your house, Mommy? Won’t you be sad about that?’

Armie sighed, looking apologetically at Liz, who looked seriously at Harper.

‘Sweetheart. A girl doesn’t need anybody else to make her happy, or make her amazing. There are so many things that I am proud of, that make me great. I don’t need anyone else, ok? I’ll be fine. I want you to remember that, too. You are gonna be an awesome woman. And you can do that _yourself_. You don’t need anyone else. Ok?’

‘Ok, Mommy.’

‘Are you...are you alright, sweetheart? I know this is a lot for you to think about,’ Armie asked. Harper looked between both of her parents for a moment, then jumped down from her chair and ran out of the room. ‘Hops…’ Armie called after her, but Liz put her hand on his arm.

‘Let her go. She probably just wants to go to her den and process it all.’ Armie nodded. ‘You doing ok, Arms?’

‘Yeah, I think so.’

‘I know that wasn’t easy.’

‘Mm. For both of us,’ he looked at her. ‘I really am sorry. I don’t deserve all this kindness from you.’

‘I couldn’t be cruel about this. Especially not to the kids.’

Armie nodded. ‘I’m grateful for that. Really...you have no idea how grateful,’ he said as he hugged her gently, his mind going back to Timmy’s descriptions of what had happened in his world, and feeling beyond glad that this was unfolding so differently.

‘Of course, hon. I meant what I said to Harper. I do love you.’

‘Me too.’ They took each other’s hands in solidarity.

‘Look, I have to go to the bakery on Monday. I don’t wanna take the kids, I think they need some time at home before your shoot.’

‘It’s ok for them to come?’

‘Yeah. I want them to spend the time with you.’

‘Thank you. I’d like that too.’

‘Mm. But while I’m gone, you have to stay here. No jetting off to Europe at a moment’s notice.’

‘Agreed. I swear. I’m here, I’m with them. I promise.’

‘Maybe you can go look at some houses with them, get their input.’

‘You’re ready for me to do that?’

‘Yeah. You know how long the process is, better to start looking. Just no open houses in case they start talking about Timmy and someone hears.’

‘Right, sure.’ He paused. ‘You want this house, then? It’s totally fine if you do. It’s up to you.’

‘No. I want to sell this house. I don’t think it’d be good for either of us to live with the memories.’ Armie nodded, not knowing what to say. Then he heard the sound of Harper talking distantly. ‘I’ll go see if she’s ok.’

‘Gotcha,’ said Liz, picking up Harper’s dish. ‘I’ll make you some pancakes.’

‘You don’t have to, it’s ok.’

‘It’s fine,’ she shrugged.

‘Ok. Thanks.’ Armie left the kitchen and made his way towards the playroom. Harper had a little pillow fort in the corner, and he couldn’t see her but he could hear her voice from under the blankets, and the light of a screen. She must have been facetiming someone - shit, not his mother, please - but then he heard a laugh come from the iPad that stopped him dead in his tracks. It was Timmy. He carefully sat on the couch to listen.

‘Timmy, your hair looks _terrible_ ,’ she giggled. Armie’s eyes widened. That’s why Timmy had only been texting the last week or so...fuck, what exactly had they done to him?

‘I know. I’m not a fan of it either, Hops.’

‘This king, was he a good king?’

‘He was...complicated,’ Timmy said.

‘I can’t believe anyone would like him with a haircut like that.’

‘Well, I think this is how a lot of people had their hair back in those days. The movie is telling the story of a long, long time ago,’ he started to say, but she interrupted.

‘Wait, Timmy. I have a question.’

‘Shoot.’

‘What is the French word for Daddy?’

Armie’s heart trembled slightly.

‘Well, technically it’s Père, which means father. But that’s a little bit too formal, too fancy. I just call my dad Papa. Most French people do that.’

‘Ok, so I’m going to call you Papa, then. That’s good.’

Armie gasped.

‘You - you what?’

‘Daddy told me that he loves you!’

‘He - really? What did he say?’

‘Uh...that he loves you very much...that you love him...that he used to be sad...but he’s not sad anymore...that you and Daddy are gonna be living together and not like how it was when you came to stay in the summer, but like, you will have the same bedroom.’

‘I...yeah, we will, we will,’ Timmy said, his voice sounding stunned.

'And love is love is love is love.'

'Aha. Yeah, that's true.'

‘Have you been kissing Daddy?’ Harper asked innocently.

‘I...I don’t know if Daddy wants me to talk to you about this yet, Hops.’

‘Hmm, that means yes!’ she said gleefully.

‘Ok, ok, let’s change the subject.’

‘No! No, Tim-I mean, Papa, we have to make plans for Paris.’

Hearing his daughter call Timmy her Papa made Armie’s breath catch in his throat, his heart beat fast as he waited for Timm

‘Huh?’

‘We’re going to Paris, me and you and Daddy.’

‘We are?’ Timmy laughed.

‘Yes. I already told Daddy. I’m very upset that he went without me.’

‘Well...ok, then.’

‘Did you and Daddy go to the Eiffel Tower?’

‘Not this time. But...I’d love to take you and Daddy there.’ Armie smiled, his heart bursting. He could already see it. Timmy with Harper in his arms, naming all the buildings in his perfect French accent, leaning up to kiss Armie while Harper tried and failed to repeat the words back. They’d go in late summer, when it was still hot enough but not unpleasantly so...rent a little apartment with a balcony so that after Harper went to bed, he and Timmy could sit outside with glasses of cool white wine, Timmy could sit in his lap and kiss him as the sun set...fuck, the idea of being able to _love him openly_ was just insane to him.

Harper’s next question jerked Armie out of the Parisian fantasy.

‘Papa, are you going to marry Daddy?’

Armie held his breath, wondering if he should leave the room - he knew it would break him to hear Timmy answer with uncertainty, or maybe a simple ‘no’.

‘Can you keep a secret?’ Timmy’s voice sounded conspiratorial.

‘Duh.’

‘You _cannot_ tell him,’ Timmy told her. ‘But yes. I am going to marry him.’

Harper squealed, and Armie’s face broke into a smile. He hadn’t let himself think about this, yet. He couldn’t begin to, not now. The thought of that; walking down the aisle with him, vowing to love him forever, their friends clapping and smiling, cutting the cake together, dancing with Timmy in his arms...the thought made him lightheaded and tearful.

‘What can I wear?’ Harper asked excitedly.

Timmy laughed. ‘Hops, I haven’t even asked him yet.’

‘But he’s gonna say yes, right? Right?!’

‘I...I think he will, yeah.’

‘Good.’

‘You can’t say anything to him!’

‘Don’t worry, Papa, I can keep a secret,’ she promised.

‘Ok. I trust you. Look, I gotta go, now. I gotta go to bed.’

‘It’s morning!’

‘No, it’s a different time here. It’s one in the morning.’

  
‘That’s so late! You shouldn’t be up so late!’

‘Well, I could never ignore a call from you, could I?’

‘Hm, that is true,’ she said. ‘Ok then. Make sure you brush your teeth before bed.’

Timmy laughed. ‘Sure thing, Hops. Talk to you soon, night.’

‘Sleep well, Papa. I love you!’

‘Aw...oh, I love you too.’

Armie quickly darted out of the room, not wanting Harper to emerge and see that he’d been listening. He slipped into the study down the hall, closed the door and slid onto the floor, a dazed, happy smile on his face. He was bought back to reality by his phone ringing. It was Timmy. He answered it eagerly.

‘Hey, love.’

‘Armie, _Armie!_ She called me Papa!’

‘She did? Who?’ Armie pretended not to know.

‘Harper! She just called me and she asked me how to say Daddy in French and I told her and...she called me Papa like three times I think, oh my God...I’m like, so fucking happy right now.’

‘That’s amazing,’ Armie said, smiling.

‘Right? Oh man, she doesn’t call me that, back in...yeah, they just call me Timmy. Papa makes it all so real, fuck,’ Timmy sighed. ‘This means you told her, then.’

‘Yeah, Liz and I talked to her.’

‘She seems like she’s taking it surprisingly well.’

‘She’s only seeing all the positives right now. Two houses, two playrooms...Paris trip...I think when we sell the house and Liz and I are really separated, it’ll hit home for her. Right now I think she just thinks it’s all gonna be totally fine and just like a big long vacation.’

‘Well, let her stay positive about it while you can.’

‘Mm. Love, can we switch to video? I miss your face.’

‘Ah...not right now.’

‘Timmy, it’s been almost a week since you stopped facetiming, come on…’

‘No, you don’t understand, I look terrible right now.’

‘That’s physically impossible,’ Armie told him.

‘They cut my hair,’ he confessed.

‘I wanna see…’

‘You really, really don’t.’

‘It can’t be that bad.’

‘It’s a fucking bowl cut.’

‘Wait, _what?_ Oh god…how much of your hair did they take?’

‘A lot…’

Armie exhaled. ‘Damn.’

‘But it’ll grow back,’ Timmy assured him quickly.

‘No, oh my god, I don’t care what your hair looks like, I’m not that shallow,’ Armie said.

‘Armie, it’s ok,’ Timmy laughed.

‘I mean, obviously I’ll miss your hair, I mean...I...nevermind.’

‘First thought…’ Timmy murmured.

Armie smiled. ‘Fuck, ok, ok...I’ll miss how it falls into your face sometimes...how you’re always tucking it behind your ear, how it was so long that sometimes you’d chew on it if you were feeling nervous…how I could bury my face in it and feel so close to you and so wrapped up in your scent...shit, even just running my hands through it, it’s so soft and fluffy...how it just frames you, how it makes you seem so delicate and so cute...so beautiful, so, so beautiful...oh, God, I’m not shallow I swear and it obviously doesn’t change my feelings for you, Timmy, you know that...but please, grow it back, please.’

‘Of course, baby. I need no convincing, believe me.’

‘Mm. Good. So how’s it going? Are you having a good time?’

‘Oh my god, this is _awesome_. I’m so fucking happy. I mean, it’s crazy, and busy, but I...oh, I never thought I’d get to do anything at all like this, ever again. I’d been busting my ass going to all these auditions and not getting anywhere. But now I’m on a real filmset, like a _real_ one, Armie...with this great director and all these great actors...I still can’t believe it’s happening.’

‘You really, really deserve it, Timmy, you know that right?’

‘Part of me feels so weird doing this. Like it isn’t real. I still have to blink. This isn’t like our film, this is a _huge_ fucking film,’ he said. ‘I just can’t believe I’m here.’

‘I’m so happy for you. And so proud.’

‘You’re...the freaking best,’ Timmy told him softly.

‘You are.’

They listened to each other breathing in silence for a few minutes, when Timmy elicited an adorable little yawn that made Armie smile. ‘It’s late there, huh?’

‘Uh huh.’

‘You should go to bed. Don’t wanna have puffy eyes on set tomorrow.’

‘Will you stay with me until I fall asleep? Stay on the phone?’

‘Of course, my love.’

‘It won’t be long, I’m probably gonna pass right out,’ he said.

‘I don’t mind, I won’t hang up for a while anyways. Don’t worry.’

‘Mm. Thank you, babe.’

‘Anytime.’

‘Love you,’ came his sleepy voice.

‘I love you, too.’

Timmy let out a long breath that then gave way to smaller ones. Armie grinned as he closed his eyes and listened. He wished so badly that he were in bed beside him right now. Not long, he told himself.

After a few more minutes, Timmy began snoring lightly, so Armie put the phone on speaker and went to his desk, opening his computer and pulling up some real estate websites.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you thought!!!
> 
> (also idk if kids that young can typically talk as well as Harper is here but let's just say she can, ok?)
> 
> I will be switching back to Timmy's POV soon but I hope you're enjoying Armie's for now!! :)


	15. chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry guys life has been crazy, I've been working two full time jobs while I transition out of one into the other. and today they sent me home from work bc I got super sick. so I had time to write...lol
> 
> this is short bc due to my insane life rn I've planned a few short chapters that will come with short gaps between them rather than long ones with long gaps, just while my schedule is crazy. after that, back to normal probably.
> 
> this chapter is...um...well.
> 
> all I can say is...please don't murder me?
> 
> time-wise: this is like the evening of the same day of the previous chapter :)

After Harper was fast asleep, Armie walked into his and Liz’s bedroom to find her packing her small travel suitcase.

‘Hey, I’m finishing that wine from the weekend and thought you might want to join me,’ he said, offering her a glass.

‘Sure, thanks,’ she said with a small smile, taking it. They stood there awkwardly. ‘To new beginnings,’ she said after a moment, raising her glass.

Armie nodded. ‘And to you, for being so kind,’ he added, clinking them together. They both drank. ‘What time’s the flight?’ he asked after a moment, as Liz threw the last couple of items into the bag.

‘Eleven. I’ll have breakfast with the kids then I’ll leave.’

‘We can take you?’

She shook her head. ‘It’s fine.’ Liz zipped her suitcase closed and then sat on the edge of the bed. She took a long sip, looking like she was working her way up to saying something. ‘So you’re not gay, then.’ She finally said. She was stating it, not asking.

‘Huh?’

‘Harper asked. Earlier. You said you weren’t.’

‘I’m not, I mean...you _know_ I’m not,’ he said meaningfully.

She nodded. ‘I know we had our moments of...passion,’ she said carefully. ‘It’s just hard not to wonder.’

‘I’m not straight. Timmy’s not, like, my exception.’

‘So there have been others?’

‘No. He’s the only guy I’ve ever...Liz, I would have told you.’

‘Yeah, I know.’

‘Why are you asking me this?’

She shrugged. ‘I guess it’s just a way of avoiding what I really want to ask, which is...oh, it’s fucking stupid.’

‘Hey, you can tell me.’

‘Can I? We’re not... _anything_ anymore,’ she said quietly.

‘That isn’t true,’ Armie, slightly awkwardly at first, took her hand. ‘We…’

‘We can be friends?’ Liz laughed.

‘We have known each other a really, really long time...we have kids together, Liz. We’re never gonna...we’re always gonna be in each other’s lives.’

‘I know. I just...I don’t want to stay married to you, and I don’t want to keep pretending. But I hate the idea that I’m never going to find what you and Timmy have. I thought you were it. And I don’t know if I can ever find anything like that again.’ She was starting to cry but trying not to show it.

Armie pulled her into a side hug. ‘You will find something better. I swear. Hell, I’ll help you find him.’

‘Him? I don’t know, Hops was very set on two Mommies…’ Liz joked half heartedly.

‘Whatever, we’ll make it happen,’ Armie smiled.

‘I sound so pathetic. Needing a man to make me feel complete, it’s so...and that’s not even what it is, actually, I just...I guess this has all made me realise that I’ve never truly been loved, have I? Because as it turns out, you didn’t love me enough, or love me the right way. And I just…’

‘Want to be loved,’ he finished for her. She nodded into his shoulder.

‘God, I shouldn’t even be talking to you about this,’ she murmured.

‘It’s ok.’

‘We put so much of ourselves into us, Armie,’ she said softly. ‘And it wasn’t enough.’

He didn’t know what to say, other than, ‘I’m really sorry, Liz. I am.’ He pulled back and looked at her. ‘I’ll always love you. That can’t just go away. It wasn’t fake, you know that, right?’ kissed the top of her head gently. ‘I promise.’

Liz nodded, her head just below his lips, his hand still on her shoulder. After a second, her eyes glanced up to meet his. She looked at him, her eyes distraught, begging him for...he couldn’t quite place it, she’d never looked at him like this...her lips were suddenly on his, taking him by surprise. He froze for a second before gently pulling back. ‘Liz…’

‘Please, Arms. Please,’ she whispered, kissing him sloppily, absolutely no passion, just craving the...familiarity, he realised sadly. She was pushing him downwards awkwardly, still pressing her lips into his, and then his neck. ‘Please.’

‘Liz, we really shouldn’t do this...do you really want this?’ he was careful to lay still, not push her away and hurt her, but not lead her on either.

‘I want one last fuck,’ she murmured, her hands on the waistline of his jeans. ‘Can we? Please?’ her long hair fell onto his chest, her wine-tinted breath desperate. But not desperate for sex itself. Not desperate for _him_. Just desperate to feel something that until just last week had seemed like it would be there forever, and now was to go away.

Armie, feeling the finality of this, found himself nodding slowly. ‘Ok.’ She nodded too, not looking excited by his agreement. They removed his jeans together, not looking at each other, unsmiling. She, in her skirt, knelt astride him and moved her flimsy thong to the side, tucking it into the crease in her upper thigh and awkwardly took his flaccid cock inside of her.

‘This is so weird,’ she muttered. She moved back and forth slowly, going through the normal motions. He didn’t get hard. She frowned and shifted slightly, having to keep tucking the g-string aside. It was all so clumsy and bad. She took his hands and put them on her breasts. He didn’t have the desire to keep them there, and they fell away. She put them there again, and again his arms fell slack as soon as she let go. She tried again, moving her hips faster, frowning in frustration. She took his hands again and held them on her breasts. ‘Please’.

‘It’s not gonna work,’ he said sadly. She put one hand between her legs, pressing his fingers to her clit. She was bone dry, and this must have been uncomfortable, riding him like this. ‘Liz, it’s ok.’

She shook her head. ‘No. How does this...not work? This always works,’ she moved his hand aside and tried touching herself. He felt her relaxing around him a little - obviously she was better at touching herself than he was - and he felt his cock twitch slightly, but nothing major. She looked into his eyes, her wrist jerking furiously, her tearstained face distraught. ‘What the fuck, Armie?’

He paused, then took her hips in his hands and swiftly flipped them so she was beneath him, and he began pumping into her, swift and fast, just wanting to give her what she needed. He felt slightly more aroused but nowhere near enough. Her hands came to hold his face, and they looked into each other’s eyes. Neither had any desire for the other. His thrusts slowed. He moved back and forth almost lethargically. No passion. Neither was chasing an orgasm. They were both just acutely aware that this was their real goodbye. There would be no more deep conversations. No kisses on the head. No late night glasses of wine. No shared bedroom. The end of their intimacy. This was just the attempt to physicalise something that had, as was painfully, awkwardly apparent, finished. He’d never feel her body beneath him again. She’d never feel him inside her again. They’d never share the same air again like this. When he pulled out, that would be it. He leaned in and kissed her once.

  
‘We need to stop,’ he told her gently.

‘Just one moment. Just one more moment before we’re...gone,’ she begged. ‘I don’t want you to make me come. I don’t want you to kiss me again, just...don’t move.’ He stopped his movements, and stayed still. They lay still together, him still inside her, both unaroused. It was fucking tragic. He wasn’t sure how long it was until she finally nodded and quietly said, ‘ok. Ok. Pull out when you want.’

He maybe took another moment, closing his eyes and remembering their first time, their wild times, their wedding night, their dark nights on sweaty European vacations, their last good fuck, which was so long ago, now - and their last fuck they’d had before this one, which had taken too long and left them both unsatisfied but pretending they were good, before Armie took a shower to properly get himself off, and left Liz in the bedroom, where he knew she’d touched herself until she came, alone too. He opened his eyes and looked at her. This wasn’t what he wanted. It wasn’t what she wanted, either. That, that last fuck - which had been in a hotel room in Berlin - was the reality of what they had become. He pulled out. He was done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...! 
> 
> I know.
> 
> feel free to scream at me in the comments. ;)


	16. chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok...I haven't quite gotten around to responding to comments from the last chapter because I know there are a lot of different perspectives and thoughts and the passion with which you responded is amazing and overwhelming. but I will respond. I just need to set aside a good chunk of time to do so properly. 
> 
> with that said...here is another chapter...all I can say is...forgive me readers for I know not what I do...except that I do...I definitely do...

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

Timmy took a sip from his coffee mug and grimaced. It was cold. Everything in England was cold. He put it into the little microwave, too tired to make a fresh pot, as he heard footsteps enter the little kitchen.

‘Is that my fake boyfriend?’

He turned around, his stomach jolting. Was it - yes, that was her. ‘Uh, hey,’ he began, as she strode over to him, smiling widely and kissing both his cheeks.

‘J’suis Lily. Vous êtes un peu Français, ouais?’

He nodded. ‘Ouais.’ The microwave pinged and he retrieved his mug, deciding to offer it to her to be polite. ‘Um, une café?’

Lily raised her eyebrows. ‘Mon dieu. Not like that.’ She set her large purse on the counter and retrieved a small French press and a bag of espresso grounds. ‘Pour that down the sink where it belongs, I’ll make us real coffee.’

‘You take that everywhere?’, he asked, gesturing to the French press.

‘Mm hm. That, Chanel No.5 and a box of Gitanes,’ she explained as she boiled water. ‘The essentials, you know?’

Timmy laughed. ‘Right.’ He watched her busy herself with the coffee for a moment. ‘Hey, look, I should probably tell you - and this is nothing personal, really - but I’m not down for the whole…fake dating thing.’

‘Oh, no, I know. I was kidding just now - sorry if it freaked you out.’

‘Oh, gotcha. Ok.’

‘Thought it’d be a funny ice-breaker...your agent told mine that it was off, it’s totally fine.’

‘Well...cool.’

‘Yeah, I mean, I figured it wasn’t gonna happen anyways after I saw those photos of you and Armie Hammer in Paris last month,’ she said suggestively.

‘Oh...um...’

‘I think it’s nice. Though I’m sure it’s not easy for the two of you.’

‘Uh…’ Timmy didn’t know what to say. Lily stirred the coffee and put the lid on, letting it brew. She turned to him, waiting for him to speak. ‘I just…’ he began. ‘We just met,’ he said. ‘It’s...it’s personal.’

She nodded. ‘Sure. Sorry if I overstepped.’

‘Yeah, uh...I mean, you seem great,’ he said awkwardly, making her laugh and shake her head. ‘I just don’t know you.’

‘Yeah, it’s ok - most people I meet don’t give a fuck about privacy or whatever, I forget that not everyone is like that. You don’t have to talk about it.’

‘Uh huh.’

‘I won’t tell anyone about it, though. I would never. Just so you know.’

‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘We can - I mean, we can be friends,’ he offered.

She smiled, retrieving two cups from the cupboard. ‘I’d like that. It’s always nice to have someone to talk French with.’

‘Yeah, absolutely. I need practice, anyway.’

‘Yeah, I wasn’t gonna say anything, but...yeah, you definitely do,’ she grinned.

He rolled his eyes but smiled back as she poured a generous shot of espresso into each cup, then topped it up with a little hot water. ‘Cheers,’ she said, handing him a cup.

‘Cheers,’ he took it gratefully and they sipped together. He let out a happy moan. ‘Damn, that’s good,’ he told her, ‘thank you.’

‘Of course.’

‘I’m so sick of the shitty coffee here, you’re really saving the day.’

‘Anytime, just don’t tell anyone else or I’ll become the coffee girl.’

‘I doubt anyone would ever make _you_ the coffee girl.’

She shook her head. ‘You’d be surprised.’

His phone rang. ‘Sorry, one sec,’ he dug it out of his pocket. It was Armie. ‘I gotta take this,’ he said apologetically.

‘No, go ahead, it’s all good.’ She smiled. ‘See you later.’

‘See you,’ he nodded, returning her smile as he jammed in his headphones and walked outside to find somewhere quiet to talk to Armie. ‘Hey,’ he said softly as he accepted the call.

‘Your _hair_ , oh my God, Timmy,’ Armie exclaimed.

  
‘Oh fuck! Oh, no, I forgot,’ Timmy gasped. He automatically reached to pull his hood up, but he was just wearing a regular sweater. ‘Shit,’ he sighed.

Armie laughed. ‘It’s...oh man. It’s…’

‘It’s so bad…’

‘No, it’s...it’s something.’

‘Uh huh,’ Timmy said, unconvinced. They smiled at each other for a moment. Armie’s wasn’t quite as wide as normal. ‘You ok, babe?’

‘Yeah, yeah I’m fine,’ Armie told him.

‘How are things there?’

‘Uh, just weird, I guess.’

‘Harper told me you were looking at houses.’

‘Oh, yeah. I should get back on that.’

‘Send me anything you like, I wanna see.’

‘Yeah...absolutely.’ Armie blinked. It seemed like his eyes were shiny, though Timmy couldn’t be certain through the screen.

‘What’s up?’

‘Nothing.’

‘You seem...out of it.’

‘There’s just a lot going on.’

‘Mm. It’s gonna be ok, you know that, right?’ Timmy tried to assure Armie, clutching his phone tight and turning the volume up on his headphones to try and block the sound out.

‘I’ve just been really in my head lately.’ Armie’s eyes were looking down and slightly to the left, which Timmy knew meant he was hiding something.

‘What changed, Armie?’ Armie shrugged. ‘Is is Liz?’

‘No, it’s not fucking Liz. Can you stop being so paranoid about her? She’s literally _fine_ , Timmy,’ Armie snapped at him suddenly, making Timmy’s heart jolt slightly in unpleasant surprise. He blinked. He wasn’t used to Armie being like this with him.

‘Don’t - don’t talk to me like that,’ he said quietly.

Armie sighed heavily, his face breaking, full of regret. ‘Sorry. I’m - sorry.’

Timmy closed his eyes. He couldn’t let this slide. ‘Armie, are you - are you talking to anyone?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean like, have you thought about maybe...going to talk to somebody about everything that you have going on with you?’

Armie shifted in his seat. ‘I’m fine.’

‘I just think that you’d find it really helpful.’

‘I - I’m ok. It’s fine.’

‘Armie, in Paris, when you flipped out, I was serious. I can’t be with you if you won’t do anything about this.’

‘It’s not going to happen again.’

‘That’s not a promise you can really make, is it?’

‘Timmy, I - fuck.’

‘Look, you just got really mad at me, in a split second, and...I’m not used to that.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I know you are. But this is important, ok? This is about you. I know it hurts you, too, when this happens. I know you hate how it feels. I don’t want you to suffer.’

‘I know myself, Timmy. I don’t need - I’m fine.’

‘It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.’

‘Why would you say that? I already know there’s a bunch of shit wrong with me, I don’t need to pay someone hundreds of dollars to tell me that. I already know.’

‘Armie...what do you think is wrong with you?’

‘I can’t get into it, Timmy.’

‘You can tell me anything.’

Armie shook his head. ‘I finally...no, never mind.’

‘First thought.’

‘I...finally found someone who I thought accepted me only it turns out I need to go get fixed so that…’

‘No! No, that’s not what therapy is. That’s not what I meant. It’s not that I don’t accept you, Armie, _of_ _course_ I accept you. I accept you forever. This is about me wanting you to figure out how you can react to things in a way that isn’t gonna hurt you, or anyone else. It’s about...unlearning a lot of things.’

‘I know, ok, toxic masculinity, et cetera,’ Armie sighed.

‘Well, yeah. It’s not like it’s no big deal. That shit is dangerous. And if you don’t do anything about it, then...you let it win. And then, what, are you gonna live your whole life only feeling a fraction of what you _could_ feel, only doing a fraction of what you _could_ do? That shouldn’t be so acceptable to you.’

‘I don’t like the idea of having to tell some total stranger everything.’

‘I know, baby, nobody does, but -’

‘I’m not your Armie, ok?’ he said suddenly. Timmy’s heart jolted. ‘I’m not - I’m not the same as him. I can’t so easily, just, go to therapy, as if - as if I’m the type of person who could do that. I know I’m very messed up but I can’t really admit that to anyone but you.’

‘I know that it might feel scary, but I know you, ok, I know you and I’ve seen how important this is, I’ve seen how much it helped you, I swear, this is the right thing -’

‘No, you don’t know, you don’t really know _me_ , ok, not _really_ , ok?’ Armie said, almost cruel, making Timmy’s eyes prick with tears. He didn’t know what to say. They both paused, before Armie said, ‘I’m not your Armie. Stop trying to make me be like him. Stop trying to make everything that you already lived through happen here, too. It can’t. It just can’t.’

‘I...I don’t know what to even say...why are you saying all this?’ Armie didn’t say anything. ‘This is hurting me, Armie. Do you realise?’

Armie’s head was turned to the side, but Timmy could see that his face was scrunched up. He was in agony. When he spoke, his voice was almost unbearably tight. ‘I...I hate that I hurt you. I hate that I keep doing shit that hurts you. You deserve so much better.’

Timmy swallowed. ‘Yes. I do.’ Armie looked momentarily surprised. ‘Yeah. I’m not gonna tell you to stop talking. I’m not gonna tell you, oh no, don’t say that, don’t put yourself down. I’m not gonna inject you with a shot of self-belief every time you say this shit. I’m tired of trying to make you believe it. I love you, but convincing you that you’re absolutely everything to me, is fucking _exhausting_ , Armie. Convincing you that you are enough and that you deserve love, it’s just…’

‘Well, I’m sorry I’m too fucking insecure for you. Sorry that I’m too loud, too much, too angry, too masculine, too violent, too fast. Sorry I’m not emotional enough, soft enough, confident enough. Sorry I’m not fucking _gay_ enough for you,’ he spat at Timmy. 

Timmy’s mouth dropped open. He stared at Armie on his screen. He couldn’t believe this. He waited - surely Armie would have something else to say? Something? But nothing. Armie didn’t even look much like he regretted that. ‘Fuck you,’ Timmy uttered softly, still totally stunned. ‘Fuck you for saying that. All of that.’

‘Yeah, well, fuck you, too,’ Armie said back defiantly.

Timmy shook his head. He didn’t even know what to do. He’d never fought with Armie like this - in any world. His chest was tight and he was biting his lip hard to keep from crying.

He hung up, and stared straight ahead. He kept hearing Armie’s voice echo in his head - and more than that, he heard the _tone_ of Armie’s voice. The way it came out sounding so, so wrong, and the way it stabbed Timmy in the heart with its harshness and intensity and its...total, horrible, un-Armie-ness. But perhaps, as Armie had been trying to say in his own way: this is who he is. This _is_ Armie-ness. Just a version of it that Timmy wasn’t used to, that he didn’t want. No matter what, he could never make the Armie of this world become the Armie he knew as his husband.

The tears started to fall.

He pulled his knees up and buried his head as he wept. Had he been pretending? Had the love and sex and intimacy and all the huge steps Armie took just...distracted him? Fooled him? Timmy had been so certain that it was all on track to become what he knew. But maybe there was just too much that couldn’t be changed.

Maybe all of Armie’s fears were right - maybe he wasn’t ever going to measure up to the Armie that Timmy remembered.

That he’d never see again.

How had it gone from amazing to _this_ in just a week?

They should never have left Paris.

But perhaps they couldn’t function outside of bedrooms with locked doors. Perhaps the rest of reality, that had gotten inside them, was fatal.

He opened his phone. It was still on their text messages.  
He stared at it, numb, as he saw the little grey dots appear.

Then disappear.

Then come back.

Then disappear.

They didn’t come back.

He waited. And waited.

But nothing.

He opened the contact information. He couldn’t believe what he was about to do.

He sniffed, his vision blurry and thumb shaking as it hovered over the screen.

What else could he do?

Angry, defeated and utterly distraught - he blocked Armie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I'm sorry....
> 
> ...please let me know your thoughts!!!!! <3 <3 <3 thank you to all who read and share their perspective. love you all.


	17. chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knowwww I know it's been so long :/ my life is so fucking insane right now and I thought it was calming down BUT GUESS WHAT IT WASN'T.
> 
> also I am GONNA get to the comments tomorrow, I just didn't wanna leave you guys hanging any longer now that it was done.
> 
> plus I anticipate some, uh, strong words, following this one. all I can say is...I'm sorry...I know, I know...I'm sorry...don't kill me...thnx

**CHAPTER 17**

 

‘You blocked him? Mon dieu, that’s harsh,’ Lily said as she filled the kettle.

They’d developed a little ritual of getting to set early to make espressos and smoke Gitanes.  
Timmy had never been an avid smoker, but the combination of the cold dampness of Northern England and his utter misery had made him feel like saying yes when she’d offered him one last week. It’s not like there was anyone to complain that his mouth tasted like an ashtray. He only smoked one, usually not even finishing it. Lily always smoked two and finished Timmy’s for him. ‘I usually do three in the morning, but this way I can cut down,’ she’d joked.

He found two espresso cups. ‘Yeah but I unblocked him after like three hours, once I’d calmed down. I doubt he even noticed.’

She nodded. ‘It really wasn’t cool. What he said.’

‘I know. I...I never thought he’d say something like that.’ Timmy shook his head, still reeling from it. ‘Not gay enough? I mean...what even...what the _fuck_ …’

‘I’m so sorry, Clafoutis,’ she told him sadly, ruffling his hair. This had become her nickname for him after they’d gone to dinner and the chef had made Timmy a personal peach clafoutis as his dessert. She thought it was hilarious, and the name stuck.

‘I feel like I don’t know who he is,’ he told her quietly. ‘And I really, really thought I did.’

‘How long has it been, exactly?’

‘It’s...complicated.’

‘Ok.’ She toyed absently with the hem of her sweater. ‘So you’ve not talked to him since?’

‘No. It’s up to him to reach out, now. He fucked up.’

‘Yeah, absolutely.’

‘And I don’t even want to hear from him right now, anyway.’

‘Mm hm.’ She poured the hot water over the espresso grounds. ‘Are you worried, though, that maybe he sent something during that window that you blocked him? And you won’t see it?’

‘No. If it’s important, he’ll try again. And there wasn’t enough time that passed for him to have truly reflected. If he did say anything, it isn’t anything I want to see.’

She nodded. ‘Gotcha.’

 

*******

 

‘And...cut. I think we’re good - do we need another take? No? Great. Ok, that’s it for today, everyone. Get some sleep, everyone’ David, the director, shouted across the set.

‘Hey, do you want to go to the pub? Lily asked Timmy as the costume assistants descended on them to remove their ornate, delicate clothing and accessories.

‘Yeah, sure. Why not,’ Timmy agreed.

‘Great, I’ll text you in a bit. Gimme a couple of hours to shower and make some calls.’

‘Sounds good,’ Timmy said, kissing both her cheeks before she headed out. After he’d said goodbye to everyone and started heading back to the small flat the studio had rented for him, his phone rang. It was Liz. He rejected it, knowing she was calling to discuss logistics and future plans, which Timmy couldn’t even fathom right now. She tried twice more, and Timmy answered the third attempt, feeling concerned that perhaps something had happened to Armie.

‘Hey, Liz,’ he greeted her.

‘Hey, sweetheart,’ she said, her voice sounding strained.

‘Is everything ok?’ He asked. She didn’t say anything. ‘Liz?’

‘Timmy, I...oh, fuck,’ she sighed.

‘What is it?’

‘I can’t believe you picked up, I thought you’d never want to talk to me again.’

‘Uh, why?’ he asked, confused, as he closed his door behind him and flopped onto the sofa, exhausted.

‘Armie mentioned you two had a big fight...Timmy, believe me, this wasn’t about you, and I’m so sorry because I know it must have been upsetting.’

‘I - what are you - what do you mean?’

Liz rambled on, barely listening to him. ‘I swear, I did not do this to hurt you, and neither did he. This is the end of our marriage, and I know you can’t fully appreciate what that means for either of us.’

‘I know things are hard for you both right now…’

‘It’s never happening again, I promise. It was kind of the end of a chapter. End of a book, really. And believe me, it wasn’t good. Neither of us enjoyed it.’

‘Enjoyed it...Liz…’

‘I swear, it wasn’t about arousal or desire,’ she explained.

Timmy’s heart was simultaneously sinking and rising to catch in his throat, making it hard to speak. ‘No...you don’t mean... _no_ …’ he murmured, shocked, desperate.

‘It was really awful sex, believe me,’ she said, confirming it.

Timmy’s stomach lurched, like it did the morning he woke up and realised he wasn’t married to Armie. His phone slid out of his hand. He wretched, uncontrollably, tasting the vomit in his throat, his nose and eyes stinging. He dashed to the bathroom and threw up half in the sink and half on the floor. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuckkkk,’ he murmured, gritting his teeth and trying to take deep breaths. He tried to stand up, when a fresh wave of it hit him and he hurled again, thankfully managing to get it all into the toilet this time.

Timmy grabbed some toilet paper and half-heartedly wiped the vomit from the floor and toilet seat, and stood up shakily to flush. He sprayed some bleach for good measure and swigged from his bottle of Listerine before heading back to the living room. He flopped on the couch and closed his eyes, but before the enormity of Liz’s revelation could hit him, he heard faint sounds coming from his phone. He picked it up and remembered with a sinking feeling that he’d never hung up. He pressed his hand over his mouth so that she wouldn’t hear him breathing, and listened carefully.

‘Timmy?’ his heart jolted. It was Armie’s voice. ‘Timmy, please, say something - are you ok?’ His vision blurred as his eyes started to tear up.

‘I’m sorry Arms - I’m so fucking sorry,’ he heard Liz’s voice, slightly distant, like she was across the room.

‘Why the fuck did you even call him?’ Armie said to her, distraught. ‘It wasn’t your place.’

‘I wasn’t calling to _tell_ him! I thought you’d told him already! You said you’d had a fight -’

‘Not about this...fuck...and now he’s not answering.’

‘Is he even still there?’

Timmy heard footsteps and a door close. Then Armie spoke softly. ‘Tim. Timmy. Love? It’s just me, now.’ He paused. ‘I know you’re there. I can hear you sniffing.’ Timmy’s eyes widened. ‘That must mean you’re crying. Shit. Please, say something? Let me talk to you? It’s ok if you’re mad, you have every right.’

Timmy bit his lip. ‘I - yeah, I’m here.’

‘Timmy, I am so, so sorry.’

Timmy sighed. ‘I’m just at such a loss, Armie. I just…’

‘I know. I know.’

‘Do you regret it?’

Armie didn’t say anything.

‘Armie? Do you regret it?’

‘I...I regret hurting you.’

‘Are you fucking kidding me?’

‘Timmy, listen to me - this is something you can’t understand. I’m sorry, but you just can’t. The situation that I’m in, that she and I are both in...this is really complicated and it’s sad, and it’s messy. And I feel like it’s being really rushed.’

‘Rushed? You said yourself that it’s been over for a while. You both did.’

‘I know when this happened for you it all just slid into place, but -’

‘Slid into place, are you - are you delusional? You can’t talk about my life like that -’

‘Liz and I are still on good terms -’

‘Oh, _clearly_.’

‘- neither of us intend to cut the other out. Neither of us has done anything that warrants a total clean break, silent treatment…’

‘You didn’t have to fuck her.’

‘It was barely a fuck, it was…’

‘Don’t try and downplay this, Armie.’

‘No, you need to understand. Don’t react like this.’

‘No! Don’t try and - don’t tell me how I can and can’t react to this.’

‘This wasn’t about you, Timmy,’ Armie shouted down the phone.

Timmy curled up, shrinking in on himself. He really couldn’t handle Armie’s anger, especially not when it was directed at him. ‘You - you can’t yell at me like this. I’m upset. I have every right to be upset. Stop - stop gaslighting me,’ he begged, hating the words he was saying.

‘I can’t say anything to you without making you cry, can I? God, I’m sick of it.’

‘Just because you can’t fucking _access_ your emotions doesn’t mean I need to pretend I don’t have any!’

Neither of them said anything for a second, Timmy a little shocked at himself.

‘That...that was a low fucking blow,’ Armie told him.

Timmy squeezed his eyes shut, knowing Armie was right. But he wasn’t done. ‘No, babe, the low blow was when you said I was too gay for you.’

‘That’s - that’s not what I said.’

‘You said you weren’t gay enough for me, therefore, I’m too gay for you. Same difference.’

They paused, taking deep breaths. ‘You’re right. I shouldn’t have said that. It wasn’t fair of me,’ Armie said, his voice a little steadier.

‘You don’t get to talk to me like that. About my sexuality, my emotions, my femininity, none of that, not when - not when you admitted to me that you only thought you liked me because, as you said, I remind you so much of a woman.’

‘You -’

‘I know I didn’t dwell on it at the time. It was only one thing. But then there have been more and more things, and then you said _that_ to me the other day, Armie...I know you’ve been a victim of all these toxic institutions. I know. But you lived your whole life straight, and everyone else thinks you’re straight, too. That hasn’t been my life. I knew this from when I was eleven years old. I used to carry it around with me, keeping it secret. I used to take the 1 to Christopher Street and look in the shop windows and figure out if this was me, if this would be my life. I walked to The Center and talked to these old gay guys, trying to find some answers. I confessed it to Pauline in France one summer in high school, 2am, crying, barely able to get the words out. It has always seemed so terrifying to me.’

‘Tim…’ Armie’s voice was sad, desperate and soft.

‘No, Armie...no. You don’t know what any of that is like. You have your own experience, which hasn’t been easy. But you don’t know what it’s like to have carried this with you _always_ , without the fallback of your appearance and manner and - and also liking women as your constant security. I don’t mean that in a biphobic way, ok, I swear...but you could very easily go your whole life with nobody ever knowing this. And I don’t have that option.’

‘I know I have privilege, ok, but can we please not play my-oppression-is-worse-than-yours, please?’

Timmy sighed and continued. ‘I learned I couldn’t reveal this to anybody if I wanted to be successful, at the one thing I loved more than anything - acting. I played by the rules, and then I got cast in this crazy awesome beautiful movie...and I think I did a good job…’

‘You did.’

‘...and I fell in love with the most amazing man I’d ever met...I couldn’t believe he loved me too...but I paid for loving him. I lost everything _but_ him. When I woke up here and saw how successful other-Timmy was, I was like, fuck me - I _am_ talented, I’m just too gay. To have had this taste of everything I never had in my other life, it’s been the hardest pill to swallow. And so to hear you tell me that I’m too gay for _you_...not too gay for producers or directors, but too gay for you, _you_ , who is supposed to be my soulmate...that destroyed me. It’s been this inconvenient truth of who I am that has haunted my every move and held me back, but I didn’t care because I had love. I had the truest, greatest love. I had you. And then _you_ turned around and said I was too gay for you. That stabbed me in the heart, Armie. This is who I am. And who I am is too much for you? I’ve been miserable ever since. I don’t know what to do.’

‘Please, Timmy, I am so, so very sorry for that.’

‘And you had sex with Liz? I just cannot wrap my head around it.’

‘I don’t expect you to understand. And I am sorry that I hurt you. But it...it needed to happen.’

Timmy started to cry, biting his lip hard to stop himself from releasing a loud sob. ‘This is all going so _wrong_ , Armie,’ he said in a tiny voice. ‘And it’s not because of what anyone else is doing, not because of the media or Hollywood or lawyers or any of that - it’s because of _you_ , you’re making it all wrong.’

‘No, Timmy. I’m just different to the Armie you know. _You’re_ different too, did that ever occur to you? You do things that other-Timmy never did. You spent so long promising me that we were all the same people, just slightly altered by small things. But I think you’re wrong. We’re different.’

‘You’re right. He’d never hurt me like this. He’d never fuck Liz.’

‘Aren’t you listening to what I’m trying to -’

‘He’s twice the man you’ll ever be,’ Timmy said darkly, almost instantly regretting it. He squeezed his eyes shut. ‘I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.’

‘But you meant it, didn’t you?’

Timmy didn’t say anything. He heard Armie scoff.

‘Jesus, Tim. You know that I’ve spent every moment comparing myself to him. And you told me again and again to stop. You told me again and again that he’s not better than me. But you were lying, weren’t you?’

‘No, I wasn’t lying,’ Timmy said sincerely, because he really hadn’t been. ‘I swear.’

Neither said anything for a moment.

‘We’re too much of a mess,’ Armie said quietly. ‘We’ll never be able to fix this.’

‘Maybe...in time...in time, we can…’

‘Forget?’

‘No, not forget…I...I don’t know...’

‘You’re never going to forgive me, are you?’

‘For what? For fucking Liz?’

‘No, Timmy. For not being him. You’re never going to forgive me for not being him.’

There was a long moment, where they listened to each other’s breathing. Timmy finally broke the silence. ‘Did you think of me? While you were fucking her, did you think of me?’

‘No. No, I didn’t.’

‘Yeah. Well.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I deserve more than that.’

‘Maybe so. But I deserve some understanding.’

‘If this is the kind of thing you do...and this is all you have to say about it...then I don’t want to understand you.’ He paused, the weight of this admission hitting the both of them. ‘You should have thought of me. You’re supposed to love me. I’m supposed to be the love of your life. You - you should have thought of me.’

‘I should. I guess, yeah, you’re right. I should have thought of you. If you were the love of my life, I should have thought of you.’

‘If?’

‘I…’

‘ _If_ , Armie?’

‘Yeah. Yeah, Timmy. If.’

 

*******

 

He’d blocked Armie again.

It felt like it would keep going round in circles.

The sky outside was growing blue.

This wasn’t fixable.

These problems were too fundamental.

He needed to take a shower.

He didn’t know how long he lay there staring as the streetlights came on, casting an orange glow over Lincoln.

He felt his phone buzz a couple of times, people texting him.

The first was from Luca.

_Tesoro, I just talked to Armie. Let’s catch up soon._

He didn’t know what to say to that right now.

The other was from Lily.

_Clafoutis, did you see the email?_

_No_ , he replied. _What is it?_

_OMG! Call me._

He did, and she answered immediately.

‘Hey!’

‘What’s up?’ he asked. ‘Listen, I’m not really in the mood to go out, sorry -’

‘They’re not shooting any of your scenes tomorrow!’

‘They’re not?’

‘No. David just emailed everyone a new schedule. It’s background for battle scenes, you’re not needed. And we have Sunday off like normal anyway, and then it’s a bank holiday on Monday.’

‘A what?’

‘Public holiday.’

‘So…’

‘So, let’s get our asses to the train station and go to London for the weekend,’ she suggested.

‘I don’t know...I’m pretty fucking heartbroken. Not sure I’d be good company.’

‘Oh, come onnn,’ she begged. ‘We can stay at a really fucking fancy hotel. If you’re gonna be depressed at least do it on nice sheets with a view of Chelsea,’ she teased.

‘You make a compelling case,’ he reasoned.

‘There’s a direct train from Lincoln, I’ll pay…’

‘I…’

‘Come onnnnn, Clafoutis, please? I promise it’ll be fun.’

‘Oh, what the hell. Sure.’

Lily squealed in delight.

 

*******

 

It was after midnight, and he was sitting on a comfortable leather stool-chair in the corner of the hotel bar, almost done with his second drink. Lily had gone to do coke with some of her friends in the bathroom, which Timmy had declined. That had been over an hour ago.

The place was stupidly fancy and he was feeling completely numb. The music felt fuzzy and the lights, already dim, were blurry. Timmy closed his eyes and ducked his head, trying to calm down. He scooped an ice cube from his glass and watched it melt in his fist, trying to focus on the coldness of it, to ground him.

Timmy felt something brush against his shoulder.

‘Oh, sorry,’ came a soft, warm voice from behind him. Timmy turned, looking up. His eyes widened. Shit, was that… ‘Oh my god. Timothée Chalamet, holy shit,’ the man said, grinning in delight.

Timmy let out a nervous giggle. ‘Uh, yeah, that’s - that’s me,’ he said awkwardly, looking down. He had no idea how to talk to famous people, even though he was one. But this wasn’t just any famous person, this was…he was staring at Timmy, smiling slightly. Was he...no. No way...right? He couldn’t be interested in Timmy. He coughed, trying to speak coherently. ‘I’m a - I’m a really big fan, man,’ Timmy told him sincerely - he really was.

‘For real?’

‘Yeah, I listen to your music all the time. _Blonde_ was like, the only thing I listened to for an entire summer’ Timmy confessed.

The singer smiled, maintaining eye contact, making Timmy blush. ‘That’s sweet. Can I sit?’ he asked, not waiting for Timmy to answer as he pulled out the stool beside him, moving it so he was sitting incredibly close. Timmy could smell his aftershave. It made his breath catch in his throat. ‘I really, really dig your movies,’ he told Timmy.

Timmy blinked, letting out a nervous laugh. ‘Man. Frank Ocean digs my movies,’ he said in bemused disbelief.

‘Call me Lonny,’ he said gently. Timmy nodded. ‘In fact I really, really dig _you_ ,’ Lonny said, his foot brushing up against Timmy’s, making him gasp in surprise. ‘Is this ok?’, he asked, his foot now slowly moving up Timmy’s leg.

Timmy’s eyes widened. He nodded cautiously. ‘Y-yeah.’ His foot stopped moving. Timmy frowned. ‘Keep going,’ he said, almost automatically, surprising himself. What was he doing?

Lonny smiled. ‘Yeah? You’re into this?’ he asked, his foot now moving up Timmy’s thigh towards his crotch. Timmy’s breath caught in his throat. ‘I guess that’s my answer,’ Lonny said, as he moved his leg back and smoothly slid his hand onto Timmy’s, rubbing his palm with his thumb. ‘May I?’ he asked.

‘May you...what?’

‘May I touch you?’

‘Y-yes, but - _oh_ ,’ Timmy began, but stopped, letting out a surprised sigh of bliss at the feel of the man’s hand on his cock. Even through his trousers, it felt electrifying. His brain felt cloudy and blissful.

‘But what?’

‘Maybe - maybe we could go upstairs?’ Timmy suggested.

‘Already?’

‘I just meant - because people know who we are, and maybe you don’t want - people to know - I mean, if they saw you, with me, touching, they’d think - you know what I mean?’

He smiled at Timmy, amused by how flustered he was. ‘Timmy, Teem-oh-tay, do you care?’

‘What they think? No. No, I don’t.’

‘Good.’ Lonny pressed his lips to Timmy’s, soft and sweet at first, but something shifted in Timmy, like a switch being flipped, and he let out a moan of release into the older man’s mouth. His hands clutched at Lonny’s shirt as his kissing became harder and more urgent. ‘You’re so desperate,’ Lonny murmured, smiling.

‘Sorry…’ Timmy whispered.

‘No, no. It’s cute. I like it.’ They kept kissing. Lonny’s hand went back to Timmy’s cock, making him let out little panting sighs between kisses. ‘You ok?’

‘Yeah. Yeah, it’s just...been a while,’ he began, then stopped. _It’s been a while since I’ve been with someone else_ , he thought to himself.

Lonny nodded. ‘That’s ok. I’m gentle.’

Timmy laced their fingers together. He bit his lip, considering all this. He and Armie were toast, or they were about to be. Maybe the right thing to do would be to wait, until he saw Armie again and they had that final conversation, sorted it all out once and for all. But...Armie had fucked Liz. And it was never going to work between them. So...Timmy decided he had every right. But really, this was slightly iffy and lazy justification, and deep down he knew this. Really, Timmy was miserable, he was mad at Armie, and on top of that, suddenly Frank fucking Ocean wanted to kiss him and touch him. Timmy looked into the man’s eyes. He knew maybe the right thing to do was to say no. But...heartbroken, lost, terrified of the future, no roadmap anymore, no husband anymore and two drinks in...he couldn’t find the will to even care about the right thing right now. He couldn’t even figure it out.

‘I have a room upstairs,’ he said quietly, sliding out of the stool and holding out his hand.

They headed to the elevator.

When the doors closed, Lonny pressed him against the glass and kissed him the whole ride. As he moved to kiss Timmy’s neck, he turned to catch his breath, looking out of the elevator windows at the enormity of London below. He felt so incredibly alone. He blinked back some tears and buried his face in the older man’s chest, sliding his hand beneath his shirt and pressing it over his heart.

Another heart that wanted him.

Another person who adored his eyes and face and body.

Someone who wasn’t afraid of his feelings. Wasn’t afraid to want him, to touch him.

How bad could it be?

The elevator doors opened.

They began walking down the hallway.

This was just a fuck, Timmy knew that.

But maybe if that’s all it was, it wouldn’t hurt him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..........! 
> 
> okayyyyyyy
> 
> believe it or not this was even angstier at first and I had to significantly tone it down
> 
> I hope you do not hate me
> 
> (also from what I know/could find, Frank Ocean's friends call him Lonny, so that's what I did here. apologies if you know this to be incorrect)
> 
> please do let me know what you thought! good or bad! <3 <3 and thank you for reading and those of you who left comments last time. I am getting to them asap asap asap!

**Author's Note:**

> hope you like this!! more chapters will be hitting you soon. feel free to comment anything you like!! <3


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